Anna Nicole Smith Still Dead

So it's only been about three hours since we lost her, but already the academic observation has been made numerous times that Anna Nicole is the Marilyn Monroe of our generation. I want to do my part and take a load off of Elton John as he prepares for the tribute he is to perform at the state funeral, so you heard it here first: Anna Nicole's very own alternate lyrics to CANDLE IN THE WIND...

Goodbye Anna Nicole
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to wear hot pink spandex
Even when you were the size of a mall
You wrote the book on golddigging
And the encyclopedia on train wreck TV
You were pretty much the only billionaire
That nobody else wanted to be

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a fart lit on fire
Never knowing where to draw the line
With the rat faced lawyer you hired
And I would have liked to tell you
If only Britney had made sure you'd known
That farts fueled by taco bell
Burn longer than with methadone

ANNA NICOLE SMITH - DEAD

Former Playmate / Trim Spa Spokeswoman / Train Wreck Anna Nicole Smith has died after collapsing in her hotel room, report various scavenging media outlets.

What's more, news of this is already up on Wikipedia. Moments ago the article included a statement that Smith's boyfriend / possible baby-daddy Howard Stern had murdered her, but that appears to have been taken down.

Gawker, with its infinite resources as a blogging juggernaut, has a record of the graffiti'ed Wiki article.

Potential zingers over this news item abound, but let's take a moment to remember what awesome television The Anna Nicole Show was. That show was like a weekly dose of pure, uncut Schadenfreude.

Does anyone ever feel like the world is so weird that we must live on some alternate version of Earth, rather than actual Earth?

Time Warner Blows, which has nothing to do with the blupdate below.

Sorry it's been so long guys. I was kidnapped by Cisco Adler's ball's a few weeks ago, and believe you/me, it was not pretty. Good news is after a few rounds with those punching bags, my typing fingers are in excellent form.

First off, I know I am like, a week tardy with this comment, but last Thursday's episode of Thirty Rock single handedly revived the half hour comedy. I LOLed, as the kids are saying, each of the three times I watched it. At the very least, please go here and make your way to the two minute recap of 2/1's episode. AAAAHHHHHHHH! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! It feels so good to laugh.

Continuing with the peacock flow, let it be known that I love my paychecks. However, Starting next month, Studio 60... will give up it's Monday, post Heroes time slot to The Black Donnellys while 30 Rock will go on a vacay for Andy Barker: PI. Okay, okay fine let's try to build audiences for these fledgling shows (the former of which is actually quite good) but I'll miss my Monday fix of Sorkin walk n' talks and my Thursday thrills with Kenneth, the baby faced page.

Moving on to the topic that is inevitable these days for anyone except the Amish and kidnapped people being kept in confined quarters (Not Sean Hornebeck kidnapped. I hear he got to play video games all day. LUCKY!)...American Idol.

The other day I got in an elevator on my way home and saw a former co worker. We both marveled at how lucky we were to be leaving at a reasonable hour. We quipped as to what we could do with our spare time.

Former Co-Worker: We can watch American Idol now.
Me: YEAH!...I mean, wait. Were we joking? Because I will now actually go home and watch American Idol...
FCW: Oh no, I wasn't joking.
Me: FEW!

Point is, Idol fans, or Idolators if you will (HAHA), don't be ashamed. Sure, especially at this point in the season, the episodes have about as much point as 1 week of rehab for calling a co-star a faggot*. Sure, we're idiots for thinking that every moment down to each of Paula's weird, fingers-spread-apart palm claps isn't staged. But don't let other's tell you you're inferior for liking this crap. Instead, tell them to focus their energy on Alanna and telling her that she is inferior for liking Lost, which makes its triumphant return tonight.

Join me next time, when I give you my super, duper, Fall 2008 Preview.

*That's about as much coverage as you'll find here for America's favorite skinny lady/homophobic estrogen fest.

Puppies!!

You may have noticed by now that none of the Boob Tubers are sports fans. We heard that there is some kind of big game going on today, or something, and we'd like to offer a warmer, fuzzier alternative to watching big men slam into each other in an orgiastic display of brawn.

Tune in to Animal Planet, stat, for the annual Puppy Bowl! It has already begun, but you can get your fill of frolicking critters and butt sniffing all afternoon. Because animals love you unconditionally, but football players only call you sexist names.

Sunday / Monday night lights

Wowee wow wow, as Borat would say, it's like the execs at Fox are reading this blog! This is why I'd like to use this space to thank Rupert Murdoch for casting Paul McCrane as Jack's brother on 24. Rupes must know from a previous entry that I love the formerly red Afro'ed PMC from his work on ER, and he thusly cast him as Jack's evil twin. Never mind that they resemble each other in the way that I resemble Dennis Rodman. I trust that PMC will add some much-needed snark to an otherwise humorless show, full of nuclear expolosions in LA (who needed that place, anyway?) and Jack crying!?!

Moving over to the ol' Home Box Office, I've been enjoying this second and final season of Rome muchly. The first two episodes have blown all of the last season out of the water in terms of quality and entertainment value. With Caesar murdered, everyone is going batshit crazy. A kind of proto-Mafia is warring in the city (one captain is killed by being put in a bag full of SNAKES and then drowned.) Mark Antony is trying to keep the young, effete, but highly intelligent Octavian from his inheritance as Caesar's adopted son, and Cleopatra is swooping in majestically with lots of eyeliner on to make Mark Antony's f*ckbuddy, Atia, go insane with jealousy. Best line from Atia to Cleo? "Die screaming, you pig-spawned trollop." I'm waiting for the opportunity to use that turn of phrase myself.

Rome is no Deadwood, but it's appealing in many ways, one of which being that I can actually understand all the political machinations taking place. Thank God for HBO teaching me about such varied historical periods as ancient Rome and the Old West, because I certainly napped through every high school history class I ever took. And when learning about the troubled years before the formation of the Triumvirate involves seeing Mark Antony's c*ck repeatedly, count me in. Because he's hot, in an aging British guy sort of way.

24 Mad Libs

Hello readers! I've developed an interactive game around a sample of dialogue from the thrilling premiere of the sixth season of 24.* Surely you all remember Mad Libs, the wacky word game your parents threw at you when you were annoying them on long car rides. Well, I've discovered that this childhood activity perfectly aligns with 24's dialogue. See below for the word blanks, and some suggestions from me on how to fill them in!


SCENE: Jack is in pursuit of a terrorist who is driving on a freeway with a nuclear weapon in his trunk. Accompanying him on this mission is a former bad guy looking to atone. Jack is on his cell, Blackberry, GPS, walkie-talkie, and carrier pigeon with the folks back at CTU.

JACK: Chloe!

CHLOE: Hello, lover.

JACK: THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT! I'm pursuing a (terrorist group) agent and I need your help.

CHLOE: OK, I'm setting up the (tracking device) now. How did you find him?

JACK: I'm working with (foreign name).

CHLOE: You're working with (foreign name)?!? But he's a known (unsavory career title)!

JACK: Well, he's trying to make amends.

CHLOE: But he's killed hundreds of people!

JACK: Chloe, you have to trust me on this one. If you don't, (dire situation) could happen!

CHLOE: OK lov- I mean Jack. I trust you.


SUGGESTIONS:
(terrorist group)
a) Al-Qaeda
b) ETA
c) Chechen Rebels
d) Williamsburg residents

(tracking device)
a) satellite navigation
b) beeping thing
c) TomTom
d) locator spell

(foreign name)
a) Hassad
b) Ammad
c) Riyad
d) Joe

(unsavory career title)
a) assassin
b) adult film star
c) back-up singer
d) editorial assistant

(dire situation)
a) nuclear war
b) the Apocalypse
c) global warming
d) a Kiss reunion tour

Post your 24 Mad Libs in the comments!


*with thanks to Idolator's Hold Steady Mad Libs

Jeanette's Rootin' Tootin' Roundup- Week of 1/8/07

Bindi Irwin was on Ellen Today. Usually, seeing children/the thought of having offspring of my own causes my loins to shift in agitation and speak to me in a voice similar to Audrey 2's, saying, "NOOO JEANETTE! WE WANT NONE OF THAT!" But that Bindi is so cute. She apologized to Ellen for potentially eating too many SlimJims in the green room, AND she came out carrying a lizard. AWWW. No one rocks the straight across the forehead bangs as well as brave, little Bindi.

In 1961, John Howard Griffin published Black Like Me, his account of his travels through southern, segregated states disguised as an African American man. Needless to say, it wasn't pretty. On January 8th, 2007, Lifetime aired their original movie To Be Fat Like Me, Kaley Cuoco's account of her experience taking summer school in a neighboring high school disguised as a fat chick. Now, I'm far from skin and bones (but, for the record, by no means do I even come close to the suited up Cuoco). I just give that information as proof that I'm not doubting the struggle of an obese person, particularly a teen. HOWEVER, are we meant to believe that the fat person finds burning crosses on their lawn? The fat person makes 65 cents to every skinny person's dollar? The fat person is forced to sit in the back of the bus? (Well, okay maybe sometimes for balance, but only on windy roads.) Getting picked last for gym softball sucks, but getting lynched sucks more. Good job, Lifetime. Between this and your newest tour de force Gay, Straight or Taken?, you're showing us your real sensitive side.

And finally, ever since LangliebGate, we have found it important to take a stance on vital issues. That's why I want to let blogland know that we are PRO RO in the O'Donnell/Trump feud. Donald, you are a public figure. Rosie made a valid point (that you were using a naive girl to promote yourself) and made a comment about your hair. Who hasn't made a Trump hair joke? He has made scathing comments and misquotes in return. Not cool.

Also, I wish I had the numbers to back me up on this, but despite some of his businesses going bankrupt, I am fairly certain that the Donald has more money than Ro. What does he do for charity? Give subway hero's $10,000 checks because it is a guarantee that the press is watching. What does Ro do for charity? TONS, blogland, TONS. Weigh in here, unless you are Kaley Cuoco in a fat suit. That is TO MUCH JUNK for us to handle. HA see what I did there? It's all about bringin' it back.

Cranky Doc-Off

This announcement for the next episode of Scrubs inspired me to write a comparative blog:

Thursday, SCRUBS 9PM NBC: The new episode, "My House," pays homage to Hugh Laurie's acclaimed doctor drama "House." Dr. Cox (John C. McGinley) is the medical sleuth here, trying to figure out the causes of a man's strange skin pigmentation, a young woman's heart failure and a colleague's anger issues...

I only recently started watching Scrubs because I find Zach "Voice of His Generation" Braff too irritating to stomach, even in half-hour increments. But Scrubs is part of NBC's rock block of comedy, so I tend to tune in because what else am I going to do before The Office comes on? Read??

So with the news of this cranky doc crossover, I've been thinking about TV's affection for doctors, especially doctors who are irredeemable assholes. My first encounter with a Curmudgeon, M.D. was ER's Dr. Romano, a bald little troll who was Chief of Staff and also hilariously evil. Why do we like these guys? Maybe it's because they say what we wish we had the nerve to, or maybe it's because the idea of such a nasty doctor is amusingly incongruent - they're supposed to be caring for people, not berating them. Yet I'm no stranger to wildly inappropriate comments from medics. My dermatologist, for instance, once informed my mother that he was glad to have lost weight, because it "made [his] schmeckel look bigger."

Riiight. So which doctor is the most accomplished at verbal gymnastics, the cream of the belligerent crop? Each has their own strengths and weaknesses. Dr. Romano had the best one-liners on a show that was once, believe it or not, quite strong, but he was wussified by his crush on Dr. Corday, the Brit lady best known for pronouncing tumor "too-mah." Also, he lost an arm to a helicoptor and then was killed by a different chopper falling on him one season later. Man, ER disintegrated into nonsense quickly. Dr. Cox is appropriately over-the-top on the absurdity that is Scrubs, and I'm amazed at his ability to deliver rants that must read as incomprehensible in written scripts, but he also has too many "Awwwwwwww" sitcom moments. And Dr. House, despite his myriad appeals, sometimes steps over the line from snark into cruelty and makes the viewer uncomfortable.

So who's your pick? Comment away. I leave you with some choice quotes from each doctor to help you with this difficult decision.

ROMANO:
"I'm beginning to think that "ER" stands for 'everyone's retarded.'"

COX:
JD: Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?
Dr. Cox: I'd say you're about a B-cup, Susan.

HOUSE:
Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.

Best of the Boob Tubers

My favorite moments from our storied past six months:

*When Walnuts attacks.

*Manohla Dargis is insane, loves Reno 911.

*A pre-scandal David Langlieb weighs in on which Sex and the City gal John Bolton is.

*A hottie round-up that for once isn't filled with blond film actresses.

*Boy, that Lonelygirl15 craze sure burned out quickly.

*We're still waiting for the Polack mob to come after us. What's wrong, you guys are too dense to find us?

*Jeanette tries to have sex with Christmas...

*...and gets some face time with foreigners instead.

And that was our teletastic year. Standby for our favorite TV moments of 06, likely not to be published until 07 because of intoxication, laziness.

The only one who could ever reach me...

Survivor Cook Islands 12/16/06- A Yul-Tide Celebration!

A few months back, Alanna and I were watching Sexy Beast. The first fifteen minutes of this film are glorious; Gary and his friend, whose character name escapes me, both retired mobsters, live in the Spanish country side, which really looks like heaven on earth. Their awkward tan lines and growing waist lines don't matter at all. That's how happy they are. One night, they go out to dinner with their wives and decide on the calamari before Gary's friend tells him they've been recruited for one last job by Don, the godfather of their crew. What ensues is an emotional mindfuck. For the next two hours, I wondered why the film couldn't have ended in the restaurant, with Gary proclaiming his love for calamari. "I love calamari," he could have said approvingly, leaning his chair back with his heels, patting his gut with one hand and rubbing his disproportionately hot wife's knee with the other. That would have been my kind of movie*.

If you're still with me here, last night the thirteenth season of Survivor ended with a real "I Love Calamari" sputter. First things first, my main man Yul won the million dollars. Hip Hip HorAsian! Secondly, he did so after leading his Aitu Four to the final four. Once there, they all sat around camp, singing folk songs while Becky and Sundra braided each others' 39 days of leg hair growth. Okay not really, but they might as well have...that's how much of a love fest it was. Becky would rather have been true to the foursome than take Yul up on his offer to use the immunity idol to guarantee herself a spot in the final three (that's right, this season THREE people were considered for the million). And the four of them very fairly voted to a tie at the final tribal council, so a tie breaker would determine whether or not Becky or Sundra was in the final three. It was about as melodious as one of those Brady Bunch episodes where the kids suddenly learned they can sing, only to find daisies floating all around them while they danced in bellbottoms.

It was great. You may hear the naysayers arguing that they missed out on the Susan-calling-Richard-Hatch-A-Rat moment, or the Johnny-Fair-Play-feigning-his-grandmother's-death plot twist. They are wrong. How nice to see four people honestly and intelligently make it as far as possible in the game. I bet each and every one of them loves Calamri. And so do I, Aitu final four, so do I.

Also, last night Sekou, the first Survivor voted out this season, graced the audience with an original song he had written about the show. Honestly, it sounded like music accompanied by a string of drawn out farts, which happened to sound a little bit like the word survivor.

*This is actually a very good movie.

64th Golden Globes Nominations Announced

Find all the television-centric nods here, with the occasional incisive commentary in italics. Apologies for all the caps, I pretty much copied and pasted this from here, where you can also find the film nominees.

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

24 (FOX)

BIG LOVE (HBO)

GREY’S ANATOMY (ABC)

HEROES (NBC)

LOST (ABC)


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

PATRICIA ARQUETTE - MEDIUM

EDIE FALCO - THE SOPRANOS

EVANGELINE LILLY - LOST
Really? I love the show and even I can admit the woman has two facial expressions.

ELLEN POMPEO - GREY’S ANATOMY
Poor man's Renée "Lemon Face" Zellweger.

KYRA SEDGWICK - THE CLOSER


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

PATRICK DEMPSEY - GREY’S ANATOMY

MICHAEL C. HALL - DEXTER

HUGH LAURIE - HOUSE
Especially since he can do teenage girl as well as middle-aged man.

BILL PAXTON - BIG LOVE

KIEFER SUTHERLAND - 24
Again? He doesn't really act, so much as yell "Damn it!" into his cell phone repeatedly.


BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (ABC)

ENTOURAGE (HBO)

OFFICE (NBC)

UGLY BETTY (ABC)

WEEDS (SHOWTIME)


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES –COMEDY OR MUSICAL
I don't watch any of this sh*t.

MARCIA CROSS - DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

AMERICA FERRERA - UGLY BETTY

FELICITY HUFFMAN - DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS - THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE

MARY-LOUISE PARKER - WEEDS


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

ALEC BALDWIN - 30 ROCK

ZACH BRAFF - SCRUBS
I keep hearing that Zach Braff is the "voice of my generation," though really I feel more in tune with the much older and funnier Jew, Larry David. Does that make me weird?

STEVE CARRELL - THE OFFICE

JASON LEE - MY NAME IS EARL

TONY SHALHOUB - MONK


BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

BLEAK HOUSE (PBS)

BROKEN TRAIL (AMC)

ELIZABETH I (HBO)

MRS. HARRIS (HBO)

PRIME SUSPECT: THE FINAL ACT (PBS)



BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

GILLIAN ANDERSON - BLEAK HOUSE

ANNETTE BENING - MRS. HARRIS

HELEN MIRREN - ELIZABETH I
What?!? Someone needs to schedule an intervention and send her to Monarchs Anonymous. OK, that was lame.

HELEN MIRREN - PRIME SUSPECT: THE FINAL ACT

SOPHIE OKONEDO - TSUNAMI, THE AFTERMATH


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

ANDRÉ BRAUGHER - THIEF

ROBERT DUVALL - BROKEN TRAIL

MICHAEL EALY - SLEEPER CELL: AMERICAN TERROR

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR - TSUNAMI, THE AFTERMATH

BEN KINGSLEY - MRS. HARRIS

BILL NIGHY - GIDEON’S DAUGHTER
I've never even heard of this, but I'm sure he was better than...

MATTHEW PERRY - THE RON CLARK STORY
Yeah, him.


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

EMILY BLUNT - GIDEON’S DAUGHTER

TONI COLLETTE - TSUNAMI, THE AFTERMATH

KATHERINE HEIGL - GREY’S ANATOMY

SARAH PAULSON - STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP
It's sad to watch her suck the last scrap of life out of this show, because she was so fantastic on Deadwood. Also, dating Cherry Jones. That's cool.

ELIZABETH PERKINS - WEEDS


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

THOMAS HADEN CHURCH - BROKEN TRAIL

JEREMY IRONS - ELIZABETH I

JUSTIN KIRK - WEEDS

MASI OKA - HEROES
Team Sambo!!!

JEREMY PIVEN - ENTOURAGE

House 12/13/06: Aww, Greggy-poo

Last night's House was perhaps was the most miserable Christmas episode that I have ever seen. Between the detoxing, and the stealing Oxy from a dead guy, and the betrayals and the ultimatums and the sniping, and the really hot dwarf (wait, what?), Bad Hat Harry Productions has left us with almost nothing but negativity to carry us through the dark House-less days until January 9th.

Almost nothing. Because last night's episode provided Jeanette and I with one amazing revelation.

Gregory House has metamorphosed into a teenage girl.

Sure, House was cutting himself because it helped to "release endorphins" that temporarily "relieved his agonizing leg pain" and the "discomfort of detoxing from Vicodin." But any graduate of a suburban high school knows what sort of people really cut themselves, and why:

Angsty adolescent females who want everyone to see the pain they feel inside. The kind of horrible, horrible pain that comes from parents who give you your grandfather's old Buick for your 16th birthday instead of the Audi that your friend Julie got. The intolerable ouchies of a rejection letter from Brown University, which is where you were meant to go, because you worked your upper-middle-class butt off for this and your consolation prize is a SUNY, and SUNY schools are for poor losers!

Ahem. To confirm our suspicions, we received a leak of the teleplay for the next new House. Here's a teaser, exclusive to Boob Tubers readers.

EXT. PRINCETON-PLAINSBORO TEACHING HOSPITAL - ESTABLISHING

INT. HOUSE'S OFFICE - DAY

CAMERON
House, our patient is presenting with symptoms of liver failure. Yellow eyes, dark urine, and a strange attraction to old, curmudgeonly men. Oh wait. That last one is a symptom of my personal failure as a human being.

FOREMAN
It's clearly Seacrest's Disease.

CHASE
It's not Seacrest's, I already told you. Seacrest's involves the erratic growth of facial hair in men of short stature.
(beat)
House, what do you think?

HOUSE
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME!

CAMERON
What are you talking about?

HOUSE
You guys act like you know so much, but you really don't. Like, do you know how I lost my virginity?

FOREMAN
I don't see how this is relevant to our patient--

CAMERON
I want to know.

HOUSE
It was at the cast party for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. To Ben Kellner, who played Joseph. All the other girls in the chorus were SO JEALOUS.

CHASE
Uh, why don't we get back to the differential diagnosis.

HOUSE
But I'm so tired. Coach Sweeney made me do twenty laps this morning because I had three latenesses to gym class.

Cuddy enters, dressed very unprofessionally.

CUDDY
How are we doing with the patient?

HOUSE
Ugh, I hate you. I am so fat compared to you.

CUDDY
Well, I don't have a bum leg. I can work out every day.

HOUSE
Oh my God, I can't believe you just said that to me. You're such a bitch.
(begins weeping)
I'm a freak!
(reaches for conveniently located scalpel)

SPIKE
Oh, House. It's time you learned...
Life's not a song
Life isn't bliss
Life is just this
It's living...

Happy Holidays: Viral Video A-Go-Go

Thanks to internet viral videos, even when you're at work, you can be watching TV! As one who fully endorses the watching of TV, and as previously stated, as one who LOVES Christmas, I am proud to present my contribution to the world of viral video. Enjoy!

Carol of the Remote Controls

I just finished finding the best adhesive for dollar-store lights to stick to pre-war brick, I am desperately trying to schedule a viewing of Home Alone (the world's greatest cinematic tour de force), and Ashley Tisdale's cover of Last Christmas is crawling into my Ipod as we speak. It is safe to say that Alanna was right when she accused me of being gay for Christmas.

I am so gay for Christmas,in fact, that my obvious commercial break channel surf location during Tuesday's episode of Gilmore Girls was ABC to catch snippets of the claymation classic Santa Claus is Comin to Town. Who can forget how a red-headed St. Nick brought joy to the children of Sombertown (who were, by the way, all dressed in gray, I SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE)? Not a lot of people, because 11 million tuned in! Similar numbers are expected for tomorrow night's airing of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman on the eye network. And, of course ABC Family is indulging us with their annual tradition, 25 Days of Christmas. (Although even I must admit that some of the programming offered by the alphabet network's cable child is lackluster, consisting of plot lines like 'A grumpy ad executive reluctant to embrace Christmas suddenly discovers his long lost birth father is Santa Claus and is taken on a magical adventure that cures his son's leukemia'.)

If you want a really crappy example of journalism and a bullshit reason as to why people like me, level headed adults, eat up the cheezefest that is holiday programming, feel free to check out Jennifer Frey's article in today's Washington Post. In it, Frey tells me I like this crap because I am nostalgic for my childhood. OH YES! I LONG FOR MY MIDDLE CHILD WOES DATING BACK TO THE LATE EIGHTIES/EARLY NINETIES! NOT! (Or as Borat would say, I do NOT long for my middle child woes.)

If you just want to know what glorious gems of holiday programming you should set your DVR for and/or advice on how to stick up for yourself when your roommates freak out as you sing every lyric to Even a Miracle Needs a Hand from Twas The Night Before Christmas (the one with that mouse family), turn to me.

Here are my top picks to trim your TV:

The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus (ABC Family, 12/9 11 AM EST, 12/12 7 PM EST) 1985-technology with clay animation tells the story of Santa Claus, heavy on Pagan, not Christian, ideals.

One Magic Christmas (Hallmark, 12/9 7 PM) I LOVE THIS MOVIE! Harry Dean Stanton plays an angel that saves struggling mom Mary Steenburgen's lower middle class Christmas!

Prancer (AMC, 12/10 8 PM, 10:15 PM) Ever wonder what I was like when I was six. THE LITTLE GIRL IN THIS ADORABLE MOVIE!

Green-Colored Spotlight On: Dean Winters

Green-colored because you really can't get any more Irish than this familiar TV actor. You would think that Jeanette would be a more appropriate author for this entry. WRONG you would be. It is a little known fact that this Jewess has dabbled amongst the leprechauns. I just can't help myself. I find both freckles and Catholic guilt very alluring.

Of late, Dean has played affable, slightly dim micks on shows like Rescue Me and 30 Rock. He must be a good sport, because his IMDB profile indicates that he is in fact a well-traveled college graduate and not, for instance, a beeper salesman or Denis Leary's drunk adultering brother.

I first encountered Dean in a very different role, as Ryan O'Reily (seriously) on HBO's prison drama Oz, a show grittier than a sandbox full of broken glass. I learned many things from Ryan: how to manipulate hardened rapists and murderers like a modern day, really cute Iago; how to seduce the Latina prison doctor after having your brother kill her husband; how to survive shootings, gas explosions, and solitary confinement. I should also mention that whenever someone is thrown into solitary confinement on Oz, they are naked. And creator Tom Fontana never shied away from showing us that. Seriously people, what are you waiting for? Netflix that sh*t.

If all that doesn't cement Dean's coolness in your minds, consider this. He was on Law and Order: SVU back in the heady days of the '99/'00 season, and managed in his brief, glorious tenure as Det. Cassidy to nail Olivia Benson. That's something even Chris Meloni (who also starred on Oz) hasn't managed to do.

Dos and Don'ts

Lately, when I think about the show Heroes, I don't think about the schlocky dialogue. I don't think about how Niki got seriously gypped with her "super power," or how in real life, Nathan Petrelli is married to Natalie Maines of The Dixie Chicks, a band that actually titled a song "Lubbock or Leave It." Get it? It's not a bad song actually, but that's gotta be the worst title since The Constant Gardener. Sample lines from that film, at least in my mind:

"Always gardening, you are! By Jove, Manifred, when will you stop the constant gardening?"
"Never, dear Winthrop. My green thumb is eternal. For I am... the Constant Gardener."

No, I think about how Milo Ventimiglia has the stupidest hair on television. The proof is in the arbirtrary asymmetry:



The long-in-the-front, short-in-the-back 'do went out of fashion back in '99, when this chick from my high school, Stephanie, got props for being the "most creative" just because her hair hung in her fucking eyes all the time. Meanwhile, while Stephanie was artfully walking into things because she couldn't see through her HAIR, who was at home writing stories about girls who thought they were metamorphosing into dogs? ME. I SHOULD HAVE WON "MOST CREATIVE" IN THE SENIOR SUPERLATIVES SECTION OF THE YEARBOOK, DAMMIT.

So that's why I hate Milo Ventimiglia's hair. Otherwise, he's pretty cute, in a Guido sort of way. Wait. I take back the "Guido" thing. I don't want all of Bensonhurst crashing this blog and threatening my life. Well, I sort of do.

Other retarded hair cuts:

Flattop-era Will Smith


Keri Russell, whose Season 2 cropped hair was such a blow that it actually made ratings on Felicity go down. Also her ass looks big here.


David Boreanaz, now and forever. ("Angel's lame. His hair goes straight up and he's bloody stupid.")

Daniel Radcliffe is the stupidest human being alive

OK, I know this isn't about television or David Langlieb, but it would be so wrong to let this story pass by.

USA Today published new photos from the upcoming movie, Harry Potter and the E Street Band -- I mean, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Each shot is accompanied by quotes from the cast members, and the titular hero himself offered this little gem of wisdom:

"Harry had been through so much because of him, and yet no one was believing him that Voldemort was back," said Radcliffe. "It made me think of how Holocaust survivors must feel about Holocaust denial."

Yup, he's dead on. A fictional teenage wizard would be devastated by those who didn't take his word about the return of the Dark Lord, as devastated as an Auschwitz survivor would feel if people denied that he'd been robbed of his home, starved, forced to labor outdoors without pay for several years, and witnessed the murder of his entire family. It's pretty much the same thing.

I say we should make ALL our children quit school and get occasional on-set lessons from tutors to movie stars. That brand of education leads to great sound bites!

Awareness Tubers: UCLA Student Mostafa Tabatabainejad Unfairly Tasered

Ever since Langlieb Gate '06, Alanna and I have marveled about how a jaunt into the world of current events can really up your hit counts. Maybe I should feel a little guilty for bringing this off topic event up here, but when I saw this on YouTube, I was in shock. Plus, I found it on Perez Hilton, and we easily have more substance to our blog than him, so why shouldn't I post this here (not to say I don't enjoy your sass and the way you make it look like there's cum coming out of everyone's mouths in your pictures, Perez).

Anyway, backstory is UCLA student Mostafa Tabatabainejad was studying in the library circa 11:30 PM one night earlier this week, and when he was not able to produce his university ID, the following incident occurred:



Two lessons here. One, don't be a racist asshole, cops included. I can see why the university cops would feel frustrated with their position; whenever one would give me a parking ticket for being in a "Frat Brothers Only" zone or something, I'd usually laugh and yell out "FAKE COPS" as they rolled away on their golf cart. But that doesn't mean you can TASER someone. JESUS CHRIST what were these guys even doing with any weapons. THEY ARE NOT REAL POLICE. I was legitimately touched and happy that the victim's fellow students were telling them to stop and asking for their badge numbers. I hope these guys get demoted to dining hall patrol or something.

Second lesson, someone has a camera everywhere, always. If you do something retarded, there is a huge chance it will end up on YouTube. Just last night, Alanna and Vivian were doing some very vivacious cat impersonations on my bed. If I had a camera, they would have been SCREWED for the rest of their professional lives. Don't be retarded.

Oooh, maybe our racist anonymous commentor of yore will come back in defense of the fake police.

Also, read more here.

Studio 60, House, Nip/Tuck Rootin' Tootin' Roundup

I love working late every night, but I especially love it on nights like tonight, when the cleaning lady looks over my shoulder skeptically as she empties my garbage can, only to see me looking at a clip of Tickle Me Elmo TMX on YouTube. Listen, I don't need her or ANYONE ELSE judging me, especially as I delve into...

JEANETTE'S TELEVISION STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS, the Wednesday after edition.

Firstly, I am sick of sticking up for the integrity of Studio 60. I feel like it is the new kid in town who also happens to be my cousin, and my grandpa has offered me a shiny, Susan B. Anthony dollar for every time I can get cus a new friend. While I do think last Monday's show was awkward in how hurriedly it wrapped up the Nevada based story line (We hardly knew ya, John Goodman cameo), I still was literally looking forward all week to the conclusion of the two-parter.

Secondly, WOAH, who else is shaking in their pajama pants about what Gregory House's Cop-elganger is going to do to him? The bonds between House and his newfound nemesis strengthened this week as David Morse's character, Michael Tritter, uttered words so familar to House's pursedly narrow yet alluring lips: Everybody lies. They're both right. I lie...in bed each night awaiting for Hugh Laurie to be right beside me...what?

And Thirdly, what in tarnation was going on with Nip/Tuck last night? In a ploy so cliché we have seen it as recently as last year's series finale of Will & Grace, we got a glimpse into the future (the future, Conan?) with an episode entitled "Conor McNamara 2026." I was glad to see that the best looking midget ever was still in the picture 20 years later (Oh come on, I dare you to tell me I am the only one to think Peter Dinklage is hot! I mean he's no Matt Roloff but WHATEVER!) Also, I think in order to research the future, Nip/Tuck had their staff writers have a Jetsons marathon (They probably could have done this at my apartment since this is one show that has made it to Vivian's DVRing list). I find it hard to believe that people will be eating meals that consist of piles of multi-colored mush like Sean and Christian were in ONLY 20 YEARS. I can't wait until it actually is 2026 so that the writers can feel the same embarassment as George Orwell's ghost did when the real 1984 actually looked like this:


Also, David Lang...oh nevermind.

I, too, am responding to JJ's tag...

1. Popcorn or candy? If you get the popcorn right, taking part in this buttery delight can be the pinnacle of any movie going experience. I love M&Ms but pesonally think they should be banned from theaters, specifically because once Alanna and I were literally bruised by the airborne treats in response to our HILARIOUS and raucous heckling of Scary Movie.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever. Dr. Zhivago. However, Alanna and I have both seen Doc Hollywood.

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar: Both the Juvenile Achievement Oscar given to Mickey Rooney in 1939 and his later awarded Lifetime Achievement Oscar. That guy is a hack. He weirds me out. He's not good at anything other than putting on a newsboy cap and clicking his heels, and on that he's even a little rusty.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Chas Tenenbaum's jogging suit.

5. Your favorite film franchise is...soon to be the His Dark Materials films, the first of which (The Golden Compass) is filming now.

6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them? I would like to clone Zack Braff four times, have all five Braffs over, and feed them a jello mold that spells out, "Show don't tell."

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater? Lethal injection.

8. Choose a female bodyguard: Roseanne in She-Devil.

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie? Movie, no. Back to my boob tubers roots in order to answer the Zebo the Clown episode of Are you Afraid of the Dark?

10. Your favorite genre (excluding comedy and drama) is? Mockumentary.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power? BRING BACK THE WELL EXECUTED MOVIE MUSICAL!

12. Bonnie or Clyde? Hyde. David Hyde Pierce.

MeMe, YouYou, PeePee, PooPoo

J.J. of As Little As Possible tagged us Tubers for this fun little meme. Since there's nothing I love writing about more than myself - ahem, I mean entertainment - I thought I'd give it a go.

1. Popcorn or candy? Popcorn is such a cocktease. It smells so excellent, and then when you eat it, it's too dry and gets stuck in your throat, or so buttery and greasy that just looking at it makes you break out. So candy. Junior Mints if possible.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever. Dr. Strangelove

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar: Who loses theirs and to whom? My Oscar memory isn't that spectacular; instead of recalling what Meryl won for and when, my brain is filled with amusing quotes from the fifth season of Angel. Example:

Spike busts into Angel's office
Angel: We're having a meeting.
Spike: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't care.

Which is to say, Crash was totally undeserving. Best Picture should have gone to Buttsex Mountain.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Which will it be? Either The Bride's yellow jumpsuit from Kill Bill or Edward Scissorhands' S&M get-up. Maybe a combo of both.

5. Your favorite film franchise is... I have a soft spot for the Christopher Reeve Superman movies, except for the awful, awful fourth one. World peace does not an action movie make.


6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them? I'd like to host Klaus Kinski, Christopher Walken, Anne Heche, Stephen Seagal, and Shirley MacLaine to see who comes up with the best plot to take over the world. I'd feed them canned cranberry sauce.

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater? They should have to listen to Nicole Kidman sing "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" for eons and eons. That would be torture for me, anyway.

8. Choose a female bodyguard: Ripley from Aliens. Mystique from X-Men. Sarah Connor from Terminator 2. The Bride from Kill Bill. Mace from Strange Days. None of the above. I choose Sybil from the TV movie of the same name.

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie? Of late, it's the fat Armenian dude's testicles in Sacha Baron Cohen's face.

10. Your favorite genre (excluding comedy and drama) is? I must grudgingly admit an affinity for sci-fi. The Fountain trailer, for instance, excites me to no end. Oh, Wolverine.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power? By hiring underrated actresses and giving them complex, meaty roles. It's shameful how few interesting parts exist for women, and the ones that do all go to the Aussie Trifecta: Kidman, Watts, Blanchett.

12. Bonnie or Clyde? Bonnie. Clyde's so vain, he probably thinks this blog is about him.

13. Who are you tagging to answer this survey? Lauren of Oodleday, Eric of Confessions, Chris of Exit Stage Left.

Survivor Cook Islands 11/9/06: OMFG!

Wow! Wowee wow wow wow! What a shit show of a Survivor episode! I loved it! You may think Mark Burnett is off his rocker, coming up with the most sensatonal stunts legally possible to get America to watch, and you're probably right, but Survivor grabbed this longtime but now wavering fans by the [hypothetical] balls last night!

Firstly, I almost threw up my delicious, homemade grilled cheese on wheat when Jonathan shared with Candace the prospect of it being the four "caucasians" left at the end. What?! I thought we were over that publicity stunt. I have spent the past few weeks marveling at how race went from being the main issue on Survivor Cook Islandsto being an almost non issue once the tribes merged. People were voted off because they were bat shit crazy (see Cao Boi), not because of the color of their skin. And of course it's a cracker that would keep the racial sentiments around. Perhaps I shouldn't be throwing that term around in light of Langliebgate 06, but I don't care!

AND if Jonathan's temporary posession by William J. Simmons wasn't enough, Jeff "I am second only to Ryan Seacrest in my reality show hosting abilities" Probst threw a curveball (or coconut, if you will) before the rewards challenge; all Survivors had a ten second opportunity to start a 'mutiny' by deciding to switch to the opposing tribe. Candance took him up on this so that she could be back with her BFFEAEAEs Parvati and Adam. BUT, at the last second Jonathan joined her. Good job, Candace, because Survivor is definitely all about making friends and not at all about strategizing to win a million dollars. Also, good job, Jonathan, because Survivor is all about following around a hot, blonde twenty something that wants nothing to do with the modern day Richard Hatch.

It doesn't matter what any of these pawns do, though, because Yul is probably the best human being to have ever walked the planet. Yul for President 2008. He'll be running for the AWESOME party.

Ed Bradley, 65, Loses Battle with Leukemia

According to the Hollywood Reporter,

Veteran "60 Minutes" correspondent Ed Bradley died of leukemia Thursday morning at a New York City hospital. He was 65. CBS News said Thursday morning that Bradley died at Mount Sinai Hospital. Bradley was a correspondent at "60 Minutes" for 26 years, covering a number of the show's biggest stories and winning 19 Emmys during his career. His most recent was for a "60 Minutes" segment on the reopening of the 1950s racial murder of Emmett Till.

This is truly a shame, and Ed will no doubt be missed. I feel like I hardly knew him, but that's probably because I am hardly 60 Minutes' target demographic. Starting today, I will certainly be holding my main man Charles Osgood nearer and dearer, because you just never know.

Also, David Langlieb.

TEK JANSEN!

I don't know if you're all aware what has been happening on Comedy Central's Motherload web content/The Colbert Report, but check it out! Tek Jansen! Colbert's very own animated super hero alter ego! I, for one, feel like a bigger douchebag than our embittered/racist anonymous commentor on LangliebGate 06 for not knowing about Tek sooner. His theme song will be my wedding song for sure.

Also, David Langlieb.

House 11/7/06: House gets real; find the Langliebgate reference!

Last night on House: a comatose 600-pounder comes to the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, and when he awakens he tries to bust out. Problem is, weighing 600 pounds makes him sort of hard to miss. In a very House-esque move, Cameron doses him to keep him in the hospital. He refuses to believe that his illness is connected to his weight, and it turns out he's correct: he has inoperable lung cancer. Sometimes it sucks to be right, huh? Meanwhile, the cop who House previously violated with a rectal thermometer is gunning for our favorite titular character. He searches House's apartment and finds enough Vicodin to keep all of Greenpoint sedated. Ruh roh!

I, for one, am thrilled that the House writers have come up with a credible adversary for our favorite doc. This season had a lackluster start, but with David "I'm so creepy! CREEEEEEEEEPY!" Morse as the cop who's got it in for House, things have been kicked up a few notches.

As much as I love Hugh Laurie and the character he plays, the formulaic nature of the show can get tiresome: it always ends with House brilliantly pulling some brilliant conclusion out of left field, and then brilliantly curing the patient. All while sending a constant stream of insults his or her way. It's like, I get it. He's really good at what he does. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind I'm going, "No doctor can be this much of an asshat, AND publicly addicted to Vicodin, and never get sued, no matter how smart he is."

Well, Mr. CREEEEEEEEEPY! may resolve both of these dilemmas. He confronts House with the legal troubles that would be inevitable in the real world, and he also takes much of the pleasure out of House's medical victories, since in his personal life, Greg's in deep. He may have tied with God in a genius-off, but he ain't infallible. I look forward to the upcoming episodes, especially since tonight's Lost will be the last for many long, cold months.

Also, David Langlieb. I'm just gonna write his name at the end of every entry to get more hits. Why not? All the other blogs are doing it!

"Never were words so true." Thoughts on Gilmore Girls and memories from Brian Williams

When I thought of the title for this entry, I was sure that Voltaire, FDR or some other ‘quotent quotable’ amongst the pages of Bartlett’s familiar quotations said the above line. Turns out it is a lyric in the song Home, from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, now in its thirteenth smash year on Broadway, and featuring Donnie Osmond through December 24th. I dare you to judge me. Go ahead. Do it.

Anyhooters, perusing various publications today, I felt as if television related writers were SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO ME. Like they were IN MY HEAD. Like they KNEW ME BETTER THAN ANY OTHER PERSON. Like they were MATT PARKMAN AND I WAS SYLAR. Here’s what I’m talking about.

In her astute article on Gilmore Girls, The NY Times’s Virginia Heffernan offers the best analysis I have heard all season, except for mine. When the WB, Amy Sherman-Palladino and Dan Palladino could not come to contractual terms, the married couple/show helmers jumped ship. With Amy on board, the show’s wit and banter was as sharp as an anonymous commentor’s bite. Or as Heffernan puts it, we saw Lorelai and Rory as they should be:

“In their purest incarnations, Lorelai and Rory shared the witty woman’s challenge: to architect a wall of words so high and so thick that no silence, no stares, no intimations of mortality or even love could penetrate it.”

Now it looks as if Lorelai and Chris are going to get caught up in the romance of Paris. The closest I came to romance in Paris was hooking up with some guy named Jeremiah in a room featuring six bunk beds at the Hotel Calaincourt, whilst reeking of Guinness. And Lorelai and myself are cut from the same cloth. Okay, her cloth is skinnier and better dressed, but nonetheless it is the same. Therefore, I can tell you that a decline into the depths of canoodling and conversation hearts over the course of one summer hiatus is NOT POSSIBLE. Here’s hoping that the coarseness of Luke’s stubble and over starched flannels will soon whip Lorelai back into shape.

Also, in the latest edition of Newsweek, NBC News’ favorite funny man* gives a heartwarming look at his youth’s transition to Technicolor. He shares, “I was, more than any kid I knew, obsessed and fascinated at what television had to offer, and the places it could take me.” The same is true for me, possibly times three. So for all those times my mother told me to switch off the M*A*S*H repeats in favor of some outdoor recreation, I say to her, LOOK AT ME NOW!

*Chris Hansen came in second, specifically for his fine work in blooper reels featuring pedophiles caught with their pants down.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming...Law and Order: Out to Pasture

Staying abreast with current events has really helped our site meter out. So in case you hadn’t heard, this weekend was bad noose for Saddam Hussein. Find me a more reliable source than the Boob Tubers to read about current events and I will give you a million bucks*. We’re like the Daily Show of amateur blogs about television.

But seriously,folks, as Alanna said, back to business as I proudly present the next installment in the Law and Order franchise, Law and Order: Out to Pasture. The grand pappy of all procedural crime shows and its equally successful subsets have created yet a new niche for themselves: the place where personalities that have aged themselves to the B-list go to fade away.


Most notably, last Friday’s installment of Law and Order: Original Recipe featured Chevy Chase in a ripped from the headlines story. Chase played a celebrity who spreads anti-Semitic love (and by love I mean hate) after being arrested for a D.U.I. And also, when pulled over, he’s covered in blood. Chase should be commended for his dramatic acting chops, something only hinted at in Clark Griswold’s scenes as a straight man. However, the L & O: OR writing staff could have benefited from not sleeping through Subtlety 101. As he spouted out lines like “sugartits,” Chase might as well been wearing a Passion of the Christ t-shirt.

Just a week earlier, Law and Order: SVU featured Liza Minelli, in a ripped from the [older] headlines story. Minelli played a Patsy Ramsey-type dealing years later with the murder of her beauty pageant queen daughter. Like most situations these days, Liza appeared to walk through this one in a painkiller induced haze. It’s like her Valium glazed eyes were saying, if mumsy had killed me, at least it would have been some sort of attention.

Earlier this season, Law and Order: SVU was visited by the incomporable Jerry Lewis. Let me tell you, if Emmy watched the first half of the episode before changing to marvel at how puffy James Spader has gotten on Boston Legal, Jerry may have a chance. His portrayal of a catatonic homeless person/potential rapist was so believable it had me saying, “So THAT’S what he does between telethons.” But when it’s revealed Lewis is actually Detective Munch’s uncle, he gets the medication he needs and reverts back into HEY PRETTY LADY mode. And then pushes a perp in the way of an oncoming subway.

In the end, I suppose Law and Order is a better choice than The Surreal Life for fading stars, but if the Peacock wants to hold on to the oh so precious 18 to 49ers with their procedural crime franchise, perhaps they should have gone the CSI route and snatched up Kevin Federline before he was too hot to handle. Or not.

*I will not give you a million bucks.

Declaring the time of death on the Greenpoint scandal

Boy, that escalated quickly!

At this point, I believe I speak for all Boob Tubers when I say it is time to move on from Langliebgate 2006. We've made our stance clear, and so have a multitude of commenters with varying levels of humor and eloquence. The comments section for our last entry has begun to take a nasty turn, so we declare a moratorium on that topic. Feel free to continue leaving your thoughts, but do not expect a repsonse from us.

Oh, and by the way, it looks like there's a totally new thing to be offended by today. Get on that, people!

Please stay tuned as we go back to writing about what we know best, television. Jeanette will be posting shortly about the Law and Order behemoth, and there probably won't be any references to Detective Benson hot on the trail of a Polish crime ring.

Media Tubers: We Break the Silence As One of Our Own is Dragged through Mud

There are only so many Langliebs in the phone book, so if you have deduced that our own resident Sex and the City expert is the same David Langlieb that has been today’s talk of the town, you’re right. For those of you that haven’t heard the news, a satirical article Langlieb wrote accusing gentrification of being a modern day form of colonialism has caused quite the stir within the Polish community, despite its obvious sardonic tone.

Maybe if Langlieb wrote for Condé Nast, the New York Times, or News Corp (well okay, probably not News Corp) he would be fired. But Boob Tubers is no Condé Nast or New York Times! Here, we are staunch protectors of the freedom of speech, and staunch supporters of the death penalty for people incapable of critical reading.

As for the Polish community that is now up in arms, please understand that the Boob Tubers, Langlieb included, have nothing but respect for you. In order to show this respect, we would like to invite any Pole that is willing to share a meal with us. Let’s get together and eat some dead babies. We found a great recipe here in Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal. Wait, what? He didn’t actually want us to eat baby? How can that BE? It’s right there in writing!

Before your fun size Butterfinger high wears off, I'd like to offer my assessment of Bravo's "Even Scarier Movie Moments" miniseries that aired last night: Zzzzzz...

I was deeply disappointed in this dull, predictable horror movie round-up, because the initial 100 Scariest Movie Moments that I caught a couple years ago was so great. The flicks were assessed by actual horror veterans like John Landis, Stephen King, and Guillermo del Toro, in addition to film experts like Leonard Maltin. (Oh, Leonard. You and your compulsive movie taxonomy.) And random shmandoms like Debbie Matenopoulos offered such color commentary as this response to the eternally great Poltergeist: "Get your kids, get your shit, get the fuck out of the house. That's all I've got to say." Beautiful.

What was best, though, was that the show didn't just cover the traditional Psycho-The Exorcist-Alien type films, though those three ranked quite high. (As a companion piece, check out J.J.'s blog about his tormented relationship with The Exorcist.) No, "100 Scariest" tackled oldies like "Freaks," foreign films like "Audition," and cult hits / obscurities like "An American Werewolf in London," "The Brood," and "The Wicker Man."

The show nspired me to watch "Suspiria," Dario Argento's beautifully bizarre film about a coven that sets up shop in an Italian dance school. Interestingly, last night's lackluster "Even Scarier" shows a clip from "Saw II" in which a girl is forced to jump into a pit of dirty hypodermic needles. Surely this lovely moment owes much to the scene in "Suspiria," in which a young dancer believes she is jumping to safety, but really leaps into a pit of barbed wire.

The original "Scariest Moments" also led to a party which was dubbed CronenFest and took place at my Maryland apartment during my senior year in college. We watched "The Brood," "eXistenZ," and "Crash" (no, not the L.A. race relations version) and enjoyed some distinctly Cronenberg grostequeries.

But last night, we had no outside-the-box selections, no random pop culture ephemera, no insightful commentary. Instead, we got the lame-o Eli Roth (of "Hostel" fame) yammering about how "Dead Alive" is the only film with enough gore to impress him. Wow, good to know. The list included recent semi-hits like "Cabin Fever," "Slither," and "The Grudge" - the American version! For shame, Bravo. You should have just re-aired your original, brilliant clip show.

House, M.D. has been cancelled!

Just kidding, readers. That was a Halloween trick, if you will, much akin to a traditional suburban egging. Or a hearty BOO! from a sheeted figure waiting around the corner. Or the use of a slit condom, discovered after an All Hallow’s Eve lovemaking session in a shaving cream and pumpkin gut covered alley. Boy was I a cheeky trickster that year!

Instead, I bring up House, M.D. to briefly mention that last Saturday’s episode of SNL was, by far, the best of the season. Sure, first time host Hugh Laurie benefited from the strength of a cold open courtesy of Borat himself. But he also had decades of experience to fall back on, and the entire show was rife with his trademark BBC humoUr. It is beyond imperative that you go here to hear Hugh’s protest song before the Peacock’s internet police make them take it down. (Sorry, Peacock, if it was on SNL’s site or I Tunes, I would have sent them there first and greased your feather covered palm.)

And now, we turn to the other side of today’s most frequently invoked dichotomy for a Halloween TREAT: daytime television’s... COSTUME PALOOZA!

The fun started bright and early this morning, as Today's Matt Lauer and Al Roker got their Jack Sparrow and Davey Jones on. I was really surprised that Matt changed into a suit before his interview with former GE chairman Jack Welch. Sure Jack Sparrow may not scream journalistic integrity, but I thought the pirate's presence during an interview with a former captain of industry re: the current state of our nation's dismal employment sitaution could have taught the housewives of the midwest an important lesson in symbolism. Oprah's book club could have been revolutionized! I was also surprised when Al's face tentacles prevented him from finding his own mouth during a segment on Halloween candy. For a while now, I had believed that doctor's inadvertantly placed a food magnet in Al's stomach, as opposed to the initally requested gastric band.


Only across town, but what I am beginning to believe is a parallel universe, on Live with Regis and Kelly, Regis did his best Howie Mandel while Kelly Ripa was one of the suitcase toting models from Deal or No Deal. At one point, Kelly pretended to speak like a foreigner and have no clue what was going on. HA! Did I say pretended? Unfortunately, couldn't land any images of this shit show, so unlike with the kids plugging books on Reading Rainbow, you actually will have to take my word for it.

Marth Stewart deemed today black cat day. Sure you'd think this might be a tribute to the lure surrounding these mysterious felines, but insiders know this is a tribute to the gang she joined in lock down, the Black Pussies. And boy those lead tattoos must have gone to her head, because in teasers, Martha told us we would be seeing the Pussy Cat Dolls, but all we got were these gals, minus the astonishing Raven.

By the time The View rolled around, you may think that I was costumed out. Quite the contrary, my friends. I was fit as a fiddle and ready to take in the ladies dressed as famous queens throughout history. Take a look here as they interview the reigning queen of rock. Hot topics, however, have never been more disturbing, as guest host Kathie Lee Gifford as Catherine the Great sat stroking a toy horse. WHA WHA WHA WHAT?! If you could ACTUALLY handle horse cock, Kathie, maybe Frank wouldn't have had to rent out Motel 8 rooms for him and the local Applebee's hostess.

If your time was more valuable than mine today and you missed daytime television's COSTUME PALOOZA, but you're still in the mood for a Halloween treat, don't miss tonight's Late Night with Conan O'Brien in skelevision.

And if you're joining the boob tubers for the first time, courtesy of our nod on Cinematical, WELCOME and KEEP READING! Every time we get a hit, a Malawian orphan gets adopted.

"Love makes you do the wacky." --Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Too right you are, Buffy, especially when the love in question is for two dead guys. Today, as part of the brilliantly-themed Vampire Blog-a-thon, sponsored by Nathaniel of The Film Experience, I will tackle the age-old question that has tormented academics and fangirls alike: Angel or Spike? (Or, if you prefer, Tall, Dark, and Forehead or Captain Peroxide?)



I'd just like to see [Angel] grow. Honestly, everything he's done so far I've enjoyed, so there's not really one thing. Maybe, like, golfing or something." --David Boreanaz
There's nothing I love better than one of these completely insane one-liners. Unfortch, Angel the character lacked much of Boreanaz's off-the-wall charisma. In my mind, Angel didn't grow much on Buffy. He had two wildly different states of being, yes: guilt-plagued, brooding good guy and nasty, rage-filled bad guy. The most he could do was flip-flop between those two and occasionally make Buffy cry. Perhaps the problem is that Angel was too much a part of Buffy's central metaphor that became the show's framework in the first few seasons. That is, High School Is Hell. Sometimes you sleep with a guy and he becomes a totally different peson. We all knew Buffy and Angel's relationship was doomed from day one, because so much was set in stone. If Buffy sleeps with Angel, giving him one moment of true contentment, he will revert to the evil Angelus. And in the Buffyverse, as in our world, there's not much hope for a partnership with those kind of sexual high stakes. Once Angel goes from a mopey repenter to Angelus, we've seen everything he can do. (That is, until his spin-off.)

"The truth is, I like this world. You’ve got – the dog racing, Manchester United, and you’ve got people: billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs." --Spike
Spike, however, remained an unpredictable presence for much of the series. Unlike Angel, he didn't have a split personality - no soulless doppelganger. Soulless Spike was not very different from Soul-Having Spike, so there were much fewer rules dictating his behavior. We saw from the beginning that he was a different sort of vampire, cut from a more romantic, Anne Rice-ish mold. The Judge told Spike and his highly irritating girlfriend, Drusilla, that they had too much humanity in them. "Yeah, what of it?" Spike said. Spike never seemed evil so much as a juvenile delinquent in arrested development. He took a manic glee in creating havoc for havoc's sake and had some of the best one-liners ever uttered on television. Unlike Angelus, who was a by-the-book villain, Spike was much more self-aware; he turned the bad guy cliches on their head. He also was incredibly sensitive, even without a soul: see season five's "Fool For Love" to see how quickly Buffy breaks the guy who has "always been bad."

"I love syphilis more than you." --Spike
Sigh. It's no surprise that Buffy should fall for either of these cradle-robbing creatures of the night, despite Angel's massive forehead or the fact that Spike's hair makes his head look like a Q-tip. But Angel is ultimately a eunuch, or the forbidden fruit if you prefer something less emasculating. Angel will always be Buffy's first love, but their relationship is a dead end.

In season four, Spike is rendered impotent by a microchip the Initiative places in his brain; in one episode, in which Buffy and Faith switch bodies, Faith-as-Buffy humiliates him sexually with some vivid dialogue. (I seem to remember "make you pop like champagne" being said at some point.) In season 5, Spike has an epiphany after having an erotic dream about Buffy. Turns out, all that fighting they've done is kind of like third base for Spike. And so begins some of the most perverse sex ever aired on network television. We all thank you, Spike.

Her relationship with Angel forces Buffy to become independent. She discovers when she must kill Angel, that at the end of the day she has only herself to rely on. Spike, on the other hand, forces Buffy into more existential dilemmas about herself, the nature of her job, her baser wants and instincts. And I don't know about you all, but exploring those baser wants and instincts were far more fun than watching Buffy swoon in Angel's arms.

Advantage: Spike.

Sex and the City Pre-Election Day Special

Voters go the polls in two weeks from today, and both houses of Congress are up for grabs. I was reading expert pollster Charlie Cook's website today as I am wont to do around election time and was reminded of Sex and the City.

Cook predicts Democratic takeovers of the House and Senate, an analysis I wish I could agree with. It is true that recent polling looks good. But Cook, like many political analysts in 2002 and 2004, neglects to consider the vastly superior GOP turnout operation - the Repubs know how to get their voters to the polls (I assume it involves promising them free vials of orphan blood or something) and they cheat (a recent gambit involved distributing pamphlets in poor, under-educated precincts in Mississippi that said Republicans should vote on election day while Democrats should vote on November 8th "in order to avoid long lines"). Usually the combination of high turnout and shameless cheating gets Republican candidates 2-5 extra points over what they're polling prior to the actual voting.

Sex and the City ignored a similar gaping political inconsistency sometime back. You may recall the early episodes of Season 3 in which Carrie dated a candidate for City Comptroller (also known as the guy with the urine-in-the-shower fetish - a phenomenon which deserves a blog post in and of itself). She expressed enormous ambivalence about the political process in a conversation with the gals, clearly betraying her as an unregistered voter. Okay. Fast forward to episode 80, "Hop, Skip, and a Week"...Carrie has JURY DUTY! Perhaps Darren Star would like to explain how an unregistered voter gets jury duty. Uh huh...I'm waiting.

Un. Fucking. Believable.

In an age when 15 year old girls are as likely to get excited about civics as Pat Buchanan is about Holocaust reparations, is it any wonder that S&TC can't bother to keep things straight for its target audience? I guess it's all cool as long as the Manolo Blahniks look good. Thanks for ruining democracy, by the way.

I suppose I will one day forgive the writers for this pathetic oversight. But Sarah Jessica Parker - as articulate a spokesperson for abortion rights as any Hollywood A-lister - should know better. She could at least have ad libbed something.

Berger: Are you telling me the guy had a mango in his suitcase?

Carrie: He did! And I'm also telling you that voting is cool!

Berger: Your excitement about the political process has inspired me to not break up with you on a post-it.

Carrie: Let's have sex!

And...scene.

Vampire Blog-a-Thon: Interview with The Vampire

Brace yourselves, readers, for a blood spattered October 30 blog-a-thon extravaganza! Watch the video above for details and mid-nineties, less-crazy Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. Mmm.

Alanna's TV Round-Up: Questions for the Day

1. I've just tuned in to the delicious smuttiness that is Nip/Tuck. I know, I'm way behind the curve. But can someone tell me whether they always tie up troublesome plotlines so abruptly? See: The crazy would-be nanny Sean slept with getting hit by a plot device, I mean bus. And Sanaa Latham's husband having a deus ex machina, I mean stroke. I feel the show writers are missing excellent opportunities for blackmail stories. Come on, I want to see the despicable main characters plunging into the deepest shame spirals possible, not getting what they want four episodes into the season.

2. Lost was groovy last night. Anything with Pretty Boy Boone, sweat lodges, and hippie communes cum marijuana factories is fine by me. But are they ripping off Heroes by giving Desmond psychic abilities? And WHEN will we learn how Locke got paralyzed? I've heard a million different theories, including: botched suicide attempt; injured when Hurley made that deck collapse with his powers of fatosity; car accident with Sawyer. This is a question that could easily be answered, and should be. Soon.

3. Do you think Hiro on Heroes is a Sambo character? Vivian does. He certainly has that stereotypical anime character thing going for him, but I think it's tempered by his more sober and slightly sleazy friend. And how cool was that future-Hiro at the end of last episode? Well, just another shocking Heroes ending™.

4. Was anyone surprised that Jeffrey won Project Runway? I mean, even I could see that he was the most talented of the bunch, despite being periodically blinded by his hideos neck-tattoos (necktoos?). YEAH DETROIT!!

McFighty

We're none of us Grey's Anatomy fans, but I can't help but take notice at the recent brouhaha on their set. For those of you who are too busy going to the opera or adopting African orphans to pay attention to B-list scuffles, Isaiah Washington tried to choke a bitch -- the bitch in question being Patrick Dempsey.

I can't really speculate as to what this was about, but there's definitely something about Dempsey's mug that makes me want to break out my long-abandoned tae kwan do skills. Look at him - he's smug, simpering, other "s" words. He looks like Sean Penn's goofy little brother. (The one who didn't OD.) And face it, McDreamy fans - that hair is ridiculous.

They Come Out So You Don't Have To

In honor of National Coming Out Day, we at The Boob Tubers encourage our GLBT visitors to find the courage they need to fly their rainbow flags high... through, of course, the magic of television. Without further ado, my favorite TV queers:

1. Willow & Tara on Buffy the Vampire Slayer
These two were the first lesbian couple to appear on primetime TV. What a difference a few years makes. Willow's metamorphosis from a cutesy, stammering nerd larvae into a big, beautiful, Wiccan lesbian butterfly was one for the ages. The singular Buffy writers made her sexual awakening believable and relatable (except for the being able to float part). And Tara was her sweetie who, despite being a fairly minor character, got a show-stopping number in the Buffy musical, Once More With Feeling. You make me come...plete indeed.



2. Jodie Dallas on Soap
Frankly, I know very little about this character, as I was but a twinkle in my mama's eye when this show aired. But Billy Crystal grew up one town over from me (Strong Island WHAT!) and he played this dude, the first openly gay regular character on an American series.

3. The Fab Five on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
They're a little past their prime, but they shaped Bravo into the delightfully flamey network it is today. Tim Gunn, you betta recognize!



4. David & Keith on Six Feet Under
That crazy HBO. It wasn't enough for them to have a gay couple, they had to be a gay interracial couple as well! What's next, elaborate fantasy sequences involving the Corpse of the Week and some kind of musical number? I keed, I keed. David and Keith stand out because they were given as much screen time and drama as any other couple on Six Feet Under. They were alternately wretched and adorable, but by the series finale I was convinced they were meant for each other. Granted, whenever I watched the show with my dad he carried on so much you'd think the sight of two men kissing was burning the eyeballs right out of his head. So the social value here is negligible, if my dad is your sample population.

5. Shane on The L Word
This show is pretty much terrible and preposterous, but Katherine Moennig as Shane is the sexiest dirtbag to ever grace television. I want to both wash her hair and make out with her.



6. Rickie Vasquez on My So-Called Life
Rickie is the gay best friend every girl wants to have. He did his makeup with BFFs Rayanne and Angela in the girl's bathroom and secretly, sadly was infatuated with Jordan Catalano. (Who WASN'T?!?) I recently heard a crazy story: actor Wilson Cruz was kicked out of his home for being gay while filming. When his father saw the ironically parallel episode in which Rickie also ends up on the streets, he invited Wilson back home and they reconciled. See, TV does heal all wounds.

7. Mr./Ms. Garrison on South Park
Well, I just made a mockery of this whole list, didn't I?

Jeanette's Stream of Consciousness, 10/9/06 Studio 60 , Reliving Jay Mohr's Nightmare (it's not waking up each day realizing he's Jay Mohr)

Since my posts are done when I am at work, it's becoming harder and harder for me to write manifestos as we have seen other tubers do, namely regarding Lost. Jesus, I didn't get a word of that. OTHERS? POLAR BEARS? COCONUTS?! WHAT?! WHO IS WITH ME!? ABC, you so crazy.

So here are my television thoughts for Tuesday, October 10th...

I do not understand entertainment trade publications and their need for nicknames. When CBS is referred to solely as the eye, it makes sense. It is easier to say eye than it is to say CBS. The same can be said for NBC being referred to as the peacock. Say them both out loud...now which is easier? Why, peacock of course, both for its lack of a third syllable and its tendency to give you the giggles! But calling ABC the alphabet network and its parent company Disney the Mouse House, while cute, does not save breath or trees. It does, however, make any speaker invoking the slang sound just as cool as Ari Gold.

Last night, the second half hour of Studio 60 was magnamulous. I continue to be thrilled to see Evan Handler in a meaty, post Sex and the City role. Last night, Evan's Ricky Beck handled chaos with grace as Dylan (Bradley Whitford) and Matt (Matthew Perry) dealt with plagarism from the writer's room. Simon's (DL Hughley) abnormally funny rant on the Studio 60 version of Weekend Update was reminscent of a piece written much earlier by someone else... In Gasping for Airtime, Jay Mohr recalls a similar incident , where he blatantly steals a bit from Rick Shapiro's stand up. If it is the first month of Studio 60 and we have already seen them deal with this issue, and other predictable live TV show issues such as power outages, where do we stand with plot development, you may ask. I say we still haven't seen Dylan do blow off a hooker's ass, so this show has room to grow!

And also, please don't accuse me of getting on the box full of peacock soap that pays my rent, but feel free to enjoy tomorrow night's premiere of 30 Rock. I have seen the pilot which is certainly better than any 30 minute comedy out there on network TV (Ahem, Two and a Half Craps, eye network). But even if tomorrow's show doesn't 100% strike your fancy, please tune in next week, when the show is supposed to be HILarious.

Lost, 10/4/06: How did The Others get DSL???

This week on the Lost premiere: Jack, Kate, and Sawyer (for love triangle purposes, I'll just call them Skack) are in Otherville, which turns out to be a suburban utopia complete with muffins, book clubs, and high-speed access to Australian autopsy reports. Unfortunately for our protagonists, they're being held in the rough part of town.

Jack's in a 24-esque prison cell, where a cute blond named Juliet quickly breaks him like the pansy with daddy issues that he is.

Sawyer's in a bear cage, where he mostly glowers, quips, and figures out how to get a fish biscuit, but much more slowly than the bears did. Heh. Sawyer's dumber than your average bear.

Kate gets to don a dress and handcuffs for a beachside breakfast with The Artist Formerly Known as Henry Gale. TAFKAHG tells her to enjoy, because the next two weeks are going to be rough. Oh, shit. Two weeks in Lost time is like a full television season in the real world.

The rest of the Losties are nowhere to be found. We still have no idea whether Locke, Desmond, and Mr. Eko are alive after the hatch-splosion. Wait, that's not true. The actors' names are all in the opening credits. Mystery solved. However, I wish episode 3.1 could have tackled at least one question instead of dwelling, once again, on a Jack flashback (Jackback?) in which our hero is so put upon by the world. Sorry, when I consider the tragic backstories of other characters (Locke's dad stole his KIDNEY??? Sawyer witnessed his parents' murder-suicide???) I can't drudge up much sympathy for a self-rigteous jackass with such garden-variety problems as a drunk dad and a cheatin' wife.

Now, I'm not one to complain about Lost's deliberate pacing and cornucopia of mysteries. I enjoy its multilayered WTF-ness; it's what keeps me coming back. However, I agree with one Television Without Pity poster who said that the trouble with the show is that when it does answer questions, it only addresses the whats, never the whys or hows. For example:

Q: What cause the plane to crash?
A: An electromagnetic pulse emitted by the hatch.
Q: But... why? Why did the hatch have world-destroying electromagnetism that was diffused by pushing a button? Who made it so? Now that the hatch exploded, where does the EMP go? How will that effect the island?
A: Shut the fuck up.

My advice to the Lost team: Get crackin' on those whys soon, or you'll soon end up with a X-Files Season 11 mess. Also: Sawyer looks warm in that cage in the middle of the jungle. Maybe he should take his clothes off.

Hugh "BFF of Jeanette and Alanna" Laurie to Host SNL

Sure, we've been bashing SN-Smell and NBC lately, but this news offers a glimmer of hope for the anorexic Saturday Night Live. Unlike most hosts, Hugh Laurie actually has a background in comedy and could theoretically write some of his own material. Is it foolish to hope we'll be spared the typical audience plant, "Oh hey, I didn't know you were British!" opening monologue antics in favour of an actual, you know, monologue? If not, Hugh's one host who I wouldn't mind to see singing instead of making jokes about car accidents (cough*DaneCook*cough). If you haven't ever experienced Hugh Laurie's lyrical stylings, check out season 1, episode two of Jeeves and Wooster. Hidy hidy hidy ho, indeed.

In any case, this calls for a blogtastic countdown to Hugh's SNL gig, which Jeanette and I will be DVR'ing because we're throwing a Halloween party that night. Yes, we're actually forgoing real time television. No, you're not invited.

So check back here throughout the month for Hugh-themed countdowns to October 28, AKA The Day Which Shall Live in Infamy. We'll post our favorite House bon mots, photographs, and whatever else we feel like when we're too lazy to come up with an actual update.

COUNTDOWN STATUS: 24 DAYS UNTIL HUGH LAURIE HOSTS SNL

Weekend Round Up, Degrassi, SN-SMELL, Saved by the Smell, Discovery Smell-las (which one doesn’t really work…)

The new season of Degrassi: the Next Generation started Friday night. Let me say it is a good thing that our neighbors to the north are liberal, because when I get picked up for seducing a minor (AKA, Daniel "biceps" Clark), I want to be tried in a bleeding heart court of love. As Dr. Gregory House said, “You can’t stop our love!”


Pictures of Daniel on the Internet are scarse, but that’s probably for the better. I don’t want to end up being interviewed by Dateline’s Chris Hansen with my pants off.

Anyway, I give the premiere four out of five chunks of Gouda, because it was cheese-tastic!

I want nothing more than to love Saturday Night Live. Ever since I was a four-year-old, flat-boobed tuber, watching Nick at Nite, asking my mother what consumption of mass quantities meant, the humor has reached out to me like no actual friends or emotional bonds could.

By the end of the 31st, 2005-2006 season, though, some would argue that it was as if Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker, himself had jumped on top of the show, leaving a pile of kindling (and the remains of Chris Parnell, Horatio Sanz, and Finesse Mitchell’s careers) to be swept up by Jane, the Studio 8H cleaning lady.

I have spent too many early Sunday mornings drunkenly quoting Amy Poehler’s Caitlin to be completely down on season 31, or the show in general. But when you have a weekend update team that is supposed to have more chemistry than Fred and Ginger, and they only get mild chuckles, Lorne Michael’s pulse has probably increased from ‘Canadian’ to ‘concerned.’ I’m not giving up yet, and stay tuned here as I will let you know how the new, streamlined cast is doing…


I’m certainly not breaking the news to blog land that Dustin Diamond, aka Screech of Saved by the Bell fame has had a sex tape leaked. But I am breaking social mores when I out myself and fellow boob tuber Alanna for following his lead. We spent our entire Saturday night giving each other fake dirty sanchezes from unknowing providers of…special moustache paint. Too much?


DVR is waiting for me to watch the first installment of the Discovery Channel’s new series Discovery Atlas. The Discovery Channel and I have had a tight relationship ever since they showed me my first naked boobies that weren’t my mom’s. Now they continue to fascinate me with this installment that will spend two hours simply profiling a different country this week. If you saw it, let me know what you thought of last night’s premiere on China (read: let me know which dog recipe looked best). Italy is featured next Sunday at 9 PM!