Oh Noes!!

I was just watching CNN and President Bush was giving a speech in the Rose Garden about HOW EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE OK which totally reminded me of how right after Columbine, my high school principal gave a "Please don't shoot up the school" speech at an assembly, insisting that there were alternatives, etc etc. Like why don't you try being a 16-year-old on this Hellmouth, Mr. Resnick. But ANYWAY Bush mentioned that the paper markets are frozen and all I could think was, "What does this mean for Dunder Mifflin?"



If they were to downsize, which Dunder Mifflin employee do you think would get the first pink slip?

It's Official

I can't bear to watch True Blood anymore. Last night I actually let my boyfriend change the channel to a football game in disgust. When Tara started ranting about how the town still frowns upon interracial couples, I dug my claws in, held on, and hoped for a redeeming scene. What I got was Jason's unstoppable boner as a result of drinking vampire blood. And then, Sookie yelling at her boss for not supporting vampire rights.

Seriously, the phrase "vampire rights" need never have been uttered in this show and it would still be abundantly clear what the writers are alluding to. Alan Ball should have to go to some kind of special writer re-education camp where he can learn the "Show, Don't Tell" rule. Zach Braff should go too. (Garden State: "You see, Natalie Portman, I love you. You've changed my life. You've given me hope..." etc. etc. way to RUIN a perfectly okay movie, J.D)

I hate you, True Blood, I HATE you. You could have been so cool. You could have been Buffy with cursing and fucking and Cajun people. You could have helped me to continue pursuing a lifelong fascination with bloodsuckers and the women who love them, but instead, you had to suck so relentlessly. Die in a fire.

Love,
Alanna

Wheel of (Mis)Fortune: Pat Sajak Suicide Watch

For as long as I have been conscious, Pat Sajak has been the host of Wheel of Fortune. To me, a lifetime fan of syndicated game shows, he has served as a vanguard of comfort, a permanent, smiling fixture in the revolving door of TV personalities. He has stuck with The Wheel through its tough times. Remember in the early 80s when you did not win actual cash, but had to spend all accumlated cash in a gallery of crap-tastic prizes, including but not limited to ceramic statues of dalmatians? I do! He has stuck with The Wheel through the good times. Pat's got three Emmys for hosting and a star on the Hollywood walk of fame.

But Pat is so much more than hugs from overweight, midwestern contestants and all-inclusive trips to the Bahamas. As I recall, he has SHINED whenever filling in on Live with Regis and Kathie Lee/Kelly. He even had a taste of freedom when he hosted the short lived Pat Sajak Show for CBS, and again managed to pick through the cement wall with Pat Sajak Weekend for the Fox "News" Channel (see what I did there?!). However, the retractable umbilicle chord attaching him to The Wheel always manages to pull him back and away from the light.

Which brings me to last night's Wheel, a repeat of the first episode from its 24th season. There were not one, but two times where Pat let his guard down at looked at us, the viewers, with UTTER CONTEMPT. I can only assume Pat Sajak is not long for this world. That is why here at BoobTubers, I am starting the...

Pat Sajak Suicide Watch/Pool

Comment back with the exact date and year you think Pat will end it all, and if correct, you will, most definitely win a glorious prize.

In conclusion, here is a scene I wrote for mine and Alanna's opus, THIS SHOW BITES, a play documenting James Marsters' days at Juliard, featuring this relevant play within a play.

This Show Bites
Act I, Scene 6

The lights go up dimly to reveal a completely black environment, which is actually a stage. James sits on a stool centerstage, also dressed in black. As the lights go up, James looks up at theaudience.

Audience: A play within a play! MAAARVELOUS!

James: (dramatically) Intrigue...

A bongo drum is heard in the background.

James: Passion... Bravery... Justice... Brilliance... Charisma... Animal Attraction... I (pause)am Pat Sajak, and this (gestures to figures dressed completely in black modern dancing their way onto the stage) is my life and times.

The drums continue to play and James participates in a modern dance with the black figures during which they strike a different, limber pose for each drumbeat.

Black Figure 1: This is the second grade, Pat. What is a vowel? WHAT IS A VOWEL?

James: I don't know. I DON'T KNOW.

Figure 1: MY CURSE TO YOU IS THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ESCAPE VOWELS.

Black Figure 2 I am your illegitimate father, Pat. I am a carnie. Get on the ferris wheel. STAY ON THE FERRIS WHEEL!

James: WHY, GOD, WHY?!?!

Figure 2: MY CURSE TO YOU IS THAT THE WHEEL WILL EARN YOU YOUR BREAD!

Black Figure 3: I am your hairdresser, Pat. I will tease your hair. I WILL TEASE YOUR HAIR!

James: SWEET GOD, I HAVE A COIF!

Figure 3: MY CURSE IS THAT NO WIND, NO RAIN, NO LOVER'S GRASP WILL RELEASE YOUR HAIR FROM ITS POSE!

James: The vowels...the wheel... the HAIR. I can't do it, but I must. I embrace my calling...I am the host of a syndicated game show...

All black figures: (starting softly and increasing in volume until they are shouting) Free spin, bankrupt, LOSE A TURN. Free spin, bankrupt, LOSE A TURN. Free spin, bankrupt, LOSE A TURN!

All fall flat on the stage. The drums stop and the lights go out.

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust...

In case you were wondering, at the end of last week, I made the decision to take my THe View spring collector's mug and place it on my desk to serve as the best pen holder ever.

On Wednesday, I made sure that Elisabeth's face was facing away from me...and that I I could only see Rosie and Joy smiling back at me with Warhol-esque vibrancy.

Today, I couldn't even look at the mug anymore.

It's been real, Ro. I'll catch you on the flip side.

To attempt to make sense of this senseless tragedy for just a second...it's not that Elisabeth isn't entitled to hold her views...it's just that she is under thirty and lacks the skill and charisma of her View co-hosts, and therefore comes across as more like the weakest link on a high school Model UN team.

And if you're like me and have Wednesday's episode DVRd for the repeat viewing, please check out Alicia Silverstone's snub of Elisabeth. It is better television than the M*A*S*H and Seinfeld series finales combined.

Cue Madonna's This Used to Be My Playground.

What's a girl to do (since Rosie's leaving The View)?

In light of last week's tragic news that Rosie will be leaving The View next month, I did the only think that I knew would make me feel even a little bit better...I purchased the commemorative The View mug in its spring design, featuring a Rushmore-esque representation of Rosie, Barbara, Joy and Elizabeth. Total cost with shipping was $22.50.


It has arrived, but I need your help. Do I:

1) Clearly never use this mug because it is a collector's item that will (and should) be passed down from generation to generation?

2) Use this mug for its intended purpose: drinking delightfully warm beverages that also warm my soul, just like watching some 'Hot Topics' does?

3) Use this mug as a decorative pen holder on my desk, where I will get to look at it more often since I very rarely make warm beverages at home?

And by the by, my vote for Rosie's replacement EASILY is Whoopi Goldberg. While Sherri Shepard did have some hilarious co-hosting stints earlier in the season, Whoopi is the solid voice that that table needs.