Just kidding, readers. That was a Halloween trick, if you will, much akin to a traditional suburban egging. Or a hearty BOO! from a sheeted figure waiting around the corner. Or the use of a slit condom, discovered after an All Hallow’s Eve lovemaking session in a shaving cream and pumpkin gut covered alley. Boy was I a cheeky trickster that year!
Instead, I bring up House, M.D. to briefly mention that last Saturday’s episode of SNL was, by far, the best of the season. Sure, first time host Hugh Laurie benefited from the strength of a cold open courtesy of Borat himself. But he also had decades of experience to fall back on, and the entire show was rife with his trademark BBC humoUr. It is beyond imperative that you go here to hear Hugh’s protest song before the Peacock’s internet police make them take it down. (Sorry, Peacock, if it was on SNL’s site or I Tunes, I would have sent them there first and greased your feather covered palm.)
And now, we turn to the other side of today’s most frequently invoked dichotomy for a Halloween TREAT: daytime television’s... COSTUME PALOOZA!
The fun started bright and early this morning, as Today's Matt Lauer and Al Roker got their Jack Sparrow and Davey Jones on. I was really surprised that Matt changed into a suit before his interview with former GE chairman Jack Welch. Sure Jack Sparrow may not scream journalistic integrity, but I thought the pirate's presence during an interview with a former captain of industry re: the current state of our nation's dismal employment sitaution could have taught the housewives of the midwest an important lesson in symbolism. Oprah's book club could have been revolutionized! I was also surprised when Al's face tentacles prevented him from finding his own mouth during a segment on Halloween candy. For a while now, I had believed that doctor's inadvertantly placed a food magnet in Al's stomach, as opposed to the initally requested gastric band.
Only across town, but what I am beginning to believe is a parallel universe, on Live with Regis and Kelly, Regis did his best Howie Mandel while Kelly Ripa was one of the suitcase toting models from Deal or No Deal. At one point, Kelly pretended to speak like a foreigner and have no clue what was going on. HA! Did I say pretended? Unfortunately, couldn't land any images of this shit show, so unlike with the kids plugging books on Reading Rainbow, you actually will have to take my word for it.
Marth Stewart deemed today black cat day. Sure you'd think this might be a tribute to the lure surrounding these mysterious felines, but insiders know this is a tribute to the gang she joined in lock down, the Black Pussies. And boy those lead tattoos must have gone to her head, because in teasers, Martha told us we would be seeing the Pussy Cat Dolls, but all we got were these gals, minus the astonishing Raven.
By the time The View rolled around, you may think that I was costumed out. Quite the contrary, my friends. I was fit as a fiddle and ready to take in the ladies dressed as famous queens throughout history. Take a look here as they interview the reigning queen of rock. Hot topics, however, have never been more disturbing, as guest host Kathie Lee Gifford as Catherine the Great sat stroking a toy horse. WHA WHA WHA WHAT?! If you could ACTUALLY handle horse cock, Kathie, maybe Frank wouldn't have had to rent out Motel 8 rooms for him and the local Applebee's hostess.
If your time was more valuable than mine today and you missed daytime television's COSTUME PALOOZA, but you're still in the mood for a Halloween treat, don't miss tonight's Late Night with Conan O'Brien in skelevision.
And if you're joining the boob tubers for the first time, courtesy of our nod on Cinematical, WELCOME and KEEP READING! Every time we get a hit, a Malawian orphan gets adopted.