Last night's House was perhaps was the most miserable Christmas episode that I have ever seen. Between the detoxing, and the stealing Oxy from a dead guy, and the betrayals and the ultimatums and the sniping, and the really hot dwarf (wait, what?), Bad Hat Harry Productions has left us with almost nothing but negativity to carry us through the dark House-less days until January 9th.
Almost nothing. Because last night's episode provided Jeanette and I with one amazing revelation.
Gregory House has metamorphosed into a teenage girl.
Sure, House was cutting himself because it helped to "release endorphins" that temporarily "relieved his agonizing leg pain" and the "discomfort of detoxing from Vicodin." But any graduate of a suburban high school knows what sort of people really cut themselves, and why:
Angsty adolescent females who want everyone to see the pain they feel inside. The kind of horrible, horrible pain that comes from parents who give you your grandfather's old Buick for your 16th birthday instead of the Audi that your friend Julie got. The intolerable ouchies of a rejection letter from Brown University, which is where you were meant to go, because you worked your upper-middle-class butt off for this and your consolation prize is a SUNY, and SUNY schools are for poor losers!
Ahem. To confirm our suspicions, we received a leak of the teleplay for the next new House. Here's a teaser, exclusive to Boob Tubers readers.
EXT. PRINCETON-PLAINSBORO TEACHING HOSPITAL - ESTABLISHING
INT. HOUSE'S OFFICE - DAY
House, our patient is presenting with symptoms of liver failure. Yellow eyes, dark urine, and a strange attraction to old, curmudgeonly men. Oh wait. That last one is a symptom of my personal failure as a human being.
It's clearly Seacrest's Disease.
It's not Seacrest's, I already told you. Seacrest's involves the erratic growth of facial hair in men of short stature.
House, what do you think?
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME!
What are you talking about?
You guys act like you know so much, but you really don't. Like, do you know how I lost my virginity?
I don't see how this is relevant to our patient--
I want to know.
It was at the cast party for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. To Ben Kellner, who played Joseph. All the other girls in the chorus were SO JEALOUS.
Uh, why don't we get back to the differential diagnosis.
But I'm so tired. Coach Sweeney made me do twenty laps this morning because I had three latenesses to gym class.
Cuddy enters, dressed very unprofessionally.
How are we doing with the patient?
Ugh, I hate you. I am so fat compared to you.
Well, I don't have a bum leg. I can work out every day.
Oh my God, I can't believe you just said that to me. You're such a bitch.
I'm a freak!
(reaches for conveniently located scalpel)
Oh, House. It's time you learned...
Life's not a song
Life isn't bliss
Life is just this
"Praised Be": Or, The Handmaid's Tale
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