Monday, November 06, 2006

Back to our regularly scheduled programming...Law and Order: Out to Pasture

Staying abreast with current events has really helped our site meter out. So in case you hadn’t heard, this weekend was bad noose for Saddam Hussein. Find me a more reliable source than the Boob Tubers to read about current events and I will give you a million bucks*. We’re like the Daily Show of amateur blogs about television.

But seriously,folks, as Alanna said, back to business as I proudly present the next installment in the Law and Order franchise, Law and Order: Out to Pasture. The grand pappy of all procedural crime shows and its equally successful subsets have created yet a new niche for themselves: the place where personalities that have aged themselves to the B-list go to fade away.

Most notably, last Friday’s installment of Law and Order: Original Recipe featured Chevy Chase in a ripped from the headlines story. Chase played a celebrity who spreads anti-Semitic love (and by love I mean hate) after being arrested for a D.U.I. And also, when pulled over, he’s covered in blood. Chase should be commended for his dramatic acting chops, something only hinted at in Clark Griswold’s scenes as a straight man. However, the L & O: OR writing staff could have benefited from not sleeping through Subtlety 101. As he spouted out lines like “sugartits,” Chase might as well been wearing a Passion of the Christ t-shirt.

Just a week earlier, Law and Order: SVU featured Liza Minelli, in a ripped from the [older] headlines story. Minelli played a Patsy Ramsey-type dealing years later with the murder of her beauty pageant queen daughter. Like most situations these days, Liza appeared to walk through this one in a painkiller induced haze. It’s like her Valium glazed eyes were saying, if mumsy had killed me, at least it would have been some sort of attention.

Earlier this season, Law and Order: SVU was visited by the incomporable Jerry Lewis. Let me tell you, if Emmy watched the first half of the episode before changing to marvel at how puffy James Spader has gotten on Boston Legal, Jerry may have a chance. His portrayal of a catatonic homeless person/potential rapist was so believable it had me saying, “So THAT’S what he does between telethons.” But when it’s revealed Lewis is actually Detective Munch’s uncle, he gets the medication he needs and reverts back into HEY PRETTY LADY mode. And then pushes a perp in the way of an oncoming subway.

In the end, I suppose Law and Order is a better choice than The Surreal Life for fading stars, but if the Peacock wants to hold on to the oh so precious 18 to 49ers with their procedural crime franchise, perhaps they should have gone the CSI route and snatched up Kevin Federline before he was too hot to handle. Or not.

*I will not give you a million bucks.

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