Dream Men

30 ROCK is back tonight on its quest to become more than a critic's and smart people audience's darling. HELP IT OUT, FOLKS, AND TUNE IN!

I, for one, am thrilled to see Peter Dinklage as Liz Lemon's love interest starting on tonight's episode. I once had a dream in which Peter Dinklage was hot in pursuit of me, actually. We were in a pony-riding ring when this happened, and I nicely turned him down. I think this dream occurred sometime after his season on NIP TUCK.

In honor of my little person lover's guest starring stint on a show that churns out guest starring Emmy nominees like an Amish girl does butter, I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, television celebrities I have also had (embarrassingly) intimate dreams about.

1. Kelsey Grammar- One of my first dreams of an intimate nature, this one was very straightforward. I was on top, looked down, and thought...gross. He didn't even make me tossed salad and scrambled eggs afterwards. Har har har.

2. Jack Osbourne- I am hard pressed to count this one because in my dream, I was actually somebody else. I have heard that if you are able to dream that you're somebody else, you're clinically insane.

3. Seth Rogen- This one was also straightforward and, in my dream, happened right after a birthday party for my sister. Seth and I ALMOST had a round two in dreamland recently. We were both high school exchange students studying in Japan. We were trying to get weed together and I saw where it was going and stopped it. In reality, though, I wouldn't turn Seth down.

4. Josh Radnor- In this dream, there was no intercourse. Actually, Josh Radnor just gave me a really strong and satisfying hug as he told me he would rather sleep with Charlize Theron. I get it, Josh. I would probably have made the same choice.

I THINK MY MOM WILL LOVE READING THIS ENTRY MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE.

What you are doing this weekend

You are watching the season premiere of Saturday Night Live on NBC. Michael "Butthisface" Phelps promises to be about as charismatic as any athlete that's ever hosted the show, but it's the season opener in what should be a very exciting few months leading up to the election. Elusive Lorne Michaels won't confirm or deny Tina Fey's return to play Sarah "Bulldog" Palin (Interesting note: Bulldogs are incapable of grooming their own assholes. Frequently, owners find themselves wiping the area on their own. Are we ready ready for a President AND Vice President that can't wipe their own asses? No.). Also stay tuned this season to see if Michaels is successful in his begging of Maya Rudolph to come back and play Michelle Obama.

Newest featured player Bobby Moynihan (pictured left) will also be making his debut. Another writer/performer to come from the Upright Citizen's Brigade theater, complete with an "I don't give a crap" gut and scruffy hair, my pal Kara is most likely correct in her assessment that he will play a role similar to Horatio Sanz. Keep your eyes open for a yet to be named, female featured player to take Amy Poehler's place when she leaves to pop out the world's funniest baby and star on The Office spinoff in November.

You are also routing for my pal Jennifer McNamara Shroff to win the Emmy this weekend for her brilliant job casting 30 Rock. Her nabbing of Dean Winters alone is enough to secure the statue. Check Sunday to see how she did along with everyone else nominated for this years Creative Arts Emmys.

And you are getting shitfaced drunk. No wait, that's me.