Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Sunday / Monday night lights

Wowee wow wow, as Borat would say, it's like the execs at Fox are reading this blog! This is why I'd like to use this space to thank Rupert Murdoch for casting Paul McCrane as Jack's brother on 24. Rupes must know from a previous entry that I love the formerly red Afro'ed PMC from his work on ER, and he thusly cast him as Jack's evil twin. Never mind that they resemble each other in the way that I resemble Dennis Rodman. I trust that PMC will add some much-needed snark to an otherwise humorless show, full of nuclear expolosions in LA (who needed that place, anyway?) and Jack crying!?!

Moving over to the ol' Home Box Office, I've been enjoying this second and final season of Rome muchly. The first two episodes have blown all of the last season out of the water in terms of quality and entertainment value. With Caesar murdered, everyone is going batshit crazy. A kind of proto-Mafia is warring in the city (one captain is killed by being put in a bag full of SNAKES and then drowned.) Mark Antony is trying to keep the young, effete, but highly intelligent Octavian from his inheritance as Caesar's adopted son, and Cleopatra is swooping in majestically with lots of eyeliner on to make Mark Antony's f*ckbuddy, Atia, go insane with jealousy. Best line from Atia to Cleo? "Die screaming, you pig-spawned trollop." I'm waiting for the opportunity to use that turn of phrase myself.

Rome is no Deadwood, but it's appealing in many ways, one of which being that I can actually understand all the political machinations taking place. Thank God for HBO teaching me about such varied historical periods as ancient Rome and the Old West, because I certainly napped through every high school history class I ever took. And when learning about the troubled years before the formation of the Triumvirate involves seeing Mark Antony's c*ck repeatedly, count me in. Because he's hot, in an aging British guy sort of way.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

24 Mad Libs

Hello readers! I've developed an interactive game around a sample of dialogue from the thrilling premiere of the sixth season of 24.* Surely you all remember Mad Libs, the wacky word game your parents threw at you when you were annoying them on long car rides. Well, I've discovered that this childhood activity perfectly aligns with 24's dialogue. See below for the word blanks, and some suggestions from me on how to fill them in!

SCENE: Jack is in pursuit of a terrorist who is driving on a freeway with a nuclear weapon in his trunk. Accompanying him on this mission is a former bad guy looking to atone. Jack is on his cell, Blackberry, GPS, walkie-talkie, and carrier pigeon with the folks back at CTU.

JACK: Chloe!

CHLOE: Hello, lover.

JACK: THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT! I'm pursuing a (terrorist group) agent and I need your help.

CHLOE: OK, I'm setting up the (tracking device) now. How did you find him?

JACK: I'm working with (foreign name).

CHLOE: You're working with (foreign name)?!? But he's a known (unsavory career title)!

JACK: Well, he's trying to make amends.

CHLOE: But he's killed hundreds of people!

JACK: Chloe, you have to trust me on this one. If you don't, (dire situation) could happen!

CHLOE: OK lov- I mean Jack. I trust you.

(terrorist group)
a) Al-Qaeda
b) ETA
c) Chechen Rebels
d) Williamsburg residents

(tracking device)
a) satellite navigation
b) beeping thing
c) TomTom
d) locator spell

(foreign name)
a) Hassad
b) Ammad
c) Riyad
d) Joe

(unsavory career title)
a) assassin
b) adult film star
c) back-up singer
d) editorial assistant

(dire situation)
a) nuclear war
b) the Apocalypse
c) global warming
d) a Kiss reunion tour

Post your 24 Mad Libs in the comments!

*with thanks to Idolator's Hold Steady Mad Libs

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Jeanette's Rootin' Tootin' Roundup- Week of 1/8/07

Bindi Irwin was on Ellen Today. Usually, seeing children/the thought of having offspring of my own causes my loins to shift in agitation and speak to me in a voice similar to Audrey 2's, saying, "NOOO JEANETTE! WE WANT NONE OF THAT!" But that Bindi is so cute. She apologized to Ellen for potentially eating too many SlimJims in the green room, AND she came out carrying a lizard. AWWW. No one rocks the straight across the forehead bangs as well as brave, little Bindi.

In 1961, John Howard Griffin published Black Like Me, his account of his travels through southern, segregated states disguised as an African American man. Needless to say, it wasn't pretty. On January 8th, 2007, Lifetime aired their original movie To Be Fat Like Me, Kaley Cuoco's account of her experience taking summer school in a neighboring high school disguised as a fat chick. Now, I'm far from skin and bones (but, for the record, by no means do I even come close to the suited up Cuoco). I just give that information as proof that I'm not doubting the struggle of an obese person, particularly a teen. HOWEVER, are we meant to believe that the fat person finds burning crosses on their lawn? The fat person makes 65 cents to every skinny person's dollar? The fat person is forced to sit in the back of the bus? (Well, okay maybe sometimes for balance, but only on windy roads.) Getting picked last for gym softball sucks, but getting lynched sucks more. Good job, Lifetime. Between this and your newest tour de force Gay, Straight or Taken?, you're showing us your real sensitive side.

And finally, ever since LangliebGate, we have found it important to take a stance on vital issues. That's why I want to let blogland know that we are PRO RO in the O'Donnell/Trump feud. Donald, you are a public figure. Rosie made a valid point (that you were using a naive girl to promote yourself) and made a comment about your hair. Who hasn't made a Trump hair joke? He has made scathing comments and misquotes in return. Not cool.

Also, I wish I had the numbers to back me up on this, but despite some of his businesses going bankrupt, I am fairly certain that the Donald has more money than Ro. What does he do for charity? Give subway hero's $10,000 checks because it is a guarantee that the press is watching. What does Ro do for charity? TONS, blogland, TONS. Weigh in here, unless you are Kaley Cuoco in a fat suit. That is TO MUCH JUNK for us to handle. HA see what I did there? It's all about bringin' it back.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Cranky Doc-Off

This announcement for the next episode of Scrubs inspired me to write a comparative blog:

Thursday, SCRUBS 9PM NBC: The new episode, "My House," pays homage to Hugh Laurie's acclaimed doctor drama "House." Dr. Cox (John C. McGinley) is the medical sleuth here, trying to figure out the causes of a man's strange skin pigmentation, a young woman's heart failure and a colleague's anger issues...

I only recently started watching Scrubs because I find Zach "Voice of His Generation" Braff too irritating to stomach, even in half-hour increments. But Scrubs is part of NBC's rock block of comedy, so I tend to tune in because what else am I going to do before The Office comes on? Read??

So with the news of this cranky doc crossover, I've been thinking about TV's affection for doctors, especially doctors who are irredeemable assholes. My first encounter with a Curmudgeon, M.D. was ER's Dr. Romano, a bald little troll who was Chief of Staff and also hilariously evil. Why do we like these guys? Maybe it's because they say what we wish we had the nerve to, or maybe it's because the idea of such a nasty doctor is amusingly incongruent - they're supposed to be caring for people, not berating them. Yet I'm no stranger to wildly inappropriate comments from medics. My dermatologist, for instance, once informed my mother that he was glad to have lost weight, because it "made [his] schmeckel look bigger."

Riiight. So which doctor is the most accomplished at verbal gymnastics, the cream of the belligerent crop? Each has their own strengths and weaknesses. Dr. Romano had the best one-liners on a show that was once, believe it or not, quite strong, but he was wussified by his crush on Dr. Corday, the Brit lady best known for pronouncing tumor "too-mah." Also, he lost an arm to a helicoptor and then was killed by a different chopper falling on him one season later. Man, ER disintegrated into nonsense quickly. Dr. Cox is appropriately over-the-top on the absurdity that is Scrubs, and I'm amazed at his ability to deliver rants that must read as incomprehensible in written scripts, but he also has too many "Awwwwwwww" sitcom moments. And Dr. House, despite his myriad appeals, sometimes steps over the line from snark into cruelty and makes the viewer uncomfortable.

So who's your pick? Comment away. I leave you with some choice quotes from each doctor to help you with this difficult decision.

"I'm beginning to think that "ER" stands for 'everyone's retarded.'"

JD: Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?
Dr. Cox: I'd say you're about a B-cup, Susan.

Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.