Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Dos and Don'ts

Lately, when I think about the show Heroes, I don't think about the schlocky dialogue. I don't think about how Niki got seriously gypped with her "super power," or how in real life, Nathan Petrelli is married to Natalie Maines of The Dixie Chicks, a band that actually titled a song "Lubbock or Leave It." Get it? It's not a bad song actually, but that's gotta be the worst title since The Constant Gardener. Sample lines from that film, at least in my mind:

"Always gardening, you are! By Jove, Manifred, when will you stop the constant gardening?"
"Never, dear Winthrop. My green thumb is eternal. For I am... the Constant Gardener."

No, I think about how Milo Ventimiglia has the stupidest hair on television. The proof is in the arbirtrary asymmetry:

The long-in-the-front, short-in-the-back 'do went out of fashion back in '99, when this chick from my high school, Stephanie, got props for being the "most creative" just because her hair hung in her fucking eyes all the time. Meanwhile, while Stephanie was artfully walking into things because she couldn't see through her HAIR, who was at home writing stories about girls who thought they were metamorphosing into dogs? ME. I SHOULD HAVE WON "MOST CREATIVE" IN THE SENIOR SUPERLATIVES SECTION OF THE YEARBOOK, DAMMIT.

So that's why I hate Milo Ventimiglia's hair. Otherwise, he's pretty cute, in a Guido sort of way. Wait. I take back the "Guido" thing. I don't want all of Bensonhurst crashing this blog and threatening my life. Well, I sort of do.

Other retarded hair cuts:

Flattop-era Will Smith

Keri Russell, whose Season 2 cropped hair was such a blow that it actually made ratings on Felicity go down. Also her ass looks big here.

David Boreanaz, now and forever. ("Angel's lame. His hair goes straight up and he's bloody stupid.")


Jeanette said...

My gripe of the twentieth century: When there was not a slot for funniest girl on the initial voting forms, several dozen people put me as a write in vote...causing the popular coalition to do a re-vote, at which point the award went to Diane L. What? Who? Exactly.

I did manage to snag the best actress nod, but my trophy was never picked up by Laura E.

Also, you will recall that Kelly R. and Melissa G. also sported the Milo-cut.


Alanna said...

Now that I think about it, I don't think Stephanie DID get Most Creative. I think it was like, Booby Betman... presumably because she was on yearbook staff? I'll have to check. Nevertheless, I think we can agree on Boob Tubers Superlatives:

Funniest: Jeanette
Most Creative: Alanna
Zaniest: Viv
Most Likely to be Beaten to Death by a Polack with a Tire Iron: Langlieb

Viv said...

boo, I think we can actually DISAGREE on these superlatives! Who composed a 100+ page adaptation of "Cinderella" to be performed by her My Little Ponies, in sixth grade? yeah, I thought so.

I propose some new superlatives for our senior class yearbook:

- Most likely to compose ill beats for artists like "Whoop Wawg" and then brag about it
- Most likely to get pregnant and find herself hitched in Florida midway through senior year
- Most in need of revised showering habits

etc etc

Viv said...

oh, and I think most creative was Emily Winniker or something?

morning said...

Milo's hair is great I think
Cheers :)