It's Official

I can't bear to watch True Blood anymore. Last night I actually let my boyfriend change the channel to a football game in disgust. When Tara started ranting about how the town still frowns upon interracial couples, I dug my claws in, held on, and hoped for a redeeming scene. What I got was Jason's unstoppable boner as a result of drinking vampire blood. And then, Sookie yelling at her boss for not supporting vampire rights.

Seriously, the phrase "vampire rights" need never have been uttered in this show and it would still be abundantly clear what the writers are alluding to. Alan Ball should have to go to some kind of special writer re-education camp where he can learn the "Show, Don't Tell" rule. Zach Braff should go too. (Garden State: "You see, Natalie Portman, I love you. You've changed my life. You've given me hope..." etc. etc. way to RUIN a perfectly okay movie, J.D)

I hate you, True Blood, I HATE you. You could have been so cool. You could have been Buffy with cursing and fucking and Cajun people. You could have helped me to continue pursuing a lifelong fascination with bloodsuckers and the women who love them, but instead, you had to suck so relentlessly. Die in a fire.

Love,
Alanna

True Blood: CLUNK!

That's the sound of Alan Ball attempting to deliver to viewers True Blood's central metaphor.

You'd think the images in the opening credits of white children in Klansmen gear and a church sign reading "God Hates Fangs" would be enough, but no: we also need at least one scene per episode of the spokeswoman for the National Vampire League advocating on television for vampire rights legislation. And we definitely need protagonist Sookie Stackhouse telling her best friend who thinks that vampires can put humans under their thrall, "Yeah right, and black people are lazy, and Jews have horns."

CLUNK! Did someone just drop a boulder on my head, or is Ball once again reminding us that vampires are not just vampires, they're also Jews, blacks, gays, disabled people, Alaskan Natives, Maoris, and [insert oppressed population that has at one time or another fought for their civil rights here]?

This parallel is condescendingly, repeatedly spelled out, and then bafflingly undermined, as in last Sunday's episode when the vampire Bill Compton tells Sookie he can, in fact, charm humans into letting him bite them.

Perhaps True Blood still hasn't quite found its legs. Ball's Six Feet Under, too, is embarrassingly heavy-handed in its earliest episodes.

But I can't help comparing this show to my gold standard for all vampiric programming, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Buffy, too, relied upon a metaphorical foundation (high school is hell) but made that truth literal through action, rather than awkward dialogue, over the course of multiple seasons. If Buffy was written by Ball, a scene from its first season might go a little something like this:

Buffy: You guys, weird things keep happening here. I found a dead lunch lady in a locker today. She had bite marks on her neck.
Xander: Wow, that's super scary! Like something out of my worst nightmares.
Willow: I would even call it "hellish."
Buffy: Well, high school is hell after all!
(They all laugh wildly. Then they stop abruptly and stare at each other with expressions of dawning horror. Then they embrace. Exeunt.)

True Blood is not without its merits: I like Brit actor Stephen Moyer as the charming/menacing vampire Bill, and the sweaty Louisiana setting is dark and romantic and unusual in disproportionately-urban TV land. I just hope Ball and his writing team stop treating the viewers like dum-dums who need it explained, again and again, what makes the show's subject matter both alluring and relevant.

HBO-a-go-go

I have a very strong like-hate relationship with Entourage, premiering its 5th season this Sunday night at 10 PM. Despite the fact that it is one of the most flawed pieces of television out there, I watch it religiously. Whenever I find myself reaching new levels of disgust at the flagrant displays of sexism, I remember how hot Adrian Grenier is. Whenever I find myself clutching my stomach at the horrendous acting skills of Jerry Ferrara and Kevin Connolly, I again remember how hot Adrian Grenier is. Jerry in particular is so bad, back when The Sopranos was still on as a showcase for Jamie-Lynn Sigler's comparably vomitrotious acting, you may recall that I toyed with pitching HBO a reality spin off called Acting School, in which the pair would learn not to suck quite so much. But it's all good, because, and argue me on this if you must, Adrian Grenier is the most perfect male, human specimen, even when he spent an entire half of last season dressed up as Pablo Escobar/Tony Clifton.



But last week, it was hard to quell the feeling of full on rage that thinking about Entourage usually instills in me. Getting of the elevated subway just blocks from Alanna's home, I was faced with the commotion of a location set. I looked yonder to see a local bar with a fake sing hung above that read Johnny Drama's. With no Adrian in sight and only the slightly off-kilter mug of Kevin Dillon to look at, it was attitude city when a full of himself PA directed me to a different set of stairs FOR NO REASON. I mean seriously, nothing was happening in the area he was keeping clear; I at least expected to see Jeremy Piven taking a shit there or something. As Alanna and I walked by and filming wrapped, Kevin Dillion yelled out, "Thank you, Queens!," and under my breath, I muttered, "For what..."


If you're looking for something to pregame with before Entourage, you might as well keep your dial on HBO all night and catch Alan Ball's newest creation True Blood, premiering at 9 PM. My love for Ball coupled with my mild vampire-on-TV fetish made me salivate with anticipation after reading this script, but when I watched the first episode, it did not translate so well to the small screen. A clever ad campaign pushing True Blood, a delicious and nutritious blood subsitute meant to prevent vampires from killing people, has created buzz, though. And because this is HBO (pay television) and nothing ever gets canceled, you can at least get invested without worrying about cancellation blue balls. Plus, there is always the intense portrayal of vampire on human sex about halfway through the episode to look forward to--if you're into that sort of thing.