Carol of the Remote Controls

I just finished finding the best adhesive for dollar-store lights to stick to pre-war brick, I am desperately trying to schedule a viewing of Home Alone (the world's greatest cinematic tour de force), and Ashley Tisdale's cover of Last Christmas is crawling into my Ipod as we speak. It is safe to say that Alanna was right when she accused me of being gay for Christmas.

I am so gay for Christmas,in fact, that my obvious commercial break channel surf location during Tuesday's episode of Gilmore Girls was ABC to catch snippets of the claymation classic Santa Claus is Comin to Town. Who can forget how a red-headed St. Nick brought joy to the children of Sombertown (who were, by the way, all dressed in gray, I SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE)? Not a lot of people, because 11 million tuned in! Similar numbers are expected for tomorrow night's airing of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman on the eye network. And, of course ABC Family is indulging us with their annual tradition, 25 Days of Christmas. (Although even I must admit that some of the programming offered by the alphabet network's cable child is lackluster, consisting of plot lines like 'A grumpy ad executive reluctant to embrace Christmas suddenly discovers his long lost birth father is Santa Claus and is taken on a magical adventure that cures his son's leukemia'.)

If you want a really crappy example of journalism and a bullshit reason as to why people like me, level headed adults, eat up the cheezefest that is holiday programming, feel free to check out Jennifer Frey's article in today's Washington Post. In it, Frey tells me I like this crap because I am nostalgic for my childhood. OH YES! I LONG FOR MY MIDDLE CHILD WOES DATING BACK TO THE LATE EIGHTIES/EARLY NINETIES! NOT! (Or as Borat would say, I do NOT long for my middle child woes.)

If you just want to know what glorious gems of holiday programming you should set your DVR for and/or advice on how to stick up for yourself when your roommates freak out as you sing every lyric to Even a Miracle Needs a Hand from Twas The Night Before Christmas (the one with that mouse family), turn to me.

Here are my top picks to trim your TV:

The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus (ABC Family, 12/9 11 AM EST, 12/12 7 PM EST) 1985-technology with clay animation tells the story of Santa Claus, heavy on Pagan, not Christian, ideals.

One Magic Christmas (Hallmark, 12/9 7 PM) I LOVE THIS MOVIE! Harry Dean Stanton plays an angel that saves struggling mom Mary Steenburgen's lower middle class Christmas!

Prancer (AMC, 12/10 8 PM, 10:15 PM) Ever wonder what I was like when I was six. THE LITTLE GIRL IN THIS ADORABLE MOVIE!