Boob Tubers Endorsement for Treasury Secretary

Suze Orman, of course! Not only to add a lesbian to the currently exclusively black-and-Jew administration, but because she's, uh, AWESOME!?!

Just think of the possibilities...

Obama: We need to establish a program that will pump funds into higher education.
Orman: Show me the money! Show me the money.
Obama: Well, we're trillions in debt, but young people can't afford coll-
Orman: You have shame and you have blame. How are you going to pay for this?
Obama: Um, I was going to go to the Education House Committee...
Orman: DENIED! Denied, denied, denied. Plant some flowers instead.
Obama: Wha...?
Biden: I have a question.
Orman: Shoot, J-man.
Biden: Can I afford $5,000 hair plugs?
Orman: SHOW ME THE MONEY!
Obama: I am a poor judge of character.

Testimonials

Here's what some of TV's biggest stars / the unwashed masses had to say about the Boob Tubers' return...

"update this blog. baby jesus would want you to." --Anonymous

"I'm Chuck Bass. And I approve this re-launch." --Chuck Bass

"Even more than the close quarters of my teenage mother's womb, this blog makes me feel safe and warm." --Bristol Palin's fetus

"what the fuck jeanette, did you go on a writers strike too?" --Arthur

"I lied. I was actually admitted to rehab for being addicted to The Boob Tubers, not sex. Can you blame me?" --David Duchovny

"There are only two things that get me churning with excitement: warm ocean waters and the Boob Tubers." --Hurricane Gustav

"OK, OK, I am gay... FOR THIS BLOG!" --Kevin Spacey

"remember when you guys would watch tv?" --Anonymous


Yes, Anonymous, we remember. And we're going to watch TV better than ever before! Check back soon for uh, actual content.

The Secret ...

Have you all heard of ...The Secret? In a nutshell, ...The Secret, made available to the public in book and DVD form, preaches that the power of positive thinking can get you anything you want in life, ANYTHING. In this day and age, that tenet alone can't sell books and DVDs, but guess who can...Oprah! Oprah is swearing by this way of life, which kind of makes you wonder what she could be positively thinking for...the ability for billion dollar bills to come straight out of her ass into her platinum toilet bowl, instead of her "working" for them?

Anyway, if you actually watch ...The Secret DVD, you will notice that it has the same production value of my VHS taped eleventh grade project on The Great Depression, except my cinematography might have been a little better. The fine presentation of ...The Secret is all thanks to the work of the folks at Prime Time Productions, whose company biography I will now share with you:

Since mid 1994 Prime Time Productions has been a significant and consistently successful supplier of programming for the Seven, Nine and Ten Networks in Australia. The company to date has had several major series, the first the light entertainment family based - The World's Greatest Commercials and the second the reality/actuality based - Great Escapes. Prime Time has also branched out into the documentary field. The first program of this nature OZ Encounters - UFO's in Australia was screened on the Seven Network in November 1997. Learners a reality based docu-soap, fly-on-the-wall series aired on the Seven Network in 1999. Australia Behaving Badly, a candid camera style ethical dilemma series was made for the Ten Network. Romantic reality series Marry Me and the sequel Loves Me Loves Me Not were created for the Nine Network. Sensing Murder, a tele movie dedicated to solving unsolved murders in Australia screened initially on the Seven Network as a pilot episode, and on the Ten Network as a six part series of tele movies. Prime Time's latest production for the Nine Network is The Secret, an unprecedented worldwide event.

OH OH to be a fly on the wall during the meeting of the minds that led to the hiring of Prime Time Productions. In fact, that is EXACTLY what I want out of life. Let me positively think myself back in time and into the body of a fly...

Bzzzz....

Secret Guru 1: It is time...

Secret Guru 2: Time for what?

SG1: Why, to share our secret with the world!

SG2: YES! YES! It is getting lonely being the only ones who understand true happiness. Just yesterday, I positively thought for my love slave/100% accurate biological clone of Carmen Elektra to have crabs, just so I could know what it feels like to be normal again...

SG1: Precisely. I thought maybe I would just put a few shots of us being really, really happy up on youtube myself, but our secret would NEVER reach everyone that way. We can't compete with that cute little Asian girl singing. She's just TOO CUTE.

SG2: Come on, just yesterday we positively thought ourselves on top of a HUGE pile of Scrooge McDuck gold coins. We can get through this...

SG1: You're right...right now I'm...thinking...hard...that Spielberg will call...that Eastwood will e-mail...that Scorcese will ring the doorbell with a box of cannolis and an open heart...

SG2: And I am...postiviely...thinking...that we can book Prime Time Productions for the gig...

SG1:Wait! THE Prime Time Productions?! The ones behind World's Greatest Commercials!? Like they would even consider working with us!

SG2: Well I think the tone they captured in Oz Encounters- UFOs in Australia is really what we're going for here.

SG1: I'm sold! Let's get our thinking caps on!

And now, your moment of zen. And by zen I mean bullshit. Confirm or deny: this clip features Wilmer Valderama and a Genie!?!WTF?!

24 Mad Libs

Hello readers! I've developed an interactive game around a sample of dialogue from the thrilling premiere of the sixth season of 24.* Surely you all remember Mad Libs, the wacky word game your parents threw at you when you were annoying them on long car rides. Well, I've discovered that this childhood activity perfectly aligns with 24's dialogue. See below for the word blanks, and some suggestions from me on how to fill them in!


SCENE: Jack is in pursuit of a terrorist who is driving on a freeway with a nuclear weapon in his trunk. Accompanying him on this mission is a former bad guy looking to atone. Jack is on his cell, Blackberry, GPS, walkie-talkie, and carrier pigeon with the folks back at CTU.

JACK: Chloe!

CHLOE: Hello, lover.

JACK: THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT! I'm pursuing a (terrorist group) agent and I need your help.

CHLOE: OK, I'm setting up the (tracking device) now. How did you find him?

JACK: I'm working with (foreign name).

CHLOE: You're working with (foreign name)?!? But he's a known (unsavory career title)!

JACK: Well, he's trying to make amends.

CHLOE: But he's killed hundreds of people!

JACK: Chloe, you have to trust me on this one. If you don't, (dire situation) could happen!

CHLOE: OK lov- I mean Jack. I trust you.


SUGGESTIONS:
(terrorist group)
a) Al-Qaeda
b) ETA
c) Chechen Rebels
d) Williamsburg residents

(tracking device)
a) satellite navigation
b) beeping thing
c) TomTom
d) locator spell

(foreign name)
a) Hassad
b) Ammad
c) Riyad
d) Joe

(unsavory career title)
a) assassin
b) adult film star
c) back-up singer
d) editorial assistant

(dire situation)
a) nuclear war
b) the Apocalypse
c) global warming
d) a Kiss reunion tour

Post your 24 Mad Libs in the comments!


*with thanks to Idolator's Hold Steady Mad Libs

House 12/13/06: Aww, Greggy-poo

Last night's House was perhaps was the most miserable Christmas episode that I have ever seen. Between the detoxing, and the stealing Oxy from a dead guy, and the betrayals and the ultimatums and the sniping, and the really hot dwarf (wait, what?), Bad Hat Harry Productions has left us with almost nothing but negativity to carry us through the dark House-less days until January 9th.

Almost nothing. Because last night's episode provided Jeanette and I with one amazing revelation.

Gregory House has metamorphosed into a teenage girl.

Sure, House was cutting himself because it helped to "release endorphins" that temporarily "relieved his agonizing leg pain" and the "discomfort of detoxing from Vicodin." But any graduate of a suburban high school knows what sort of people really cut themselves, and why:

Angsty adolescent females who want everyone to see the pain they feel inside. The kind of horrible, horrible pain that comes from parents who give you your grandfather's old Buick for your 16th birthday instead of the Audi that your friend Julie got. The intolerable ouchies of a rejection letter from Brown University, which is where you were meant to go, because you worked your upper-middle-class butt off for this and your consolation prize is a SUNY, and SUNY schools are for poor losers!

Ahem. To confirm our suspicions, we received a leak of the teleplay for the next new House. Here's a teaser, exclusive to Boob Tubers readers.

EXT. PRINCETON-PLAINSBORO TEACHING HOSPITAL - ESTABLISHING

INT. HOUSE'S OFFICE - DAY

CAMERON
House, our patient is presenting with symptoms of liver failure. Yellow eyes, dark urine, and a strange attraction to old, curmudgeonly men. Oh wait. That last one is a symptom of my personal failure as a human being.

FOREMAN
It's clearly Seacrest's Disease.

CHASE
It's not Seacrest's, I already told you. Seacrest's involves the erratic growth of facial hair in men of short stature.
(beat)
House, what do you think?

HOUSE
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME!

CAMERON
What are you talking about?

HOUSE
You guys act like you know so much, but you really don't. Like, do you know how I lost my virginity?

FOREMAN
I don't see how this is relevant to our patient--

CAMERON
I want to know.

HOUSE
It was at the cast party for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. To Ben Kellner, who played Joseph. All the other girls in the chorus were SO JEALOUS.

CHASE
Uh, why don't we get back to the differential diagnosis.

HOUSE
But I'm so tired. Coach Sweeney made me do twenty laps this morning because I had three latenesses to gym class.

Cuddy enters, dressed very unprofessionally.

CUDDY
How are we doing with the patient?

HOUSE
Ugh, I hate you. I am so fat compared to you.

CUDDY
Well, I don't have a bum leg. I can work out every day.

HOUSE
Oh my God, I can't believe you just said that to me. You're such a bitch.
(begins weeping)
I'm a freak!
(reaches for conveniently located scalpel)

SPIKE
Oh, House. It's time you learned...
Life's not a song
Life isn't bliss
Life is just this
It's living...

Dos and Don'ts

Lately, when I think about the show Heroes, I don't think about the schlocky dialogue. I don't think about how Niki got seriously gypped with her "super power," or how in real life, Nathan Petrelli is married to Natalie Maines of The Dixie Chicks, a band that actually titled a song "Lubbock or Leave It." Get it? It's not a bad song actually, but that's gotta be the worst title since The Constant Gardener. Sample lines from that film, at least in my mind:

"Always gardening, you are! By Jove, Manifred, when will you stop the constant gardening?"
"Never, dear Winthrop. My green thumb is eternal. For I am... the Constant Gardener."

No, I think about how Milo Ventimiglia has the stupidest hair on television. The proof is in the arbirtrary asymmetry:



The long-in-the-front, short-in-the-back 'do went out of fashion back in '99, when this chick from my high school, Stephanie, got props for being the "most creative" just because her hair hung in her fucking eyes all the time. Meanwhile, while Stephanie was artfully walking into things because she couldn't see through her HAIR, who was at home writing stories about girls who thought they were metamorphosing into dogs? ME. I SHOULD HAVE WON "MOST CREATIVE" IN THE SENIOR SUPERLATIVES SECTION OF THE YEARBOOK, DAMMIT.

So that's why I hate Milo Ventimiglia's hair. Otherwise, he's pretty cute, in a Guido sort of way. Wait. I take back the "Guido" thing. I don't want all of Bensonhurst crashing this blog and threatening my life. Well, I sort of do.

Other retarded hair cuts:

Flattop-era Will Smith


Keri Russell, whose Season 2 cropped hair was such a blow that it actually made ratings on Felicity go down. Also her ass looks big here.


David Boreanaz, now and forever. ("Angel's lame. His hair goes straight up and he's bloody stupid.")