American TV Characters Outsourced to Great Britain

In the Times today, Bill Carter writes about how British people are better than us at everything, including acting for television. Firstly, I must retort that we Yanks are superior in three areas: cuisine, dental hygiene, and having emotions.

Carter discusses the coming influx of limeys into American programming, citing two actors from my current telegenic obsession, Rome. Ray Stevenson and Kevin McKidd will both be playing Americans on the proposed shows "Babylon Fields" and "Journeyman," respectively. Considering that the titles sound like SciFi Channel rejects, I'm thinking these blokes shouldn't buy property in Los Angeles quite yet. Their fellow former cast member, James Purefoy, whose Antony is way more fun than Charlton Heston's Antony, also will appear on a new program called "Manchild," which is a remake of a BBC series.

The article goes on to address other Britons invading the small screen, but I don't care about them because they don't look hot in ancient Roman man-skirts. I was led to question, though, if Brits really are better thespians than Americans. Considering the ratio of Us to Them, Them seems to have a much greater proportion of talent whenever awards season rolls around.

However, one anonymous TV exec claims Brits are being cast more frequently not because of their abilities, but because of their low hourly rates:

The executive said it is increasingly difficult to get an American actor in a lead role for less than $100,000 an episode. British actors work for considerably less, the executive said, though the figures vary.

In other words, their accents may sound high falutin', but they'll essentially become low-rent streetwalkers for a guest spot on 24. Ha! Take that, imperialists!

The article concludes, happily, with a mention of The Boob Tubers' favorite English TV whore:

So why are so many British actors so interested so suddenly in American television? Mainly it can be traced back to the most significant factor of all. “Hugh Laurie opened the door,” Ms. Buck said.

House 3/27/07: Don't Kiss Riley Finn Anytime Soon

I just... I can't ever forgive myself for forgetting to blog about this subject last Tuesday. Please consider this my penance, intended to hold you over until a new House airs at nine tomorrow.

Last week's episode would have been unextraordinary - that is, a standard-issue House, plus the bonus insinuation of a one-night stand between House and Cuddy - if it weren't for guest star Marc Blucas.

Blucas is known amongst Buffy obsessives as Riley Finn, Buffy's fourth and fifth season boyfriend, AKA the poor schmuck sandwiched between Buffy's two far more delicious vampire BFs. Think of Riley as some old liverwurst, and Angel and Spike as the homemade ciabatta slices that overpower the cold cut smushed between them. Riley started out sort of sympathetic - he was just an all-American boy who had no idea what he was getting into. But by the end of his run he was an intolerable meathead whose ego couldn't withstand a girlfriend with more brawn than he.



In fact, back in college my friend Lindsey and I used to scream at the television, "BLUCAS, YOU SUCK!" every time Riley appeared on screen. The refrain sounds obvious enough, but we came upon it browsing the Buffy forums on Television Without Pity. (Yes, it's been established that I include myself in the Buffy obsessives.) One poster was an alumnus of Wake Forest, a school for which Marc Blucas played basketball. And apparently, he sucked. Hard. So when this poster went to games, he would scream at him, "BLUCAS, YOU SUCK!" And continued to do so years later when Blucas appeared on Buffy as the character Spike once accurately nicknamed Captain Cardboard.

ANYWAY. I was glad to see Riley Finn go, but I'm always interested in seeing what Buffy veterans are up to these days. (Prognosis: not so good. Slayer. The voice of April in TMNT? Really?) So when Marc "BLUCAS, YOU SUCK!" Blucas appeared as Patient of the Week on last week's House, I was delighted. I was even more delighted when it turned out that his character had a genetic disease whose symptoms included, among other things, bacterial vaginosis in his mouth. Vagina Mouth. That seems like a generous ending for Riley Finn, no?

Oprah's Next Book Club Selection: Cormac McCarthy's "The Road"

Finally, it's my turn to write an Oprah-related post!

Yesterday, the Queen of All Media announced that the new selection for her uneven book club is "The Road," by Cormac McCarthy. I'm quite a fan of McCarthy, whom I picture as a steel-toed boot-wearing, tobacco-chewing, shady past-having good old boy who sees the world through death-colored glasses. His "Blood Meridian" was called one of the best novels of the past 25 years by the New York Times. This is true. It's also true that the book features babies hanging from trees.

"The Road," which I've not yet read, is typically bleak and beautifully-written according to all the reviews. It's a tale of a father and son trying to survive in a post-apocalyptic America. I seriously doubt that it has an uplifting ending.


I'm a little perturbed that a McCarthy book will have an Oprah seal of approval stamped on the covers of its next edition. This really dilutes his subversiveness, his badass-ness. It will be hard to fancy oneself an outlaw creating catastrophic violence along the U.S.-Mexico border when Oprah is encouraging stay-at-home moms across the nation to read the same books I do. But I suppose I should cast off this intellectual elitism and be glad people are reading literary fiction at all. After all, I wouldn't turn down the stratospheric book sales that come along with Oprah's endorsement.

One thing's for certain: Oprah's interview with McCarthy is going to be some delightfully uncomfortable television. The guy's old school, a recluse, and certainly won't take kindly to being asked any questions about his personal life. Set your DVRs, kids: this could be more squirm-inducing than Oprah's on-air chastising of James Frey.

Go See John Fugelsang's All the Wrong Reasons

Last Saturday, I saw John Fugelsang's one man show All the Wrong Reasons: A True Story of Neo-Nazis, Drug Smuggling, and Undying Love . You may remember John from such past gigs as co-host of America's Funniest Home Videos along with the illustrious Daisy Fuentes, and also co-host of The TV Guide Network's TV Watercooler along with the illustrious Debra Wilson. Ten fake dollars to the one who lets me know in which case I misused the word illustrious.

Anywhoo, sitting in the theatre Saturday night, it really smelled like DEAR JESUS LET THIS SHOW BE MY TICKET OUT OF EVER HAVING TO PROVIDE HIGH PITCHED VOICES FOR DOGS AS THEY ACCIDENTALLY RUN INTO GLASS DOORS. So since I enjoyed the show, and since John shared with us that he has a rather small marketing budget, I figured maybe any of the .5 people that read this might be interested in going.

Getchyo tickets here!

WWHBOD? Answered!

The NY Times, obviously staying abreast of our concerns here at the trend-making Boob Tubers, ran an article today about HBO's plans for keeping subscribers around after The Sopranos finale airs.

Chief Exec Chris Albrecht, also known as the Scourge of Deadwood, seems in deep denial highly optimistic about the cable channel's prospects.

So says the article,

Mr. Albrecht said HBO was promising its customers the channel would deliver “the goods,” which he defined as “something you can’t get anywhere else.”


If by "goods" he means "bizarre foreign knock-offs" and "surf noir," then yeah, I suppose you won't find those anywhere else. Chris & Co. will be satisfying their viewers' need for shows about "the zen of surfing," "quantum physics," "a singing duo from New Zealand" and "Lily Tomlin." Speaking of Lily Tomlin, I imagine she could use the support right now.

As dubious as all this sounds, I'm going to hang in there with HBO. Considering I not only tolerate, but enjoy repeat episodes of Degrassi: The Next Generation, I think I can tough it out even if "the goods" backfire.

Jeopardy Three Way

Now there are three words I'll bet you NEVER thought you would see in one sentence/thought/anything...but it happened in the episdoe that aired last Friday, 3/16 when all three contestants ended the game with $16,000. The previous day's champion, Scott Weiss, did go into the bonus round with, like a $5,000 dollar lead, though, so I'll bet he was on top.

Also, I love Jeopardy so much.

Boob Tubers Mob-A-Thon, April 8, 2007

We woke up this morning and got ourselves....AN IDEA. This doesn't happen often. In fact, it happens even less frequently than comments on this blog from people we don't know. Which is why we've decided to reach out to our fellow, more successful entertainment bloggers with our very first BLOG-A-THON!

We at the Boob Tubers are quaking with excitement over the upcoming return of HBO's great ethnic white hope, The Sopranos. This is a show that built a network and changed television forever. And by changed television we mean introduced more cursing, boobies, overly long dream sequences, and scenes of fat men eating manicotti than any other program before. So in honor of this revolutionary series' final nine episodes, we present to you... THE BOOB TUBERS MOB-A-THON!

On April 8th, the date that the final Sopranos season premieres, we want you to write about telegenic and filmic interpretations of organized crime. From The Godfather to The Departed, from The Sopranos to The Black Donnellys, give us your thoughts on Mafiasploitation. Don't limit yourself to the traditional Italian Mafia - we also enjoy Russians, Chinese, and Jewish mobs. Because they're so cute!

RULES:
Email boobtubers@gmail.com with your intentions.
Post your Mob-A-Thon entry by 9:00 PM, EST, on Sunday, April 8th.
We will post a list of all participating blogs as entries are published on the 8th.
Please don't break our kneecaps.

This message has been brought to you by kropserkel.com, the only known manufacturers of the bloody horse head pillow.

TV Gets Gypped, WWHBOD?

Howdy howdy howdy! It's been a while, as I've been wandering the countryside much in the style of a Gypsy. Which is such a coincidence, because the first half of my post today is about Gypsies, or rather, the recent spike in Gypsy representation on television.

Full disclosure: I have some Gypsy in me. My great-great grandmother was all about Bohemia back when it was an actual place rather than something from a Rent song.

OK, OK, time to make a disclaimer before the Gypsy population of West Bushwick or wherever decides to flood this blog with complaints. (Edited to add disclaimer: Nothing in this blog is serious, except for the fact that shows about Gypsies exist. Oh, also the paragraph about mythologizing.) It's just weird because I've noticed a lot more Gypsies on TV than there used to be. Oh, and they prefer to be called Roma (because they roam-a around a lot! hahahaha!)

First was on House, in which a young Gypsy boy falls mysteriously, yet predictably ill, and his relatives stupidly, yet predictably fight House on his treatment. The boy's family are funkily dressed, vaguely ethnic weirdos who seem to have missed the boat on modern medicine despite living in suburban New Jersey. The father chews on toothpicks like a shady used car salesman and they all hate the boy's honky girlfriend. In fact, they refer to all honkies by a word I forgot - let's say it's Groosalug - that probably means "The Less Swarthy Ones Who Shall Not Be Named."

Now, on FX's new series The Riches, Eddie Izzard plays the patriarch of a Gypsy family that moves into some dead people's mansion and pretends its theirs. First of all, who knew there were so many Gypsies in the United States? I thought they were all flirting with Juliette Binoche in quaint French towns. Second, wouldn't a sweet manse like that go on the market right away, outting the squatters before they could say "American Dream"? Third, are Gypsies the new Little People? That is, a widely mythologized and misunderstood group of people for us normals to become fascinated with? If so, feel free to feature me in your new series, "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves," FOX Reality!




Another question on my mind lately is WWHBOD, that is, What Will HBO Do? In just a few months everyone's favorite curse-words-and-graphic-sex channel will be out of decent programs. They've axed Deadwood, Rome will end once Octavian becomes Emperor in two weeks, and The Sopranos - which has nose dived in quality anyway - will air its final nine episodes in May. After that, HBO doesn't have a leg to stand on, unless you consider Entourage a leg. (Which I don't. It's a trifle.) Deadwood's David Milch is currently developing a series called John from Cincinatti, which he describes as a "surf noir," and I describe as a "How? What? How?" I don't know, guys. Will the ol' Home Box Office get overpowered by Showtime or HBO Lite, as I like to call FX?

The Secret ...

Have you all heard of ...The Secret? In a nutshell, ...The Secret, made available to the public in book and DVD form, preaches that the power of positive thinking can get you anything you want in life, ANYTHING. In this day and age, that tenet alone can't sell books and DVDs, but guess who can...Oprah! Oprah is swearing by this way of life, which kind of makes you wonder what she could be positively thinking for...the ability for billion dollar bills to come straight out of her ass into her platinum toilet bowl, instead of her "working" for them?

Anyway, if you actually watch ...The Secret DVD, you will notice that it has the same production value of my VHS taped eleventh grade project on The Great Depression, except my cinematography might have been a little better. The fine presentation of ...The Secret is all thanks to the work of the folks at Prime Time Productions, whose company biography I will now share with you:

Since mid 1994 Prime Time Productions has been a significant and consistently successful supplier of programming for the Seven, Nine and Ten Networks in Australia. The company to date has had several major series, the first the light entertainment family based - The World's Greatest Commercials and the second the reality/actuality based - Great Escapes. Prime Time has also branched out into the documentary field. The first program of this nature OZ Encounters - UFO's in Australia was screened on the Seven Network in November 1997. Learners a reality based docu-soap, fly-on-the-wall series aired on the Seven Network in 1999. Australia Behaving Badly, a candid camera style ethical dilemma series was made for the Ten Network. Romantic reality series Marry Me and the sequel Loves Me Loves Me Not were created for the Nine Network. Sensing Murder, a tele movie dedicated to solving unsolved murders in Australia screened initially on the Seven Network as a pilot episode, and on the Ten Network as a six part series of tele movies. Prime Time's latest production for the Nine Network is The Secret, an unprecedented worldwide event.

OH OH to be a fly on the wall during the meeting of the minds that led to the hiring of Prime Time Productions. In fact, that is EXACTLY what I want out of life. Let me positively think myself back in time and into the body of a fly...

Bzzzz....

Secret Guru 1: It is time...

Secret Guru 2: Time for what?

SG1: Why, to share our secret with the world!

SG2: YES! YES! It is getting lonely being the only ones who understand true happiness. Just yesterday, I positively thought for my love slave/100% accurate biological clone of Carmen Elektra to have crabs, just so I could know what it feels like to be normal again...

SG1: Precisely. I thought maybe I would just put a few shots of us being really, really happy up on youtube myself, but our secret would NEVER reach everyone that way. We can't compete with that cute little Asian girl singing. She's just TOO CUTE.

SG2: Come on, just yesterday we positively thought ourselves on top of a HUGE pile of Scrooge McDuck gold coins. We can get through this...

SG1: You're right...right now I'm...thinking...hard...that Spielberg will call...that Eastwood will e-mail...that Scorcese will ring the doorbell with a box of cannolis and an open heart...

SG2: And I am...postiviely...thinking...that we can book Prime Time Productions for the gig...

SG1:Wait! THE Prime Time Productions?! The ones behind World's Greatest Commercials!? Like they would even consider working with us!

SG2: Well I think the tone they captured in Oz Encounters- UFOs in Australia is really what we're going for here.

SG1: I'm sold! Let's get our thinking caps on!

And now, your moment of zen. And by zen I mean bullshit. Confirm or deny: this clip features Wilmer Valderama and a Genie!?!WTF?!

The Today Show, Awareness Tubers, and Vagina, 3/9/07

Don't know if you've heard about this story, but earlier this week three juniors at John Jay High school in Cross River, New York were suspended for saying 'vagina' during an open mic night. The girls were performing a piece from Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues, and had been told ahead of time by the school's principal to take the line about their boxes out.

As a result the girl's were suspended, and appeared this morning on The Today Show with some sort of school official and Eve Ensler herself. Their suspension is under consideration by the superintendent, especially in light of the fact that there were students using actual "curse words," if you will, and faced no punishment.

I'm going to go ahead and say that these girls shouldn't be suspended; they should be expelled. Not because Vagina is an inappropriate word. I totally went into my take back the night, college mode re: this issue and agree with Ensler's assessment that we shouldn't be forced to be ashamed of our bearded clams by an opressive male hegemony.

I think these girls should get the boot because they are...horrible, HORRIBLE actresses/public speakers. Today, sitting across from Meredith on the couch, their big break came. They were asked to deliver the controversial line. In unison, they sounded like my second grade Catholic school class reciting times tables. They could have gotten a walk on role on The Hills out of this if they managed to muster up some sort of talent. Now all they'll get is Smith's dream of what a college entrance essay should be.

I hope this helps others see exactly twat the real issue here is.

The Big O, 3/6/07

You may accuse me of myself being gay for Oprah, as this will be my second consecutive blog about her, but I just have to get this off of my 36D chest.


Oprah is a homophobe with a capital phobe.


I am currently watching today's installment of daytime syndication's gem, and home girl hates the gays! Her guests are men and women who realized they were gay after already being in heterosexual marriages. She just asked a lesbian woman if she could tell who else is gay. And earlier, she was talking to a woman who was bi-sexual before coming out as a lesbian. Oprah then shared that her very gay hairdresser claims the only way he could have sex with a woman is if the face of a man were attached to the headboard. I think she could have just saved us all the second of our lives it took to listen to that sentence by instead spitting on the woman's face.


Seriously, Opes, I hope that the leadership academy is don't ask, don't tell...

Thou Shalt Not Have False Idols

I hate American Idol. It's glorified karaoke. It's an overbloated juggernaut that crushes everything in its path. It pre-empts House and sends Lost scampering for a later time slot like a little bitch. It produces mediocre pop stars who don't write or compose any of their own material. It has, directly or indirectly, produced such inane phrases as "Soul Patrol" and songs like "Jesus, Take the Wheel." It prolongs the slow, painful deaths of the careers of inebriated wash-ups like Paula Abdul.

This article predicts that Lost will die after its fourth season, and the swan dive of its ratings are due in no small part to Idol. Lost ain't what it used to be, but it's still better than watching a limey make fun of autistic people who think they can sing.

To illustrate my hatred, I am going to give Sawyer-like nicknames to current Idol contestants:

Antonella Barba: Meadow Soprano
Sundance Head: The Other Farley Brother

I don't have any others because I don't watch the show and I don't know who the contestants are. But I hate them.

Jeanette's Case of the Mondays, 2/26/07

Yo, honestly, being sick at work is a VIRTUAL INSANITY (to steal the phrase from my favorite Idol conestant, Blake Lewis, currently doing an excellent cover). That is why now that it is after hours, with me functioning on LA time and everyone else in this building home, snuggling, I am in PAJAMA PANTS! (To be said in the same fashion as Tyra Banks screaming PANTY PARTY loud enough that it can be heard over the sound of voices in her head.)

One more American Idol thought for the night...Doesn't Simon remind you of that kid in your second grade class that, for some reason, thought he ran the show, even though the best comeback he ever had was something like, "A DUH?"

Now on to Heroes, or as Alanna and I call it, Multi-tasking-oes, since we have determined that the show deserves about 70% of our actual attention, leaving plenty of time to surf the net (Alanna) or trim toenails (me).

Last night, getting a good, long look at Matthew John Armstrong playing Ted Sprague aka Radioactive Man, it was easier to almost confirm the rumors; Armstrong is one of the notorious Geico cavemen. Question is, will Tim Kring allow him to self explode in time to reprise the role in the ABC pilot to be based on the ad campaign? Here's hoping, because that sounds like RATINGS GOLD!

After Heroes, it was time for a daily dose of "I'm better than everyone, even Nelson Mandella" as we tuned in for Oprahs Building a Dream: The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy. I have recently grown disheartened with the old gal, particularly because of her somewhat, holier than thou attitude during her road trip across America. This wasn't really remedied as I watched her walk across a stage in front of several hundred needy girls wearing RIDICULOUSLY ORNATE AND TALL ESPADRILLES. Nor was I won over in the way that Oprah has managed to recently be down on American students in the press when justifying her school's location in South Africa. Nor did it help when Oprah brought us back to the sight of her childhood home, where her grandmother attempted to teach her how to do laundry to prepare for the future, to which Oprah informed her grandmother that she'd never have to do that for herself. I mean, sure I was tearing up at the tales of young girls living in shacks in South Africa plagued with poverty and violence, but that dindn't stop me from picturing like...a target on the back of Oprah's stylish yet casual velour sweatsuit.

NOW IT IS TIME TO NOT WATCH ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER!

Oops... you know the rest

Because Britney Spears' recent history seems like something out of a cheesy TV movie, I got to thinking who would play who in an actual TV movie about her life. Truthfully, I have sympathy for the girl: she's clearly in the midst of a mental breakdown, which is no surprise considering the way she's hounded. At the same time, no one held a gun to her head and made her writhe around on stage wearing little more than a snake and setting women's lib back fifty years. She wanted the fame, and she got it.

So I have no qualms casting a terrible Lifetime biopic about her, using out to pasture TV actors. Without further ado, the cast from Snakes on a Dame: The Britney Spears Story.

Britney's mama: Cynthia Ettinger. Cynthia was last seen playing an amoral carnie stripper on Carnivale, and a buxom drama queen obsessed with Brian Cox(!) on Deadwood. She's voluptuous, bottle-blond, and has proven adept at playing wayyyy over-the-top women who want to pretend they're not middle-aged. She'd be perfect for the ultimate trashy stage mom.

Jason Alexander: The actual Jason Alexander, of course, should play Britney's childhood friend and first husband, just because I thought that's who she married when I first heard the news, and the mental image was hilarious!

Kevin Federline: David Faustino. He's certainly established his sleaziness, and I think his own aborted career is a nice parallel to K-Fed's (Faustino's latest movie: something called RoboDoc.)

Paris Hilton: Britney's former BFF would be marvelous as interpreted by Ripsi, the girl who was too bad for reality show The Bad Girls Club. If you get Oxygen, check out the episode where Ripsi gets wasted and attacks like, everyone. Trust me, it's so much funnier than it sounds.

The lady herself: I'd cast Clare Kramer as Brit. There's not much of a resemblance, but any Buffy fan remembers the havoc Clare wrought during the show's fifth season with her terrible, terrible performance. Britney and Clare are both bad at playing crazy (even if Britney is legitimately insane), and Clare could do justice to Britney's ridiculous, melodramatic life.

OK commenters. Who would you cast? I still need a Jamie-Lynn, here.

Anna Nicole Smith Still Dead

So it's only been about three hours since we lost her, but already the academic observation has been made numerous times that Anna Nicole is the Marilyn Monroe of our generation. I want to do my part and take a load off of Elton John as he prepares for the tribute he is to perform at the state funeral, so you heard it here first: Anna Nicole's very own alternate lyrics to CANDLE IN THE WIND...

Goodbye Anna Nicole
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to wear hot pink spandex
Even when you were the size of a mall
You wrote the book on golddigging
And the encyclopedia on train wreck TV
You were pretty much the only billionaire
That nobody else wanted to be

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a fart lit on fire
Never knowing where to draw the line
With the rat faced lawyer you hired
And I would have liked to tell you
If only Britney had made sure you'd known
That farts fueled by taco bell
Burn longer than with methadone

ANNA NICOLE SMITH - DEAD

Former Playmate / Trim Spa Spokeswoman / Train Wreck Anna Nicole Smith has died after collapsing in her hotel room, report various scavenging media outlets.

What's more, news of this is already up on Wikipedia. Moments ago the article included a statement that Smith's boyfriend / possible baby-daddy Howard Stern had murdered her, but that appears to have been taken down.

Gawker, with its infinite resources as a blogging juggernaut, has a record of the graffiti'ed Wiki article.

Potential zingers over this news item abound, but let's take a moment to remember what awesome television The Anna Nicole Show was. That show was like a weekly dose of pure, uncut Schadenfreude.

Does anyone ever feel like the world is so weird that we must live on some alternate version of Earth, rather than actual Earth?

Time Warner Blows, which has nothing to do with the blupdate below.

Sorry it's been so long guys. I was kidnapped by Cisco Adler's ball's a few weeks ago, and believe you/me, it was not pretty. Good news is after a few rounds with those punching bags, my typing fingers are in excellent form.

First off, I know I am like, a week tardy with this comment, but last Thursday's episode of Thirty Rock single handedly revived the half hour comedy. I LOLed, as the kids are saying, each of the three times I watched it. At the very least, please go here and make your way to the two minute recap of 2/1's episode. AAAAHHHHHHHH! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! It feels so good to laugh.

Continuing with the peacock flow, let it be known that I love my paychecks. However, Starting next month, Studio 60... will give up it's Monday, post Heroes time slot to The Black Donnellys while 30 Rock will go on a vacay for Andy Barker: PI. Okay, okay fine let's try to build audiences for these fledgling shows (the former of which is actually quite good) but I'll miss my Monday fix of Sorkin walk n' talks and my Thursday thrills with Kenneth, the baby faced page.

Moving on to the topic that is inevitable these days for anyone except the Amish and kidnapped people being kept in confined quarters (Not Sean Hornebeck kidnapped. I hear he got to play video games all day. LUCKY!)...American Idol.

The other day I got in an elevator on my way home and saw a former co worker. We both marveled at how lucky we were to be leaving at a reasonable hour. We quipped as to what we could do with our spare time.

Former Co-Worker: We can watch American Idol now.
Me: YEAH!...I mean, wait. Were we joking? Because I will now actually go home and watch American Idol...
FCW: Oh no, I wasn't joking.
Me: FEW!

Point is, Idol fans, or Idolators if you will (HAHA), don't be ashamed. Sure, especially at this point in the season, the episodes have about as much point as 1 week of rehab for calling a co-star a faggot*. Sure, we're idiots for thinking that every moment down to each of Paula's weird, fingers-spread-apart palm claps isn't staged. But don't let other's tell you you're inferior for liking this crap. Instead, tell them to focus their energy on Alanna and telling her that she is inferior for liking Lost, which makes its triumphant return tonight.

Join me next time, when I give you my super, duper, Fall 2008 Preview.

*That's about as much coverage as you'll find here for America's favorite skinny lady/homophobic estrogen fest.

Puppies!!

You may have noticed by now that none of the Boob Tubers are sports fans. We heard that there is some kind of big game going on today, or something, and we'd like to offer a warmer, fuzzier alternative to watching big men slam into each other in an orgiastic display of brawn.

Tune in to Animal Planet, stat, for the annual Puppy Bowl! It has already begun, but you can get your fill of frolicking critters and butt sniffing all afternoon. Because animals love you unconditionally, but football players only call you sexist names.

Sunday / Monday night lights

Wowee wow wow, as Borat would say, it's like the execs at Fox are reading this blog! This is why I'd like to use this space to thank Rupert Murdoch for casting Paul McCrane as Jack's brother on 24. Rupes must know from a previous entry that I love the formerly red Afro'ed PMC from his work on ER, and he thusly cast him as Jack's evil twin. Never mind that they resemble each other in the way that I resemble Dennis Rodman. I trust that PMC will add some much-needed snark to an otherwise humorless show, full of nuclear expolosions in LA (who needed that place, anyway?) and Jack crying!?!

Moving over to the ol' Home Box Office, I've been enjoying this second and final season of Rome muchly. The first two episodes have blown all of the last season out of the water in terms of quality and entertainment value. With Caesar murdered, everyone is going batshit crazy. A kind of proto-Mafia is warring in the city (one captain is killed by being put in a bag full of SNAKES and then drowned.) Mark Antony is trying to keep the young, effete, but highly intelligent Octavian from his inheritance as Caesar's adopted son, and Cleopatra is swooping in majestically with lots of eyeliner on to make Mark Antony's f*ckbuddy, Atia, go insane with jealousy. Best line from Atia to Cleo? "Die screaming, you pig-spawned trollop." I'm waiting for the opportunity to use that turn of phrase myself.

Rome is no Deadwood, but it's appealing in many ways, one of which being that I can actually understand all the political machinations taking place. Thank God for HBO teaching me about such varied historical periods as ancient Rome and the Old West, because I certainly napped through every high school history class I ever took. And when learning about the troubled years before the formation of the Triumvirate involves seeing Mark Antony's c*ck repeatedly, count me in. Because he's hot, in an aging British guy sort of way.

24 Mad Libs

Hello readers! I've developed an interactive game around a sample of dialogue from the thrilling premiere of the sixth season of 24.* Surely you all remember Mad Libs, the wacky word game your parents threw at you when you were annoying them on long car rides. Well, I've discovered that this childhood activity perfectly aligns with 24's dialogue. See below for the word blanks, and some suggestions from me on how to fill them in!


SCENE: Jack is in pursuit of a terrorist who is driving on a freeway with a nuclear weapon in his trunk. Accompanying him on this mission is a former bad guy looking to atone. Jack is on his cell, Blackberry, GPS, walkie-talkie, and carrier pigeon with the folks back at CTU.

JACK: Chloe!

CHLOE: Hello, lover.

JACK: THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT! I'm pursuing a (terrorist group) agent and I need your help.

CHLOE: OK, I'm setting up the (tracking device) now. How did you find him?

JACK: I'm working with (foreign name).

CHLOE: You're working with (foreign name)?!? But he's a known (unsavory career title)!

JACK: Well, he's trying to make amends.

CHLOE: But he's killed hundreds of people!

JACK: Chloe, you have to trust me on this one. If you don't, (dire situation) could happen!

CHLOE: OK lov- I mean Jack. I trust you.


SUGGESTIONS:
(terrorist group)
a) Al-Qaeda
b) ETA
c) Chechen Rebels
d) Williamsburg residents

(tracking device)
a) satellite navigation
b) beeping thing
c) TomTom
d) locator spell

(foreign name)
a) Hassad
b) Ammad
c) Riyad
d) Joe

(unsavory career title)
a) assassin
b) adult film star
c) back-up singer
d) editorial assistant

(dire situation)
a) nuclear war
b) the Apocalypse
c) global warming
d) a Kiss reunion tour

Post your 24 Mad Libs in the comments!


*with thanks to Idolator's Hold Steady Mad Libs

Jeanette's Rootin' Tootin' Roundup- Week of 1/8/07

Bindi Irwin was on Ellen Today. Usually, seeing children/the thought of having offspring of my own causes my loins to shift in agitation and speak to me in a voice similar to Audrey 2's, saying, "NOOO JEANETTE! WE WANT NONE OF THAT!" But that Bindi is so cute. She apologized to Ellen for potentially eating too many SlimJims in the green room, AND she came out carrying a lizard. AWWW. No one rocks the straight across the forehead bangs as well as brave, little Bindi.

In 1961, John Howard Griffin published Black Like Me, his account of his travels through southern, segregated states disguised as an African American man. Needless to say, it wasn't pretty. On January 8th, 2007, Lifetime aired their original movie To Be Fat Like Me, Kaley Cuoco's account of her experience taking summer school in a neighboring high school disguised as a fat chick. Now, I'm far from skin and bones (but, for the record, by no means do I even come close to the suited up Cuoco). I just give that information as proof that I'm not doubting the struggle of an obese person, particularly a teen. HOWEVER, are we meant to believe that the fat person finds burning crosses on their lawn? The fat person makes 65 cents to every skinny person's dollar? The fat person is forced to sit in the back of the bus? (Well, okay maybe sometimes for balance, but only on windy roads.) Getting picked last for gym softball sucks, but getting lynched sucks more. Good job, Lifetime. Between this and your newest tour de force Gay, Straight or Taken?, you're showing us your real sensitive side.

And finally, ever since LangliebGate, we have found it important to take a stance on vital issues. That's why I want to let blogland know that we are PRO RO in the O'Donnell/Trump feud. Donald, you are a public figure. Rosie made a valid point (that you were using a naive girl to promote yourself) and made a comment about your hair. Who hasn't made a Trump hair joke? He has made scathing comments and misquotes in return. Not cool.

Also, I wish I had the numbers to back me up on this, but despite some of his businesses going bankrupt, I am fairly certain that the Donald has more money than Ro. What does he do for charity? Give subway hero's $10,000 checks because it is a guarantee that the press is watching. What does Ro do for charity? TONS, blogland, TONS. Weigh in here, unless you are Kaley Cuoco in a fat suit. That is TO MUCH JUNK for us to handle. HA see what I did there? It's all about bringin' it back.

Cranky Doc-Off

This announcement for the next episode of Scrubs inspired me to write a comparative blog:

Thursday, SCRUBS 9PM NBC: The new episode, "My House," pays homage to Hugh Laurie's acclaimed doctor drama "House." Dr. Cox (John C. McGinley) is the medical sleuth here, trying to figure out the causes of a man's strange skin pigmentation, a young woman's heart failure and a colleague's anger issues...

I only recently started watching Scrubs because I find Zach "Voice of His Generation" Braff too irritating to stomach, even in half-hour increments. But Scrubs is part of NBC's rock block of comedy, so I tend to tune in because what else am I going to do before The Office comes on? Read??

So with the news of this cranky doc crossover, I've been thinking about TV's affection for doctors, especially doctors who are irredeemable assholes. My first encounter with a Curmudgeon, M.D. was ER's Dr. Romano, a bald little troll who was Chief of Staff and also hilariously evil. Why do we like these guys? Maybe it's because they say what we wish we had the nerve to, or maybe it's because the idea of such a nasty doctor is amusingly incongruent - they're supposed to be caring for people, not berating them. Yet I'm no stranger to wildly inappropriate comments from medics. My dermatologist, for instance, once informed my mother that he was glad to have lost weight, because it "made [his] schmeckel look bigger."

Riiight. So which doctor is the most accomplished at verbal gymnastics, the cream of the belligerent crop? Each has their own strengths and weaknesses. Dr. Romano had the best one-liners on a show that was once, believe it or not, quite strong, but he was wussified by his crush on Dr. Corday, the Brit lady best known for pronouncing tumor "too-mah." Also, he lost an arm to a helicoptor and then was killed by a different chopper falling on him one season later. Man, ER disintegrated into nonsense quickly. Dr. Cox is appropriately over-the-top on the absurdity that is Scrubs, and I'm amazed at his ability to deliver rants that must read as incomprehensible in written scripts, but he also has too many "Awwwwwwww" sitcom moments. And Dr. House, despite his myriad appeals, sometimes steps over the line from snark into cruelty and makes the viewer uncomfortable.

So who's your pick? Comment away. I leave you with some choice quotes from each doctor to help you with this difficult decision.

ROMANO:
"I'm beginning to think that "ER" stands for 'everyone's retarded.'"

COX:
JD: Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?
Dr. Cox: I'd say you're about a B-cup, Susan.

HOUSE:
Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.

Best of the Boob Tubers

My favorite moments from our storied past six months:

*When Walnuts attacks.

*Manohla Dargis is insane, loves Reno 911.

*A pre-scandal David Langlieb weighs in on which Sex and the City gal John Bolton is.

*A hottie round-up that for once isn't filled with blond film actresses.

*Boy, that Lonelygirl15 craze sure burned out quickly.

*We're still waiting for the Polack mob to come after us. What's wrong, you guys are too dense to find us?

*Jeanette tries to have sex with Christmas...

*...and gets some face time with foreigners instead.

And that was our teletastic year. Standby for our favorite TV moments of 06, likely not to be published until 07 because of intoxication, laziness.

The only one who could ever reach me...

Survivor Cook Islands 12/16/06- A Yul-Tide Celebration!

A few months back, Alanna and I were watching Sexy Beast. The first fifteen minutes of this film are glorious; Gary and his friend, whose character name escapes me, both retired mobsters, live in the Spanish country side, which really looks like heaven on earth. Their awkward tan lines and growing waist lines don't matter at all. That's how happy they are. One night, they go out to dinner with their wives and decide on the calamari before Gary's friend tells him they've been recruited for one last job by Don, the godfather of their crew. What ensues is an emotional mindfuck. For the next two hours, I wondered why the film couldn't have ended in the restaurant, with Gary proclaiming his love for calamari. "I love calamari," he could have said approvingly, leaning his chair back with his heels, patting his gut with one hand and rubbing his disproportionately hot wife's knee with the other. That would have been my kind of movie*.

If you're still with me here, last night the thirteenth season of Survivor ended with a real "I Love Calamari" sputter. First things first, my main man Yul won the million dollars. Hip Hip HorAsian! Secondly, he did so after leading his Aitu Four to the final four. Once there, they all sat around camp, singing folk songs while Becky and Sundra braided each others' 39 days of leg hair growth. Okay not really, but they might as well have...that's how much of a love fest it was. Becky would rather have been true to the foursome than take Yul up on his offer to use the immunity idol to guarantee herself a spot in the final three (that's right, this season THREE people were considered for the million). And the four of them very fairly voted to a tie at the final tribal council, so a tie breaker would determine whether or not Becky or Sundra was in the final three. It was about as melodious as one of those Brady Bunch episodes where the kids suddenly learned they can sing, only to find daisies floating all around them while they danced in bellbottoms.

It was great. You may hear the naysayers arguing that they missed out on the Susan-calling-Richard-Hatch-A-Rat moment, or the Johnny-Fair-Play-feigning-his-grandmother's-death plot twist. They are wrong. How nice to see four people honestly and intelligently make it as far as possible in the game. I bet each and every one of them loves Calamri. And so do I, Aitu final four, so do I.

Also, last night Sekou, the first Survivor voted out this season, graced the audience with an original song he had written about the show. Honestly, it sounded like music accompanied by a string of drawn out farts, which happened to sound a little bit like the word survivor.

*This is actually a very good movie.

64th Golden Globes Nominations Announced

Find all the television-centric nods here, with the occasional incisive commentary in italics. Apologies for all the caps, I pretty much copied and pasted this from here, where you can also find the film nominees.

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

24 (FOX)

BIG LOVE (HBO)

GREY’S ANATOMY (ABC)

HEROES (NBC)

LOST (ABC)


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

PATRICIA ARQUETTE - MEDIUM

EDIE FALCO - THE SOPRANOS

EVANGELINE LILLY - LOST
Really? I love the show and even I can admit the woman has two facial expressions.

ELLEN POMPEO - GREY’S ANATOMY
Poor man's Renée "Lemon Face" Zellweger.

KYRA SEDGWICK - THE CLOSER


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

PATRICK DEMPSEY - GREY’S ANATOMY

MICHAEL C. HALL - DEXTER

HUGH LAURIE - HOUSE
Especially since he can do teenage girl as well as middle-aged man.

BILL PAXTON - BIG LOVE

KIEFER SUTHERLAND - 24
Again? He doesn't really act, so much as yell "Damn it!" into his cell phone repeatedly.


BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (ABC)

ENTOURAGE (HBO)

OFFICE (NBC)

UGLY BETTY (ABC)

WEEDS (SHOWTIME)


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES –COMEDY OR MUSICAL
I don't watch any of this sh*t.

MARCIA CROSS - DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

AMERICA FERRERA - UGLY BETTY

FELICITY HUFFMAN - DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS - THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE

MARY-LOUISE PARKER - WEEDS


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

ALEC BALDWIN - 30 ROCK

ZACH BRAFF - SCRUBS
I keep hearing that Zach Braff is the "voice of my generation," though really I feel more in tune with the much older and funnier Jew, Larry David. Does that make me weird?

STEVE CARRELL - THE OFFICE

JASON LEE - MY NAME IS EARL

TONY SHALHOUB - MONK


BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

BLEAK HOUSE (PBS)

BROKEN TRAIL (AMC)

ELIZABETH I (HBO)

MRS. HARRIS (HBO)

PRIME SUSPECT: THE FINAL ACT (PBS)



BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

GILLIAN ANDERSON - BLEAK HOUSE

ANNETTE BENING - MRS. HARRIS

HELEN MIRREN - ELIZABETH I
What?!? Someone needs to schedule an intervention and send her to Monarchs Anonymous. OK, that was lame.

HELEN MIRREN - PRIME SUSPECT: THE FINAL ACT

SOPHIE OKONEDO - TSUNAMI, THE AFTERMATH


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

ANDRÉ BRAUGHER - THIEF

ROBERT DUVALL - BROKEN TRAIL

MICHAEL EALY - SLEEPER CELL: AMERICAN TERROR

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR - TSUNAMI, THE AFTERMATH

BEN KINGSLEY - MRS. HARRIS

BILL NIGHY - GIDEON’S DAUGHTER
I've never even heard of this, but I'm sure he was better than...

MATTHEW PERRY - THE RON CLARK STORY
Yeah, him.


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

EMILY BLUNT - GIDEON’S DAUGHTER

TONI COLLETTE - TSUNAMI, THE AFTERMATH

KATHERINE HEIGL - GREY’S ANATOMY

SARAH PAULSON - STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP
It's sad to watch her suck the last scrap of life out of this show, because she was so fantastic on Deadwood. Also, dating Cherry Jones. That's cool.

ELIZABETH PERKINS - WEEDS


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

THOMAS HADEN CHURCH - BROKEN TRAIL

JEREMY IRONS - ELIZABETH I

JUSTIN KIRK - WEEDS

MASI OKA - HEROES
Team Sambo!!!

JEREMY PIVEN - ENTOURAGE

House 12/13/06: Aww, Greggy-poo

Last night's House was perhaps was the most miserable Christmas episode that I have ever seen. Between the detoxing, and the stealing Oxy from a dead guy, and the betrayals and the ultimatums and the sniping, and the really hot dwarf (wait, what?), Bad Hat Harry Productions has left us with almost nothing but negativity to carry us through the dark House-less days until January 9th.

Almost nothing. Because last night's episode provided Jeanette and I with one amazing revelation.

Gregory House has metamorphosed into a teenage girl.

Sure, House was cutting himself because it helped to "release endorphins" that temporarily "relieved his agonizing leg pain" and the "discomfort of detoxing from Vicodin." But any graduate of a suburban high school knows what sort of people really cut themselves, and why:

Angsty adolescent females who want everyone to see the pain they feel inside. The kind of horrible, horrible pain that comes from parents who give you your grandfather's old Buick for your 16th birthday instead of the Audi that your friend Julie got. The intolerable ouchies of a rejection letter from Brown University, which is where you were meant to go, because you worked your upper-middle-class butt off for this and your consolation prize is a SUNY, and SUNY schools are for poor losers!

Ahem. To confirm our suspicions, we received a leak of the teleplay for the next new House. Here's a teaser, exclusive to Boob Tubers readers.

EXT. PRINCETON-PLAINSBORO TEACHING HOSPITAL - ESTABLISHING

INT. HOUSE'S OFFICE - DAY

CAMERON
House, our patient is presenting with symptoms of liver failure. Yellow eyes, dark urine, and a strange attraction to old, curmudgeonly men. Oh wait. That last one is a symptom of my personal failure as a human being.

FOREMAN
It's clearly Seacrest's Disease.

CHASE
It's not Seacrest's, I already told you. Seacrest's involves the erratic growth of facial hair in men of short stature.
(beat)
House, what do you think?

HOUSE
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME!

CAMERON
What are you talking about?

HOUSE
You guys act like you know so much, but you really don't. Like, do you know how I lost my virginity?

FOREMAN
I don't see how this is relevant to our patient--

CAMERON
I want to know.

HOUSE
It was at the cast party for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. To Ben Kellner, who played Joseph. All the other girls in the chorus were SO JEALOUS.

CHASE
Uh, why don't we get back to the differential diagnosis.

HOUSE
But I'm so tired. Coach Sweeney made me do twenty laps this morning because I had three latenesses to gym class.

Cuddy enters, dressed very unprofessionally.

CUDDY
How are we doing with the patient?

HOUSE
Ugh, I hate you. I am so fat compared to you.

CUDDY
Well, I don't have a bum leg. I can work out every day.

HOUSE
Oh my God, I can't believe you just said that to me. You're such a bitch.
(begins weeping)
I'm a freak!
(reaches for conveniently located scalpel)

SPIKE
Oh, House. It's time you learned...
Life's not a song
Life isn't bliss
Life is just this
It's living...

Happy Holidays: Viral Video A-Go-Go

Thanks to internet viral videos, even when you're at work, you can be watching TV! As one who fully endorses the watching of TV, and as previously stated, as one who LOVES Christmas, I am proud to present my contribution to the world of viral video. Enjoy!

Carol of the Remote Controls

I just finished finding the best adhesive for dollar-store lights to stick to pre-war brick, I am desperately trying to schedule a viewing of Home Alone (the world's greatest cinematic tour de force), and Ashley Tisdale's cover of Last Christmas is crawling into my Ipod as we speak. It is safe to say that Alanna was right when she accused me of being gay for Christmas.

I am so gay for Christmas,in fact, that my obvious commercial break channel surf location during Tuesday's episode of Gilmore Girls was ABC to catch snippets of the claymation classic Santa Claus is Comin to Town. Who can forget how a red-headed St. Nick brought joy to the children of Sombertown (who were, by the way, all dressed in gray, I SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE)? Not a lot of people, because 11 million tuned in! Similar numbers are expected for tomorrow night's airing of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman on the eye network. And, of course ABC Family is indulging us with their annual tradition, 25 Days of Christmas. (Although even I must admit that some of the programming offered by the alphabet network's cable child is lackluster, consisting of plot lines like 'A grumpy ad executive reluctant to embrace Christmas suddenly discovers his long lost birth father is Santa Claus and is taken on a magical adventure that cures his son's leukemia'.)

If you want a really crappy example of journalism and a bullshit reason as to why people like me, level headed adults, eat up the cheezefest that is holiday programming, feel free to check out Jennifer Frey's article in today's Washington Post. In it, Frey tells me I like this crap because I am nostalgic for my childhood. OH YES! I LONG FOR MY MIDDLE CHILD WOES DATING BACK TO THE LATE EIGHTIES/EARLY NINETIES! NOT! (Or as Borat would say, I do NOT long for my middle child woes.)

If you just want to know what glorious gems of holiday programming you should set your DVR for and/or advice on how to stick up for yourself when your roommates freak out as you sing every lyric to Even a Miracle Needs a Hand from Twas The Night Before Christmas (the one with that mouse family), turn to me.

Here are my top picks to trim your TV:

The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus (ABC Family, 12/9 11 AM EST, 12/12 7 PM EST) 1985-technology with clay animation tells the story of Santa Claus, heavy on Pagan, not Christian, ideals.

One Magic Christmas (Hallmark, 12/9 7 PM) I LOVE THIS MOVIE! Harry Dean Stanton plays an angel that saves struggling mom Mary Steenburgen's lower middle class Christmas!

Prancer (AMC, 12/10 8 PM, 10:15 PM) Ever wonder what I was like when I was six. THE LITTLE GIRL IN THIS ADORABLE MOVIE!

Green-Colored Spotlight On: Dean Winters

Green-colored because you really can't get any more Irish than this familiar TV actor. You would think that Jeanette would be a more appropriate author for this entry. WRONG you would be. It is a little known fact that this Jewess has dabbled amongst the leprechauns. I just can't help myself. I find both freckles and Catholic guilt very alluring.

Of late, Dean has played affable, slightly dim micks on shows like Rescue Me and 30 Rock. He must be a good sport, because his IMDB profile indicates that he is in fact a well-traveled college graduate and not, for instance, a beeper salesman or Denis Leary's drunk adultering brother.

I first encountered Dean in a very different role, as Ryan O'Reily (seriously) on HBO's prison drama Oz, a show grittier than a sandbox full of broken glass. I learned many things from Ryan: how to manipulate hardened rapists and murderers like a modern day, really cute Iago; how to seduce the Latina prison doctor after having your brother kill her husband; how to survive shootings, gas explosions, and solitary confinement. I should also mention that whenever someone is thrown into solitary confinement on Oz, they are naked. And creator Tom Fontana never shied away from showing us that. Seriously people, what are you waiting for? Netflix that sh*t.

If all that doesn't cement Dean's coolness in your minds, consider this. He was on Law and Order: SVU back in the heady days of the '99/'00 season, and managed in his brief, glorious tenure as Det. Cassidy to nail Olivia Benson. That's something even Chris Meloni (who also starred on Oz) hasn't managed to do.

Dos and Don'ts

Lately, when I think about the show Heroes, I don't think about the schlocky dialogue. I don't think about how Niki got seriously gypped with her "super power," or how in real life, Nathan Petrelli is married to Natalie Maines of The Dixie Chicks, a band that actually titled a song "Lubbock or Leave It." Get it? It's not a bad song actually, but that's gotta be the worst title since The Constant Gardener. Sample lines from that film, at least in my mind:

"Always gardening, you are! By Jove, Manifred, when will you stop the constant gardening?"
"Never, dear Winthrop. My green thumb is eternal. For I am... the Constant Gardener."

No, I think about how Milo Ventimiglia has the stupidest hair on television. The proof is in the arbirtrary asymmetry:



The long-in-the-front, short-in-the-back 'do went out of fashion back in '99, when this chick from my high school, Stephanie, got props for being the "most creative" just because her hair hung in her fucking eyes all the time. Meanwhile, while Stephanie was artfully walking into things because she couldn't see through her HAIR, who was at home writing stories about girls who thought they were metamorphosing into dogs? ME. I SHOULD HAVE WON "MOST CREATIVE" IN THE SENIOR SUPERLATIVES SECTION OF THE YEARBOOK, DAMMIT.

So that's why I hate Milo Ventimiglia's hair. Otherwise, he's pretty cute, in a Guido sort of way. Wait. I take back the "Guido" thing. I don't want all of Bensonhurst crashing this blog and threatening my life. Well, I sort of do.

Other retarded hair cuts:

Flattop-era Will Smith


Keri Russell, whose Season 2 cropped hair was such a blow that it actually made ratings on Felicity go down. Also her ass looks big here.


David Boreanaz, now and forever. ("Angel's lame. His hair goes straight up and he's bloody stupid.")

Daniel Radcliffe is the stupidest human being alive

OK, I know this isn't about television or David Langlieb, but it would be so wrong to let this story pass by.

USA Today published new photos from the upcoming movie, Harry Potter and the E Street Band -- I mean, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Each shot is accompanied by quotes from the cast members, and the titular hero himself offered this little gem of wisdom:

"Harry had been through so much because of him, and yet no one was believing him that Voldemort was back," said Radcliffe. "It made me think of how Holocaust survivors must feel about Holocaust denial."

Yup, he's dead on. A fictional teenage wizard would be devastated by those who didn't take his word about the return of the Dark Lord, as devastated as an Auschwitz survivor would feel if people denied that he'd been robbed of his home, starved, forced to labor outdoors without pay for several years, and witnessed the murder of his entire family. It's pretty much the same thing.

I say we should make ALL our children quit school and get occasional on-set lessons from tutors to movie stars. That brand of education leads to great sound bites!

Awareness Tubers: UCLA Student Mostafa Tabatabainejad Unfairly Tasered

Ever since Langlieb Gate '06, Alanna and I have marveled about how a jaunt into the world of current events can really up your hit counts. Maybe I should feel a little guilty for bringing this off topic event up here, but when I saw this on YouTube, I was in shock. Plus, I found it on Perez Hilton, and we easily have more substance to our blog than him, so why shouldn't I post this here (not to say I don't enjoy your sass and the way you make it look like there's cum coming out of everyone's mouths in your pictures, Perez).

Anyway, backstory is UCLA student Mostafa Tabatabainejad was studying in the library circa 11:30 PM one night earlier this week, and when he was not able to produce his university ID, the following incident occurred:



Two lessons here. One, don't be a racist asshole, cops included. I can see why the university cops would feel frustrated with their position; whenever one would give me a parking ticket for being in a "Frat Brothers Only" zone or something, I'd usually laugh and yell out "FAKE COPS" as they rolled away on their golf cart. But that doesn't mean you can TASER someone. JESUS CHRIST what were these guys even doing with any weapons. THEY ARE NOT REAL POLICE. I was legitimately touched and happy that the victim's fellow students were telling them to stop and asking for their badge numbers. I hope these guys get demoted to dining hall patrol or something.

Second lesson, someone has a camera everywhere, always. If you do something retarded, there is a huge chance it will end up on YouTube. Just last night, Alanna and Vivian were doing some very vivacious cat impersonations on my bed. If I had a camera, they would have been SCREWED for the rest of their professional lives. Don't be retarded.

Oooh, maybe our racist anonymous commentor of yore will come back in defense of the fake police.

Also, read more here.

Studio 60, House, Nip/Tuck Rootin' Tootin' Roundup

I love working late every night, but I especially love it on nights like tonight, when the cleaning lady looks over my shoulder skeptically as she empties my garbage can, only to see me looking at a clip of Tickle Me Elmo TMX on YouTube. Listen, I don't need her or ANYONE ELSE judging me, especially as I delve into...

JEANETTE'S TELEVISION STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS, the Wednesday after edition.

Firstly, I am sick of sticking up for the integrity of Studio 60. I feel like it is the new kid in town who also happens to be my cousin, and my grandpa has offered me a shiny, Susan B. Anthony dollar for every time I can get cus a new friend. While I do think last Monday's show was awkward in how hurriedly it wrapped up the Nevada based story line (We hardly knew ya, John Goodman cameo), I still was literally looking forward all week to the conclusion of the two-parter.

Secondly, WOAH, who else is shaking in their pajama pants about what Gregory House's Cop-elganger is going to do to him? The bonds between House and his newfound nemesis strengthened this week as David Morse's character, Michael Tritter, uttered words so familar to House's pursedly narrow yet alluring lips: Everybody lies. They're both right. I lie...in bed each night awaiting for Hugh Laurie to be right beside me...what?

And Thirdly, what in tarnation was going on with Nip/Tuck last night? In a ploy so cliché we have seen it as recently as last year's series finale of Will & Grace, we got a glimpse into the future (the future, Conan?) with an episode entitled "Conor McNamara 2026." I was glad to see that the best looking midget ever was still in the picture 20 years later (Oh come on, I dare you to tell me I am the only one to think Peter Dinklage is hot! I mean he's no Matt Roloff but WHATEVER!) Also, I think in order to research the future, Nip/Tuck had their staff writers have a Jetsons marathon (They probably could have done this at my apartment since this is one show that has made it to Vivian's DVRing list). I find it hard to believe that people will be eating meals that consist of piles of multi-colored mush like Sean and Christian were in ONLY 20 YEARS. I can't wait until it actually is 2026 so that the writers can feel the same embarassment as George Orwell's ghost did when the real 1984 actually looked like this:


Also, David Lang...oh nevermind.

I, too, am responding to JJ's tag...

1. Popcorn or candy? If you get the popcorn right, taking part in this buttery delight can be the pinnacle of any movie going experience. I love M&Ms but pesonally think they should be banned from theaters, specifically because once Alanna and I were literally bruised by the airborne treats in response to our HILARIOUS and raucous heckling of Scary Movie.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever. Dr. Zhivago. However, Alanna and I have both seen Doc Hollywood.

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar: Both the Juvenile Achievement Oscar given to Mickey Rooney in 1939 and his later awarded Lifetime Achievement Oscar. That guy is a hack. He weirds me out. He's not good at anything other than putting on a newsboy cap and clicking his heels, and on that he's even a little rusty.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Chas Tenenbaum's jogging suit.

5. Your favorite film franchise is...soon to be the His Dark Materials films, the first of which (The Golden Compass) is filming now.

6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them? I would like to clone Zack Braff four times, have all five Braffs over, and feed them a jello mold that spells out, "Show don't tell."

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater? Lethal injection.

8. Choose a female bodyguard: Roseanne in She-Devil.

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie? Movie, no. Back to my boob tubers roots in order to answer the Zebo the Clown episode of Are you Afraid of the Dark?

10. Your favorite genre (excluding comedy and drama) is? Mockumentary.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power? BRING BACK THE WELL EXECUTED MOVIE MUSICAL!

12. Bonnie or Clyde? Hyde. David Hyde Pierce.

MeMe, YouYou, PeePee, PooPoo

J.J. of As Little As Possible tagged us Tubers for this fun little meme. Since there's nothing I love writing about more than myself - ahem, I mean entertainment - I thought I'd give it a go.

1. Popcorn or candy? Popcorn is such a cocktease. It smells so excellent, and then when you eat it, it's too dry and gets stuck in your throat, or so buttery and greasy that just looking at it makes you break out. So candy. Junior Mints if possible.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever. Dr. Strangelove

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar: Who loses theirs and to whom? My Oscar memory isn't that spectacular; instead of recalling what Meryl won for and when, my brain is filled with amusing quotes from the fifth season of Angel. Example:

Spike busts into Angel's office
Angel: We're having a meeting.
Spike: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't care.

Which is to say, Crash was totally undeserving. Best Picture should have gone to Buttsex Mountain.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Which will it be? Either The Bride's yellow jumpsuit from Kill Bill or Edward Scissorhands' S&M get-up. Maybe a combo of both.

5. Your favorite film franchise is... I have a soft spot for the Christopher Reeve Superman movies, except for the awful, awful fourth one. World peace does not an action movie make.


6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them? I'd like to host Klaus Kinski, Christopher Walken, Anne Heche, Stephen Seagal, and Shirley MacLaine to see who comes up with the best plot to take over the world. I'd feed them canned cranberry sauce.

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater? They should have to listen to Nicole Kidman sing "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" for eons and eons. That would be torture for me, anyway.

8. Choose a female bodyguard: Ripley from Aliens. Mystique from X-Men. Sarah Connor from Terminator 2. The Bride from Kill Bill. Mace from Strange Days. None of the above. I choose Sybil from the TV movie of the same name.

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie? Of late, it's the fat Armenian dude's testicles in Sacha Baron Cohen's face.

10. Your favorite genre (excluding comedy and drama) is? I must grudgingly admit an affinity for sci-fi. The Fountain trailer, for instance, excites me to no end. Oh, Wolverine.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power? By hiring underrated actresses and giving them complex, meaty roles. It's shameful how few interesting parts exist for women, and the ones that do all go to the Aussie Trifecta: Kidman, Watts, Blanchett.

12. Bonnie or Clyde? Bonnie. Clyde's so vain, he probably thinks this blog is about him.

13. Who are you tagging to answer this survey? Lauren of Oodleday, Eric of Confessions, Chris of Exit Stage Left.

Survivor Cook Islands 11/9/06: OMFG!

Wow! Wowee wow wow wow! What a shit show of a Survivor episode! I loved it! You may think Mark Burnett is off his rocker, coming up with the most sensatonal stunts legally possible to get America to watch, and you're probably right, but Survivor grabbed this longtime but now wavering fans by the [hypothetical] balls last night!

Firstly, I almost threw up my delicious, homemade grilled cheese on wheat when Jonathan shared with Candace the prospect of it being the four "caucasians" left at the end. What?! I thought we were over that publicity stunt. I have spent the past few weeks marveling at how race went from being the main issue on Survivor Cook Islandsto being an almost non issue once the tribes merged. People were voted off because they were bat shit crazy (see Cao Boi), not because of the color of their skin. And of course it's a cracker that would keep the racial sentiments around. Perhaps I shouldn't be throwing that term around in light of Langliebgate 06, but I don't care!

AND if Jonathan's temporary posession by William J. Simmons wasn't enough, Jeff "I am second only to Ryan Seacrest in my reality show hosting abilities" Probst threw a curveball (or coconut, if you will) before the rewards challenge; all Survivors had a ten second opportunity to start a 'mutiny' by deciding to switch to the opposing tribe. Candance took him up on this so that she could be back with her BFFEAEAEs Parvati and Adam. BUT, at the last second Jonathan joined her. Good job, Candace, because Survivor is definitely all about making friends and not at all about strategizing to win a million dollars. Also, good job, Jonathan, because Survivor is all about following around a hot, blonde twenty something that wants nothing to do with the modern day Richard Hatch.

It doesn't matter what any of these pawns do, though, because Yul is probably the best human being to have ever walked the planet. Yul for President 2008. He'll be running for the AWESOME party.

Ed Bradley, 65, Loses Battle with Leukemia

According to the Hollywood Reporter,

Veteran "60 Minutes" correspondent Ed Bradley died of leukemia Thursday morning at a New York City hospital. He was 65. CBS News said Thursday morning that Bradley died at Mount Sinai Hospital. Bradley was a correspondent at "60 Minutes" for 26 years, covering a number of the show's biggest stories and winning 19 Emmys during his career. His most recent was for a "60 Minutes" segment on the reopening of the 1950s racial murder of Emmett Till.

This is truly a shame, and Ed will no doubt be missed. I feel like I hardly knew him, but that's probably because I am hardly 60 Minutes' target demographic. Starting today, I will certainly be holding my main man Charles Osgood nearer and dearer, because you just never know.

Also, David Langlieb.

TEK JANSEN!

I don't know if you're all aware what has been happening on Comedy Central's Motherload web content/The Colbert Report, but check it out! Tek Jansen! Colbert's very own animated super hero alter ego! I, for one, feel like a bigger douchebag than our embittered/racist anonymous commentor on LangliebGate 06 for not knowing about Tek sooner. His theme song will be my wedding song for sure.

Also, David Langlieb.

House 11/7/06: House gets real; find the Langliebgate reference!

Last night on House: a comatose 600-pounder comes to the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, and when he awakens he tries to bust out. Problem is, weighing 600 pounds makes him sort of hard to miss. In a very House-esque move, Cameron doses him to keep him in the hospital. He refuses to believe that his illness is connected to his weight, and it turns out he's correct: he has inoperable lung cancer. Sometimes it sucks to be right, huh? Meanwhile, the cop who House previously violated with a rectal thermometer is gunning for our favorite titular character. He searches House's apartment and finds enough Vicodin to keep all of Greenpoint sedated. Ruh roh!

I, for one, am thrilled that the House writers have come up with a credible adversary for our favorite doc. This season had a lackluster start, but with David "I'm so creepy! CREEEEEEEEEPY!" Morse as the cop who's got it in for House, things have been kicked up a few notches.

As much as I love Hugh Laurie and the character he plays, the formulaic nature of the show can get tiresome: it always ends with House brilliantly pulling some brilliant conclusion out of left field, and then brilliantly curing the patient. All while sending a constant stream of insults his or her way. It's like, I get it. He's really good at what he does. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind I'm going, "No doctor can be this much of an asshat, AND publicly addicted to Vicodin, and never get sued, no matter how smart he is."

Well, Mr. CREEEEEEEEEPY! may resolve both of these dilemmas. He confronts House with the legal troubles that would be inevitable in the real world, and he also takes much of the pleasure out of House's medical victories, since in his personal life, Greg's in deep. He may have tied with God in a genius-off, but he ain't infallible. I look forward to the upcoming episodes, especially since tonight's Lost will be the last for many long, cold months.

Also, David Langlieb. I'm just gonna write his name at the end of every entry to get more hits. Why not? All the other blogs are doing it!

"Never were words so true." Thoughts on Gilmore Girls and memories from Brian Williams

When I thought of the title for this entry, I was sure that Voltaire, FDR or some other ‘quotent quotable’ amongst the pages of Bartlett’s familiar quotations said the above line. Turns out it is a lyric in the song Home, from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, now in its thirteenth smash year on Broadway, and featuring Donnie Osmond through December 24th. I dare you to judge me. Go ahead. Do it.

Anyhooters, perusing various publications today, I felt as if television related writers were SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO ME. Like they were IN MY HEAD. Like they KNEW ME BETTER THAN ANY OTHER PERSON. Like they were MATT PARKMAN AND I WAS SYLAR. Here’s what I’m talking about.

In her astute article on Gilmore Girls, The NY Times’s Virginia Heffernan offers the best analysis I have heard all season, except for mine. When the WB, Amy Sherman-Palladino and Dan Palladino could not come to contractual terms, the married couple/show helmers jumped ship. With Amy on board, the show’s wit and banter was as sharp as an anonymous commentor’s bite. Or as Heffernan puts it, we saw Lorelai and Rory as they should be:

“In their purest incarnations, Lorelai and Rory shared the witty woman’s challenge: to architect a wall of words so high and so thick that no silence, no stares, no intimations of mortality or even love could penetrate it.”

Now it looks as if Lorelai and Chris are going to get caught up in the romance of Paris. The closest I came to romance in Paris was hooking up with some guy named Jeremiah in a room featuring six bunk beds at the Hotel Calaincourt, whilst reeking of Guinness. And Lorelai and myself are cut from the same cloth. Okay, her cloth is skinnier and better dressed, but nonetheless it is the same. Therefore, I can tell you that a decline into the depths of canoodling and conversation hearts over the course of one summer hiatus is NOT POSSIBLE. Here’s hoping that the coarseness of Luke’s stubble and over starched flannels will soon whip Lorelai back into shape.

Also, in the latest edition of Newsweek, NBC News’ favorite funny man* gives a heartwarming look at his youth’s transition to Technicolor. He shares, “I was, more than any kid I knew, obsessed and fascinated at what television had to offer, and the places it could take me.” The same is true for me, possibly times three. So for all those times my mother told me to switch off the M*A*S*H repeats in favor of some outdoor recreation, I say to her, LOOK AT ME NOW!

*Chris Hansen came in second, specifically for his fine work in blooper reels featuring pedophiles caught with their pants down.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming...Law and Order: Out to Pasture

Staying abreast with current events has really helped our site meter out. So in case you hadn’t heard, this weekend was bad noose for Saddam Hussein. Find me a more reliable source than the Boob Tubers to read about current events and I will give you a million bucks*. We’re like the Daily Show of amateur blogs about television.

But seriously,folks, as Alanna said, back to business as I proudly present the next installment in the Law and Order franchise, Law and Order: Out to Pasture. The grand pappy of all procedural crime shows and its equally successful subsets have created yet a new niche for themselves: the place where personalities that have aged themselves to the B-list go to fade away.


Most notably, last Friday’s installment of Law and Order: Original Recipe featured Chevy Chase in a ripped from the headlines story. Chase played a celebrity who spreads anti-Semitic love (and by love I mean hate) after being arrested for a D.U.I. And also, when pulled over, he’s covered in blood. Chase should be commended for his dramatic acting chops, something only hinted at in Clark Griswold’s scenes as a straight man. However, the L & O: OR writing staff could have benefited from not sleeping through Subtlety 101. As he spouted out lines like “sugartits,” Chase might as well been wearing a Passion of the Christ t-shirt.

Just a week earlier, Law and Order: SVU featured Liza Minelli, in a ripped from the [older] headlines story. Minelli played a Patsy Ramsey-type dealing years later with the murder of her beauty pageant queen daughter. Like most situations these days, Liza appeared to walk through this one in a painkiller induced haze. It’s like her Valium glazed eyes were saying, if mumsy had killed me, at least it would have been some sort of attention.

Earlier this season, Law and Order: SVU was visited by the incomporable Jerry Lewis. Let me tell you, if Emmy watched the first half of the episode before changing to marvel at how puffy James Spader has gotten on Boston Legal, Jerry may have a chance. His portrayal of a catatonic homeless person/potential rapist was so believable it had me saying, “So THAT’S what he does between telethons.” But when it’s revealed Lewis is actually Detective Munch’s uncle, he gets the medication he needs and reverts back into HEY PRETTY LADY mode. And then pushes a perp in the way of an oncoming subway.

In the end, I suppose Law and Order is a better choice than The Surreal Life for fading stars, but if the Peacock wants to hold on to the oh so precious 18 to 49ers with their procedural crime franchise, perhaps they should have gone the CSI route and snatched up Kevin Federline before he was too hot to handle. Or not.

*I will not give you a million bucks.

Declaring the time of death on the Greenpoint scandal

Boy, that escalated quickly!

At this point, I believe I speak for all Boob Tubers when I say it is time to move on from Langliebgate 2006. We've made our stance clear, and so have a multitude of commenters with varying levels of humor and eloquence. The comments section for our last entry has begun to take a nasty turn, so we declare a moratorium on that topic. Feel free to continue leaving your thoughts, but do not expect a repsonse from us.

Oh, and by the way, it looks like there's a totally new thing to be offended by today. Get on that, people!

Please stay tuned as we go back to writing about what we know best, television. Jeanette will be posting shortly about the Law and Order behemoth, and there probably won't be any references to Detective Benson hot on the trail of a Polish crime ring.

Media Tubers: We Break the Silence As One of Our Own is Dragged through Mud

There are only so many Langliebs in the phone book, so if you have deduced that our own resident Sex and the City expert is the same David Langlieb that has been today’s talk of the town, you’re right. For those of you that haven’t heard the news, a satirical article Langlieb wrote accusing gentrification of being a modern day form of colonialism has caused quite the stir within the Polish community, despite its obvious sardonic tone.

Maybe if Langlieb wrote for Condé Nast, the New York Times, or News Corp (well okay, probably not News Corp) he would be fired. But Boob Tubers is no Condé Nast or New York Times! Here, we are staunch protectors of the freedom of speech, and staunch supporters of the death penalty for people incapable of critical reading.

As for the Polish community that is now up in arms, please understand that the Boob Tubers, Langlieb included, have nothing but respect for you. In order to show this respect, we would like to invite any Pole that is willing to share a meal with us. Let’s get together and eat some dead babies. We found a great recipe here in Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal. Wait, what? He didn’t actually want us to eat baby? How can that BE? It’s right there in writing!

Before your fun size Butterfinger high wears off, I'd like to offer my assessment of Bravo's "Even Scarier Movie Moments" miniseries that aired last night: Zzzzzz...

I was deeply disappointed in this dull, predictable horror movie round-up, because the initial 100 Scariest Movie Moments that I caught a couple years ago was so great. The flicks were assessed by actual horror veterans like John Landis, Stephen King, and Guillermo del Toro, in addition to film experts like Leonard Maltin. (Oh, Leonard. You and your compulsive movie taxonomy.) And random shmandoms like Debbie Matenopoulos offered such color commentary as this response to the eternally great Poltergeist: "Get your kids, get your shit, get the fuck out of the house. That's all I've got to say." Beautiful.

What was best, though, was that the show didn't just cover the traditional Psycho-The Exorcist-Alien type films, though those three ranked quite high. (As a companion piece, check out J.J.'s blog about his tormented relationship with The Exorcist.) No, "100 Scariest" tackled oldies like "Freaks," foreign films like "Audition," and cult hits / obscurities like "An American Werewolf in London," "The Brood," and "The Wicker Man."

The show nspired me to watch "Suspiria," Dario Argento's beautifully bizarre film about a coven that sets up shop in an Italian dance school. Interestingly, last night's lackluster "Even Scarier" shows a clip from "Saw II" in which a girl is forced to jump into a pit of dirty hypodermic needles. Surely this lovely moment owes much to the scene in "Suspiria," in which a young dancer believes she is jumping to safety, but really leaps into a pit of barbed wire.

The original "Scariest Moments" also led to a party which was dubbed CronenFest and took place at my Maryland apartment during my senior year in college. We watched "The Brood," "eXistenZ," and "Crash" (no, not the L.A. race relations version) and enjoyed some distinctly Cronenberg grostequeries.

But last night, we had no outside-the-box selections, no random pop culture ephemera, no insightful commentary. Instead, we got the lame-o Eli Roth (of "Hostel" fame) yammering about how "Dead Alive" is the only film with enough gore to impress him. Wow, good to know. The list included recent semi-hits like "Cabin Fever," "Slither," and "The Grudge" - the American version! For shame, Bravo. You should have just re-aired your original, brilliant clip show.