Friday, February 23, 2007

Oops... you know the rest

Because Britney Spears' recent history seems like something out of a cheesy TV movie, I got to thinking who would play who in an actual TV movie about her life. Truthfully, I have sympathy for the girl: she's clearly in the midst of a mental breakdown, which is no surprise considering the way she's hounded. At the same time, no one held a gun to her head and made her writhe around on stage wearing little more than a snake and setting women's lib back fifty years. She wanted the fame, and she got it.

So I have no qualms casting a terrible Lifetime biopic about her, using out to pasture TV actors. Without further ado, the cast from Snakes on a Dame: The Britney Spears Story.

Britney's mama: Cynthia Ettinger. Cynthia was last seen playing an amoral carnie stripper on Carnivale, and a buxom drama queen obsessed with Brian Cox(!) on Deadwood. She's voluptuous, bottle-blond, and has proven adept at playing wayyyy over-the-top women who want to pretend they're not middle-aged. She'd be perfect for the ultimate trashy stage mom.

Jason Alexander: The actual Jason Alexander, of course, should play Britney's childhood friend and first husband, just because I thought that's who she married when I first heard the news, and the mental image was hilarious!

Kevin Federline: David Faustino. He's certainly established his sleaziness, and I think his own aborted career is a nice parallel to K-Fed's (Faustino's latest movie: something called RoboDoc.)

Paris Hilton: Britney's former BFF would be marvelous as interpreted by Ripsi, the girl who was too bad for reality show The Bad Girls Club. If you get Oxygen, check out the episode where Ripsi gets wasted and attacks like, everyone. Trust me, it's so much funnier than it sounds.

The lady herself: I'd cast Clare Kramer as Brit. There's not much of a resemblance, but any Buffy fan remembers the havoc Clare wrought during the show's fifth season with her terrible, terrible performance. Britney and Clare are both bad at playing crazy (even if Britney is legitimately insane), and Clare could do justice to Britney's ridiculous, melodramatic life.

OK commenters. Who would you cast? I still need a Jamie-Lynn, here.


Jeanette said...

Clearly Jamie Lynn will be played by Dakota Fanning, who finds her career slipping into despair after her stint on MTV's new reality series Juvies. She was brought in after drunkenly driving a volkswagon bus onto Abigail Breslins lawn and lighting it on fire.

lauren said...

KFed- I am so disappointed you didn't consider Eric Balfour. Perfectly ghetto fabulous in all the right ways.

Britney- Brittany Murphy, dude. Brittany Murphy.

Jamie Lynn- Mickey Rooney.

Aaron Riccio said...

Actually, in foreign countries, they usually get the people themselves to play themselves in carefully scripted and shot recreations of the tragedies. I can't think of anything more cruel to do to the people who actually had to live through these nightmarish events, but in Britney's case, I'll make an exception.

Also, who better to play K-Fed than K-Fed?