Watching TV with Peepaw: Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Law and Order: Criminal Intent

No, this is not my grandfather, but I will bet he is somebody's grandpa, and I don't want Chuck (my grandpa) to have to deal with a sudden swell of internet fame, so this guy will do.

My grandpa and I watched quite a bit of television together while spending the weekend in the house in the Catskill region of NY that he built with his own two hands (I decided to give him credit for something since I am about to make him an honorary boobtuber without consent).

On this week's EXTREME MAKEOVER: HOME EDITION, Ty and the gang were helping out a family of five whose eight year old daughter was facing cancer for the second time. Their house was full of mold, fault wires, cracks etc.

Grandpa: What?! Why do these people need help?
Me: I think because of all the medical bills, they don't have the money to fix their house up.
Grandpa: Yeah, but she got sick two years ago? What about before then? This is bull shit. Isn't there anything else to watch?!

Thankfully, Bravo was airing a mini marathon of Law and Order: Criminal Intent, and we caught an episode with the illustrious Vincent D'Onofrio.

Grandpa: What's this guy's name?
Me: Vincent D'Onofrio or Detective Robert Goren
Grandpa: Huh, I thought it was Jesus Christ or something. Who knows this stuff? Who could figure this stuff out!?

Stick to NASCAR, gramps.

Check Please- TOP CHEF Finally Ends

There was no HUNG jury at judge's table last night! No need for Hung's head to be HUNG in shame! Hung won.

Aside from ending the longest reality show run in history, last night's TOP CHEF was very educational.

I learned that while Padma Lackshmi remains the hottest female specimen ever, she should stay away from live television. Bravo's got a dramatic eye in the editing room, and on the pre-recorded shows, Padma has always come off as suave and just an appropriate few notches below bitchy (they left the bitchy edits for Gail Simmons. Whew, someone has a horned cucumber up her butt). Last night, though, when Padma wasn't tripping over words, she spoke to the camera with the same juvenile inflections as Captain Kangaroo or something. I thought she was going to pull out a fake mirror and say she saw me, and Jimmy and Nancy or some shit...

I learned that women really can't be chefs! After giving little girls everywhere glimmers of hope, Casey really effed up in the final elimination challenge. Come on girl! You should have shown those dudes what you were made of! Displayed your womanly talents! Diced some garlic using kegal stretches or something. Man...

And finally, I learned that Marcel from season 2 and Hung must have met in Top Chef Assholes Anonymous and fallen deeply in love. All night, when the camera cut to Marcel, you saw this deep look in his eyes...like if things didn't go his way, he was going to press the button in his shoe causing this homemade explosive of baking soda and salmon flavored foam to go off. Then when Hung was announced as Top Chef, no joke, Marcel ran up to him SO FAST and was the FIRST ONE to embrace him. There were even points where Hung's mother was standing behind him like chopped lychee while Hung and Marcel embraced. Wasn't Hung allegedly doing all this for his mom? Maybe not because last week he said something about sleeping in the kitchen while he grew up...mom must be a hardass.

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ANNNND my love affair with Kid Nation continues. As the show goes on, more kids are getting more face time, allowing me to find the town Jew. I KNEW there had to be one somewhere. His name is Eric, and I am sure he will be a usurer or something in no time.

Oh Dad! The Rogue!: Heroes, House and Kid Nation

We're not even fully into network television's premiere week yet, but here are some random thoughts...

Creative product placement is all the rage in the TV biz these days, what with the Internets taking over buyers' attention spans (way to generalize, Jeanette). Here are some gross offenders I have noticed over the past week...

Claire was SO THRILLED when Horn Rimmed Glasses gave her a car on the season preem of HEROES this past Monday. "Oh, Dad! The Rogue," she exclaimed, standing next to the black Nissan (R). Yes, every teenager's dream...a Nissan Rogue. I can't wait til these start appearing during the grand finales of MY SUPER SWEET SIXTEEN, right after Kanye West pops out of a cake and some marching band geeks are kicked out of the party. Catch this oh so genuine moment when the show is encored this Saturday, and catch the flack NBC is getting for combining the Nielsen ratings of both airings to inflate their success...

Dr. Gregory House munched on some CheezIts (R) during his latest illegal patient break in. Damn, that's it? CheezIts? If I knew Hugh Laurie was going to break into my house, I would have a platter of ME waiting, with a side of ME. And for dessert...ME. And then I would ask how he likes his eggs in the morning, and then make him a ME omlette.

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In guilty pleasure news, I do believe I will remain a steady viewer of CBS' controversial KID NATION. This has a lot to do with Jared, a precocious 11 year old from Georgia. Kid is like a walking Bartlett’s! He has been known to spew such gems as, "I'm hungry, and as Martin Luther King Jr. said, I have a dream!" When debating whether or not to sacrifice chickens for the sake of protein, Jared had this to offer: "As William Shakespeare said, To kill or not to kill, that is the question."

When not hoping for Jared to enlighten me, I watch KID NATION to hear Laurel's accent. She must be the baby that Matt Damon's girlfriend was pregnant with in THE DEPARTED, because every time she speaks, it sounds like Boston is throwing up!

If you aren't in love with Jared and Laurel already, be sure to click the links to check out their profiles on CBS' website. Their most admired world leaders are George W. Bush and Jesus Christ respectively. THAT SHOULD SEAL THE DEAL FOR YOU!

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What are your thoughts on the season so far, and more importantly, will Alanna ever post again?

Oprah is a simpleton

Girl's got to have some smarts. I mean, she heads a multi billion dollar empire, has Emmys and an Oscar, and apparently makes the curriculum for all of South Africa.

But...today's Oprah is currently airing in the tri state area. For the first half of the show, Oprah interviewed intersex (aka the artists formerly known as hermaphrodites) people. Let's discuss her faux pas.

One, she high fived one of the first guests because it turned out she had a functioning and recognizable va-jayjay. And that is the word she used. Va-jayjay. I'll see you on the soup, insensitive Oprah clip mentioning va-jayjay.

Two, she goes to one of the other guests, "Are you gay?" Nice lead in, Oprah. You have the journalistic integrity and skill of a questioner during the Spanish Inquisition.

And then, after all that, Oprah had the energy to get on her high horse and ask a "question" to her medical expert that was something along the lines of, isn't it better to just accept people as they are instead of insisting they change? Of course, she got enthusiastic applause. But what was the medical expert going to say to that? No? Only if it turns out that the medical expert was Dr. Mengle in disguise.

Rosie, homegirl, thank goodness you didn't go anywhere near that show.

Stay tuned for riveting thoughts on the new television season, including the female reincarnation of JFK running the show on CBS' KID NATION!

UNCLE BOYFRIEND!

Miss Teen Schadenfreude 2007

My father has a TV in virtually every room of his tiny, formerly a beach bungalow of a house (which perhaps may mean that the making of a boob tuber truly is genetic). Because of this, as I cooked dinner for Langlieb and Erin on Friday night, we had the TV on...simply because we could, and were therefore not picky with what was on. I give this background only to defend myself from the criticism I will inevitably receive for having tuned into Miss Teen USA 2007, hosted by America's darling, Mario Lopez.

However, had I not watched the pageant, I would not be able to share with you this fantastic clip. Feeling sluggish this Monday? Feel better in knowing that you will NEVER be more stupid than Miss South Carolina.

Viva Viagra

Sorry it's been so long, folks.* Alanna and I have been consumed living the lives of transient drifters, without a home of our own. That will change just in time for the new fall television season. More Americans get their television related opinions from the Boob Tubers than any other source.

Becuase it's Friday and this head cold of mine is causing more tension than at a co-ed mixer between Camp Sunni and Camp Shiite, here's a mindless entry for you. Please enjoy this national commercial for viagra while asking yourself what. the. fuck.








*I understand no one cares, but don't I look important starting entries like we actually have an audience?

SPOILER ALERT

Dr. Gregory House's flaming cane is a horcrux!

Plumber, ma'am...Candygram....Flowers...

Can you belive that Shark Week is an annual event for the Discovery Channel? I mean, come on, is there really enough original programming on sharks to fill a week of primetime every year? The absurd, cardboard popup add in the middle of Entertainment Weekly this week must have cost a small fortune.

I guess there is at least one new idiot every year that gets his hand bitten off by a shark because he couldn't pass on a gnarly wave or something, so they can always count on some exciting piece where viewers can watch his hand being sewn back on. But really...that's about it. Call me when you do a profile of the Land Shark, Discovery Channel.

Best bloopers ever

Just goes to show that David Boreanaz is a master fucking thespian considering what a nutcase he is in real life... still looks Cro-Mag though.

(I'm unemployed, hence my trolling YouTube for blooper reels from canceled TV shows. Hopefully soon I will be employed AND have something worthwhile to post about.)

When you're lost out there and you're all alone...

Can you believe that Mary Kate Olsen is actually dating this guy?

Their sex life must be something out of a Bog Saget standup routine!

Wheel of (Mis)Fortune: Pat Sajak Suicide Watch

For as long as I have been conscious, Pat Sajak has been the host of Wheel of Fortune. To me, a lifetime fan of syndicated game shows, he has served as a vanguard of comfort, a permanent, smiling fixture in the revolving door of TV personalities. He has stuck with The Wheel through its tough times. Remember in the early 80s when you did not win actual cash, but had to spend all accumlated cash in a gallery of crap-tastic prizes, including but not limited to ceramic statues of dalmatians? I do! He has stuck with The Wheel through the good times. Pat's got three Emmys for hosting and a star on the Hollywood walk of fame.

But Pat is so much more than hugs from overweight, midwestern contestants and all-inclusive trips to the Bahamas. As I recall, he has SHINED whenever filling in on Live with Regis and Kathie Lee/Kelly. He even had a taste of freedom when he hosted the short lived Pat Sajak Show for CBS, and again managed to pick through the cement wall with Pat Sajak Weekend for the Fox "News" Channel (see what I did there?!). However, the retractable umbilicle chord attaching him to The Wheel always manages to pull him back and away from the light.

Which brings me to last night's Wheel, a repeat of the first episode from its 24th season. There were not one, but two times where Pat let his guard down at looked at us, the viewers, with UTTER CONTEMPT. I can only assume Pat Sajak is not long for this world. That is why here at BoobTubers, I am starting the...

Pat Sajak Suicide Watch/Pool

Comment back with the exact date and year you think Pat will end it all, and if correct, you will, most definitely win a glorious prize.

In conclusion, here is a scene I wrote for mine and Alanna's opus, THIS SHOW BITES, a play documenting James Marsters' days at Juliard, featuring this relevant play within a play.

This Show Bites
Act I, Scene 6

The lights go up dimly to reveal a completely black environment, which is actually a stage. James sits on a stool centerstage, also dressed in black. As the lights go up, James looks up at theaudience.

Audience: A play within a play! MAAARVELOUS!

James: (dramatically) Intrigue...

A bongo drum is heard in the background.

James: Passion... Bravery... Justice... Brilliance... Charisma... Animal Attraction... I (pause)am Pat Sajak, and this (gestures to figures dressed completely in black modern dancing their way onto the stage) is my life and times.

The drums continue to play and James participates in a modern dance with the black figures during which they strike a different, limber pose for each drumbeat.

Black Figure 1: This is the second grade, Pat. What is a vowel? WHAT IS A VOWEL?

James: I don't know. I DON'T KNOW.

Figure 1: MY CURSE TO YOU IS THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ESCAPE VOWELS.

Black Figure 2 I am your illegitimate father, Pat. I am a carnie. Get on the ferris wheel. STAY ON THE FERRIS WHEEL!

James: WHY, GOD, WHY?!?!

Figure 2: MY CURSE TO YOU IS THAT THE WHEEL WILL EARN YOU YOUR BREAD!

Black Figure 3: I am your hairdresser, Pat. I will tease your hair. I WILL TEASE YOUR HAIR!

James: SWEET GOD, I HAVE A COIF!

Figure 3: MY CURSE IS THAT NO WIND, NO RAIN, NO LOVER'S GRASP WILL RELEASE YOUR HAIR FROM ITS POSE!

James: The vowels...the wheel... the HAIR. I can't do it, but I must. I embrace my calling...I am the host of a syndicated game show...

All black figures: (starting softly and increasing in volume until they are shouting) Free spin, bankrupt, LOSE A TURN. Free spin, bankrupt, LOSE A TURN. Free spin, bankrupt, LOSE A TURN!

All fall flat on the stage. The drums stop and the lights go out.

Why the 70s Were Better

Because in that drug-fueled decade, muppets could push literacy like it was Bolivian Marching Powder.

NEWSFLASH! MILO VENTIMIGLIA CUTS EMO BANGS, PROBABLY SELLS HIS RADIOHEAD ALBUMS ON E-BAY

There goes my Heros drinking game of taking a shot every time Peter Patrelli pushes the hair out of his face.

How will they explain this in season two? Was his hair singed off in the nuclear explosion above the skies of midtown Manhattan? Was the explosion all a ploy, and Nathan actually flew Peter to a Lemon Tree in Weehawken, New Jersey? Did Claire offhandedly mention that she would never date anyone with man bangs, even her very own Uncle Boyfriend?

Mobsters for Clinton?

While the Boobtubers have not yet chosen which candidate to endorse for 2008, I do want to share with you this bit from the Clinton camp and her ad wiz team at A-Political...

Click play and watch Hillary reveal the winning choice for her campaign song/her sense of humor

An enjoyable side of Hillary...but this works on many levels...

1) This is an interesting play on the fact that she and Bill could ACTUALLY BE WACKSASSINATED!

2) Wasn't Bill an extra at Bada Bing this past season? Chappaqua isn't that far away...

Entourage Season 4 Premiere

Last night's Entourage was highly anticipated, since we actually got to see the crew doing something other than dick around, smoke pot, and sleep with hot chicks. Now they were dicking around, smoking pot, and sleeping with hot chicks while making a move in Colombia.

Vincent Chase's acting as seen in the dailies is craptacular. But still not as craptacular as Turtle's. Turtle reached new levels of suckiness as he had to act candid for the documentary on the making of Medellin. I stand by my suggestion that HBO branch out into reality television for a show called Acting School in which Jerry Ferrera and Jamie-Lynn Siegler go to, well, acting school. Because they suck.

Fellow tuber Alanna speculated that this documentary we watched was going to end up being something along the lines of Lost in La Mancha, documenting the downward spiral of Medellin. I, for one, think Medellin is going all the way. Ryan Seacrest interviewing Vincent Chase on the Oscars red carpet would be ratings gold.

And finally, most importantly, confirm or deny: Adrian Grenier/Vince in full Pablo Escobar makeup is a dead ringer for Andy Kaufman's alter ego Tony Clifton.

In Which My Parents Discover "Lost"

Amidst the summer TV doldrums burns one ray of hope - my parents have begun watching Lost on DVD. They've heard so much about it from my brother and I, and they want to stay hip, you see.

I've always found enjoyment in introducing someone to a TV show (or book, even) that I love. My parents, with all their idiosyncrasies, make this experience an especially fulfilling one. Below, please find some actual conversations I have had with my parents about season 1 of Lost.

Me: Who is your favorite character?
Mom: I like John Locke a lot. We just watched the episode with the Asians.
Me: You mean Jin and Sun?
Mom: I hate the husband!
Me: Oh, he gets better. Who else do you like?
Dad: What's up with the monster?
Me: Have you seen Locke's flashback yet?
Dad: Is the monster in it?

While watching "The Moth," Charlie's first flashback episode
Mom: Why does he keep asking Locke for his drugs? He's just going to run out anyway.
Me: Yeah, that's something you know a lot about. What a bummer it is when the drugs run out.
Mom: Oh look! He threw the drugs in the fire.
Me: Don't cry.

While watching "Confidence Man," Sawyer's first flashback episode
Me: Hot. So hot.
Dad: His body is weird.
Me (grudgingly): Yeah, he does kind of have that sloping shoulders thing.
Mom: I hate that. I don't like him anymore.
(Later)
Me: Oh, it's Sayid! Do you guys like Sayid?
Dad: Haha, I love when Sawyer calls him "Abdul!"
Me: That's... that's racist.

Hopefully, there will be much more to come.

TV Writers on Sopranos Finale

The New York Times has this interesting article in which TV writers sound off on David Chase and the last episode of The Sopranos ever. As always, David Milch, creator of Deadwood and the thus far impenetrable John From Cincinatti, offers a particularly insightful interpretation:

“It was a question of loyalty to viewer expectations, as against loyalty to the internal coherence of the materials. Mr. Chase’s position was loyalty to the internal dynamics of the materials and the characters."

Tim Kring, Heroes showrunner, said he found “the storytelling in the finale a bit disjointed, so that you lost the cause and effect of some scenes.”

I'm not surprised that the creator of a show featuring some of the most wooden characters and unnatural dialog I've witnessed doesn't understand how David Chase structures his show. I've noticed that often in the The Sopranos, the consequences of a scene do not surface immediately; characters are not always aware of their own reactions to events, which may manifest in unexpected times and places. They're psychologically complex, sometimes as mysterious to us as they are to themselves. In this way, The Sopranos is like real life.

And the ending was like real life, too, in that it doesn't stop with a shattering climax; it simply... goes on.

Primetime Battle of the Tonys- The Sopranos finale dukes it out airing against The 61st Annual Tony Awards

Last night was a huge programming dilemma for me as the 61st Annual Tony Awards went head to head with the finale of The Sopranos. Fortunately my decision was made for me by my viewing companions who did not share my unbridled passion for the theAYter ( know, crazy). However, thanks to DVR, I have seen both broadcasts and therefore feel fit to make a final call in the BATTLE OF THE TONYS (TONYS TONYS TONYS TONYS)!

::Ding:: Round 1 - Suspense

If one thing can be said for The Sopranos swan song, it is that it kept viewers on the edge of their seats. Everyone had such blood-thirsty expectations that every time Tony crunched on an al dente piece of ziti, we were all quivering and peering to see where the bullet came from. David Chase exploited our nail nibbling, depends desiring selves with what, in retrospect, I think was directing brilliance. While I could have asked for a better soundtrack (Really? We had to listen to 80 percent of a Journey song to end the series forever?), Chase showed the Soprano nuclear unit gathering, one by one, almost in slow motion. Each person passing in a car while Meadow parallel parked like she was Uncle Junior, or each person on their way to the restroom was given just enough camera time to make us think they were going to be the gunman that ended it all. That nervousness that we felt for just 5 minutes is what the Soprano clan can expect for the rest of their lives.

Meanwhile, at the Tonys Spring Awakening and The Coast of Utopia won a combined 15 out of 25 awards. Duh. Zero suspense.

ROUND ONE THE SOPRANOS!

::Ding:: Round 2- General Entertainment Value

For the male members of my dictionary definition, blue collar, New York suburban family who have watched The Sopranos religiously for doses of machismo and titties at Bada Bing, perhaps watching Phil Leotardo's head get squished by an SUV was entertaining. I covered my eyes.

Good old Uncle Paulie, however, did not disappoint. In my opinion, his visit to the kids table at dinner (where he unbottoned his pants) and claims to have seen the Virgin Mary at the Bing were priceless.

But...

The Tonys gave America the chance to fall in love with Christine Ebersole's Little Edie as she serenaded us with "Revolutionary Costume." The Tonys let an even wider
audience of America's youth move on from Rent as they saw the magic of Spring Awakening. And it was so. rewarding. to see an obviously shocked and touched David Hyde Pierce win the Tony for his role in Curtains. He thanked his partner of 24 years, which I am pretty sure he did each time he won Emmys...yet he was only openly gay as of last week. Please. Maybe David can give some advice to poor, little Mark Indelicato who has been turned into a gay icon before he has even finished puberty. Inappropriate much?

But I digress. The Tonys were a thrill and a half and chock full of beautiful moments.

ROUND TWO THE 61st ANNUAL TONY AWARDS!

::DING:: Round Three- Overall Sentimental Value

Going into last night's finale, saying goodbye to the goombahs that have entered our living rooms and hearts for the last sevens seasons was anticiated as something that was going to be hard...maybe a little sad. Instead, the show cut out so abruptly, that across America, millions were cursing their cable boxes and companies. I don't think anyone has pulled a stunt like this since Andy Kaufman (I forget the show, but he had "TV SNOW" inserted for 30 seconds, making everyone watching think their TV broke).

Conversely, the Tony Awards feel like a big family getting together again. Awww. Granted, it does appear there are lots of people crashing to date. If you are a C List celebrity that once thought about attending a Braodway show, they enlist you as a presenter in order to raise theater's profile. But then Bernadette Peters and Harvey Fierstein come out to present together, and you know all is right in the glorious clique that is the theater community.

It is also nice to have a nationally broadcasted awards show on a network known to skew old and conservative in viewers have men getting on stage and thanking their partners and husbands and supportive parents that gave them Judy Garland records when they were younger (Thanks, Michael Mayer).

ROUND THREE THE 61ST ANNUAL TONY AWARDS!

That means, according to Modus Tollens logic, The Tonys win the Primetime Battle of the Tonys. Booyah.

Link Roundup

All is quiet on the television front these days, though HBO may provide the Tubers with some material as Big Love returns and new series John from Cincinatti debuts. For now, please enjoy other people:

Matt Zoller Seitz on Deadwood's Season 3 DVD and John From Cincinatti. Like MZS, I'm excited that David Milch stuck with HBO. And even more excited to learn that Garret Dillahunt is still working with Milch. Guy's a badass.

Potty-mouthed networks triumph over the FCC in court. Thank f*cking God.

Bob Barker shuffles off this mortal coil. Just kidding! He's just retiring from his 50-year gig of hosting The Price is Right and creepily hitting on female contestants.

Wow. Fans of the post-apocalyptic drama Jericho (starring the poor man's Johnny Depp) inundated CBS with their enraged mail when they axed the show. And... CBS listened to them. The show's renewed for at least seven episodes. Does this mean I should start calling the CW, demanding they resurrect Buffy?