Aside from ending the longest reality show run in history, last night's TOP CHEF was very educational.
I learned that while Padma Lackshmi remains the hottest female specimen ever, she should stay away from live television. Bravo's got a dramatic eye in the editing room, and on the pre-recorded shows, Padma has always come off as suave and just an appropriate few notches below bitchy (they left the bitchy edits for Gail Simmons. Whew, someone has a horned cucumber up her butt). Last night, though, when Padma wasn't tripping over words, she spoke to the camera with the same juvenile inflections as Captain Kangaroo or something. I thought she was going to pull out a fake mirror and say she saw me, and Jimmy and Nancy or some shit...I learned that women really can't be chefs! After giving little girls everywhere glimmers of hope, Casey really effed up in the final elimination challenge. Come on girl! You should have shown those dudes what you were made of! Displayed your womanly talents! Diced some garlic using kegal stretches or something. Man...
And finally, I learned that Marcel from season 2 and Hung must have met in Top Chef Assholes Anonymous and fallen deeply in love. All night, when the camera cut to Marcel, you saw this deep look in his eyes...like if things didn't go his way, he was going to press the button in his shoe causing this homemade explosive of baking soda and salmon flavored foam to go off. Then when Hung was announced as Top Chef, no joke, Marcel ran up to him SO FAST and was the FIRST ONE to embrace him. There were even points where Hung's mother was standing behind him like chopped lychee while Hung and Marcel embraced. Wasn't Hung allegedly doing all this for his mom? Maybe not because last week he said something about sleeping in the kitchen while he grew up...mom must be a hardass.
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ANNNND my love affair with Kid Nation continues. As the show goes on, more kids are getting more face time, allowing me to find the town Jew. I KNEW there had to be one somewhere. His name is Eric, and I am sure he will be a usurer or something in no time.
4 comments:
Jeanette, this entry is such a tour de force of hilarity that I think I'm going to go Hung myself...
or at least continue not updating, since you're way funnier than me. What WAS up with Padma? How many times did she say they were in Chicago?
Casey, taste your fucking pork belly before you send it out. Jesus Christ, woman. You let me and all vajayjay owners down.
I am curious if Gail Simmons is being instructed to up the bitch factor so that Padma remains the likable draw of the show. The Collichio seems to have also taken off the gloves.... I'm just waiting to see him maybe actually cook something.
Tom blows. Top Chef needs to find the food equivalent of Tim Gunn. Did anyone cut a chunk of Julia Child's hair before she was buried or anything?
Can you imagine the ratings skyrocket with an Undead Julia Child as "Top Chef" host? Incredible.
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