Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Wheel of (Mis)Fortune: Pat Sajak Suicide Watch


For as long as I have been conscious, Pat Sajak has been the host of Wheel of Fortune. To me, a lifetime fan of syndicated game shows, he has served as a vanguard of comfort, a permanent, smiling fixture in the revolving door of TV personalities. He has stuck with The Wheel through its tough times. Remember in the early 80s when you did not win actual cash, but had to spend all accumlated cash in a gallery of crap-tastic prizes, including but not limited to ceramic statues of dalmatians? I do! He has stuck with The Wheel through the good times. Pat's got three Emmys for hosting and a star on the Hollywood walk of fame.

But Pat is so much more than hugs from overweight, midwestern contestants and all-inclusive trips to the Bahamas. As I recall, he has SHINED whenever filling in on Live with Regis and Kathie Lee/Kelly. He even had a taste of freedom when he hosted the short lived Pat Sajak Show for CBS, and again managed to pick through the cement wall with Pat Sajak Weekend for the Fox "News" Channel (see what I did there?!). However, the retractable umbilicle chord attaching him to The Wheel always manages to pull him back and away from the light.

Which brings me to last night's Wheel, a repeat of the first episode from its 24th season. There were not one, but two times where Pat let his guard down at looked at us, the viewers, with UTTER CONTEMPT. I can only assume Pat Sajak is not long for this world. That is why here at BoobTubers, I am starting the...

Pat Sajak Suicide Watch/Pool

Comment back with the exact date and year you think Pat will end it all, and if correct, you will, most definitely win a glorious prize.

In conclusion, here is a scene I wrote for mine and Alanna's opus, THIS SHOW BITES, a play documenting James Marsters' days at Juliard, featuring this relevant play within a play.

This Show Bites
Act I, Scene 6

The lights go up dimly to reveal a completely black environment, which is actually a stage. James sits on a stool centerstage, also dressed in black. As the lights go up, James looks up at theaudience.

Audience: A play within a play! MAAARVELOUS!

James: (dramatically) Intrigue...

A bongo drum is heard in the background.

James: Passion... Bravery... Justice... Brilliance... Charisma... Animal Attraction... I (pause)am Pat Sajak, and this (gestures to figures dressed completely in black modern dancing their way onto the stage) is my life and times.

The drums continue to play and James participates in a modern dance with the black figures during which they strike a different, limber pose for each drumbeat.

Black Figure 1: This is the second grade, Pat. What is a vowel? WHAT IS A VOWEL?

James: I don't know. I DON'T KNOW.

Figure 1: MY CURSE TO YOU IS THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ESCAPE VOWELS.

Black Figure 2 I am your illegitimate father, Pat. I am a carnie. Get on the ferris wheel. STAY ON THE FERRIS WHEEL!

James: WHY, GOD, WHY?!?!

Figure 2: MY CURSE TO YOU IS THAT THE WHEEL WILL EARN YOU YOUR BREAD!

Black Figure 3: I am your hairdresser, Pat. I will tease your hair. I WILL TEASE YOUR HAIR!

James: SWEET GOD, I HAVE A COIF!

Figure 3: MY CURSE IS THAT NO WIND, NO RAIN, NO LOVER'S GRASP WILL RELEASE YOUR HAIR FROM ITS POSE!

James: The vowels...the wheel... the HAIR. I can't do it, but I must. I embrace my calling...I am the host of a syndicated game show...

All black figures: (starting softly and increasing in volume until they are shouting) Free spin, bankrupt, LOSE A TURN. Free spin, bankrupt, LOSE A TURN. Free spin, bankrupt, LOSE A TURN!

All fall flat on the stage. The drums stop and the lights go out.

10 comments:

Patrick said...

I, too, watched the episode last night and thought Mr. Sajack looked even more defeated than normal.

I vote for May 2009. That's when Sajack goes AWOL.

I've also noticed that Mr. Trebeck has gotten quite snarky w/ his comments recently. When Jeopardy contestants get an answer wrong he's very quick to say something like, "No... reMEMber the category." Or like, "Looks like someone had their classical musicians confused..." and, "you're an asshole."

Jeanette said...

I hope you were not offended by this post. I realize it might have hit close to home what with you and Mr. Sajak sharing a first name. I guess it is up to you to do the name right.

Alanna said...

Do I smell a new recurring Boob Tubers featuring... connecting scenes from the theatrical classic "This Show Bites" to current television??

Jeanette said...

If the New Yorker can write a linked review of BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE and SCHINDLER'S LIST, I think we can do it!!!!

J.J. said...

I was with you until THIS SHOW BITES.

Remember how the top 3 network newsmen all went in succession? Maybe that'll happen now, since Barker started the trend. Expect Trebeck and Sajak to be out within two years.

You continually spell "devastation" incorrectly in your labels.

Surely you are aware of Ed Grimley Jr.

Paul said...

I'm going to go with June 15 2010. And, I must say, every time I watch the show and someone screams near him or hugs him he looks like he wants to beat them down.

Anonymous said...

I feel awful about this. I like Pat, and I don't want him to take his own life.

Anonymous said...

8-22-13

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