Quick blupdate

Just a few thoughts on TV I've watched recently...

The MTV Movie Awards: Why was this so awkward? Robert Pattinson requiring a note to remind him to thank the cast and crew of Twilight? Kiefer Sutherland fake-crying for like thirty minutes? Bruno teabagging Eminem? OK, that last one was great. But otherwise, everyone seemed vaguely uncomfortable and/or high and Andy Samberg was wasted--WASTED I TELL YOU--as host. The show also made me wonder when exactly MTV switched their target demographic. When I was a kid, and too young to be watching MTV but watching it nevertheless (thanks Mom and Dad!) the programming was skewed more toward twenty- and thirty-somethings. Today, it's tween paradise. That's the only explanation for the fact that Zac Efron and Robert "surprisingly zero charisma" Pattinson won EVERYTHING.

The House finale: Obvs I'm way late to this, but I'd love to hear theories about what's up in the good doctor's brain. I doubt he's actually suffering from something schizo-related--how could the show continue with a legitimately crazy House? Maybe the format will switch to House puttering around a padded cell doing differential diagnoses of imaginary patients with like, a muppet, the ghost of Kumar, and a talking banana. Which actually sounds amazing.

No, but it's got to be either the aftermath of his head injury from the previous season--which also hardly works because symptoms should have manifested earlier--or just way too much Vicodin, which is kind of banal but the only realistic solution.

Also, why did the psychiatric facility he ended up at look like a Victorian asylum?? Is his roommate the Marquis de Sade? I mean seriously--are there really any facilities left in the country with like, fucking ivy-covered brick and ominous signage? Aren't they all just sanitized hospital wards? Is House going to face off against Nurse Ratched?

Grandma! That was NOT NICE of you to try and assassinate Ford!

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New Shows for 09

Blah blah blah upfronts blah blah blah. Look here for a sneak preview of all new shows. What do you think?!?!

Jon and Kate Plus Alimony

Alanna and I have written the following letter to Jon and Kate in light of their recent marital troubles and the allegations thrown their way by America's favorite bitchster in law, Aunt Jodi! You should comment in order to informally sign our petition so that we get the cutest of the Gosselins for our very own.

Dear Jon and Kate,

Below please find the main reasons you should give custody of Aadan and Hannah to Alanna and Jeanette while you both work your bizarre marital difficulties out.

1) Aaden is clearly a burgeoning intellectual, and we think he'd feel more at home in Alanna's apartment, where she and her boyfriend are atheist teachers with graduate degrees who will encourage him to pursue his cerebral leanings much better than two cuckolded Christians living in rural Pennsylvania for whom eating kimchi is an exotic experience.

2) Hannah, although young, has already taken on the characteristics of a nurturing, maternal caregiver. Adorable, we're sure it's really convenient for you that she is there to kiss Joel's booboos while you're off schtooping the Silver Fox security guard, but girl needs some sense knocked into her before she ends up barefoot and pregnant with penttuplets at sixteen. So clearly, she should live with Jeanette.

3) We won't give them evil things like gum and M and Ms. We're no Aunt Jodi. (Note: this is a lie. M and Ms are a crucial part of childhood.)

4) They won't be filmed 24/7, thus giving them a better shot at not ending up having their privates photographed as they climb out of a limo to go snort coke off Jaden Federline's belly at Bungalow 8.

5) We have a weird obsession with qaud and octa ethnicitied children. Having quadrasian babies leads to the inevitable octrasian grandkids. You do not deserve this awesome privilege.

In conclusion, with only 6 children remaining, you will no longer need to buy HALF A FRIGGIN' ORGANIC COW to feed your family. Good God.

Love,
Alanna and Jeanette

Fightin' Irish

Have you guys caught Obama's speech at the Notre Dame commencement from this weekend? After making some vague comments inviting pro-lifer's to give their stance some consideration, Obama was heckled by some in-audience protestors.

Here's why this is hilarious. With this new administration, we TOTALLY have to have, like, a gestalt switch, when it comes to our mental image of protestors. Throughout the Bush administration, it's been your typical neo hippy looking liberal.

But THESE guys that yell out at Obama totally look like, well, my dad. Or, in other words, a Kennedy before he goes to the fat/detox camp they all hit up before a bout on the campaign trail. Or a Kennedy that is enough of an incumbent that he is able to let himself go again.

Watch the speech below to see what I mean. Sorry for it being Fox news, but, you know, they seem to be the ones paying this the most attention. Check out the guys around 2:46 and 4:47. The second one is practically waving his shalaly in anger. HA.

What Alex Trebek Would Call A True Potpourri

1. So I am WAY behind on my HOUSE viewing. Either I have been really busy for the past few months or just slipping into comas for long periods of time and not realizing it. If its the latter, I hope that we can make a HOUSE episode about it where it turns out the only cure for me is having sex with House...and his cane. Wait, what? Anyway, just the other night I watched the episode from 3/30/09 in which Mos Def plays the victim of trapped in syndrome and we see House and his team from a Mos Def's ailing POV. I have subsequently dubbed this episode THE DIVING HOUSE AND THE VICODIN FLY. I think when I get to the episode where Kutner kills himself, I will blog it as if I watched it in a completely timely fashion.

2. Reason 1,435 I have no soul. This kid--not even remotely adorable to me. Back me up, he's kind of an asshole, no?

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3. My two worlds of fandom are colliding, as Neil Patrick Harris is set to host the Tony's on June 7th. I should liveblog it and show you how dorky I can be. We certainly would not have the same obstacle we had last time we tried to live blog (that being an overhwelming hetero male presence).

Lost Finale Tonight!

I am pleased to announce that Lost showrunners Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof talk exactly like Jeanette and I, if this excerpt from a Washington Post interview with them is any indication:

You're going to love these true-false questions [about tonight's finale]. The first question --

Carlton: Wait, wait. Before you ask them, there's true and false and then "what's the correct evasive response."

The correct evasive response is "We decline to comment."

Damon: Or, I'd like to invent "fru."

Will we know who Jacob is before this season's finale is over?

Damon: That depends what you mean by "is."

Carlton: You'll have more information, definitely.

Damon: Let's say you'll finally be able to put up a picture of Jacob in your locker.

Will we know whether the characters on the show can change their fates, and therefore their futures, before the finale is over?

Damon: That's not even a true-or-false question.

Carlton: Basically, that's a fru.

A major character will die in the finale: true or false?

Damon and Carlton: Fru.

This is going nowhere.

Here at the Boob Tubers, we LOVE making up fake compound words and phrases. For instance, Jeanette and I often attend "double freetures"--that is, we go to Union Square and pay for one movie and then sneak into another immediately afterward. This makes for an especially good day if both films are "talkers," by which we mean entertaining crap we can mock aloud for two hours.

So I'm thrilled that two other complete dorks who think their made-up words are hilarious, to the point of repeating them over and over to no one else's amusement, are doing so well. This gives me hope that Jeanette and I will soon have a breakthrough with our own magnum opus, the eminent play This Show Bites.

This blog has nothing to do with Sawyer but I'll put a photo of him here anyway in honor of the dream I had last night in which I was rehearsing a sex scene with him. Miles watched.

So in the dream I was pretty much Kate here.

Lostie in Trouble

Henry Ian Cusick, who plays Desmond on Lost, is being sued by a former ABC employee for sexual harassment.

According to the employee, Cusick "allegedly squeezed and placed his face on the plaintiff's breasts, kissed her on the mouth, and caressed the back of her body while making moaning sounds."

Lovely! I assume he gave a muffled shout from betwixt the victim's decolletage that "I'M DOING IT FOR MY HONOR, PENNAY!"

But seriously folks, it's well-known that Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros were both booted from the show some seasons ago because they were arrested for drunk driving. If Lost has such a stringent zero-tolerance policy, I hope they apply it to Cusick as well. I admit this is mostly because I find his character extremely irritating and unnecessary, not because I have a soul.

In fact, just to illustrate how awful I am, here's a GChat I had with Jeanette about this:

me: is it wrong that i find the description of the harassment kind of hilarious
Jeanette: ummm anyone who does anything like that without anything that can be construed as consent
is the man
me: hahahah seriously
like just shoving his face in her boobs
hilar
Jeanette: boobs are so great, I get it
me: i think so too
ive had the urge many times to burrow into yours without your consent
wait what
Jeanette: DO IT
me: NEXT TIME I SEE YOU
ITS BOOB SCUBA

What You're Doing Tonight at Midnight

Or at least what your DVR is doing.

Friend of The Boob Tubers Kara Klenk is making her cable television debut in the Spike TV series MoCap, LLC. Kudos to the gang for making the transition from webseries to real TV. What that means is now maybe their grandparents will actually understand how to watch them. If you've also ever wanted to see Kara and the rest of the hilarious cast as cartoons, go here. check out a preview below, then check out the show. Word.



My, our little Kara has come a long way since the days of the Streetwalkers, eh...?

I am gay for The Wire

So, obvs I'm way behind on this, but I've been watching The Wire, and it really is pee-your-pants good. I'm so absorbed in the show that last night I had this weird meta-dream in which I was telling Jimmy McNulty that he should really start watching The Wire. Hokay!

I realize that drooling in this way just makes me even more of a bourgeois whitey cliche than ever, but SO BE IT.

To that end, I'm recommending that admirers of charismatic gay thugs AND those who have no idea what I'm talking about all watch Bill Moyers' interview with showrunner David Simon for a healthy dose of satisfyingly blunt social criticism and unchecked earnestness. And also, please keep in mind that it's all in the game.

Hey, this looks fun! Come to this party! A good time + networking/job opportunities in entertainment + a good cause = BE THERE

CE OH NO!

I feel like I haven't watched television in EIGHT YEARS. What's wrong with me?

In this economy (TM)*, perhaps no public figure has been more ubiquitous than the now equally dreaded/pitied CEO. Ed Liddy gives out tax payer, bailout money as bonuses to AIG big wigs. For Shame. Obama asks Rick Wagoner to step down as chairman and CEO of General Motors. For double shame!

Enough finger wagging at Ed and Rick, though. I'm calling out someone else who has put himself in the public eye: Domino's CEO David Brandon. If you've ever been in the position of wanting to order a pizza in my presence any time past midnight in a city that is not New York, you've heard it before: every slice saves a fetus. While Domino's never went on the record with this slogan, it was the truth at least for as long as founder and CEO Tom Monaghan was in charge. Monaghan's blatant ties to the Catholic Church and his subsequent biases were a disturbing part of his business model post his late eighties "religious awakening," and jaw dropping amounts of Domino's profits were donated to pro-life causes. For the best account I have ever seen as to how creepy this shiznit really is, check out this New Yorker article from two years ago. HE BUILT A SEGREGATED CATHOLIC TOWN for Christ's sake--little to no pun intended.

While David Brandon may be in charge now, this choice in successor has done little to change the company's politics; the red phone with the direct line to the Vatican may not be in the CEO office anymore, but the Republican party ties certainly are. Which is why it's kind of gross to see this, what I am assuming is merely an abused platform for Brandon's expected 2010 gubernatorial run:


So as to not be a total downer, I will balance this criticism with a president/CEO who was adorably capable of speaking for his company. Jim Perdue, of Perdue Chicken, has that Benjamin Button charm to him, and also is the spitting image of Shermie, the imaginary friend I had for the first three years of my life. What a rapscallion!




*Seriously, someone must have gotten the rights to this phrase by now. It is UNAVOIDABLE.

House 5x20: "Simple Explanation"

Don't read any further if you didn't watch yet and don't want to be spoiled. I say this as though there are tons of people reading this blog, ha!

The previews had me thinking that last night's House was going to be a Very Special Episode™, so I was only half paying attention during the first several minutes, which made Foreman and 13's discovery all the more abrupt and unsettling.

I certainly didn't expect Kutner to die, and upon learning he had, I certainly didn't expect it to be from a suicide. I think the most deft and sort of meta aspect of this episode was that viewers' reactions mirrored the characters': utter confusion and denial.

From reading some message boards at Television Without Pity, I found that many viewers were extremely angry and disgusted with the way Kutner's death was handled. There were many pronouncements of "Fuck you, show" and "I'm not watching anymore," which, that level of vitriol directed at a television show when there are all sorts of outrageous things happening out here in real life--kind of absurd. But others made the critique that Kutner's suicide was a contrived way to pull the heartstrings and make an Emmy bid.

I'm sure the spectre of a possible Emmy win is always looming over showrunners, but I disagree that this was a contrivance. This was possibly the biggest infusion of reality that an often bordering-on-sci-fi show has ever had, which is perhaps what made it so jarring: it's not just realistic, it is real. Can we ever really understand why someone has made a decision to end his or her life? Sometimes there are what we think of as "signs," sometimes there aren't, but it's always incomprehensible to those left behind.

13 mentioned that with 25% of suicides, there are no outward signs. House disagreed: for 25%, their so-called friends and loved ones were simply too self-absorbed to notice what was going on. House, of course, would say this: his reliance on rationality and logic has a near-religious intensity. The show has emphasized, over and over, that pretty much the one thing keeping House from succumbing to his own misery is his passion--and singular talent--for solving puzzles. Perhaps the saddest aspect of the episode for me was House's insistence that Kutner had been murdered, since there was no explanation for why he'd kill himself; this was a childlike denial of not only Kutner's tragic death, but the truth that we are all essentially mysteries to each other. Human beings ultimately can't be puzzled out. It will be interesting to see how this realization resonates for House throughout the rest of the season.

And if you're interested, check out this interview with actor Kal Penn: apparently his reason for leaving the show is that he's going to work for Obama! Kudos to him for leaving an extremely profitable job to dedicate himself to public service--seems like quite an unusual decision.

Guest Blog: Jonathan on The Bad Girls Club

Please give a warm welcome to Jonathan, my partner in aspiring writerdom (and in bed). -Alanna

Watching the Oxygen Network’s “Bad Girls Club” the other night I had a minor epiphany.

All season I’ve found myself wondering what Tiffany is doing in the house with the other girls––each of the rest of whom regularly (glibly, defiantly –– it would almost seem proudly) seizes upon pretty much every opportunity to manifest her own variety of Bad—while Tiffany comes across as sort of decent.

Granted, as advertised (and emphasized excessively in promotional spots), she does have a bit of a temper, and evinces a general disinclination to suffer fools gladly or otherwise. But the critical distinction seems to be that, unlike her housemates, when Tiffany gets angry it’s not simply because she isn’t getting what she momentarily happens to want. She doesn’t seem to be governed exclusively by her passions.

Or maybe what I mean to say—since I doubt she has any sort of superhuman control over the source of her emotions—is that her behaviors don’t fluctuate straightforwardly with her moods; her actions aren’t stark translations of whatever she happens to be feeling. She thinks before she acts.

And maybe even this rational component to her behavior isn’t what I’m really interested in (after all, most of the other girls use their solo interviews to develop strident rational justifications for the parts they’ve played in a given episode’s mayhem) so much as the way she appears to think things through—the ideological or moral framework within which she seems consistently willing to assess her own position.

Not only is Tiffany the sole resident of the Bad Girl house apparently able to conceive of herself as a single moving part in a whole interpersonal network of variously competing passions and wants (rather than as the imperial nexus at its center), but she’s one of very few people I can think of off the top of my head who seem to give a genuine shit about anyone other than themselves.

Tiffany has a capacity—or maybe it’s an ingrained mechanism she can’t escape; in practice, though, does this really make a difference?—for genuine other-orientedness. She’s somehow able to resist the ubiquitous initial impulse in the face of a thwarted desire to find somebody to blame, to convert the tension that will inevitably arise between people who happen to want different things into a melodramatic saga of Good vs. Evil, with the latter category stretching to encompass anyone who fails to see things precisely my way, or, worse, stands between me and whatever it is I happen to want.

I.e. she’s apparently the only Bad Girl willing to step outside of a moral framework that essentially amounts to “Fuck them other bitches”—even when it means taking honest stock of her own behaviors. Time and again I’ve watched Tiffany withdraw from a heated (typically profanity-laden and variously-shatter-prone-Household-article-flying) Bad Girl interchange to attempt a disinterested assessment of the internal forces that might be motivating her initial response. And if she doesn’t like what she sees, she attempts to change the way she’s behaving—sometimes going so far as to apologize for an action she’s come to regret.

Is this just manipulative editing intended to add an intriguingly incongruous ethical layer to an otherwise unrelenting parade of vapidity? Could be. And of course I’m aware that the moral feature I’ve kind of laboriously pointed out here is the sort of vintage Do-unto-others-as-you-would-&c. stuff of Sunday School sessions that everyone has had hammered repeatedly (albeit ineffectually) into him/her at some point, sure.

But how often do you see people genuinely trying to think about what someone else might be thinking/feeling/wishing/wanting/&c.—particularly if this honest accounting might lead to wounded pride or inconvenience or real discomfort or some other form of unpleasantness for them?

Probably my biggest problem as an aspiring human, or at least the one I’m thinking of as I write this, is that I’ve never really outgrown a childish yearning for a moral cosmos that’s pretty much directly antithetical to the way humans actually behave. I like to imagine a world in which at the very least a few scattered heroes can act in Atticus Finchian accordance with principles that reach farther than the borders of their immediate self-interest. And if I’m able to catch even a glimpse of such a world in the Grand Guignol of Post-Millennial American Reality TV, then, well, I don’t know:
maybe there’s cause for a little hope.

Vampire High!

Apparently it was necessary for officials at the Latin School in Boston to come forward and explain the fancy-pants school is not, in fact, experiencing a vampire infestation. As a Gawker commenter wisely observed, this is what happens when teenagers get their hands on all seven seasons of Buffy.

Next thing you know, students will be reporting classmates becoming invisible, devil dogs invading prom, and their graduation speaker turning into a giant snake. I can't wait to see the naysaying press release for each of those. The explanation will probably entail gangs on PCP.

Obama's Predix

I am rather tickled that Obama took the time to complete his own bracket for the NCAA tournament. Hey President Hope, how the whole economy thing going?

Lost 5x8: "LaFleur"

I found last night's episode of Lost particularly delicious because it was heavy on the Sawyer. But it was also an interesting experiment in several ways: a deviation from the show's recently action-y, time travel-y, format in which everyone is completely miserable and suffers from intermittent nose bleeds.

Brief recap: The episode begins with Locke disappearing into the well. There's a flash and a glimpse of a huge statue that some viewers think closely resembles Horus. That, coupled with the hieroglypics that would pop up back in the old button-pushing days, and Richard's apparent agelessness, makes me wonder if there's some kind of Egyptian mythology at work here.

There's one final flash, and our intrepid time travellers realize that that was the last one: Locke has succeeded. And where did the flash take them to? Why, the time of delightful muttonchop sideburns, giant collars, and groovy records: the 70s!

With Jack and Locke gone, Sawyer can finally run shit. He ably insinuates his crew in with the Dharma Initiative and even negotiates a difficult truce-breaking situation with Other Leader Richard, AKA Guyliner, AKA possibly the Egyptian god Ra. (My dumb theory.) Three years go by, in which Sawyer becomes Jim LaFleur, head of Dharma Security, all-around nice guy, and extremely schmoopy for Juliet, with whom he now lives. They seem like a really functional, happy couple, which means that as soon as they're reunited with the Oceanic 6 (which begins to happen at the episode's very end) Kate "Life Ruiner" Austen will promptly ruin their lives.

What intrigued me most about this episode was what it reveals about a philosophy that seems highlighted often on Lost: the power that comes with the possession of information; namely, the possession of MORE information than the other guy. Having hopped, skipped, and jumped through time, Sawyer & Co. have been privy to myriad aspects of the island's history that, to the folks comfortably settled in a linear time frame, they couldn't POSSIBLY know without some kind of amazing god-like abilities. Sawyer blows Richard's mind when he mentions the bomb they buried and Locke's appearance 20 years before, and by doing so diverts the Others and the Dharma Initiative from an all-out battle. It was a neat role reversal to see the Losties fucking with the Others' heads, instead of vice versa. And it also brings up interesting questions about where the Others got all their information that they used to torment the Losties with frequently throughout seasons 1-3.

Another nice touch: Sawyer names himself LaFleur, and the flower he gives Juliet after she successfully delivers a Dharma woman's baby seems emblematic of key personality changes: would he ever think to demonstrate respect and congratulations for something Kate did? No, they would just gripe at each other and be in a stupid love triangle with Jack. I don't think I will enjoy her return.

Oops, Racism! / T.I.

Happy President's Day! In honor of the holiday, I'm going to deviate briefly from the topic of television. (Really, more like, in honor of the hilarious racism I just noticed while reading the Times this morning.)

So, this article by Jonathan "Stereotypey" Miles is about a speakeasy-style bar that just opened in Harlem. The tiredness of speakeasy-style bars aside, Mr. Jones commits what I consider a major gaffe when he explains the type of cocktails made by the general manager, Kali Irwin:

In a neighborhood more inclined toward Hypnotiq and Hennessy drinks, Ms. Irwin has laid down a classical gauntlet: old-fashioneds, a Pisco Sour, a Sazerac and puckish riffs on other pre-Prohibition cocktails.

Phew! Thank God that this wondrous little bar, despite its awful location, has managed to resist the urge of hip hop culture in its drink concoctions!

Oy. I mean, really Miles: are we to believe you've even ventured inside most Harlem bars?

And while we're on the subject of hip hop culture, I just want to mention my complex feelings toward MTV's show T.I.'s Road to Redemption. How absurd that we're supposed to believe T.I. is truly seeking redemption for his purchase of illegal machine guns through filmed hours of community service. As though he's not like, "Hey, maybe I can avoid jail AND be on TV! Win-win!" No, he probably doesn't talk like that.

Anyway, the complexity comes in for me because I also find T.I. completely adorable:


WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA? T.I., do community service for me! Like, I'm sure if you volunteer to be my personal trainer at the gym or whatever, it totally counts.

What Could Have Been

I have known for some time now that, other than Paul, the best man for me would be my high school English teacher. He made no effort to hide his favoritism for me throughout senior year, and now that my opportunity to take advantage has come and gone, I sit here reading what he wrote in my yearbook. To me, it pretty much reads jump my bones. What do you think? Humor me.

Dear Satan Cake,

I enjoyed having you in class and reading better than any student. Some of them grew tired of your voice but what can I say about dopes. You are a wonderful person--intelligent, funny and talented. Hope you enjoy [insert name of college attended] and please return to the pit to visit me next year so we can make fun of your college professors.

Take care,
[insert name of most awesome man alive]

P.S. I'm also glad that you have strong ideas and you are not reluctant to slam people with them.

See?! Calls me a pet name (based on the fact that I read Milton's PARADISE LOST out loud to the class, at his request). And look at that P.S. He LOVES that I am a huge bitch.

I half want to post his name. I'm sure he googles himself, and I'm doubly sure that once he knows I LURVE him he will call. Or comment.

To keep things on topic, enjoy this hilarious parody of the NY Times weekender commercials, which he would love, brought to you by the genius minds of Stella:

Lack of Discipline Tubers

Well, ya got us, liveblogging. It was hard to keep up with background noise and masculine pheromones being emitted. We stopped once we saw that we were writing about things that had NOTHING to do with football or commercials. So what'd you miss? Someone actually used the word alacrity in football commentary, I ordered the Roethlis Burger at least once every twenty minutes, and one of those teams won.

In summation, this commercial was good:


This commercial was offensive:


And this commercial features character actor and buddy of mine, Joe Narciso, so let's give him the obvious career boost that exposing him to our readers will grant:

Super Bowl Liveblogging

6:45 PM: Soooo I guess liveblogging is going to be difficult because there are dudes who actually care about sports here who are blocking the television right now. Also. please attribute the delay to our cooking of buffalo wings to feed said men. Yay feminism!!!

6:46 PM: (Jeanette) Whenever I see defensive football players with long hair or dreds running down the field, I think they look like orcs from Lord of the Rings. I hope that doesn't make me racists. since most of these guys are black.

6:51 PM: Wow this Conan Bud Light commercial looks really funny, but all we got out of it was what we could see, which is to drink responsibly. We can't hear ANYTHING!

6:53 PM: Maybe we would hear the commercials if the guys were not talking about how it is every girl's fantasy to be raped. Apparently it was in the NY Times magazine next week.

6:56 PM: I guess you don't need to be able to hear what's going on to wager on whether or not John Madden is going to have a coronary throughout the course of this game.

6:57 PM: Apparently when given the choice, one should use an Atlantic Monthly to roll a joint over Harper"s.

6:59: (Jeanette) Earlier, Josh posed the question of how many restaurants in the Pittsburgh area did we think would be offering Rothels Burgers on their menus. At least once every twenty minutes since, I have said, "I'll have the Rothels Burger, please."

7:01: (Alanna) I just asked Jeanette what Rothels is, so clearly I am vastly unqualified to write about football. I can vaguely hear commercials in the background, but mostly I am concerned with what's being rolled over the Atlantic Monthly.

7:02: Apparently it was a car commercial because now the guys are talking about how women can't drive. I DON'T LIKE BEING OUTNUMBERED BY PENISES. More vagina, less penis.

7:03: What would happened if we put the Puppy Bowl on RIGHT NOW?!

7:10 PM: Why horses for Budweiser commercials? According to Josh, horses like shitty beer.

7:12 PM: Damn, that unruly bearded Cardinals player looks like an animal. Again, according to Josh, this is product placement from Geico, where they are getting players that look like cavemen. Maybe Josh should be doing this blog.

7:19: NO ONE IS WATCHING FOOTBALL. Everyone is waiting to see if Catticus is going to eat her visitor, Tami and Marisa's 13 year old cat. THIS IS THE REAL COMPETITION.

7:23: Due to the fact that no one cares anyway and that it's too loud to hear anything, how about we just post commercials tomorrow. We'll be back for the kitten half time show. Maybe.

VAGINA SHAPED GOAL POSTS

That is something that would make it a more feminine super bowl. Or...

How about Alanna and me liveblogging it!

Tune in this Sunday as we bring you a play by play of every...commercial.

We'll try to incorperate some of the sporting action, too, but sorry if we don't speak penis too well. Our frustration might make the coverage morph into full time coverage of the 5th annual PUPPY BOWL! on Animal Planet, complete with kitten half time show.

This advertisement brought to you by the enforcement of gender stereotypes.

Shitznit to Watch Tonight and a Fun Fact

At 9 PM EST on ABC, some of Sesame Street's finest muppets will be visiting the cast of SCRUBS. I wonder if they will be the ones to break it to Zack that he massacres the "Show, don't tell" rule of screenwriting with everything he does. I think Oscar has it in him.



Also at 9 PM EST on TLC, the Duggars embark on season two of 17 KIDS & COUNTING. I think if you taped baby lynching and put it on the air for an hour, it would come across more ethically than this family's appreciation for women. Those poor teen girls have no choices other than staying home and taking care of the shit ton of kids that their PARENTS chose to have. And did you HEAR Jim Bob's speech to Josh on his wedding day? Basically it was like, you're going to want to bone, but you're wife is going to want to be all like blah blah blah, so if you listen to her, you'll get to bone.

Stay tuned to TLC for the premiere of TODDLERS AND TIARAS. Why do these people who are into pageants agree to be on these shows? Don't they realize that people only watch to make fun of them? I can't wait to watch tonight and see a two year old get a spray tan. HAWT.

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Also, did anyone know that Frank Langella, 2008 Academy Award nominee for best actor after portraying Richard Nixon in FROST/NIXON also portrayed SKELETOR!?!?! in the 1987 film HE MAN: MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE?! That is so hilarious to me. I am about as shocked as when I found out that SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!

The Real World Gets Quasi Real

I know I am three episodes late on talking about this of THE REAL WORLD, which took place over the summer in Brooklyn. Some thoughts...

-How lovely to see MTV not just reaching into their sack of smoking hot drunks straight out of central casting. For the first time in a long time, we have a cast of diverse and somewhat subsitive characters. That being said...

-Watching the cast members' get-to-know-you antics was a sorry, sad reminder of how old I am. I witnessed them have forced conversations about sexuality and relationship statuses within MOMENTS of knowing each other and thought about how no mature adults ever do that. FLASHING LIGHTS! Such an observation makes me one of those mature adults. For the first year ever, I AM EVEN TOO OLD TO APPLY TO BE ON THE REAL WORLD! I remember watching the very first seasons of THE REAL WORLD, where cultural references went over my head, and I wondered if I would ever be like these grown-ups one day. But now, nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower.*

-I would like to highlight cast member Ryan. I like to refer to him as Catch 22, because either liking or hating this guy makes you a douche. You want to give him props. He was in the military and served in Iraq and is also a fairly talented musician. AWESOME. But then he does things like go on a gay witch hunt, trying to out all of his housemates as possible. I think he even implied the hot tub might be gay. NOT AWESOME. In the end I will like him for his hilarious pranks and faces, and criticize him for bringing along untalented friends who suggest that he play songs about tampons in what could be otherwise legitimate business meetings.

-I was pumped to see what bars would be lucky enough to land the sweet deal of being the housemates' local haunts. So far, they seem to have made return trips to Pete Wentz's east village douch factory Angels and Kings. But I squealed with glee** this week when they ventured into MY neighborhood and went to Matchless.

What's your favorite season of THE REAL WORLD. Mine is Boston. Below, please find a video montage set to some rockingly appropriate late 90s music that someone made to honor the Boston castmates. I really never got the mentality of people that took fandom to the level where they would do something like this, but I guess I shouldn't complain, as it has given me something to share with you all.





*Do I get bonus points for incorperating Wordsworth into a reality television blog?
**I probably didn't squeal with glee

Lost Realizations

Having watched a solid three hours of Lost last night (the hour-long recap show, and the two-hour season premiere), I've made some discoveries about the show on a sort of meta level. Here they are, in convenient bullet list form.

• Lost is now hardcore sci-fi, but probably always was. It seems now that the show is all about time travel, but I think there were consistent, strong hints throughout the previous four seasons that this is the case. Just the fact that four entire seasons only equaled 108 days never quite sat right with a lot of fans, and I think actually pointed to the fact that time functions differently on the island than in the rest of the world. And last season's introduction of quantum physicist Daniel Faraday (Jeremy Davies, who apparently has a contract with all of Hollywood to only play neurotic eggheads, a la Jeff Goldblum) was further confirmation. In TV land, quantum physics ALWAYS means freaky supernatural hijinks, as opposed to, like, the really dry study of physical systems.
  
• There are only "A MILLION UNANSWERED QUESTIONS" if you are completely idiotic about the way that TV storytelling works. That is, when there is heavy-handed foreshadowing, or ridiculously portentous dialogue, the savvy viewer knows how to make pretty good educated guesses. Like last night, in the first hour, producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse said something along the lines of, "Sun thinks Jin is dead because she saw him on the freighter that blew up." THIS MEANS JIN IS ALIVE. It should not be an "unanswered question." Same goes for Jack asking Ben if Locke is really dead, and Ben's non-answer. LOCKE IS NOT DEAD. So scratch those off your lists, annoying fans.
• There is too much Hurley. The producers called him "the heart of the show," which I guess is what you have to say about less-attractive but intermittently-amusing characters. But I really didn't need all that time in hour two of the premiere to be spent on Hurley and his father, Cheech, bumbling around trying to figure out what to do with comatose Sayid. It's annoying and does little to further the plot, which really is what interests me now. That and Sawyer's inability to find a shirt.
  
• The time travel thing is kind of unsustainable. It was cool for the first two hours, but if the rest of the season is spent sending the islanders hopping, skipping, and jumping through time, it's going to become kind of a headache. I suspect that a lot of plot lines will start getting tied up at a much faster pace this season than in seasons past.

Anyone else out there have a Lost breakthrough?? Share. That, or talk about how Benjamin Button really isn't that amazing and why did it get infinity Oscar nominations?!?

A Top Chef/Heroes Crossover?

Tom Colicchio is a hero! According to E! Online:

While most celebs were spending the days leading to the inauguration partying around Washington, D.C., Top Chef chieftain Tom Colicchio was busy saving lives.

The reality-show judge and all-star restaurateur came to the rescue of a fellow foodie Monday night at the Art. Food. Hope benefit. The event, which featured attendees like Bob Woodward, Carl Bernstein and Rachel Maddow, was hosted by cookbook author Joan Nathan (The New American Cooking).

As originally reported on the Internet Food Association blog, Colicchio was cornered by Top Chef fans peeved by last week's elimination, when another famed chef, Alice Waters, frantically began calling for help. Nathan was choking on a piece of chicken.

And that's when Colicchio sprang into action.

He deftly performed the Heimlich maneuver, dispatching the chicken and saving Nathan.

It's so awesome to see that with all the crazy, medical technology we have today (anyone hear if Obama has done anything about stem cells yet?) that the Heimlich, which sounds like something convicted to death at Nuremberg, is still relevant. One time, a chef from the Dublin restaurant Gallagher's Boxty House saved my little sister's life with the Heimlich. We feld kind of bad since his food really sucked.

Tune in tonight to congratulate the hero and watch TOP CHEF on Bravo. Perhaps more importantly, tune in to send Carla good vibes. Ariane was kicked off last week, so apparently it's time to get rid of the nice, older ladies. Carla is the main reason I watch, ever since Vivian pointed out weeks ago that she bears a striking resemblance in appearance and demeanor to Myrtle Urkel, Steve Urkel's cousin played by the incomparable Jaleel White in Drag. See for yourself...



Hoody!

I wonder if Alanna will finish jizzing in her pants in time to give everyone a LOST recap tomorrow. My money is on red...what?

Videos. You watch them. Very Nice

HEY watch this videos.

The first is Pat and Carolyn expertly trolling the red carpet at last night's event celebrating Oxygen now airing past cycles of AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. I think Jaslene might have taken some lessons with Henry Higgins or something; she sounds less Helen Keller and more Helen...a Bonham Carter? I think I stretched too far for symmetry there...


The second is a video of mine and Vivian's cats, who are REALLY excited for the pending release of the Notorious B.I.G biopic. Especially Teagan, because she's so gangsta.

SimulCATS in Simulcast: Episode 2 from Quailhead on Vimeo.

GG Chat!

Dan of As Little As Possible and I had a GChat for the duration of the Golden Globes last night. I was really cranky because I've been sick for about a gazillion days, too sick to move or bone my boyfriend, and the crankier I am the funnier, apparently. Actually, this makes sense: think about the most depressed person you know. Aren't they kind of hilar? Like, don't you kind of hope they never start taking anti-depressants, just so they can stay bitter and snarky? So yeah. Some highlights:

me: jeremy piven, shouldn't you be in bed with your MERCURY POISONING

Danny: HAHAHA

me: he's such a fake faker

word in NYC is that he just wanted out of his play

keep saying clever stuff so i can make this my golden globes blog post

Danny: he's a loser

i will

i just talked to wilkinson on the phone last week

he's a cool guy

me: did you ask him how the scenery tasted in "in the bedroom"?


re: Anna Paquin on True Blood

me: she is so terrible on a terrible show

Danny: is she really that bad?

me: yes

like she forgot how to act

the only good thing about that show is the theme song

Danny: i heard there's nudity, though

so i want to see it

me: its seriously unbearable

and i love vampires

that's how bad it is

Danny: i heard it was good

hmm

i want to see the sex

me:yeah so true blood, every episode is like "VAMPIRES ARE A METAPHOR FOR OPPRESSED MINORITIES JUST IN CASE YOU FORGOT"

and the southern accents are so so bad

and the writing

that show is like

alan ball forgot how to write, and anna paquin forgot how to act

Danny: ouch

me: more like TRUE AMNESIA

Danny: well i won't rush it to the netflix

or TRUE--*FALSE*

me: brad pitt looks like "i... don't... understand"

he's dumb as a wallDanny: is he?

me:

so i hear

come on, can't you imagine how easily angelina manipulates him

and he's just like, earnestly, "Yeah, that sounds super fun!"

then he has seven kids

Danny: ha!

me: what terrible timing for "confessions of a shopaholic"

Danny: i know right

me: haha i'm glad

i hate movies like that

sex and the city too

Danny: i just communicated your comment to the room and people laughed

i laughed

me: CONSUUUUUUUUUUUME

WOMEN LIKE TO CONSUMMMMMME

haha yah

Danny: i just consumed the shit out of some pasta

Danny: OH MY GOD JESSICA LANGE'S FACE?

Danny: did she come straight from a housefire??

me: this guy doesn't do it for me

gerard butler

Danny: weird voice

me: although i'm always impressed by scottish accents

because they seem hard to have

Danny: yeah

and baldwin's not funny in the speech?

how can that be

boring

me: yeah boo

be funny

you're all performing seals

award = fish

balance a ball on your nose at least

Danny:

what would you do if you won an award like that?

me: probably shove the award up my butt


re: Jeanette's attraction to Paul Giamatti:

Danny: like, does she want to bone him?

is she sexually attracted to him?

me: she really is

Danny: like she imagines herself having sex with him?

me: yes

Danny: how is that

how does that come to be

me: i think there's a last minute mutation in the womb


re: Clint Eastwood watching Steven Spielberg's speech:

me: clint's like, shut this guy up. i want to get back to work.

me: he's such a machine!

Danny: clint's like, "i have pieces of guys like him in my stool"

me: hahahahahahahhaa


More Clint:

me: spike lee was complaining that flags of our fathers should have had black characters

and basically accused him of racism

Danny: ah

me: and clint's response was, "a guy like that should shut his face"

Danny: seriously???

phenom

me: yeah i know

did you see gran torino

Danny: no but i want to

me: its so great, seriously

Danny: subtitle "Get off My Lawn"

Danny: well the show really picked up at the end

me: i guessssDanny: fleh

Dream Men

30 ROCK is back tonight on its quest to become more than a critic's and smart people audience's darling. HELP IT OUT, FOLKS, AND TUNE IN!

I, for one, am thrilled to see Peter Dinklage as Liz Lemon's love interest starting on tonight's episode. I once had a dream in which Peter Dinklage was hot in pursuit of me, actually. We were in a pony-riding ring when this happened, and I nicely turned him down. I think this dream occurred sometime after his season on NIP TUCK.

In honor of my little person lover's guest starring stint on a show that churns out guest starring Emmy nominees like an Amish girl does butter, I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, television celebrities I have also had (embarrassingly) intimate dreams about.

1. Kelsey Grammar- One of my first dreams of an intimate nature, this one was very straightforward. I was on top, looked down, and thought...gross. He didn't even make me tossed salad and scrambled eggs afterwards. Har har har.

2. Jack Osbourne- I am hard pressed to count this one because in my dream, I was actually somebody else. I have heard that if you are able to dream that you're somebody else, you're clinically insane.

3. Seth Rogen- This one was also straightforward and, in my dream, happened right after a birthday party for my sister. Seth and I ALMOST had a round two in dreamland recently. We were both high school exchange students studying in Japan. We were trying to get weed together and I saw where it was going and stopped it. In reality, though, I wouldn't turn Seth down.

4. Josh Radnor- In this dream, there was no intercourse. Actually, Josh Radnor just gave me a really strong and satisfying hug as he told me he would rather sleep with Charlize Theron. I get it, Josh. I would probably have made the same choice.

I THINK MY MOM WILL LOVE READING THIS ENTRY MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE.

Summer Heights High

What's that you ask, Alanna? What did I watch over the Holidays? I WILL TELL YOU.

I give an incredibly hearty endorsement to SUMMER HEIGHTS HIGH, and encourage all with HBO on demand to watch all 8 episodes. (You can do it in one day. It's like, the same amount of time as seeing BENJAMIN BUTTON.)

I had never seen any of Chris Lilley's work before, but am now itching to see it all. Chris writes and stars in SUMMER, playing 3 characters over the course of one term in an Australian public school. There is Jamie (pronounced Jah-MAY), a privileged private school "year 11" visiting for the term, Jonah, a behaviorally challenged "year 8" and "Poly" (Polynesian), and Mr. G., the school's stereotypical drama teacher.

Chris' portrayals are absurdly humorous in appearance, as he is an average sized thirty something SEAMLESSLY pulling off a 16 year old girl and 13 year old boy in school uniforms. But once you look past the wolf in obvious sheep's clothing aspect, what makes the show equal parts hilarious and poignant is the seemingly real people casting of the teachers and students surrounding the 3 main players. They make Jonah's plights with discipline in particular borderline tear jerking come the last episode.

Australia is the new Britain when it comes to comedy exports for sure. Chris Lilley and Tim Minchin are both national treasures of epic proportions.

Lost-ticipation

Apparently I'm so excited about the imminent season 5 premiere of Lost that last night I had a dream I was watching it, but to my dismay it was devoid of Sawyer. Fortunately, according to dorkfest blog io9, he will be around, AND shirtless, for the entire 47 minute first episode.

Other than that, I watched a lot of dumb shit over the holidays, including Storm of the Century, a 1999 miniseries written by Stephen King. It's quite possibly the slowest-moving thriller in the world but I enjoyed the Kingian Manichean ethics on display toward the end. That's right, I just busted out a reference to Gnosticism in a TV blog. And in other Stephen King news, there's going to be a made-for-TV Children of the Corn remake, because... we really need that? Yes, definitely.

What did you watch over your holiday break?

Watch out, honey! There's a metaphorical severe weather pattern approaching!