Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Jon and Kate Plus Alimony

Alanna and I have written the following letter to Jon and Kate in light of their recent marital troubles and the allegations thrown their way by America's favorite bitchster in law, Aunt Jodi! You should comment in order to informally sign our petition so that we get the cutest of the Gosselins for our very own.

Dear Jon and Kate,

Below please find the main reasons you should give custody of Aadan and Hannah to Alanna and Jeanette while you both work your bizarre marital difficulties out.

1) Aaden is clearly a burgeoning intellectual, and we think he'd feel more at home in Alanna's apartment, where she and her boyfriend are atheist teachers with graduate degrees who will encourage him to pursue his cerebral leanings much better than two cuckolded Christians living in rural Pennsylvania for whom eating kimchi is an exotic experience.

2) Hannah, although young, has already taken on the characteristics of a nurturing, maternal caregiver. Adorable, we're sure it's really convenient for you that she is there to kiss Joel's booboos while you're off schtooping the Silver Fox security guard, but girl needs some sense knocked into her before she ends up barefoot and pregnant with penttuplets at sixteen. So clearly, she should live with Jeanette.

3) We won't give them evil things like gum and M and Ms. We're no Aunt Jodi. (Note: this is a lie. M and Ms are a crucial part of childhood.)

4) They won't be filmed 24/7, thus giving them a better shot at not ending up having their privates photographed as they climb out of a limo to go snort coke off Jaden Federline's belly at Bungalow 8.

5) We have a weird obsession with qaud and octa ethnicitied children. Having quadrasian babies leads to the inevitable octrasian grandkids. You do not deserve this awesome privilege.

In conclusion, with only 6 children remaining, you will no longer need to buy HALF A FRIGGIN' ORGANIC COW to feed your family. Good God.

Alanna and Jeanette

No comments: