VAGINA SHAPED GOAL POSTS

That is something that would make it a more feminine super bowl. Or...

How about Alanna and me liveblogging it!

Tune in this Sunday as we bring you a play by play of every...commercial.

We'll try to incorperate some of the sporting action, too, but sorry if we don't speak penis too well. Our frustration might make the coverage morph into full time coverage of the 5th annual PUPPY BOWL! on Animal Planet, complete with kitten half time show.

This advertisement brought to you by the enforcement of gender stereotypes.

Shitznit to Watch Tonight and a Fun Fact

At 9 PM EST on ABC, some of Sesame Street's finest muppets will be visiting the cast of SCRUBS. I wonder if they will be the ones to break it to Zack that he massacres the "Show, don't tell" rule of screenwriting with everything he does. I think Oscar has it in him.



Also at 9 PM EST on TLC, the Duggars embark on season two of 17 KIDS & COUNTING. I think if you taped baby lynching and put it on the air for an hour, it would come across more ethically than this family's appreciation for women. Those poor teen girls have no choices other than staying home and taking care of the shit ton of kids that their PARENTS chose to have. And did you HEAR Jim Bob's speech to Josh on his wedding day? Basically it was like, you're going to want to bone, but you're wife is going to want to be all like blah blah blah, so if you listen to her, you'll get to bone.

Stay tuned to TLC for the premiere of TODDLERS AND TIARAS. Why do these people who are into pageants agree to be on these shows? Don't they realize that people only watch to make fun of them? I can't wait to watch tonight and see a two year old get a spray tan. HAWT.

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Also, did anyone know that Frank Langella, 2008 Academy Award nominee for best actor after portraying Richard Nixon in FROST/NIXON also portrayed SKELETOR!?!?! in the 1987 film HE MAN: MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE?! That is so hilarious to me. I am about as shocked as when I found out that SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!

The Real World Gets Quasi Real

I know I am three episodes late on talking about this of THE REAL WORLD, which took place over the summer in Brooklyn. Some thoughts...

-How lovely to see MTV not just reaching into their sack of smoking hot drunks straight out of central casting. For the first time in a long time, we have a cast of diverse and somewhat subsitive characters. That being said...

-Watching the cast members' get-to-know-you antics was a sorry, sad reminder of how old I am. I witnessed them have forced conversations about sexuality and relationship statuses within MOMENTS of knowing each other and thought about how no mature adults ever do that. FLASHING LIGHTS! Such an observation makes me one of those mature adults. For the first year ever, I AM EVEN TOO OLD TO APPLY TO BE ON THE REAL WORLD! I remember watching the very first seasons of THE REAL WORLD, where cultural references went over my head, and I wondered if I would ever be like these grown-ups one day. But now, nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower.*

-I would like to highlight cast member Ryan. I like to refer to him as Catch 22, because either liking or hating this guy makes you a douche. You want to give him props. He was in the military and served in Iraq and is also a fairly talented musician. AWESOME. But then he does things like go on a gay witch hunt, trying to out all of his housemates as possible. I think he even implied the hot tub might be gay. NOT AWESOME. In the end I will like him for his hilarious pranks and faces, and criticize him for bringing along untalented friends who suggest that he play songs about tampons in what could be otherwise legitimate business meetings.

-I was pumped to see what bars would be lucky enough to land the sweet deal of being the housemates' local haunts. So far, they seem to have made return trips to Pete Wentz's east village douch factory Angels and Kings. But I squealed with glee** this week when they ventured into MY neighborhood and went to Matchless.

What's your favorite season of THE REAL WORLD. Mine is Boston. Below, please find a video montage set to some rockingly appropriate late 90s music that someone made to honor the Boston castmates. I really never got the mentality of people that took fandom to the level where they would do something like this, but I guess I shouldn't complain, as it has given me something to share with you all.





*Do I get bonus points for incorperating Wordsworth into a reality television blog?
**I probably didn't squeal with glee

Lost Realizations

Having watched a solid three hours of Lost last night (the hour-long recap show, and the two-hour season premiere), I've made some discoveries about the show on a sort of meta level. Here they are, in convenient bullet list form.

• Lost is now hardcore sci-fi, but probably always was. It seems now that the show is all about time travel, but I think there were consistent, strong hints throughout the previous four seasons that this is the case. Just the fact that four entire seasons only equaled 108 days never quite sat right with a lot of fans, and I think actually pointed to the fact that time functions differently on the island than in the rest of the world. And last season's introduction of quantum physicist Daniel Faraday (Jeremy Davies, who apparently has a contract with all of Hollywood to only play neurotic eggheads, a la Jeff Goldblum) was further confirmation. In TV land, quantum physics ALWAYS means freaky supernatural hijinks, as opposed to, like, the really dry study of physical systems.
  
• There are only "A MILLION UNANSWERED QUESTIONS" if you are completely idiotic about the way that TV storytelling works. That is, when there is heavy-handed foreshadowing, or ridiculously portentous dialogue, the savvy viewer knows how to make pretty good educated guesses. Like last night, in the first hour, producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse said something along the lines of, "Sun thinks Jin is dead because she saw him on the freighter that blew up." THIS MEANS JIN IS ALIVE. It should not be an "unanswered question." Same goes for Jack asking Ben if Locke is really dead, and Ben's non-answer. LOCKE IS NOT DEAD. So scratch those off your lists, annoying fans.
• There is too much Hurley. The producers called him "the heart of the show," which I guess is what you have to say about less-attractive but intermittently-amusing characters. But I really didn't need all that time in hour two of the premiere to be spent on Hurley and his father, Cheech, bumbling around trying to figure out what to do with comatose Sayid. It's annoying and does little to further the plot, which really is what interests me now. That and Sawyer's inability to find a shirt.
  
• The time travel thing is kind of unsustainable. It was cool for the first two hours, but if the rest of the season is spent sending the islanders hopping, skipping, and jumping through time, it's going to become kind of a headache. I suspect that a lot of plot lines will start getting tied up at a much faster pace this season than in seasons past.

Anyone else out there have a Lost breakthrough?? Share. That, or talk about how Benjamin Button really isn't that amazing and why did it get infinity Oscar nominations?!?

A Top Chef/Heroes Crossover?

Tom Colicchio is a hero! According to E! Online:

While most celebs were spending the days leading to the inauguration partying around Washington, D.C., Top Chef chieftain Tom Colicchio was busy saving lives.

The reality-show judge and all-star restaurateur came to the rescue of a fellow foodie Monday night at the Art. Food. Hope benefit. The event, which featured attendees like Bob Woodward, Carl Bernstein and Rachel Maddow, was hosted by cookbook author Joan Nathan (The New American Cooking).

As originally reported on the Internet Food Association blog, Colicchio was cornered by Top Chef fans peeved by last week's elimination, when another famed chef, Alice Waters, frantically began calling for help. Nathan was choking on a piece of chicken.

And that's when Colicchio sprang into action.

He deftly performed the Heimlich maneuver, dispatching the chicken and saving Nathan.

It's so awesome to see that with all the crazy, medical technology we have today (anyone hear if Obama has done anything about stem cells yet?) that the Heimlich, which sounds like something convicted to death at Nuremberg, is still relevant. One time, a chef from the Dublin restaurant Gallagher's Boxty House saved my little sister's life with the Heimlich. We feld kind of bad since his food really sucked.

Tune in tonight to congratulate the hero and watch TOP CHEF on Bravo. Perhaps more importantly, tune in to send Carla good vibes. Ariane was kicked off last week, so apparently it's time to get rid of the nice, older ladies. Carla is the main reason I watch, ever since Vivian pointed out weeks ago that she bears a striking resemblance in appearance and demeanor to Myrtle Urkel, Steve Urkel's cousin played by the incomparable Jaleel White in Drag. See for yourself...



Hoody!

I wonder if Alanna will finish jizzing in her pants in time to give everyone a LOST recap tomorrow. My money is on red...what?

Videos. You watch them. Very Nice

HEY watch this videos.

The first is Pat and Carolyn expertly trolling the red carpet at last night's event celebrating Oxygen now airing past cycles of AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. I think Jaslene might have taken some lessons with Henry Higgins or something; she sounds less Helen Keller and more Helen...a Bonham Carter? I think I stretched too far for symmetry there...


The second is a video of mine and Vivian's cats, who are REALLY excited for the pending release of the Notorious B.I.G biopic. Especially Teagan, because she's so gangsta.

SimulCATS in Simulcast: Episode 2 from Quailhead on Vimeo.

GG Chat!

Dan of As Little As Possible and I had a GChat for the duration of the Golden Globes last night. I was really cranky because I've been sick for about a gazillion days, too sick to move or bone my boyfriend, and the crankier I am the funnier, apparently. Actually, this makes sense: think about the most depressed person you know. Aren't they kind of hilar? Like, don't you kind of hope they never start taking anti-depressants, just so they can stay bitter and snarky? So yeah. Some highlights:

me: jeremy piven, shouldn't you be in bed with your MERCURY POISONING

Danny: HAHAHA

me: he's such a fake faker

word in NYC is that he just wanted out of his play

keep saying clever stuff so i can make this my golden globes blog post

Danny: he's a loser

i will

i just talked to wilkinson on the phone last week

he's a cool guy

me: did you ask him how the scenery tasted in "in the bedroom"?


re: Anna Paquin on True Blood

me: she is so terrible on a terrible show

Danny: is she really that bad?

me: yes

like she forgot how to act

the only good thing about that show is the theme song

Danny: i heard there's nudity, though

so i want to see it

me: its seriously unbearable

and i love vampires

that's how bad it is

Danny: i heard it was good

hmm

i want to see the sex

me:yeah so true blood, every episode is like "VAMPIRES ARE A METAPHOR FOR OPPRESSED MINORITIES JUST IN CASE YOU FORGOT"

and the southern accents are so so bad

and the writing

that show is like

alan ball forgot how to write, and anna paquin forgot how to act

Danny: ouch

me: more like TRUE AMNESIA

Danny: well i won't rush it to the netflix

or TRUE--*FALSE*

me: brad pitt looks like "i... don't... understand"

he's dumb as a wallDanny: is he?

me:

so i hear

come on, can't you imagine how easily angelina manipulates him

and he's just like, earnestly, "Yeah, that sounds super fun!"

then he has seven kids

Danny: ha!

me: what terrible timing for "confessions of a shopaholic"

Danny: i know right

me: haha i'm glad

i hate movies like that

sex and the city too

Danny: i just communicated your comment to the room and people laughed

i laughed

me: CONSUUUUUUUUUUUME

WOMEN LIKE TO CONSUMMMMMME

haha yah

Danny: i just consumed the shit out of some pasta

Danny: OH MY GOD JESSICA LANGE'S FACE?

Danny: did she come straight from a housefire??

me: this guy doesn't do it for me

gerard butler

Danny: weird voice

me: although i'm always impressed by scottish accents

because they seem hard to have

Danny: yeah

and baldwin's not funny in the speech?

how can that be

boring

me: yeah boo

be funny

you're all performing seals

award = fish

balance a ball on your nose at least

Danny:

what would you do if you won an award like that?

me: probably shove the award up my butt


re: Jeanette's attraction to Paul Giamatti:

Danny: like, does she want to bone him?

is she sexually attracted to him?

me: she really is

Danny: like she imagines herself having sex with him?

me: yes

Danny: how is that

how does that come to be

me: i think there's a last minute mutation in the womb


re: Clint Eastwood watching Steven Spielberg's speech:

me: clint's like, shut this guy up. i want to get back to work.

me: he's such a machine!

Danny: clint's like, "i have pieces of guys like him in my stool"

me: hahahahahahahhaa


More Clint:

me: spike lee was complaining that flags of our fathers should have had black characters

and basically accused him of racism

Danny: ah

me: and clint's response was, "a guy like that should shut his face"

Danny: seriously???

phenom

me: yeah i know

did you see gran torino

Danny: no but i want to

me: its so great, seriously

Danny: subtitle "Get off My Lawn"

Danny: well the show really picked up at the end

me: i guessssDanny: fleh

Dream Men

30 ROCK is back tonight on its quest to become more than a critic's and smart people audience's darling. HELP IT OUT, FOLKS, AND TUNE IN!

I, for one, am thrilled to see Peter Dinklage as Liz Lemon's love interest starting on tonight's episode. I once had a dream in which Peter Dinklage was hot in pursuit of me, actually. We were in a pony-riding ring when this happened, and I nicely turned him down. I think this dream occurred sometime after his season on NIP TUCK.

In honor of my little person lover's guest starring stint on a show that churns out guest starring Emmy nominees like an Amish girl does butter, I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, television celebrities I have also had (embarrassingly) intimate dreams about.

1. Kelsey Grammar- One of my first dreams of an intimate nature, this one was very straightforward. I was on top, looked down, and thought...gross. He didn't even make me tossed salad and scrambled eggs afterwards. Har har har.

2. Jack Osbourne- I am hard pressed to count this one because in my dream, I was actually somebody else. I have heard that if you are able to dream that you're somebody else, you're clinically insane.

3. Seth Rogen- This one was also straightforward and, in my dream, happened right after a birthday party for my sister. Seth and I ALMOST had a round two in dreamland recently. We were both high school exchange students studying in Japan. We were trying to get weed together and I saw where it was going and stopped it. In reality, though, I wouldn't turn Seth down.

4. Josh Radnor- In this dream, there was no intercourse. Actually, Josh Radnor just gave me a really strong and satisfying hug as he told me he would rather sleep with Charlize Theron. I get it, Josh. I would probably have made the same choice.

I THINK MY MOM WILL LOVE READING THIS ENTRY MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE.

Summer Heights High

What's that you ask, Alanna? What did I watch over the Holidays? I WILL TELL YOU.

I give an incredibly hearty endorsement to SUMMER HEIGHTS HIGH, and encourage all with HBO on demand to watch all 8 episodes. (You can do it in one day. It's like, the same amount of time as seeing BENJAMIN BUTTON.)

I had never seen any of Chris Lilley's work before, but am now itching to see it all. Chris writes and stars in SUMMER, playing 3 characters over the course of one term in an Australian public school. There is Jamie (pronounced Jah-MAY), a privileged private school "year 11" visiting for the term, Jonah, a behaviorally challenged "year 8" and "Poly" (Polynesian), and Mr. G., the school's stereotypical drama teacher.

Chris' portrayals are absurdly humorous in appearance, as he is an average sized thirty something SEAMLESSLY pulling off a 16 year old girl and 13 year old boy in school uniforms. But once you look past the wolf in obvious sheep's clothing aspect, what makes the show equal parts hilarious and poignant is the seemingly real people casting of the teachers and students surrounding the 3 main players. They make Jonah's plights with discipline in particular borderline tear jerking come the last episode.

Australia is the new Britain when it comes to comedy exports for sure. Chris Lilley and Tim Minchin are both national treasures of epic proportions.

Lost-ticipation

Apparently I'm so excited about the imminent season 5 premiere of Lost that last night I had a dream I was watching it, but to my dismay it was devoid of Sawyer. Fortunately, according to dorkfest blog io9, he will be around, AND shirtless, for the entire 47 minute first episode.

Other than that, I watched a lot of dumb shit over the holidays, including Storm of the Century, a 1999 miniseries written by Stephen King. It's quite possibly the slowest-moving thriller in the world but I enjoyed the Kingian Manichean ethics on display toward the end. That's right, I just busted out a reference to Gnosticism in a TV blog. And in other Stephen King news, there's going to be a made-for-TV Children of the Corn remake, because... we really need that? Yes, definitely.

What did you watch over your holiday break?

Watch out, honey! There's a metaphorical severe weather pattern approaching!