Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Can you believe...

Two can you believe its for today.

1) Can you believe it is TOP CHEF/food porn time again, as the show's fifth season premieres on Bravo tonight? I hope the first challenge tonight is to take spaghetti with tomato sauce, shrimp cocktail, stuffing (as in Turkey/Thanksgiving stuffing), guacomole, and baked potatoes and make something out of them. Those are my favorite foods so I am sure it would be delicious.

Another good thing about Top Chef beginning is maybe a waning down of the NYC transit advertisements for the show featuring an openly hostile statue of liberty wielding a knife. It seriously looks like some of Vigo's primordial ooze from below the city streets in GHOSTBUSTERS II got all up in her grill. Google fails me in finding a viable photo of it, but trust me, not good news.

2) Old news, but can you believe TWO AND A HALF MEN is the number one comedy on television? Honestly, it makes me question my place on this planet to know that what I consider to be, hands down, one of the worst shows on television gets an 8.9/13 rating?!?! On top of plain sucking, now the show is just getting awkward as that little shit on it grows up. Now its more like TWO 80s HAS BEENS/WALKING ZOMBIES DO TRICKS FOR PAYCHECKS AND 80% OF A MAN. That was a mouthful, but you get me.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Ruby Premieres Sunday

The LA Times review summed up the confusion surrounding the premiere of RUBY best: "... here is "Ruby," which this Sunday joins the home of "Fashion Police," "Dress My Nest" and "How Do I Look?". RUBY, being a docudrama reality series about a morbidly obese young woman trying to lose weight that will air on the Style Network. Style has dipped its toe into some sort of substance with CLEAN HOUSE, the show that reorganizes and redecorates for chronic hoarders; at least here there is some sort of acknowledgement of their psychological disorders and problems that are a little deeper than HOW DO I LOOK?! But then again, their answer is to have Niecy Nash sass the homeowners into order. There is no humor to hide behind in Ruby's case, so I will be curious to see how it goes...

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Boob Tubers Endorsement for Treasury Secretary

Suze Orman, of course! Not only to add a lesbian to the currently exclusively black-and-Jew administration, but because she's, uh, AWESOME!?!

Just think of the possibilities...

Obama: We need to establish a program that will pump funds into higher education.
Orman: Show me the money! Show me the money.
Obama: Well, we're trillions in debt, but young people can't afford coll-
Orman: You have shame and you have blame. How are you going to pay for this?
Obama: Um, I was going to go to the Education House Committee...
Orman: DENIED! Denied, denied, denied. Plant some flowers instead.
Obama: Wha...?
Biden: I have a question.
Orman: Shoot, J-man.
Biden: Can I afford $5,000 hair plugs?
Obama: I am a poor judge of character.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Casting Call!

Every blog title today ends with !

Tell me what you think of THIS casting call:

Casting Call: Magical Elves, Inc. the award-winning producers behind Bravo's Top Chef and Project Runway are looking for singles ready and serious about getting married for a new docu-series on Lifetime. The series will explore the concept of arranged marriages and those interested can view the people who are seeking mates at . The producers are looking to cast right away; for more information and to be considered for this show, call Liz Alper at Magical Elves, Inc. at 213 630 6530 or email

I mean, I am just surprised that this comes to us from the Magical Elves, who usually inject my dreams with images of suckling legs--both of lamb and of Padma Lackshmi, mmmmmm. No matter how la di da classy the Magical Elves make this, there is still the possibility of it turning into some sort of Mike Darnell-ian shit show, like Good old Darva Conger.

I would only go on this show if they could cuarantee me an arrangement with Paul Giamatti.


While everyone else in the country talks about the election and the future of our country and Proposition 8 and Rachel Maddow, I am going to continue talking about shit that doesn't matter. Story of my life.

This weekend, I had the privelege of hosting, among others, some real live Brits. Of course, I knew immiedetely what I wanted their take on.

Me: Hey, you know what I am LOVING that BBC America just brought to us here?
Brits: What? (Yes, this was in unison if memory serves me correctly)
Brits: Oh, bollocks. That show is complete rubbish. How can you watch that? It belongs in the bin with the scraps of bangers and mash, fish and chips and curry takeout. It's not fit. It's just like the OC except with more drugs and nudity.
Me: Um, that's exactly why I like it...

So there you have it. I am a simpleton. But if liking this pseudo-edgy drama with brilliantly balanced plot lines between an engaging and unique group of teenage characters makes me a simpleton, then I am ready to get my Forrest Gump on. We just got series one on BBC America, but they've filmed three with an all new cast (Degrassi style) and I cannot wait to see them all. Each episode involves the whole gang but focuses on one character, still seemlessly integrating the ensemble into the show. My favorite is Cassie. OMG!K?#WHO IS YOURS?>!OMG~!

BTW, to fulfill the educational requirements of this blog, SKINS is actually a slang term for rolling papers. I never inhaled, so I don't know whether or not Americans use this term for them or not.

Also, in case you were wondering, the Brits were able to confirm for us that Chris Martin is, in fact, not a national treasure.