Best of the Boob Tubers

My favorite moments from our storied past six months:

*When Walnuts attacks.

*Manohla Dargis is insane, loves Reno 911.

*A pre-scandal David Langlieb weighs in on which Sex and the City gal John Bolton is.

*A hottie round-up that for once isn't filled with blond film actresses.

*Boy, that Lonelygirl15 craze sure burned out quickly.

*We're still waiting for the Polack mob to come after us. What's wrong, you guys are too dense to find us?

*Jeanette tries to have sex with Christmas...

*...and gets some face time with foreigners instead.

And that was our teletastic year. Standby for our favorite TV moments of 06, likely not to be published until 07 because of intoxication, laziness.

The only one who could ever reach me...

Survivor Cook Islands 12/16/06- A Yul-Tide Celebration!

A few months back, Alanna and I were watching Sexy Beast. The first fifteen minutes of this film are glorious; Gary and his friend, whose character name escapes me, both retired mobsters, live in the Spanish country side, which really looks like heaven on earth. Their awkward tan lines and growing waist lines don't matter at all. That's how happy they are. One night, they go out to dinner with their wives and decide on the calamari before Gary's friend tells him they've been recruited for one last job by Don, the godfather of their crew. What ensues is an emotional mindfuck. For the next two hours, I wondered why the film couldn't have ended in the restaurant, with Gary proclaiming his love for calamari. "I love calamari," he could have said approvingly, leaning his chair back with his heels, patting his gut with one hand and rubbing his disproportionately hot wife's knee with the other. That would have been my kind of movie*.

If you're still with me here, last night the thirteenth season of Survivor ended with a real "I Love Calamari" sputter. First things first, my main man Yul won the million dollars. Hip Hip HorAsian! Secondly, he did so after leading his Aitu Four to the final four. Once there, they all sat around camp, singing folk songs while Becky and Sundra braided each others' 39 days of leg hair growth. Okay not really, but they might as well have...that's how much of a love fest it was. Becky would rather have been true to the foursome than take Yul up on his offer to use the immunity idol to guarantee herself a spot in the final three (that's right, this season THREE people were considered for the million). And the four of them very fairly voted to a tie at the final tribal council, so a tie breaker would determine whether or not Becky or Sundra was in the final three. It was about as melodious as one of those Brady Bunch episodes where the kids suddenly learned they can sing, only to find daisies floating all around them while they danced in bellbottoms.

It was great. You may hear the naysayers arguing that they missed out on the Susan-calling-Richard-Hatch-A-Rat moment, or the Johnny-Fair-Play-feigning-his-grandmother's-death plot twist. They are wrong. How nice to see four people honestly and intelligently make it as far as possible in the game. I bet each and every one of them loves Calamri. And so do I, Aitu final four, so do I.

Also, last night Sekou, the first Survivor voted out this season, graced the audience with an original song he had written about the show. Honestly, it sounded like music accompanied by a string of drawn out farts, which happened to sound a little bit like the word survivor.

*This is actually a very good movie.

64th Golden Globes Nominations Announced

Find all the television-centric nods here, with the occasional incisive commentary in italics. Apologies for all the caps, I pretty much copied and pasted this from here, where you can also find the film nominees.

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

24 (FOX)

BIG LOVE (HBO)

GREY’S ANATOMY (ABC)

HEROES (NBC)

LOST (ABC)


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

PATRICIA ARQUETTE - MEDIUM

EDIE FALCO - THE SOPRANOS

EVANGELINE LILLY - LOST
Really? I love the show and even I can admit the woman has two facial expressions.

ELLEN POMPEO - GREY’S ANATOMY
Poor man's Renée "Lemon Face" Zellweger.

KYRA SEDGWICK - THE CLOSER


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

PATRICK DEMPSEY - GREY’S ANATOMY

MICHAEL C. HALL - DEXTER

HUGH LAURIE - HOUSE
Especially since he can do teenage girl as well as middle-aged man.

BILL PAXTON - BIG LOVE

KIEFER SUTHERLAND - 24
Again? He doesn't really act, so much as yell "Damn it!" into his cell phone repeatedly.


BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (ABC)

ENTOURAGE (HBO)

OFFICE (NBC)

UGLY BETTY (ABC)

WEEDS (SHOWTIME)


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES –COMEDY OR MUSICAL
I don't watch any of this sh*t.

MARCIA CROSS - DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

AMERICA FERRERA - UGLY BETTY

FELICITY HUFFMAN - DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS - THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE

MARY-LOUISE PARKER - WEEDS


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

ALEC BALDWIN - 30 ROCK

ZACH BRAFF - SCRUBS
I keep hearing that Zach Braff is the "voice of my generation," though really I feel more in tune with the much older and funnier Jew, Larry David. Does that make me weird?

STEVE CARRELL - THE OFFICE

JASON LEE - MY NAME IS EARL

TONY SHALHOUB - MONK


BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

BLEAK HOUSE (PBS)

BROKEN TRAIL (AMC)

ELIZABETH I (HBO)

MRS. HARRIS (HBO)

PRIME SUSPECT: THE FINAL ACT (PBS)



BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

GILLIAN ANDERSON - BLEAK HOUSE

ANNETTE BENING - MRS. HARRIS

HELEN MIRREN - ELIZABETH I
What?!? Someone needs to schedule an intervention and send her to Monarchs Anonymous. OK, that was lame.

HELEN MIRREN - PRIME SUSPECT: THE FINAL ACT

SOPHIE OKONEDO - TSUNAMI, THE AFTERMATH


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

ANDRÉ BRAUGHER - THIEF

ROBERT DUVALL - BROKEN TRAIL

MICHAEL EALY - SLEEPER CELL: AMERICAN TERROR

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR - TSUNAMI, THE AFTERMATH

BEN KINGSLEY - MRS. HARRIS

BILL NIGHY - GIDEON’S DAUGHTER
I've never even heard of this, but I'm sure he was better than...

MATTHEW PERRY - THE RON CLARK STORY
Yeah, him.


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

EMILY BLUNT - GIDEON’S DAUGHTER

TONI COLLETTE - TSUNAMI, THE AFTERMATH

KATHERINE HEIGL - GREY’S ANATOMY

SARAH PAULSON - STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP
It's sad to watch her suck the last scrap of life out of this show, because she was so fantastic on Deadwood. Also, dating Cherry Jones. That's cool.

ELIZABETH PERKINS - WEEDS


BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

THOMAS HADEN CHURCH - BROKEN TRAIL

JEREMY IRONS - ELIZABETH I

JUSTIN KIRK - WEEDS

MASI OKA - HEROES
Team Sambo!!!

JEREMY PIVEN - ENTOURAGE

House 12/13/06: Aww, Greggy-poo

Last night's House was perhaps was the most miserable Christmas episode that I have ever seen. Between the detoxing, and the stealing Oxy from a dead guy, and the betrayals and the ultimatums and the sniping, and the really hot dwarf (wait, what?), Bad Hat Harry Productions has left us with almost nothing but negativity to carry us through the dark House-less days until January 9th.

Almost nothing. Because last night's episode provided Jeanette and I with one amazing revelation.

Gregory House has metamorphosed into a teenage girl.

Sure, House was cutting himself because it helped to "release endorphins" that temporarily "relieved his agonizing leg pain" and the "discomfort of detoxing from Vicodin." But any graduate of a suburban high school knows what sort of people really cut themselves, and why:

Angsty adolescent females who want everyone to see the pain they feel inside. The kind of horrible, horrible pain that comes from parents who give you your grandfather's old Buick for your 16th birthday instead of the Audi that your friend Julie got. The intolerable ouchies of a rejection letter from Brown University, which is where you were meant to go, because you worked your upper-middle-class butt off for this and your consolation prize is a SUNY, and SUNY schools are for poor losers!

Ahem. To confirm our suspicions, we received a leak of the teleplay for the next new House. Here's a teaser, exclusive to Boob Tubers readers.

EXT. PRINCETON-PLAINSBORO TEACHING HOSPITAL - ESTABLISHING

INT. HOUSE'S OFFICE - DAY

CAMERON
House, our patient is presenting with symptoms of liver failure. Yellow eyes, dark urine, and a strange attraction to old, curmudgeonly men. Oh wait. That last one is a symptom of my personal failure as a human being.

FOREMAN
It's clearly Seacrest's Disease.

CHASE
It's not Seacrest's, I already told you. Seacrest's involves the erratic growth of facial hair in men of short stature.
(beat)
House, what do you think?

HOUSE
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME!

CAMERON
What are you talking about?

HOUSE
You guys act like you know so much, but you really don't. Like, do you know how I lost my virginity?

FOREMAN
I don't see how this is relevant to our patient--

CAMERON
I want to know.

HOUSE
It was at the cast party for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. To Ben Kellner, who played Joseph. All the other girls in the chorus were SO JEALOUS.

CHASE
Uh, why don't we get back to the differential diagnosis.

HOUSE
But I'm so tired. Coach Sweeney made me do twenty laps this morning because I had three latenesses to gym class.

Cuddy enters, dressed very unprofessionally.

CUDDY
How are we doing with the patient?

HOUSE
Ugh, I hate you. I am so fat compared to you.

CUDDY
Well, I don't have a bum leg. I can work out every day.

HOUSE
Oh my God, I can't believe you just said that to me. You're such a bitch.
(begins weeping)
I'm a freak!
(reaches for conveniently located scalpel)

SPIKE
Oh, House. It's time you learned...
Life's not a song
Life isn't bliss
Life is just this
It's living...

Happy Holidays: Viral Video A-Go-Go

Thanks to internet viral videos, even when you're at work, you can be watching TV! As one who fully endorses the watching of TV, and as previously stated, as one who LOVES Christmas, I am proud to present my contribution to the world of viral video. Enjoy!

Carol of the Remote Controls

I just finished finding the best adhesive for dollar-store lights to stick to pre-war brick, I am desperately trying to schedule a viewing of Home Alone (the world's greatest cinematic tour de force), and Ashley Tisdale's cover of Last Christmas is crawling into my Ipod as we speak. It is safe to say that Alanna was right when she accused me of being gay for Christmas.

I am so gay for Christmas,in fact, that my obvious commercial break channel surf location during Tuesday's episode of Gilmore Girls was ABC to catch snippets of the claymation classic Santa Claus is Comin to Town. Who can forget how a red-headed St. Nick brought joy to the children of Sombertown (who were, by the way, all dressed in gray, I SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE)? Not a lot of people, because 11 million tuned in! Similar numbers are expected for tomorrow night's airing of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman on the eye network. And, of course ABC Family is indulging us with their annual tradition, 25 Days of Christmas. (Although even I must admit that some of the programming offered by the alphabet network's cable child is lackluster, consisting of plot lines like 'A grumpy ad executive reluctant to embrace Christmas suddenly discovers his long lost birth father is Santa Claus and is taken on a magical adventure that cures his son's leukemia'.)

If you want a really crappy example of journalism and a bullshit reason as to why people like me, level headed adults, eat up the cheezefest that is holiday programming, feel free to check out Jennifer Frey's article in today's Washington Post. In it, Frey tells me I like this crap because I am nostalgic for my childhood. OH YES! I LONG FOR MY MIDDLE CHILD WOES DATING BACK TO THE LATE EIGHTIES/EARLY NINETIES! NOT! (Or as Borat would say, I do NOT long for my middle child woes.)

If you just want to know what glorious gems of holiday programming you should set your DVR for and/or advice on how to stick up for yourself when your roommates freak out as you sing every lyric to Even a Miracle Needs a Hand from Twas The Night Before Christmas (the one with that mouse family), turn to me.

Here are my top picks to trim your TV:

The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus (ABC Family, 12/9 11 AM EST, 12/12 7 PM EST) 1985-technology with clay animation tells the story of Santa Claus, heavy on Pagan, not Christian, ideals.

One Magic Christmas (Hallmark, 12/9 7 PM) I LOVE THIS MOVIE! Harry Dean Stanton plays an angel that saves struggling mom Mary Steenburgen's lower middle class Christmas!

Prancer (AMC, 12/10 8 PM, 10:15 PM) Ever wonder what I was like when I was six. THE LITTLE GIRL IN THIS ADORABLE MOVIE!

Green-Colored Spotlight On: Dean Winters

Green-colored because you really can't get any more Irish than this familiar TV actor. You would think that Jeanette would be a more appropriate author for this entry. WRONG you would be. It is a little known fact that this Jewess has dabbled amongst the leprechauns. I just can't help myself. I find both freckles and Catholic guilt very alluring.

Of late, Dean has played affable, slightly dim micks on shows like Rescue Me and 30 Rock. He must be a good sport, because his IMDB profile indicates that he is in fact a well-traveled college graduate and not, for instance, a beeper salesman or Denis Leary's drunk adultering brother.

I first encountered Dean in a very different role, as Ryan O'Reily (seriously) on HBO's prison drama Oz, a show grittier than a sandbox full of broken glass. I learned many things from Ryan: how to manipulate hardened rapists and murderers like a modern day, really cute Iago; how to seduce the Latina prison doctor after having your brother kill her husband; how to survive shootings, gas explosions, and solitary confinement. I should also mention that whenever someone is thrown into solitary confinement on Oz, they are naked. And creator Tom Fontana never shied away from showing us that. Seriously people, what are you waiting for? Netflix that sh*t.

If all that doesn't cement Dean's coolness in your minds, consider this. He was on Law and Order: SVU back in the heady days of the '99/'00 season, and managed in his brief, glorious tenure as Det. Cassidy to nail Olivia Benson. That's something even Chris Meloni (who also starred on Oz) hasn't managed to do.

Dos and Don'ts

Lately, when I think about the show Heroes, I don't think about the schlocky dialogue. I don't think about how Niki got seriously gypped with her "super power," or how in real life, Nathan Petrelli is married to Natalie Maines of The Dixie Chicks, a band that actually titled a song "Lubbock or Leave It." Get it? It's not a bad song actually, but that's gotta be the worst title since The Constant Gardener. Sample lines from that film, at least in my mind:

"Always gardening, you are! By Jove, Manifred, when will you stop the constant gardening?"
"Never, dear Winthrop. My green thumb is eternal. For I am... the Constant Gardener."

No, I think about how Milo Ventimiglia has the stupidest hair on television. The proof is in the arbirtrary asymmetry:



The long-in-the-front, short-in-the-back 'do went out of fashion back in '99, when this chick from my high school, Stephanie, got props for being the "most creative" just because her hair hung in her fucking eyes all the time. Meanwhile, while Stephanie was artfully walking into things because she couldn't see through her HAIR, who was at home writing stories about girls who thought they were metamorphosing into dogs? ME. I SHOULD HAVE WON "MOST CREATIVE" IN THE SENIOR SUPERLATIVES SECTION OF THE YEARBOOK, DAMMIT.

So that's why I hate Milo Ventimiglia's hair. Otherwise, he's pretty cute, in a Guido sort of way. Wait. I take back the "Guido" thing. I don't want all of Bensonhurst crashing this blog and threatening my life. Well, I sort of do.

Other retarded hair cuts:

Flattop-era Will Smith


Keri Russell, whose Season 2 cropped hair was such a blow that it actually made ratings on Felicity go down. Also her ass looks big here.


David Boreanaz, now and forever. ("Angel's lame. His hair goes straight up and he's bloody stupid.")

Daniel Radcliffe is the stupidest human being alive

OK, I know this isn't about television or David Langlieb, but it would be so wrong to let this story pass by.

USA Today published new photos from the upcoming movie, Harry Potter and the E Street Band -- I mean, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Each shot is accompanied by quotes from the cast members, and the titular hero himself offered this little gem of wisdom:

"Harry had been through so much because of him, and yet no one was believing him that Voldemort was back," said Radcliffe. "It made me think of how Holocaust survivors must feel about Holocaust denial."

Yup, he's dead on. A fictional teenage wizard would be devastated by those who didn't take his word about the return of the Dark Lord, as devastated as an Auschwitz survivor would feel if people denied that he'd been robbed of his home, starved, forced to labor outdoors without pay for several years, and witnessed the murder of his entire family. It's pretty much the same thing.

I say we should make ALL our children quit school and get occasional on-set lessons from tutors to movie stars. That brand of education leads to great sound bites!

Awareness Tubers: UCLA Student Mostafa Tabatabainejad Unfairly Tasered

Ever since Langlieb Gate '06, Alanna and I have marveled about how a jaunt into the world of current events can really up your hit counts. Maybe I should feel a little guilty for bringing this off topic event up here, but when I saw this on YouTube, I was in shock. Plus, I found it on Perez Hilton, and we easily have more substance to our blog than him, so why shouldn't I post this here (not to say I don't enjoy your sass and the way you make it look like there's cum coming out of everyone's mouths in your pictures, Perez).

Anyway, backstory is UCLA student Mostafa Tabatabainejad was studying in the library circa 11:30 PM one night earlier this week, and when he was not able to produce his university ID, the following incident occurred:



Two lessons here. One, don't be a racist asshole, cops included. I can see why the university cops would feel frustrated with their position; whenever one would give me a parking ticket for being in a "Frat Brothers Only" zone or something, I'd usually laugh and yell out "FAKE COPS" as they rolled away on their golf cart. But that doesn't mean you can TASER someone. JESUS CHRIST what were these guys even doing with any weapons. THEY ARE NOT REAL POLICE. I was legitimately touched and happy that the victim's fellow students were telling them to stop and asking for their badge numbers. I hope these guys get demoted to dining hall patrol or something.

Second lesson, someone has a camera everywhere, always. If you do something retarded, there is a huge chance it will end up on YouTube. Just last night, Alanna and Vivian were doing some very vivacious cat impersonations on my bed. If I had a camera, they would have been SCREWED for the rest of their professional lives. Don't be retarded.

Oooh, maybe our racist anonymous commentor of yore will come back in defense of the fake police.

Also, read more here.

Studio 60, House, Nip/Tuck Rootin' Tootin' Roundup

I love working late every night, but I especially love it on nights like tonight, when the cleaning lady looks over my shoulder skeptically as she empties my garbage can, only to see me looking at a clip of Tickle Me Elmo TMX on YouTube. Listen, I don't need her or ANYONE ELSE judging me, especially as I delve into...

JEANETTE'S TELEVISION STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS, the Wednesday after edition.

Firstly, I am sick of sticking up for the integrity of Studio 60. I feel like it is the new kid in town who also happens to be my cousin, and my grandpa has offered me a shiny, Susan B. Anthony dollar for every time I can get cus a new friend. While I do think last Monday's show was awkward in how hurriedly it wrapped up the Nevada based story line (We hardly knew ya, John Goodman cameo), I still was literally looking forward all week to the conclusion of the two-parter.

Secondly, WOAH, who else is shaking in their pajama pants about what Gregory House's Cop-elganger is going to do to him? The bonds between House and his newfound nemesis strengthened this week as David Morse's character, Michael Tritter, uttered words so familar to House's pursedly narrow yet alluring lips: Everybody lies. They're both right. I lie...in bed each night awaiting for Hugh Laurie to be right beside me...what?

And Thirdly, what in tarnation was going on with Nip/Tuck last night? In a ploy so cliché we have seen it as recently as last year's series finale of Will & Grace, we got a glimpse into the future (the future, Conan?) with an episode entitled "Conor McNamara 2026." I was glad to see that the best looking midget ever was still in the picture 20 years later (Oh come on, I dare you to tell me I am the only one to think Peter Dinklage is hot! I mean he's no Matt Roloff but WHATEVER!) Also, I think in order to research the future, Nip/Tuck had their staff writers have a Jetsons marathon (They probably could have done this at my apartment since this is one show that has made it to Vivian's DVRing list). I find it hard to believe that people will be eating meals that consist of piles of multi-colored mush like Sean and Christian were in ONLY 20 YEARS. I can't wait until it actually is 2026 so that the writers can feel the same embarassment as George Orwell's ghost did when the real 1984 actually looked like this:


Also, David Lang...oh nevermind.

I, too, am responding to JJ's tag...

1. Popcorn or candy? If you get the popcorn right, taking part in this buttery delight can be the pinnacle of any movie going experience. I love M&Ms but pesonally think they should be banned from theaters, specifically because once Alanna and I were literally bruised by the airborne treats in response to our HILARIOUS and raucous heckling of Scary Movie.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever. Dr. Zhivago. However, Alanna and I have both seen Doc Hollywood.

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar: Both the Juvenile Achievement Oscar given to Mickey Rooney in 1939 and his later awarded Lifetime Achievement Oscar. That guy is a hack. He weirds me out. He's not good at anything other than putting on a newsboy cap and clicking his heels, and on that he's even a little rusty.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Chas Tenenbaum's jogging suit.

5. Your favorite film franchise is...soon to be the His Dark Materials films, the first of which (The Golden Compass) is filming now.

6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them? I would like to clone Zack Braff four times, have all five Braffs over, and feed them a jello mold that spells out, "Show don't tell."

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater? Lethal injection.

8. Choose a female bodyguard: Roseanne in She-Devil.

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie? Movie, no. Back to my boob tubers roots in order to answer the Zebo the Clown episode of Are you Afraid of the Dark?

10. Your favorite genre (excluding comedy and drama) is? Mockumentary.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power? BRING BACK THE WELL EXECUTED MOVIE MUSICAL!

12. Bonnie or Clyde? Hyde. David Hyde Pierce.

MeMe, YouYou, PeePee, PooPoo

J.J. of As Little As Possible tagged us Tubers for this fun little meme. Since there's nothing I love writing about more than myself - ahem, I mean entertainment - I thought I'd give it a go.

1. Popcorn or candy? Popcorn is such a cocktease. It smells so excellent, and then when you eat it, it's too dry and gets stuck in your throat, or so buttery and greasy that just looking at it makes you break out. So candy. Junior Mints if possible.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever. Dr. Strangelove

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar: Who loses theirs and to whom? My Oscar memory isn't that spectacular; instead of recalling what Meryl won for and when, my brain is filled with amusing quotes from the fifth season of Angel. Example:

Spike busts into Angel's office
Angel: We're having a meeting.
Spike: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't care.

Which is to say, Crash was totally undeserving. Best Picture should have gone to Buttsex Mountain.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Which will it be? Either The Bride's yellow jumpsuit from Kill Bill or Edward Scissorhands' S&M get-up. Maybe a combo of both.

5. Your favorite film franchise is... I have a soft spot for the Christopher Reeve Superman movies, except for the awful, awful fourth one. World peace does not an action movie make.


6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them? I'd like to host Klaus Kinski, Christopher Walken, Anne Heche, Stephen Seagal, and Shirley MacLaine to see who comes up with the best plot to take over the world. I'd feed them canned cranberry sauce.

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater? They should have to listen to Nicole Kidman sing "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" for eons and eons. That would be torture for me, anyway.

8. Choose a female bodyguard: Ripley from Aliens. Mystique from X-Men. Sarah Connor from Terminator 2. The Bride from Kill Bill. Mace from Strange Days. None of the above. I choose Sybil from the TV movie of the same name.

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie? Of late, it's the fat Armenian dude's testicles in Sacha Baron Cohen's face.

10. Your favorite genre (excluding comedy and drama) is? I must grudgingly admit an affinity for sci-fi. The Fountain trailer, for instance, excites me to no end. Oh, Wolverine.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power? By hiring underrated actresses and giving them complex, meaty roles. It's shameful how few interesting parts exist for women, and the ones that do all go to the Aussie Trifecta: Kidman, Watts, Blanchett.

12. Bonnie or Clyde? Bonnie. Clyde's so vain, he probably thinks this blog is about him.

13. Who are you tagging to answer this survey? Lauren of Oodleday, Eric of Confessions, Chris of Exit Stage Left.

Survivor Cook Islands 11/9/06: OMFG!

Wow! Wowee wow wow wow! What a shit show of a Survivor episode! I loved it! You may think Mark Burnett is off his rocker, coming up with the most sensatonal stunts legally possible to get America to watch, and you're probably right, but Survivor grabbed this longtime but now wavering fans by the [hypothetical] balls last night!

Firstly, I almost threw up my delicious, homemade grilled cheese on wheat when Jonathan shared with Candace the prospect of it being the four "caucasians" left at the end. What?! I thought we were over that publicity stunt. I have spent the past few weeks marveling at how race went from being the main issue on Survivor Cook Islandsto being an almost non issue once the tribes merged. People were voted off because they were bat shit crazy (see Cao Boi), not because of the color of their skin. And of course it's a cracker that would keep the racial sentiments around. Perhaps I shouldn't be throwing that term around in light of Langliebgate 06, but I don't care!

AND if Jonathan's temporary posession by William J. Simmons wasn't enough, Jeff "I am second only to Ryan Seacrest in my reality show hosting abilities" Probst threw a curveball (or coconut, if you will) before the rewards challenge; all Survivors had a ten second opportunity to start a 'mutiny' by deciding to switch to the opposing tribe. Candance took him up on this so that she could be back with her BFFEAEAEs Parvati and Adam. BUT, at the last second Jonathan joined her. Good job, Candace, because Survivor is definitely all about making friends and not at all about strategizing to win a million dollars. Also, good job, Jonathan, because Survivor is all about following around a hot, blonde twenty something that wants nothing to do with the modern day Richard Hatch.

It doesn't matter what any of these pawns do, though, because Yul is probably the best human being to have ever walked the planet. Yul for President 2008. He'll be running for the AWESOME party.

Ed Bradley, 65, Loses Battle with Leukemia

According to the Hollywood Reporter,

Veteran "60 Minutes" correspondent Ed Bradley died of leukemia Thursday morning at a New York City hospital. He was 65. CBS News said Thursday morning that Bradley died at Mount Sinai Hospital. Bradley was a correspondent at "60 Minutes" for 26 years, covering a number of the show's biggest stories and winning 19 Emmys during his career. His most recent was for a "60 Minutes" segment on the reopening of the 1950s racial murder of Emmett Till.

This is truly a shame, and Ed will no doubt be missed. I feel like I hardly knew him, but that's probably because I am hardly 60 Minutes' target demographic. Starting today, I will certainly be holding my main man Charles Osgood nearer and dearer, because you just never know.

Also, David Langlieb.

TEK JANSEN!

I don't know if you're all aware what has been happening on Comedy Central's Motherload web content/The Colbert Report, but check it out! Tek Jansen! Colbert's very own animated super hero alter ego! I, for one, feel like a bigger douchebag than our embittered/racist anonymous commentor on LangliebGate 06 for not knowing about Tek sooner. His theme song will be my wedding song for sure.

Also, David Langlieb.

House 11/7/06: House gets real; find the Langliebgate reference!

Last night on House: a comatose 600-pounder comes to the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, and when he awakens he tries to bust out. Problem is, weighing 600 pounds makes him sort of hard to miss. In a very House-esque move, Cameron doses him to keep him in the hospital. He refuses to believe that his illness is connected to his weight, and it turns out he's correct: he has inoperable lung cancer. Sometimes it sucks to be right, huh? Meanwhile, the cop who House previously violated with a rectal thermometer is gunning for our favorite titular character. He searches House's apartment and finds enough Vicodin to keep all of Greenpoint sedated. Ruh roh!

I, for one, am thrilled that the House writers have come up with a credible adversary for our favorite doc. This season had a lackluster start, but with David "I'm so creepy! CREEEEEEEEEPY!" Morse as the cop who's got it in for House, things have been kicked up a few notches.

As much as I love Hugh Laurie and the character he plays, the formulaic nature of the show can get tiresome: it always ends with House brilliantly pulling some brilliant conclusion out of left field, and then brilliantly curing the patient. All while sending a constant stream of insults his or her way. It's like, I get it. He's really good at what he does. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind I'm going, "No doctor can be this much of an asshat, AND publicly addicted to Vicodin, and never get sued, no matter how smart he is."

Well, Mr. CREEEEEEEEEPY! may resolve both of these dilemmas. He confronts House with the legal troubles that would be inevitable in the real world, and he also takes much of the pleasure out of House's medical victories, since in his personal life, Greg's in deep. He may have tied with God in a genius-off, but he ain't infallible. I look forward to the upcoming episodes, especially since tonight's Lost will be the last for many long, cold months.

Also, David Langlieb. I'm just gonna write his name at the end of every entry to get more hits. Why not? All the other blogs are doing it!

"Never were words so true." Thoughts on Gilmore Girls and memories from Brian Williams

When I thought of the title for this entry, I was sure that Voltaire, FDR or some other ‘quotent quotable’ amongst the pages of Bartlett’s familiar quotations said the above line. Turns out it is a lyric in the song Home, from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, now in its thirteenth smash year on Broadway, and featuring Donnie Osmond through December 24th. I dare you to judge me. Go ahead. Do it.

Anyhooters, perusing various publications today, I felt as if television related writers were SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO ME. Like they were IN MY HEAD. Like they KNEW ME BETTER THAN ANY OTHER PERSON. Like they were MATT PARKMAN AND I WAS SYLAR. Here’s what I’m talking about.

In her astute article on Gilmore Girls, The NY Times’s Virginia Heffernan offers the best analysis I have heard all season, except for mine. When the WB, Amy Sherman-Palladino and Dan Palladino could not come to contractual terms, the married couple/show helmers jumped ship. With Amy on board, the show’s wit and banter was as sharp as an anonymous commentor’s bite. Or as Heffernan puts it, we saw Lorelai and Rory as they should be:

“In their purest incarnations, Lorelai and Rory shared the witty woman’s challenge: to architect a wall of words so high and so thick that no silence, no stares, no intimations of mortality or even love could penetrate it.”

Now it looks as if Lorelai and Chris are going to get caught up in the romance of Paris. The closest I came to romance in Paris was hooking up with some guy named Jeremiah in a room featuring six bunk beds at the Hotel Calaincourt, whilst reeking of Guinness. And Lorelai and myself are cut from the same cloth. Okay, her cloth is skinnier and better dressed, but nonetheless it is the same. Therefore, I can tell you that a decline into the depths of canoodling and conversation hearts over the course of one summer hiatus is NOT POSSIBLE. Here’s hoping that the coarseness of Luke’s stubble and over starched flannels will soon whip Lorelai back into shape.

Also, in the latest edition of Newsweek, NBC News’ favorite funny man* gives a heartwarming look at his youth’s transition to Technicolor. He shares, “I was, more than any kid I knew, obsessed and fascinated at what television had to offer, and the places it could take me.” The same is true for me, possibly times three. So for all those times my mother told me to switch off the M*A*S*H repeats in favor of some outdoor recreation, I say to her, LOOK AT ME NOW!

*Chris Hansen came in second, specifically for his fine work in blooper reels featuring pedophiles caught with their pants down.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming...Law and Order: Out to Pasture

Staying abreast with current events has really helped our site meter out. So in case you hadn’t heard, this weekend was bad noose for Saddam Hussein. Find me a more reliable source than the Boob Tubers to read about current events and I will give you a million bucks*. We’re like the Daily Show of amateur blogs about television.

But seriously,folks, as Alanna said, back to business as I proudly present the next installment in the Law and Order franchise, Law and Order: Out to Pasture. The grand pappy of all procedural crime shows and its equally successful subsets have created yet a new niche for themselves: the place where personalities that have aged themselves to the B-list go to fade away.


Most notably, last Friday’s installment of Law and Order: Original Recipe featured Chevy Chase in a ripped from the headlines story. Chase played a celebrity who spreads anti-Semitic love (and by love I mean hate) after being arrested for a D.U.I. And also, when pulled over, he’s covered in blood. Chase should be commended for his dramatic acting chops, something only hinted at in Clark Griswold’s scenes as a straight man. However, the L & O: OR writing staff could have benefited from not sleeping through Subtlety 101. As he spouted out lines like “sugartits,” Chase might as well been wearing a Passion of the Christ t-shirt.

Just a week earlier, Law and Order: SVU featured Liza Minelli, in a ripped from the [older] headlines story. Minelli played a Patsy Ramsey-type dealing years later with the murder of her beauty pageant queen daughter. Like most situations these days, Liza appeared to walk through this one in a painkiller induced haze. It’s like her Valium glazed eyes were saying, if mumsy had killed me, at least it would have been some sort of attention.

Earlier this season, Law and Order: SVU was visited by the incomporable Jerry Lewis. Let me tell you, if Emmy watched the first half of the episode before changing to marvel at how puffy James Spader has gotten on Boston Legal, Jerry may have a chance. His portrayal of a catatonic homeless person/potential rapist was so believable it had me saying, “So THAT’S what he does between telethons.” But when it’s revealed Lewis is actually Detective Munch’s uncle, he gets the medication he needs and reverts back into HEY PRETTY LADY mode. And then pushes a perp in the way of an oncoming subway.

In the end, I suppose Law and Order is a better choice than The Surreal Life for fading stars, but if the Peacock wants to hold on to the oh so precious 18 to 49ers with their procedural crime franchise, perhaps they should have gone the CSI route and snatched up Kevin Federline before he was too hot to handle. Or not.

*I will not give you a million bucks.