Lost Finale Tonight!

I am pleased to announce that Lost showrunners Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof talk exactly like Jeanette and I, if this excerpt from a Washington Post interview with them is any indication:

You're going to love these true-false questions [about tonight's finale]. The first question --

Carlton: Wait, wait. Before you ask them, there's true and false and then "what's the correct evasive response."

The correct evasive response is "We decline to comment."

Damon: Or, I'd like to invent "fru."

Will we know who Jacob is before this season's finale is over?

Damon: That depends what you mean by "is."

Carlton: You'll have more information, definitely.

Damon: Let's say you'll finally be able to put up a picture of Jacob in your locker.

Will we know whether the characters on the show can change their fates, and therefore their futures, before the finale is over?

Damon: That's not even a true-or-false question.

Carlton: Basically, that's a fru.

A major character will die in the finale: true or false?

Damon and Carlton: Fru.

This is going nowhere.

Here at the Boob Tubers, we LOVE making up fake compound words and phrases. For instance, Jeanette and I often attend "double freetures"--that is, we go to Union Square and pay for one movie and then sneak into another immediately afterward. This makes for an especially good day if both films are "talkers," by which we mean entertaining crap we can mock aloud for two hours.

So I'm thrilled that two other complete dorks who think their made-up words are hilarious, to the point of repeating them over and over to no one else's amusement, are doing so well. This gives me hope that Jeanette and I will soon have a breakthrough with our own magnum opus, the eminent play This Show Bites.

This blog has nothing to do with Sawyer but I'll put a photo of him here anyway in honor of the dream I had last night in which I was rehearsing a sex scene with him. Miles watched.

So in the dream I was pretty much Kate here.

Lostie in Trouble

Henry Ian Cusick, who plays Desmond on Lost, is being sued by a former ABC employee for sexual harassment.

According to the employee, Cusick "allegedly squeezed and placed his face on the plaintiff's breasts, kissed her on the mouth, and caressed the back of her body while making moaning sounds."

Lovely! I assume he gave a muffled shout from betwixt the victim's decolletage that "I'M DOING IT FOR MY HONOR, PENNAY!"

But seriously folks, it's well-known that Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros were both booted from the show some seasons ago because they were arrested for drunk driving. If Lost has such a stringent zero-tolerance policy, I hope they apply it to Cusick as well. I admit this is mostly because I find his character extremely irritating and unnecessary, not because I have a soul.

In fact, just to illustrate how awful I am, here's a GChat I had with Jeanette about this:

me: is it wrong that i find the description of the harassment kind of hilarious
Jeanette: ummm anyone who does anything like that without anything that can be construed as consent
is the man
me: hahahah seriously
like just shoving his face in her boobs
hilar
Jeanette: boobs are so great, I get it
me: i think so too
ive had the urge many times to burrow into yours without your consent
wait what
Jeanette: DO IT
me: NEXT TIME I SEE YOU
ITS BOOB SCUBA

Lost 5x8: "LaFleur"

I found last night's episode of Lost particularly delicious because it was heavy on the Sawyer. But it was also an interesting experiment in several ways: a deviation from the show's recently action-y, time travel-y, format in which everyone is completely miserable and suffers from intermittent nose bleeds.

Brief recap: The episode begins with Locke disappearing into the well. There's a flash and a glimpse of a huge statue that some viewers think closely resembles Horus. That, coupled with the hieroglypics that would pop up back in the old button-pushing days, and Richard's apparent agelessness, makes me wonder if there's some kind of Egyptian mythology at work here.

There's one final flash, and our intrepid time travellers realize that that was the last one: Locke has succeeded. And where did the flash take them to? Why, the time of delightful muttonchop sideburns, giant collars, and groovy records: the 70s!

With Jack and Locke gone, Sawyer can finally run shit. He ably insinuates his crew in with the Dharma Initiative and even negotiates a difficult truce-breaking situation with Other Leader Richard, AKA Guyliner, AKA possibly the Egyptian god Ra. (My dumb theory.) Three years go by, in which Sawyer becomes Jim LaFleur, head of Dharma Security, all-around nice guy, and extremely schmoopy for Juliet, with whom he now lives. They seem like a really functional, happy couple, which means that as soon as they're reunited with the Oceanic 6 (which begins to happen at the episode's very end) Kate "Life Ruiner" Austen will promptly ruin their lives.

What intrigued me most about this episode was what it reveals about a philosophy that seems highlighted often on Lost: the power that comes with the possession of information; namely, the possession of MORE information than the other guy. Having hopped, skipped, and jumped through time, Sawyer & Co. have been privy to myriad aspects of the island's history that, to the folks comfortably settled in a linear time frame, they couldn't POSSIBLY know without some kind of amazing god-like abilities. Sawyer blows Richard's mind when he mentions the bomb they buried and Locke's appearance 20 years before, and by doing so diverts the Others and the Dharma Initiative from an all-out battle. It was a neat role reversal to see the Losties fucking with the Others' heads, instead of vice versa. And it also brings up interesting questions about where the Others got all their information that they used to torment the Losties with frequently throughout seasons 1-3.

Another nice touch: Sawyer names himself LaFleur, and the flower he gives Juliet after she successfully delivers a Dharma woman's baby seems emblematic of key personality changes: would he ever think to demonstrate respect and congratulations for something Kate did? No, they would just gripe at each other and be in a stupid love triangle with Jack. I don't think I will enjoy her return.

Lost-ticipation

Apparently I'm so excited about the imminent season 5 premiere of Lost that last night I had a dream I was watching it, but to my dismay it was devoid of Sawyer. Fortunately, according to dorkfest blog io9, he will be around, AND shirtless, for the entire 47 minute first episode.

Other than that, I watched a lot of dumb shit over the holidays, including Storm of the Century, a 1999 miniseries written by Stephen King. It's quite possibly the slowest-moving thriller in the world but I enjoyed the Kingian Manichean ethics on display toward the end. That's right, I just busted out a reference to Gnosticism in a TV blog. And in other Stephen King news, there's going to be a made-for-TV Children of the Corn remake, because... we really need that? Yes, definitely.

What did you watch over your holiday break?

Watch out, honey! There's a metaphorical severe weather pattern approaching!

In Which My Parents Discover "Lost"

Amidst the summer TV doldrums burns one ray of hope - my parents have begun watching Lost on DVD. They've heard so much about it from my brother and I, and they want to stay hip, you see.

I've always found enjoyment in introducing someone to a TV show (or book, even) that I love. My parents, with all their idiosyncrasies, make this experience an especially fulfilling one. Below, please find some actual conversations I have had with my parents about season 1 of Lost.

Me: Who is your favorite character?
Mom: I like John Locke a lot. We just watched the episode with the Asians.
Me: You mean Jin and Sun?
Mom: I hate the husband!
Me: Oh, he gets better. Who else do you like?
Dad: What's up with the monster?
Me: Have you seen Locke's flashback yet?
Dad: Is the monster in it?

While watching "The Moth," Charlie's first flashback episode
Mom: Why does he keep asking Locke for his drugs? He's just going to run out anyway.
Me: Yeah, that's something you know a lot about. What a bummer it is when the drugs run out.
Mom: Oh look! He threw the drugs in the fire.
Me: Don't cry.

While watching "Confidence Man," Sawyer's first flashback episode
Me: Hot. So hot.
Dad: His body is weird.
Me (grudgingly): Yeah, he does kind of have that sloping shoulders thing.
Mom: I hate that. I don't like him anymore.
(Later)
Me: Oh, it's Sayid! Do you guys like Sayid?
Dad: Haha, I love when Sawyer calls him "Abdul!"
Me: That's... that's racist.

Hopefully, there will be much more to come.

Finales Disorient and Disappoint

Last night's House season finale was rather underwhelming, much like the majority of Season 3. By the end of the episode, all three of the House-ettes had either resigned or been fired for reasons that remain underdeveloped, and the Patient of the Week's illness was quickly resolved with little explanation or mystery. A heart defect? That's it? Remember when this show used to have House doing autopsies on living children and unearthing shocking affairs via diagnoses of African sleeping sickness?

There's little suspense surrounding the fate of Cameron, Chase, and Foreman, considering that the actors who play them have not quit the show. The only tension is around how the writers will contrive to bring them back to the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital at the start of season 4. Let's hope that come Septemberish, House will return to form with shocking, provocative cases, a little more heat (House and Cuddy, anyone?), and fewer plot arcs featuring men as hell-bent on destroying Dr. Greg as cartoon villains.

Lost's finale already has been much-discussed across the blogscape (I prefer this term to blogosphere) so I will just say this: now that's how a show maintains fan interest during the off-season. I have no idea how showrunners Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof plan to continue the show, given the shocking nature of the finale's few minutes. Any commenters care to weigh in with their predictions?

Finally, take a gander at David Remnick's take on the end of The Sopranos. He says it better than I could, which is one of many reasons why I am not running The New Yorker.

ANTM/Lost Recap

I have decided that henceforth, when there are two shows to blog about on the same night, I will write a recap in the style of the old New Yorker film reviews: that is, attempt to link two very different shows in one piece, using a lot of B.S. about their respective themes, which I will make up.

Since the dawn of television, serial dramas have used the deaths of main characters to bolster ratings, generate discussion, and attract attention. This has become so common and familiar a practice that TV writers seem to believe that they have to kill off at least one protagonist a season, like a sacrifice to the Nielsen gods. Competitive reality television has adopted the same process, but to an even greater degree: each week, someone is ritualistically sent home, their exile from the competition a stand-in for death.

Last night was the finale of Cycle 8 of America's Next Top Model, and the penultimate episode of Lost's third season. Both episodes made promises to their audiences, and one was kept and one broken. Each ANTM guarantees a loss, often made predictable through clunky editing. On Lost, the spectre of Charlie's death has been growing with each week, as Desmond repeatedly sees flashes promising a grisly end for the former hobbit. Desmond saves him each time, but has said himself that eventually Charlie has to die, that he won't be able to prevent it.

Last night was a Charlie flashback, and that alone could be hazardous to one's health. When Desmond told Charlie that he envisioned him flipping a switch, then drowning, which somehow enabled the rescue of Claire and Aaron, it became clear that after much promise, Charlie would leave Craphole Island for good. However, a series of random flashbacks highligting Charlie's "greatest hits" - the best moments of his life - and some poignant moments with Claire and Hurley led to Charlie swimming down to the Looking Glass Station to discover the station was not flooded. "I'm alive!" he shouted, and summoned several attractive women with guns. Fin. Huh.

I will extrapolate that perhaps Charlie's death was not as simple as a flip and drown, and Desmond did not want to tell him the gruesome extent of it, because that would prevent Charlie from following through with his final heroic moment. But if the Lost writers really want to prolong Charlie's demise for another episode - and by now he HAS to die, according to Chekhov's rule - there better be a damn good reason for it.

Meanwhile, ANTM's finale featured two deaths, as two models were sent home for being - well, what exactly? Renee and Natasha are clearly not inferior to Jaslene, who, like Kate on Lost, seems capable of making only one facial expression. (And, not to be catty, but she looks like a performer at Lucky Cheng's.) I find comfort in the fact that the ANTM winner, like the sole survivor of a plane crash, is treated with suspicion by the real world. Typically, the runners-up find much greater modeling success once they've left TV Land. Hopefully, Dominic Monaghan, who plays Charlie, will do the same. While I've never liked his character, he is one of the stronger actors on the show. Maybe he can branch out from his magical creature / magical island oeuvre.

Lost Rumormongering

I try to avoid spoilers for my favorite shows. The word itself reveals why: the very nature of spoilers is to totally fuck up your potential enjoyment of an episode's various twists and turns. But the Internets are such that it is incredibly easy, and tempting, to spoil oneself. I like visiting Dark UFO for its intense dorkifications, like screengrabs of the mysterious Jacob from last week's Lost, but it also has a spoiler page that I find myself increasingly compelled to click on. I like to read Aint It Cool News's little teasers for episodes, but mostly because the ensuing insane fanboy talkbacks are hilarious. Alas, some dude named Lostfan108 (OK, buddy) posted spoilers all over the most recent talkback, several of which I glimpsed from between my fingers (yeah, I like to read websites half-blind.)

I understand how infuriating it can be to get spoiled without your consent. I once had a LiveJournal buddy who put a post behind a cut that read "I just found out I was adopted." Eager to get my Schadenfreude on by reading about someone else's family's dysfunctionality, I clicked the link. Behind which he had written "SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE" in caps like a million times. Now that called for an INSTANT DE-FRIENDING!

All this is to say, I'd love to hear some predictions for the last two episodes of this season of Lost, but that entails some airing of rumors and a confirmed spoiler or two. Caveat lector!

Qs for commenters, should you exist (and ideally will speculate on these q's, rather than answer definitively):

1) Which five characters will die?
2) Does Locke's Bad Dad count as one of the five?
3) What makes Jack's upcoming flashback so "dark"? Personally, I am hoping that the darkness means Jack commits suicide in flashback, and, to quote Douglas Adams, promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
4) Is Locke dead?
5) Who is the returning cast member? Is he/she there to stay?
6) Will Eyeliner Guy make an appearance? He's hot.
7) Any other predictions?

Leadership on Lost Island

Lost has ended it's "meh" streak and gotten hot as of late, building towards what I suspect will be a bloody Mexican stand-off between The Others and The Survivors. Last night's episode was equal parts exciting and worrisome. For example: Original Recipe Sawyer was identified and killed like the irredeemable jerkface he was. HOWEVER, James Ford Sawyer has now resolved his unfinished business, which on television means it's time to die. Hopefully ABC knows a good, hot thing when they have it and will keep JFS around.

Another example: Ben promises to teach Locke the history of Craphole Island (which I really hope doesn't involve a boring lecture on the ramifications of the Industrial Revolution in the South Pacific.) HOWEVER, this probably means one, minor question will be answered so that 10 new ones popping up in its place.

But what really nags at me lately is the issue of leadership on the island. The Lost creators are decidedly retro in their choices of Premiers of Craphole Island. (Yes, I think of them as premiers rather than say, governors. They are close to Australia, after all.) Jack seems to have been replaced by a sullen, secretive doppelganger with a penchant for overly-Botoxed women, so who will take his place? The only likely replacements are all... menfolk.

Locke is frolicking in the jungle. For some reason, despite clearly being the smartest person on the island, people overlook Sayid. A few weeks ago, Hurley suggested to Sawyer that he step up. Desmond also has an authoritative air about him, sort of like my co-blogger Jeanette. Perhaps Desmond and Jeanette should co-teach a class on the drinking habits of the Scotch-Irish. But I'm getting off track here. Why are the women of Lost never once considered, by the writers or the characters, for possible leadership roles?

Every time Kate gains some valuable knowledge, she immediately runs and tells Jack in an increasingly pathetic bid for approval. We've seen through Sun's flashbacks that despite a pampered background, she could be quite formidable when called upon. Yet she remains mostly in a traditional submissive role. The other women aren't even worthy of consideration: whiny Claire with her "BAY-BAY!", the absent Rose... is there anyone else? Oh, that's right: the strong, powerful women from last season (Ana Lucia and Libby) were killed off.

Get with the times, Lost. In a post-Buffy television landscape, it wouldn't hurt to put all those big strong men on the back burner and let a lady run the show for a while. I can see it now: Kate and Juliet, as representatives of their groups, creating a peace treaty over gossip about how Natasha from Top Model is totally a mail order bride.

The Sopranos Effect

My friend Josh has a theory that the plots of the films Donnie Brasco and Mean Girls are essentially the same. After all, what are mob families but grimmer versions of high school cliques? Many of the themes that run throughout the greatest mob stories can be found in unexpected places.

Love or hate The Sopranos (I'm looking at you, Johnny), there's no denying that it is a series that changed television. It altered the way that we perceive the rules for a TV series, what kind of content and characters we think are allowed to appear on the small screen. I've heard Tony Soprano compared to Archie Bunker, but Archie Bunker never strangled a man to death while visiting colleges with his daughter. Archie never cheated on his wife with a one-legged Russian. Having an antihero as a series' protagonist has been done, but criminals and sociopaths? Not so much. Say thank you, creators of Dexter, Weeds, Deadwood, The Riches, and House.

HBO certainly ran with the complex-baddie-as-main-character format. Deadwood's Al Swearengen and Rome's Lucius Vorenus are basically the Tony Sopranos of their respective historical periods. If you need confirmation, watch the "Gangs and Organized Crime" supplement to Rome on your HBO On Demand. The special outlines how the Mafia was born in ancient Rome's collegia, which were guilds run by powerful gangsters. Because there was no police force then, the collegia controlled the streets. Like the Mafia, collegia members protected local residents and gave charity to the poor, but they also were responsible for the brutal murders of those who resisted them.



And like Tony & Co., we see on Rome that the men of the collegia were deeply religious, though with less Jesus and more Janus. In fact, Vorenus is not taken seriously by rival collegia until he declares himself a "son of Hades." Then it becomes clear that he is not fucking around, because hey, the god of the underworld is the ultimate villain with whom to align yourself. Respect gained, Vorenus then saw visitors who would make requests of him, Don Corleone style.

I'm also convinced that on Lost, The Others are a kind of South Pacific mafia. Their name alone evokes several qualities associated with the mob: exclusivity, mystery, power. They are structured in a manner identical to mob families, that is, like a small dictatorship. Ben Linus (formerly Henry Gale) is the all knowing leader. His underlings secretly infiltrate and subvert the survivors, like in The Departed. They deem particular survivors as among "the good ones," presumably worthy of joining them. Locke is one of the chosen few and, based on the last episode, has come over to their side. Whether he will be made a capo remains to be seen.

Perhaps these shows are simply reflecting society in a funhouse mirror, offering exaggerated interpretations of our own tendencies to form insular posses in order to feel secure. What do you think, readers? What are other shows that are really mob stories?