Grandma! That was NOT NICE of you to try and assassinate Ford!

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New Shows for 09

Blah blah blah upfronts blah blah blah. Look here for a sneak preview of all new shows. What do you think?!?!

Jon and Kate Plus Alimony

Alanna and I have written the following letter to Jon and Kate in light of their recent marital troubles and the allegations thrown their way by America's favorite bitchster in law, Aunt Jodi! You should comment in order to informally sign our petition so that we get the cutest of the Gosselins for our very own.

Dear Jon and Kate,

Below please find the main reasons you should give custody of Aadan and Hannah to Alanna and Jeanette while you both work your bizarre marital difficulties out.

1) Aaden is clearly a burgeoning intellectual, and we think he'd feel more at home in Alanna's apartment, where she and her boyfriend are atheist teachers with graduate degrees who will encourage him to pursue his cerebral leanings much better than two cuckolded Christians living in rural Pennsylvania for whom eating kimchi is an exotic experience.

2) Hannah, although young, has already taken on the characteristics of a nurturing, maternal caregiver. Adorable, we're sure it's really convenient for you that she is there to kiss Joel's booboos while you're off schtooping the Silver Fox security guard, but girl needs some sense knocked into her before she ends up barefoot and pregnant with penttuplets at sixteen. So clearly, she should live with Jeanette.

3) We won't give them evil things like gum and M and Ms. We're no Aunt Jodi. (Note: this is a lie. M and Ms are a crucial part of childhood.)

4) They won't be filmed 24/7, thus giving them a better shot at not ending up having their privates photographed as they climb out of a limo to go snort coke off Jaden Federline's belly at Bungalow 8.

5) We have a weird obsession with qaud and octa ethnicitied children. Having quadrasian babies leads to the inevitable octrasian grandkids. You do not deserve this awesome privilege.

In conclusion, with only 6 children remaining, you will no longer need to buy HALF A FRIGGIN' ORGANIC COW to feed your family. Good God.

Love,
Alanna and Jeanette

Fightin' Irish

Have you guys caught Obama's speech at the Notre Dame commencement from this weekend? After making some vague comments inviting pro-lifer's to give their stance some consideration, Obama was heckled by some in-audience protestors.

Here's why this is hilarious. With this new administration, we TOTALLY have to have, like, a gestalt switch, when it comes to our mental image of protestors. Throughout the Bush administration, it's been your typical neo hippy looking liberal.

But THESE guys that yell out at Obama totally look like, well, my dad. Or, in other words, a Kennedy before he goes to the fat/detox camp they all hit up before a bout on the campaign trail. Or a Kennedy that is enough of an incumbent that he is able to let himself go again.

Watch the speech below to see what I mean. Sorry for it being Fox news, but, you know, they seem to be the ones paying this the most attention. Check out the guys around 2:46 and 4:47. The second one is practically waving his shalaly in anger. HA.

What Alex Trebek Would Call A True Potpourri

1. So I am WAY behind on my HOUSE viewing. Either I have been really busy for the past few months or just slipping into comas for long periods of time and not realizing it. If its the latter, I hope that we can make a HOUSE episode about it where it turns out the only cure for me is having sex with House...and his cane. Wait, what? Anyway, just the other night I watched the episode from 3/30/09 in which Mos Def plays the victim of trapped in syndrome and we see House and his team from a Mos Def's ailing POV. I have subsequently dubbed this episode THE DIVING HOUSE AND THE VICODIN FLY. I think when I get to the episode where Kutner kills himself, I will blog it as if I watched it in a completely timely fashion.

2. Reason 1,435 I have no soul. This kid--not even remotely adorable to me. Back me up, he's kind of an asshole, no?

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3. My two worlds of fandom are colliding, as Neil Patrick Harris is set to host the Tony's on June 7th. I should liveblog it and show you how dorky I can be. We certainly would not have the same obstacle we had last time we tried to live blog (that being an overhwelming hetero male presence).

Lost Finale Tonight!

I am pleased to announce that Lost showrunners Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof talk exactly like Jeanette and I, if this excerpt from a Washington Post interview with them is any indication:

You're going to love these true-false questions [about tonight's finale]. The first question --

Carlton: Wait, wait. Before you ask them, there's true and false and then "what's the correct evasive response."

The correct evasive response is "We decline to comment."

Damon: Or, I'd like to invent "fru."

Will we know who Jacob is before this season's finale is over?

Damon: That depends what you mean by "is."

Carlton: You'll have more information, definitely.

Damon: Let's say you'll finally be able to put up a picture of Jacob in your locker.

Will we know whether the characters on the show can change their fates, and therefore their futures, before the finale is over?

Damon: That's not even a true-or-false question.

Carlton: Basically, that's a fru.

A major character will die in the finale: true or false?

Damon and Carlton: Fru.

This is going nowhere.

Here at the Boob Tubers, we LOVE making up fake compound words and phrases. For instance, Jeanette and I often attend "double freetures"--that is, we go to Union Square and pay for one movie and then sneak into another immediately afterward. This makes for an especially good day if both films are "talkers," by which we mean entertaining crap we can mock aloud for two hours.

So I'm thrilled that two other complete dorks who think their made-up words are hilarious, to the point of repeating them over and over to no one else's amusement, are doing so well. This gives me hope that Jeanette and I will soon have a breakthrough with our own magnum opus, the eminent play This Show Bites.

This blog has nothing to do with Sawyer but I'll put a photo of him here anyway in honor of the dream I had last night in which I was rehearsing a sex scene with him. Miles watched.

So in the dream I was pretty much Kate here.