House, M.D. has been cancelled!

Just kidding, readers. That was a Halloween trick, if you will, much akin to a traditional suburban egging. Or a hearty BOO! from a sheeted figure waiting around the corner. Or the use of a slit condom, discovered after an All Hallow’s Eve lovemaking session in a shaving cream and pumpkin gut covered alley. Boy was I a cheeky trickster that year!

Instead, I bring up House, M.D. to briefly mention that last Saturday’s episode of SNL was, by far, the best of the season. Sure, first time host Hugh Laurie benefited from the strength of a cold open courtesy of Borat himself. But he also had decades of experience to fall back on, and the entire show was rife with his trademark BBC humoUr. It is beyond imperative that you go here to hear Hugh’s protest song before the Peacock’s internet police make them take it down. (Sorry, Peacock, if it was on SNL’s site or I Tunes, I would have sent them there first and greased your feather covered palm.)

And now, we turn to the other side of today’s most frequently invoked dichotomy for a Halloween TREAT: daytime television’s... COSTUME PALOOZA!

The fun started bright and early this morning, as Today's Matt Lauer and Al Roker got their Jack Sparrow and Davey Jones on. I was really surprised that Matt changed into a suit before his interview with former GE chairman Jack Welch. Sure Jack Sparrow may not scream journalistic integrity, but I thought the pirate's presence during an interview with a former captain of industry re: the current state of our nation's dismal employment sitaution could have taught the housewives of the midwest an important lesson in symbolism. Oprah's book club could have been revolutionized! I was also surprised when Al's face tentacles prevented him from finding his own mouth during a segment on Halloween candy. For a while now, I had believed that doctor's inadvertantly placed a food magnet in Al's stomach, as opposed to the initally requested gastric band.


Only across town, but what I am beginning to believe is a parallel universe, on Live with Regis and Kelly, Regis did his best Howie Mandel while Kelly Ripa was one of the suitcase toting models from Deal or No Deal. At one point, Kelly pretended to speak like a foreigner and have no clue what was going on. HA! Did I say pretended? Unfortunately, couldn't land any images of this shit show, so unlike with the kids plugging books on Reading Rainbow, you actually will have to take my word for it.

Marth Stewart deemed today black cat day. Sure you'd think this might be a tribute to the lure surrounding these mysterious felines, but insiders know this is a tribute to the gang she joined in lock down, the Black Pussies. And boy those lead tattoos must have gone to her head, because in teasers, Martha told us we would be seeing the Pussy Cat Dolls, but all we got were these gals, minus the astonishing Raven.

By the time The View rolled around, you may think that I was costumed out. Quite the contrary, my friends. I was fit as a fiddle and ready to take in the ladies dressed as famous queens throughout history. Take a look here as they interview the reigning queen of rock. Hot topics, however, have never been more disturbing, as guest host Kathie Lee Gifford as Catherine the Great sat stroking a toy horse. WHA WHA WHA WHAT?! If you could ACTUALLY handle horse cock, Kathie, maybe Frank wouldn't have had to rent out Motel 8 rooms for him and the local Applebee's hostess.

If your time was more valuable than mine today and you missed daytime television's COSTUME PALOOZA, but you're still in the mood for a Halloween treat, don't miss tonight's Late Night with Conan O'Brien in skelevision.

And if you're joining the boob tubers for the first time, courtesy of our nod on Cinematical, WELCOME and KEEP READING! Every time we get a hit, a Malawian orphan gets adopted.

"Love makes you do the wacky." --Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Too right you are, Buffy, especially when the love in question is for two dead guys. Today, as part of the brilliantly-themed Vampire Blog-a-thon, sponsored by Nathaniel of The Film Experience, I will tackle the age-old question that has tormented academics and fangirls alike: Angel or Spike? (Or, if you prefer, Tall, Dark, and Forehead or Captain Peroxide?)



I'd just like to see [Angel] grow. Honestly, everything he's done so far I've enjoyed, so there's not really one thing. Maybe, like, golfing or something." --David Boreanaz
There's nothing I love better than one of these completely insane one-liners. Unfortch, Angel the character lacked much of Boreanaz's off-the-wall charisma. In my mind, Angel didn't grow much on Buffy. He had two wildly different states of being, yes: guilt-plagued, brooding good guy and nasty, rage-filled bad guy. The most he could do was flip-flop between those two and occasionally make Buffy cry. Perhaps the problem is that Angel was too much a part of Buffy's central metaphor that became the show's framework in the first few seasons. That is, High School Is Hell. Sometimes you sleep with a guy and he becomes a totally different peson. We all knew Buffy and Angel's relationship was doomed from day one, because so much was set in stone. If Buffy sleeps with Angel, giving him one moment of true contentment, he will revert to the evil Angelus. And in the Buffyverse, as in our world, there's not much hope for a partnership with those kind of sexual high stakes. Once Angel goes from a mopey repenter to Angelus, we've seen everything he can do. (That is, until his spin-off.)

"The truth is, I like this world. You’ve got – the dog racing, Manchester United, and you’ve got people: billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs." --Spike
Spike, however, remained an unpredictable presence for much of the series. Unlike Angel, he didn't have a split personality - no soulless doppelganger. Soulless Spike was not very different from Soul-Having Spike, so there were much fewer rules dictating his behavior. We saw from the beginning that he was a different sort of vampire, cut from a more romantic, Anne Rice-ish mold. The Judge told Spike and his highly irritating girlfriend, Drusilla, that they had too much humanity in them. "Yeah, what of it?" Spike said. Spike never seemed evil so much as a juvenile delinquent in arrested development. He took a manic glee in creating havoc for havoc's sake and had some of the best one-liners ever uttered on television. Unlike Angelus, who was a by-the-book villain, Spike was much more self-aware; he turned the bad guy cliches on their head. He also was incredibly sensitive, even without a soul: see season five's "Fool For Love" to see how quickly Buffy breaks the guy who has "always been bad."

"I love syphilis more than you." --Spike
Sigh. It's no surprise that Buffy should fall for either of these cradle-robbing creatures of the night, despite Angel's massive forehead or the fact that Spike's hair makes his head look like a Q-tip. But Angel is ultimately a eunuch, or the forbidden fruit if you prefer something less emasculating. Angel will always be Buffy's first love, but their relationship is a dead end.

In season four, Spike is rendered impotent by a microchip the Initiative places in his brain; in one episode, in which Buffy and Faith switch bodies, Faith-as-Buffy humiliates him sexually with some vivid dialogue. (I seem to remember "make you pop like champagne" being said at some point.) In season 5, Spike has an epiphany after having an erotic dream about Buffy. Turns out, all that fighting they've done is kind of like third base for Spike. And so begins some of the most perverse sex ever aired on network television. We all thank you, Spike.

Her relationship with Angel forces Buffy to become independent. She discovers when she must kill Angel, that at the end of the day she has only herself to rely on. Spike, on the other hand, forces Buffy into more existential dilemmas about herself, the nature of her job, her baser wants and instincts. And I don't know about you all, but exploring those baser wants and instincts were far more fun than watching Buffy swoon in Angel's arms.

Advantage: Spike.

Sex and the City Pre-Election Day Special

Voters go the polls in two weeks from today, and both houses of Congress are up for grabs. I was reading expert pollster Charlie Cook's website today as I am wont to do around election time and was reminded of Sex and the City.

Cook predicts Democratic takeovers of the House and Senate, an analysis I wish I could agree with. It is true that recent polling looks good. But Cook, like many political analysts in 2002 and 2004, neglects to consider the vastly superior GOP turnout operation - the Repubs know how to get their voters to the polls (I assume it involves promising them free vials of orphan blood or something) and they cheat (a recent gambit involved distributing pamphlets in poor, under-educated precincts in Mississippi that said Republicans should vote on election day while Democrats should vote on November 8th "in order to avoid long lines"). Usually the combination of high turnout and shameless cheating gets Republican candidates 2-5 extra points over what they're polling prior to the actual voting.

Sex and the City ignored a similar gaping political inconsistency sometime back. You may recall the early episodes of Season 3 in which Carrie dated a candidate for City Comptroller (also known as the guy with the urine-in-the-shower fetish - a phenomenon which deserves a blog post in and of itself). She expressed enormous ambivalence about the political process in a conversation with the gals, clearly betraying her as an unregistered voter. Okay. Fast forward to episode 80, "Hop, Skip, and a Week"...Carrie has JURY DUTY! Perhaps Darren Star would like to explain how an unregistered voter gets jury duty. Uh huh...I'm waiting.

Un. Fucking. Believable.

In an age when 15 year old girls are as likely to get excited about civics as Pat Buchanan is about Holocaust reparations, is it any wonder that S&TC can't bother to keep things straight for its target audience? I guess it's all cool as long as the Manolo Blahniks look good. Thanks for ruining democracy, by the way.

I suppose I will one day forgive the writers for this pathetic oversight. But Sarah Jessica Parker - as articulate a spokesperson for abortion rights as any Hollywood A-lister - should know better. She could at least have ad libbed something.

Berger: Are you telling me the guy had a mango in his suitcase?

Carrie: He did! And I'm also telling you that voting is cool!

Berger: Your excitement about the political process has inspired me to not break up with you on a post-it.

Carrie: Let's have sex!

And...scene.

Vampire Blog-a-Thon: Interview with The Vampire

Brace yourselves, readers, for a blood spattered October 30 blog-a-thon extravaganza! Watch the video above for details and mid-nineties, less-crazy Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. Mmm.

Alanna's TV Round-Up: Questions for the Day

1. I've just tuned in to the delicious smuttiness that is Nip/Tuck. I know, I'm way behind the curve. But can someone tell me whether they always tie up troublesome plotlines so abruptly? See: The crazy would-be nanny Sean slept with getting hit by a plot device, I mean bus. And Sanaa Latham's husband having a deus ex machina, I mean stroke. I feel the show writers are missing excellent opportunities for blackmail stories. Come on, I want to see the despicable main characters plunging into the deepest shame spirals possible, not getting what they want four episodes into the season.

2. Lost was groovy last night. Anything with Pretty Boy Boone, sweat lodges, and hippie communes cum marijuana factories is fine by me. But are they ripping off Heroes by giving Desmond psychic abilities? And WHEN will we learn how Locke got paralyzed? I've heard a million different theories, including: botched suicide attempt; injured when Hurley made that deck collapse with his powers of fatosity; car accident with Sawyer. This is a question that could easily be answered, and should be. Soon.

3. Do you think Hiro on Heroes is a Sambo character? Vivian does. He certainly has that stereotypical anime character thing going for him, but I think it's tempered by his more sober and slightly sleazy friend. And how cool was that future-Hiro at the end of last episode? Well, just another shocking Heroes ending™.

4. Was anyone surprised that Jeffrey won Project Runway? I mean, even I could see that he was the most talented of the bunch, despite being periodically blinded by his hideos neck-tattoos (necktoos?). YEAH DETROIT!!

McFighty

We're none of us Grey's Anatomy fans, but I can't help but take notice at the recent brouhaha on their set. For those of you who are too busy going to the opera or adopting African orphans to pay attention to B-list scuffles, Isaiah Washington tried to choke a bitch -- the bitch in question being Patrick Dempsey.

I can't really speculate as to what this was about, but there's definitely something about Dempsey's mug that makes me want to break out my long-abandoned tae kwan do skills. Look at him - he's smug, simpering, other "s" words. He looks like Sean Penn's goofy little brother. (The one who didn't OD.) And face it, McDreamy fans - that hair is ridiculous.

They Come Out So You Don't Have To

In honor of National Coming Out Day, we at The Boob Tubers encourage our GLBT visitors to find the courage they need to fly their rainbow flags high... through, of course, the magic of television. Without further ado, my favorite TV queers:

1. Willow & Tara on Buffy the Vampire Slayer
These two were the first lesbian couple to appear on primetime TV. What a difference a few years makes. Willow's metamorphosis from a cutesy, stammering nerd larvae into a big, beautiful, Wiccan lesbian butterfly was one for the ages. The singular Buffy writers made her sexual awakening believable and relatable (except for the being able to float part). And Tara was her sweetie who, despite being a fairly minor character, got a show-stopping number in the Buffy musical, Once More With Feeling. You make me come...plete indeed.



2. Jodie Dallas on Soap
Frankly, I know very little about this character, as I was but a twinkle in my mama's eye when this show aired. But Billy Crystal grew up one town over from me (Strong Island WHAT!) and he played this dude, the first openly gay regular character on an American series.

3. The Fab Five on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
They're a little past their prime, but they shaped Bravo into the delightfully flamey network it is today. Tim Gunn, you betta recognize!



4. David & Keith on Six Feet Under
That crazy HBO. It wasn't enough for them to have a gay couple, they had to be a gay interracial couple as well! What's next, elaborate fantasy sequences involving the Corpse of the Week and some kind of musical number? I keed, I keed. David and Keith stand out because they were given as much screen time and drama as any other couple on Six Feet Under. They were alternately wretched and adorable, but by the series finale I was convinced they were meant for each other. Granted, whenever I watched the show with my dad he carried on so much you'd think the sight of two men kissing was burning the eyeballs right out of his head. So the social value here is negligible, if my dad is your sample population.

5. Shane on The L Word
This show is pretty much terrible and preposterous, but Katherine Moennig as Shane is the sexiest dirtbag to ever grace television. I want to both wash her hair and make out with her.



6. Rickie Vasquez on My So-Called Life
Rickie is the gay best friend every girl wants to have. He did his makeup with BFFs Rayanne and Angela in the girl's bathroom and secretly, sadly was infatuated with Jordan Catalano. (Who WASN'T?!?) I recently heard a crazy story: actor Wilson Cruz was kicked out of his home for being gay while filming. When his father saw the ironically parallel episode in which Rickie also ends up on the streets, he invited Wilson back home and they reconciled. See, TV does heal all wounds.

7. Mr./Ms. Garrison on South Park
Well, I just made a mockery of this whole list, didn't I?

Jeanette's Stream of Consciousness, 10/9/06 Studio 60 , Reliving Jay Mohr's Nightmare (it's not waking up each day realizing he's Jay Mohr)

Since my posts are done when I am at work, it's becoming harder and harder for me to write manifestos as we have seen other tubers do, namely regarding Lost. Jesus, I didn't get a word of that. OTHERS? POLAR BEARS? COCONUTS?! WHAT?! WHO IS WITH ME!? ABC, you so crazy.

So here are my television thoughts for Tuesday, October 10th...

I do not understand entertainment trade publications and their need for nicknames. When CBS is referred to solely as the eye, it makes sense. It is easier to say eye than it is to say CBS. The same can be said for NBC being referred to as the peacock. Say them both out loud...now which is easier? Why, peacock of course, both for its lack of a third syllable and its tendency to give you the giggles! But calling ABC the alphabet network and its parent company Disney the Mouse House, while cute, does not save breath or trees. It does, however, make any speaker invoking the slang sound just as cool as Ari Gold.

Last night, the second half hour of Studio 60 was magnamulous. I continue to be thrilled to see Evan Handler in a meaty, post Sex and the City role. Last night, Evan's Ricky Beck handled chaos with grace as Dylan (Bradley Whitford) and Matt (Matthew Perry) dealt with plagarism from the writer's room. Simon's (DL Hughley) abnormally funny rant on the Studio 60 version of Weekend Update was reminscent of a piece written much earlier by someone else... In Gasping for Airtime, Jay Mohr recalls a similar incident , where he blatantly steals a bit from Rick Shapiro's stand up. If it is the first month of Studio 60 and we have already seen them deal with this issue, and other predictable live TV show issues such as power outages, where do we stand with plot development, you may ask. I say we still haven't seen Dylan do blow off a hooker's ass, so this show has room to grow!

And also, please don't accuse me of getting on the box full of peacock soap that pays my rent, but feel free to enjoy tomorrow night's premiere of 30 Rock. I have seen the pilot which is certainly better than any 30 minute comedy out there on network TV (Ahem, Two and a Half Craps, eye network). But even if tomorrow's show doesn't 100% strike your fancy, please tune in next week, when the show is supposed to be HILarious.

Lost, 10/4/06: How did The Others get DSL???

This week on the Lost premiere: Jack, Kate, and Sawyer (for love triangle purposes, I'll just call them Skack) are in Otherville, which turns out to be a suburban utopia complete with muffins, book clubs, and high-speed access to Australian autopsy reports. Unfortunately for our protagonists, they're being held in the rough part of town.

Jack's in a 24-esque prison cell, where a cute blond named Juliet quickly breaks him like the pansy with daddy issues that he is.

Sawyer's in a bear cage, where he mostly glowers, quips, and figures out how to get a fish biscuit, but much more slowly than the bears did. Heh. Sawyer's dumber than your average bear.

Kate gets to don a dress and handcuffs for a beachside breakfast with The Artist Formerly Known as Henry Gale. TAFKAHG tells her to enjoy, because the next two weeks are going to be rough. Oh, shit. Two weeks in Lost time is like a full television season in the real world.

The rest of the Losties are nowhere to be found. We still have no idea whether Locke, Desmond, and Mr. Eko are alive after the hatch-splosion. Wait, that's not true. The actors' names are all in the opening credits. Mystery solved. However, I wish episode 3.1 could have tackled at least one question instead of dwelling, once again, on a Jack flashback (Jackback?) in which our hero is so put upon by the world. Sorry, when I consider the tragic backstories of other characters (Locke's dad stole his KIDNEY??? Sawyer witnessed his parents' murder-suicide???) I can't drudge up much sympathy for a self-rigteous jackass with such garden-variety problems as a drunk dad and a cheatin' wife.

Now, I'm not one to complain about Lost's deliberate pacing and cornucopia of mysteries. I enjoy its multilayered WTF-ness; it's what keeps me coming back. However, I agree with one Television Without Pity poster who said that the trouble with the show is that when it does answer questions, it only addresses the whats, never the whys or hows. For example:

Q: What cause the plane to crash?
A: An electromagnetic pulse emitted by the hatch.
Q: But... why? Why did the hatch have world-destroying electromagnetism that was diffused by pushing a button? Who made it so? Now that the hatch exploded, where does the EMP go? How will that effect the island?
A: Shut the fuck up.

My advice to the Lost team: Get crackin' on those whys soon, or you'll soon end up with a X-Files Season 11 mess. Also: Sawyer looks warm in that cage in the middle of the jungle. Maybe he should take his clothes off.

Hugh "BFF of Jeanette and Alanna" Laurie to Host SNL

Sure, we've been bashing SN-Smell and NBC lately, but this news offers a glimmer of hope for the anorexic Saturday Night Live. Unlike most hosts, Hugh Laurie actually has a background in comedy and could theoretically write some of his own material. Is it foolish to hope we'll be spared the typical audience plant, "Oh hey, I didn't know you were British!" opening monologue antics in favour of an actual, you know, monologue? If not, Hugh's one host who I wouldn't mind to see singing instead of making jokes about car accidents (cough*DaneCook*cough). If you haven't ever experienced Hugh Laurie's lyrical stylings, check out season 1, episode two of Jeeves and Wooster. Hidy hidy hidy ho, indeed.

In any case, this calls for a blogtastic countdown to Hugh's SNL gig, which Jeanette and I will be DVR'ing because we're throwing a Halloween party that night. Yes, we're actually forgoing real time television. No, you're not invited.

So check back here throughout the month for Hugh-themed countdowns to October 28, AKA The Day Which Shall Live in Infamy. We'll post our favorite House bon mots, photographs, and whatever else we feel like when we're too lazy to come up with an actual update.

COUNTDOWN STATUS: 24 DAYS UNTIL HUGH LAURIE HOSTS SNL

Weekend Round Up, Degrassi, SN-SMELL, Saved by the Smell, Discovery Smell-las (which one doesn’t really work…)

The new season of Degrassi: the Next Generation started Friday night. Let me say it is a good thing that our neighbors to the north are liberal, because when I get picked up for seducing a minor (AKA, Daniel "biceps" Clark), I want to be tried in a bleeding heart court of love. As Dr. Gregory House said, “You can’t stop our love!”


Pictures of Daniel on the Internet are scarse, but that’s probably for the better. I don’t want to end up being interviewed by Dateline’s Chris Hansen with my pants off.

Anyway, I give the premiere four out of five chunks of Gouda, because it was cheese-tastic!

I want nothing more than to love Saturday Night Live. Ever since I was a four-year-old, flat-boobed tuber, watching Nick at Nite, asking my mother what consumption of mass quantities meant, the humor has reached out to me like no actual friends or emotional bonds could.

By the end of the 31st, 2005-2006 season, though, some would argue that it was as if Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker, himself had jumped on top of the show, leaving a pile of kindling (and the remains of Chris Parnell, Horatio Sanz, and Finesse Mitchell’s careers) to be swept up by Jane, the Studio 8H cleaning lady.

I have spent too many early Sunday mornings drunkenly quoting Amy Poehler’s Caitlin to be completely down on season 31, or the show in general. But when you have a weekend update team that is supposed to have more chemistry than Fred and Ginger, and they only get mild chuckles, Lorne Michael’s pulse has probably increased from ‘Canadian’ to ‘concerned.’ I’m not giving up yet, and stay tuned here as I will let you know how the new, streamlined cast is doing…


I’m certainly not breaking the news to blog land that Dustin Diamond, aka Screech of Saved by the Bell fame has had a sex tape leaked. But I am breaking social mores when I out myself and fellow boob tuber Alanna for following his lead. We spent our entire Saturday night giving each other fake dirty sanchezes from unknowing providers of…special moustache paint. Too much?


DVR is waiting for me to watch the first installment of the Discovery Channel’s new series Discovery Atlas. The Discovery Channel and I have had a tight relationship ever since they showed me my first naked boobies that weren’t my mom’s. Now they continue to fascinate me with this installment that will spend two hours simply profiling a different country this week. If you saw it, let me know what you thought of last night’s premiere on China (read: let me know which dog recipe looked best). Italy is featured next Sunday at 9 PM!

We Could Be Heroes, if We Weren't So Sloppy With Plot Development

Unlike Jeanette, I am free to trash NBC up and down Broadway (and other popular thoroughfares.) I can tell you that Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is a self-important snore, a masturbatory tribute to TV-making, fraught with typical Aaron Sorkin non-humor. Example: the cutesy dialogue between Matthew "Oxycontin" Perry and Bradley "Wha...? Zzzz..." Whitford in the second episode, "The Cold Open." Brad asks Matt if he still loves some chick named Harriet, and Matt's like nah, I just appreciate her talent, and her convictions, and her legs. Brad's like, Oh man, you're in trouble, and Matt's like, yeah I know. HILARIOUS RIGHT?

So that blows. And NBC's most popular show still involves people yelling at girls with bad boob jobs to open suitcases. HOWEVER. I caught Heroes the other night, and like the suckiest of suckers, I was sold. The show may rip off X-Men shamelessly with a little bit of Lost thrown in, but it managed to hook me despite some cheese. Let's compare the good with the dairy-based:

Good:
* Several genuine moments of surprise. Par example: at the end of the pilot, we learn that a main heroine's father is also the creep pursuing a different protagonist for his possibly revolutionary scientific theories.
* Unpredictable reactions to discovery of superpowers. Por ejemplo: aforementioned cheerleader is appalled to discover she is indestructible. This makes her a socially-unacceptable freak, she reasons. Yeah, because broken bones are the new black.
* Diverse cast includes East Asian, South Asian, and drug addict characters. Oh wait, that's Lost. * OK, we'll let that go because the East Asian character is hilarious!
* And the South Asian is HOT! What's up with me and the subcontinent lately?
* It takes place in New York.
* Ensemble cast guarantees you'll like at least some of them.
* Special effects look quite promising so far. If the show can keep up a hefty budget, viewers have some neat sci-fi tricks to look out for.


Dairy:
* Thus far the show leans heavily on the ever-popular "serendipitous encounters" motif.
* Writers show a propensity for dialogue of the anvils raining from the heavens variety. People, how many workshops do you need before you grasp the "Show, Don't Tell" rule? There are ways to provide backstory that don't involve dialogue like, "Well, good thing I'm a politician and our mom is dead and you were always such a dreamer!"
* Why is everyone's power cool except for the hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold character, who has a terrifying, evil doppelganger? OK, that's not cheesy, but it's a plot wrinkle.
* I mean, this is VERY X-Men. I hope the showrunners decide to wriggle out of the formula a bit. Lost did new and exciting things, like break TV's language barrier and use flashback in innovative ways. Heroes needs to find its own schtick if it plans to stick around.

Or Hugh Jackman could join the cast as Wolverine, in which case I would gladly watch each week. Jeanette says that Hugh Jackman is too fruity to crush on, but come on. Jeanette likes Ewan MacGregor, who starred in two of the queerest films ever made: Moulin Rouge and Velvet Goldmine. He should make a sequel, Velvet Rouge, which concludes with Ewan spontaneously combusting into a pile of glitter and old Liza Minelli CDs.

Jill's in the Dawg Pound!

Sure it's easy to sit back on our Ikea couch that we dragged in from the street, watch tv on a 13 inch screen, and throw occasional insults at the screen in between mouthfuls of the inexpensive, frozen delicacies that make up our dinner hour...and then waste even more time writing about it on the internet. That's why I am proposing that BoobTubers be more proactive about resolving the topics of our kvetching (SP? Help me out, Juden). Starting now, the BoobTubers will bear the burden of finding the FUTURE TALENT OF TELVISION vision vision vision (see what I did there?).

Let's start with a plug for my former co-worker and friend Jill's appearance on yesterday's episode of Martha Stewart. She sang for guest Randy Jackson, in the hopes of being swooped up for the next season of American Idol to save viewers and listeners from travesties like Bucky Covington. Blech.

Anyway, check Jill out! Click the link and go to the first Randy Jackson/spaghetti squash segment. Even if you don't like curly headed crooners, you can learn a great autumnal recipe. MMMM.

Insert George Michael Pun Here

Fox's recent announcement that it will launch a division dedicated to films with Christian themes reveals that the network best known for feeding people cow eyeballs is tapping into a significant but much-overlooked market. We at the Boob Tubers can only hope that this project will be such a success that Fox will also create new TV programming dedicated to the J-Man (that's Jesus, for you uninitiated heathens.) Here are some titles we think would be appropriate for a hypothetical channel that is ALL CHRISTIAN! ALL THE TIME!

* Fear of God Factor
* Hell's Kitchen (Is Where Jews Go When They Die)
* House of the Lord, M.D.
* The JC
* King of the Sacristy
* So You Think You Can Recite Scripture
* Trading Chapels: Meet Your New (and More Ungodly) Sect
* The Passion of the Christ: The Series

Any other shows we might look forward to?

The Fifth Character

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I finished my college thesis (which was not, you’ll note, written on Sex and the City) I found enough spare time to immerse myself in S&TC DVD extras. Somewhere in the requisite cast and crew interviews the costume designer argued that New York truly was "the fifth character" in the series.

The implication is that New York framed the show as much as any of the characters. I’ll buy that to a point. But the truth is that New York is a much better character than any of them. It has everything they don’t: nuance, grit, at least one set of size C breasts, and a genuine (if subtle) humility.

If you ask me, the series tragically under-exploited New York (I’m including all five boroughs). For Carrie and the gang, "New York" meant SoHo, the Village, Chelsea, Midtown, and the Uppers. But where was the "Carrie Goes to Brownsville" episode? You don’t think she could’ve had colorful adventures making love at the peak of Fort Tryon Park or getting wasted at the beer garden in Astoria? Tell me Samantha wouldn’t have learned some valuable life lessons from blowing a crack addict in Mott Haven.

On rare occasions when the show deigns to include an outer borough, it is presented as faceless and depressing. Miranda and Steve move to Park Slope without an acknowledgement of the neighborhood’s name. And moving there was presented as some huge compromise for her. Park Slope?! It's Carnegie Hill without the three Hispanic people.

Sorry, but Manhattan snobbery died forty years ago when Manhattan stopped being worth being snobbish about. The city’s intrigue is found on the fringes of the island and in the nooks and crannies of the outer boroughs, where authenticity comes naturally and there’s more to nightlife than $10 mixed drinks and trying to find Kate Hudson playing beer pong.

It has become a cliché to bemoan Manhattan’s abundance of luxury condos and Starbuckses, but that isn’t even really the problem. The problem is that the family-owned coffee shop the Starbucks replaced wasn’t that good to begin with. The ethnic enclaves were always more real and more interesting outside Manhattan. Manhattan had glamour, maybe, but glamour is elusive. Perhaps there have been periods of time in Manhattan’s history when it was genuinely glamorous. This ain’t one of them.

In some ways Sex and the City gets that exactly right. Carrie’s disappointment at the hollowness of club openings and Manhattan’s suffocating insularity comes through from time to time. But mostly we get a fantasy Manhattan, as bubbly and one dimensional as the ladies themselves.

I voted in the Democratic primary yesterday at a cramped, under-funded Brooklyn elementary school. The kids were screaming, and the incompetent poll workers couldn’t find my name in the book even after I pointed to it. But there were free blintzes and coffee available to all. That’s New York as she should be, and it doesn’t take three apple-tinis and a $400 pair of shoes to make her worth the while.

Only the Lonely(girl15)

Many critics have been saying that we are currently in the midst of a golden age of television. (To which I say, And where does Survivor: Third Reich fit into that?) But those well-versed in this Internet I've been hearing so much about know that YouTube is where it's at. And the recent revelation about Lonelygirl15 proves that compelling, new forms of entertainment media are on the rise.

For those of you who don't have the time to creepily fixate on jailbait with video blogs, I'll get you all caught up on the Lonelygirl15 saga. LG15 purports to be Bree, a 16-year-old home-schooled kid. She's bright, fresh-faced, and a little sheltered, carrying on a clandestine romance with her awkward video editor, Daniel. Bree is engaging and believable (though not so believable is the flawless quality of her videos. No camgirl was ever so perfectly lit.) Her family is into some vague religion that creeps Daniel out. Recently, viewers noticed a framed photo of Alistair Crowley in Bree's room that led them to question... could it be Satan???

Little clues like these add to the intrigue, but LG15's sweet, innocent demeanor and overall ridiculous cuteness are what draw thousands of readers to her videos every week. Of course, many suspected that this was an elaborate hoax, and the above article reveals that they were right- sort of. The LG15 project was intended to introduce folks to an episodic version of a movie created by novice filmmakers. These clever guys caught on to the power of YouTube, which has already sent networks scrambling (see NBC frantically pulling SNL skits left and right from the site) and has producer types unnerved about the meteoric rise of home movie appeal among the 18-34 demographic.

And why not? Bree is a character whose everyday mini-dramas young people can relate to (oh, except for that devil worship part). Watching her show is free, and there are no plugs, advertisements, or censors weighing it down (though the nagging sense that Bree is just a promotional tool has turned off some.) With daily videos functioning as amateur, mini soap-operas, Lonelygirl15's episodes seem like something anyone can do - but no one else has yet.

The question is whether viewers will continue to tune in to LG15, now that the jig is up. I'm betting they will, and that other filmmakers will quickly follow suit. It's a highly effective and cheap marketing tool, and the Artist Formerly Known as Bree (actually a Kiwi named Jessica Rose) could easily move to larger screens now, bringing an army a loyal fans with her.

WTF

This Monday, the five year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, CNN Pipeline will air CNN's original television coverage of that day in real time. Anyone else think this is, like, the worst idea ever?

House 9/5/06: How Many Times Are They Going to Use That Rolling Stones Song?

Last night on House: The doctor who singlehandedly increased the appearance of the word "curmudgeon" in entertainment mags triplefold appears all healed up from last season's gunshot wound / ketamine coma. See Greg run! See Greg skateboard (badly)! See Greg remain Vicodin's bitch! House and the House-ettes tackle two patients this week, one of whom has scurvy, the other of whom has... brain damage? Addison's disease? Pituitary gland problems? I still don't really know. I do know that Cuddy follows House's hunch and cures the guy, and Wilson doesn't want his BFF to know or his head will get too big. As if House's head could get any bigger.

Oh, the joy that filled our vermin-infested abode last night. Our #1 TV hottie of all time returned to our small (read: 13 inch) screen last night, radiating hotness powerful enough to defeat all the world's mice.

The episode was far from the best House, continuing an awkward season premiere tradition in which the actors wrestle with clunky, exposition-heavy dialogue, as though to say, "Welcome, new viewers! Let me get you all caught up on the 48 episodes you missed! No wait, don't change the channel to 7th Heaven reruns!" It also saw the recycling of the classic tune "You Can't Always Get What You Want" over the ending credits, as though to say "The rights to this cost a fortune! We better milk Mick Jagger for all he's worth! No wait, don't change the channel to Anderson Cooper 360!"

The Patient(s) of the Week plotlines were confusing, but the crux of the episode seemed to be House wrestling with his emotions (or lack thereof.) Now that he's as limber as Christina Aguilera and drug-free, Greggy-poo can't block out all those pesky human feelings with Vicodin. He takes on non-interesting patients because he wants to help, and then becomes so uncomfortable with this that he subjects them to a barrage of painful tests just to spice things up. It's kind of like what would happen if Spock stopped being whatever he was (OK, I never watched Star Trek) only funnier. By episode's end, House is forging Wilson's signature on a prescription for his trusty Vicodin. Must... defeat... the kindness...

Jeanette and I related to this theme perfectly. We both pride ourselves on having no souls (we even have the script memorized for our imaginary program, "The We Have No Souls Show") but of late we've found ourselves inexplicably moved by... well, the types of things ordinary folks find poignant. For instance, we both... cried... over summer reading. It's really weird - is this a hormonal, twenty-something thing? Or delayed reactions after years of repressing things without the aid of prescription drugs, but with the sheer willpower that must wear off at some point?

I hope it doesn't last, for us or for House.

Some thoughts on the television day, 9/5/06

So Rosie's View Debut was today. I have always been a huge fan of Rosie. My mother will tell you how I bullied her into getting tickets to be in the studio audience of The Rosie O'Donnell show as soon as it was physically possible. Even when she seems to be completely bonkers/an insane bitch, there's just something I love about Rosie's ability to keep it real. Let this serve as enough background to prove that I was pulling for her. Anyway, as moderator Rosie may be expected to have more voice than her co-hosts, even the ever-degenerating Baba Wawa. But, in typical Rosie fashion, Rosie couldn't seem to keep her mouth shut, or as she might write on her own blog:

i couldnt shut the
pie hole
got spit in bab's eye
but its just day 1
im still a lesbian mom

Anyway, I can see Ro working out, but I hope she tones it down a bit in the future. I barely heard Joy Behar's voice this episode. And Joy Behar's voice is like a lullaby. A sweet, sweet lullaby to get me through the 11 AM hour.
--------------------
Boss' nanny out of commission today = boss bringing kids to work = Jeanette using her college degree to babysit = Jeanette's view into the fascinating pop culture world of 4-7 year olds.

What I discovered today was...fascinating. I'm still not quite sure what to make of it and really couldn use your help, blog land. Please enjoy this promotional music video for the Disney Channel's Handy Manny. Despite what the video may tell you, Wilmer Valderama is not only Manny's friend and customer, but also the voice of Manny. Who knew that the logical step in show business went from talking about banging Ashlee Simpson and Mandy Moore on Howard Stern's show to children's television?!

ANNNND Tag, Alanna! Come back soon to see my fellow boob tuber's thoughts on tonight's highly anticipated premiere of House!

My Telitinerary for Fall 2006

Because the Boob Tubers are undeniable experts in their arena, it’s natural that you will want to base your Fall 2006 TV viewing habits completely on ours. I know Alanna was dying for me to write about my feelings on “Survivor: Third Reich,” but instead I want to first fill you in on what I will (and will not) be watching this upcoming season.

Sunday
Note: Some schools of thought believe the week, particularly the television-viewing week, begins with Monday. As a young girl, I was introduced to this fact in a rather brutal matter. While attending some sort of children’s program at my local public library, Mrs. Cunningham, the then children’s librarian, led us in some sort of song regarding teddy bears and their daily habits that we were to recite with her. When all the children began the chant with Monday, I said Sunday. Mrs. Cunningham corrected me, telling me to say Monday, but I told her no, the week begins with Sunday. She said sometimes people just start with Monday, particularly in regards to teddy bears. I was devastated, and therefore now I insist on starting my weekly run down with Sunday.

Anyway, Sunday.
There is really nothing on the network side that interests me about Sunday nights. I am staunchly anti Desperate Housewives, and I have seen Brothers & Sisters, which ABC has bestowed the beloved former Grey’s Anatomy time slot on, and it blows. Therefore, I believe I will be a casual Family Guy Viewer at 9 PM EST on Fox, and leave myself open for when HBO sends some new Sunday night goodies our way (particularly more Sopranos and Big Love come spring).

Monday
8 PM ABC- Wife Swap. I’m a sucker for reality guilty pleasures, and this is one of my favorites. Check out the season premiere featuring a family that embraces all things pirate.
9 PM NBC- Heroes. I’ve seen the pilot and it is…not bad. This will easily fill your desire for network fantasy if Lost is too ‘out there’ for you. (Polar bears on a tropical island? I will believe it when I see snakes on a plane). While the first plot line is a little melodramatic, I see this show gaining some good footing once all the heroes become aware and accepting of their powers. Plus, cut me off a piece of Milo Ventimiglia!

10 PM NBC- Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. The first episodes of Studio 60 is very industry heavy in lingo and plot content, but the show runners have learned their lesson, and this should turn into a great display of chemistry between Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford. My one complaint is I LOVED Jud Hirsch in the pilot and am bummed that this is a cameo that doesn’t look to be a recurring one.

Tuesday
8 PM Fox- House. Oh. My. God. Cannot wait for this Tuesday.
DVRing 8 PM CW- Gilmore Girls. I am nervous to see what this season will bring since brilliant show runner and creator Amy Sherman Paladino (and husband Dan) have called it quits on Gilmore. I am hoping that the show has gained enough of a voice by now that the crackerjack writing team can give us one more season for Rory to dump Logan and for Laurelai to marry Luke!
10 PM CBS- Smith. Unfortunately, all I can say for this pilot is that it wasn’t horrible. It has peaked my curiosity enough to watch this band of criminals, especially because it seems to succeed where earlier this year, NBC’s Heist failed. Also, Ray Liotta is a fine actor and human being. Actually, I know nothing about him as a person.
DON’T WATCH 9:30 PM ABC- Help Me Help You. Ted Danson is no stranger to television, successful television at that. Neither is Jane Kaczmarek. But this comedy shot on film about a group therapist that needs help on his own brings the concept cliché to new cliché levels. What a waste of an above average cast.

Wednesday
8 PM NBC- 30 Rock. Sentimental value and Tina Fey allegiance will make me a regular viewer. This was by far the most promising half hour comedy of the new season, with some laugh out loud moments in the pilot. I just hope they don’t cut poor Rachel Dratch out completely before they're through…
DON’T WATCH 9 PM ABC- Lost. No matter what Alanna tells you, just don’t do it!

Thursday
8 PM ABC- Ugly Betty. This hour-long comedy is not for thinkers. Also, watching the pilot tied up enough loose ends to make you feel like you were watching a movie. Also, watching the pilot made you feel like you were watching The Devil Wears Prada. But it was cute. I will probably channel surf between this and My Name is Earl on NBC for the first half…but switch to
8:30 PM NBC- The Office. This show deserved its Emmy. Even if my heart still remains with Ricky Gervais, this is the best comedy on network television.

Friday
DON’T WATCH 9 PM ABC- Men in Trees. Anne Heche looked like she was WASTING AWAY in the pilot, which is enough for me to boycott. This show follows Heche as a down and out motivational speaker making a fresh start in Alaska, living in a town populated mostly by men. It’s hard to buy any show that gets a Friday night time slot, even though CBS’ Ghost Whisperer is a modest returning success after premiering on this night, but its especially hard to invest in this predictable show that feels more like a Nora Ephron piece gone wrong.

Saturday
Wow, look at this crap. I guess I’d better learn to like college football. However, keep your eyes open for the return of…
8 PM NBC- Dateline. Particularly Dateline predators. Nothing brings more satisfaction in life than watching a shoeless, toothless Floridian with the screen name “HardForBritney69” convince a Dateline correspondent that is visiting a little girl who is home alone to fix her roller skates.

Keep in mind that this schedule doesn’t mean I won’t be watching, oh I don’t know, everything else ever. But if quality is your middle name like it is mine (and by quality I mean Kathryn) check these shows out. Wow, I just felt like one of those three kids reviewing a book on an episode of Reading Rainbow.