Quick blupdate

Just a few thoughts on TV I've watched recently...

The MTV Movie Awards: Why was this so awkward? Robert Pattinson requiring a note to remind him to thank the cast and crew of Twilight? Kiefer Sutherland fake-crying for like thirty minutes? Bruno teabagging Eminem? OK, that last one was great. But otherwise, everyone seemed vaguely uncomfortable and/or high and Andy Samberg was wasted--WASTED I TELL YOU--as host. The show also made me wonder when exactly MTV switched their target demographic. When I was a kid, and too young to be watching MTV but watching it nevertheless (thanks Mom and Dad!) the programming was skewed more toward twenty- and thirty-somethings. Today, it's tween paradise. That's the only explanation for the fact that Zac Efron and Robert "surprisingly zero charisma" Pattinson won EVERYTHING.

The House finale: Obvs I'm way late to this, but I'd love to hear theories about what's up in the good doctor's brain. I doubt he's actually suffering from something schizo-related--how could the show continue with a legitimately crazy House? Maybe the format will switch to House puttering around a padded cell doing differential diagnoses of imaginary patients with like, a muppet, the ghost of Kumar, and a talking banana. Which actually sounds amazing.

No, but it's got to be either the aftermath of his head injury from the previous season--which also hardly works because symptoms should have manifested earlier--or just way too much Vicodin, which is kind of banal but the only realistic solution.

Also, why did the psychiatric facility he ended up at look like a Victorian asylum?? Is his roommate the Marquis de Sade? I mean seriously--are there really any facilities left in the country with like, fucking ivy-covered brick and ominous signage? Aren't they all just sanitized hospital wards? Is House going to face off against Nurse Ratched?

Grandma! That was NOT NICE of you to try and assassinate Ford!

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New Shows for 09

Blah blah blah upfronts blah blah blah. Look here for a sneak preview of all new shows. What do you think?!?!

Jon and Kate Plus Alimony

Alanna and I have written the following letter to Jon and Kate in light of their recent marital troubles and the allegations thrown their way by America's favorite bitchster in law, Aunt Jodi! You should comment in order to informally sign our petition so that we get the cutest of the Gosselins for our very own.

Dear Jon and Kate,

Below please find the main reasons you should give custody of Aadan and Hannah to Alanna and Jeanette while you both work your bizarre marital difficulties out.

1) Aaden is clearly a burgeoning intellectual, and we think he'd feel more at home in Alanna's apartment, where she and her boyfriend are atheist teachers with graduate degrees who will encourage him to pursue his cerebral leanings much better than two cuckolded Christians living in rural Pennsylvania for whom eating kimchi is an exotic experience.

2) Hannah, although young, has already taken on the characteristics of a nurturing, maternal caregiver. Adorable, we're sure it's really convenient for you that she is there to kiss Joel's booboos while you're off schtooping the Silver Fox security guard, but girl needs some sense knocked into her before she ends up barefoot and pregnant with penttuplets at sixteen. So clearly, she should live with Jeanette.

3) We won't give them evil things like gum and M and Ms. We're no Aunt Jodi. (Note: this is a lie. M and Ms are a crucial part of childhood.)

4) They won't be filmed 24/7, thus giving them a better shot at not ending up having their privates photographed as they climb out of a limo to go snort coke off Jaden Federline's belly at Bungalow 8.

5) We have a weird obsession with qaud and octa ethnicitied children. Having quadrasian babies leads to the inevitable octrasian grandkids. You do not deserve this awesome privilege.

In conclusion, with only 6 children remaining, you will no longer need to buy HALF A FRIGGIN' ORGANIC COW to feed your family. Good God.

Love,
Alanna and Jeanette

Fightin' Irish

Have you guys caught Obama's speech at the Notre Dame commencement from this weekend? After making some vague comments inviting pro-lifer's to give their stance some consideration, Obama was heckled by some in-audience protestors.

Here's why this is hilarious. With this new administration, we TOTALLY have to have, like, a gestalt switch, when it comes to our mental image of protestors. Throughout the Bush administration, it's been your typical neo hippy looking liberal.

But THESE guys that yell out at Obama totally look like, well, my dad. Or, in other words, a Kennedy before he goes to the fat/detox camp they all hit up before a bout on the campaign trail. Or a Kennedy that is enough of an incumbent that he is able to let himself go again.

Watch the speech below to see what I mean. Sorry for it being Fox news, but, you know, they seem to be the ones paying this the most attention. Check out the guys around 2:46 and 4:47. The second one is practically waving his shalaly in anger. HA.

What Alex Trebek Would Call A True Potpourri

1. So I am WAY behind on my HOUSE viewing. Either I have been really busy for the past few months or just slipping into comas for long periods of time and not realizing it. If its the latter, I hope that we can make a HOUSE episode about it where it turns out the only cure for me is having sex with House...and his cane. Wait, what? Anyway, just the other night I watched the episode from 3/30/09 in which Mos Def plays the victim of trapped in syndrome and we see House and his team from a Mos Def's ailing POV. I have subsequently dubbed this episode THE DIVING HOUSE AND THE VICODIN FLY. I think when I get to the episode where Kutner kills himself, I will blog it as if I watched it in a completely timely fashion.

2. Reason 1,435 I have no soul. This kid--not even remotely adorable to me. Back me up, he's kind of an asshole, no?

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3. My two worlds of fandom are colliding, as Neil Patrick Harris is set to host the Tony's on June 7th. I should liveblog it and show you how dorky I can be. We certainly would not have the same obstacle we had last time we tried to live blog (that being an overhwelming hetero male presence).

Lost Finale Tonight!

I am pleased to announce that Lost showrunners Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof talk exactly like Jeanette and I, if this excerpt from a Washington Post interview with them is any indication:

You're going to love these true-false questions [about tonight's finale]. The first question --

Carlton: Wait, wait. Before you ask them, there's true and false and then "what's the correct evasive response."

The correct evasive response is "We decline to comment."

Damon: Or, I'd like to invent "fru."

Will we know who Jacob is before this season's finale is over?

Damon: That depends what you mean by "is."

Carlton: You'll have more information, definitely.

Damon: Let's say you'll finally be able to put up a picture of Jacob in your locker.

Will we know whether the characters on the show can change their fates, and therefore their futures, before the finale is over?

Damon: That's not even a true-or-false question.

Carlton: Basically, that's a fru.

A major character will die in the finale: true or false?

Damon and Carlton: Fru.

This is going nowhere.

Here at the Boob Tubers, we LOVE making up fake compound words and phrases. For instance, Jeanette and I often attend "double freetures"--that is, we go to Union Square and pay for one movie and then sneak into another immediately afterward. This makes for an especially good day if both films are "talkers," by which we mean entertaining crap we can mock aloud for two hours.

So I'm thrilled that two other complete dorks who think their made-up words are hilarious, to the point of repeating them over and over to no one else's amusement, are doing so well. This gives me hope that Jeanette and I will soon have a breakthrough with our own magnum opus, the eminent play This Show Bites.

This blog has nothing to do with Sawyer but I'll put a photo of him here anyway in honor of the dream I had last night in which I was rehearsing a sex scene with him. Miles watched.

So in the dream I was pretty much Kate here.

Lostie in Trouble

Henry Ian Cusick, who plays Desmond on Lost, is being sued by a former ABC employee for sexual harassment.

According to the employee, Cusick "allegedly squeezed and placed his face on the plaintiff's breasts, kissed her on the mouth, and caressed the back of her body while making moaning sounds."

Lovely! I assume he gave a muffled shout from betwixt the victim's decolletage that "I'M DOING IT FOR MY HONOR, PENNAY!"

But seriously folks, it's well-known that Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros were both booted from the show some seasons ago because they were arrested for drunk driving. If Lost has such a stringent zero-tolerance policy, I hope they apply it to Cusick as well. I admit this is mostly because I find his character extremely irritating and unnecessary, not because I have a soul.

In fact, just to illustrate how awful I am, here's a GChat I had with Jeanette about this:

me: is it wrong that i find the description of the harassment kind of hilarious
Jeanette: ummm anyone who does anything like that without anything that can be construed as consent
is the man
me: hahahah seriously
like just shoving his face in her boobs
hilar
Jeanette: boobs are so great, I get it
me: i think so too
ive had the urge many times to burrow into yours without your consent
wait what
Jeanette: DO IT
me: NEXT TIME I SEE YOU
ITS BOOB SCUBA

What You're Doing Tonight at Midnight

Or at least what your DVR is doing.

Friend of The Boob Tubers Kara Klenk is making her cable television debut in the Spike TV series MoCap, LLC. Kudos to the gang for making the transition from webseries to real TV. What that means is now maybe their grandparents will actually understand how to watch them. If you've also ever wanted to see Kara and the rest of the hilarious cast as cartoons, go here. check out a preview below, then check out the show. Word.



My, our little Kara has come a long way since the days of the Streetwalkers, eh...?

I am gay for The Wire

So, obvs I'm way behind on this, but I've been watching The Wire, and it really is pee-your-pants good. I'm so absorbed in the show that last night I had this weird meta-dream in which I was telling Jimmy McNulty that he should really start watching The Wire. Hokay!

I realize that drooling in this way just makes me even more of a bourgeois whitey cliche than ever, but SO BE IT.

To that end, I'm recommending that admirers of charismatic gay thugs AND those who have no idea what I'm talking about all watch Bill Moyers' interview with showrunner David Simon for a healthy dose of satisfyingly blunt social criticism and unchecked earnestness. And also, please keep in mind that it's all in the game.

Hey, this looks fun! Come to this party! A good time + networking/job opportunities in entertainment + a good cause = BE THERE

CE OH NO!

I feel like I haven't watched television in EIGHT YEARS. What's wrong with me?

In this economy (TM)*, perhaps no public figure has been more ubiquitous than the now equally dreaded/pitied CEO. Ed Liddy gives out tax payer, bailout money as bonuses to AIG big wigs. For Shame. Obama asks Rick Wagoner to step down as chairman and CEO of General Motors. For double shame!

Enough finger wagging at Ed and Rick, though. I'm calling out someone else who has put himself in the public eye: Domino's CEO David Brandon. If you've ever been in the position of wanting to order a pizza in my presence any time past midnight in a city that is not New York, you've heard it before: every slice saves a fetus. While Domino's never went on the record with this slogan, it was the truth at least for as long as founder and CEO Tom Monaghan was in charge. Monaghan's blatant ties to the Catholic Church and his subsequent biases were a disturbing part of his business model post his late eighties "religious awakening," and jaw dropping amounts of Domino's profits were donated to pro-life causes. For the best account I have ever seen as to how creepy this shiznit really is, check out this New Yorker article from two years ago. HE BUILT A SEGREGATED CATHOLIC TOWN for Christ's sake--little to no pun intended.

While David Brandon may be in charge now, this choice in successor has done little to change the company's politics; the red phone with the direct line to the Vatican may not be in the CEO office anymore, but the Republican party ties certainly are. Which is why it's kind of gross to see this, what I am assuming is merely an abused platform for Brandon's expected 2010 gubernatorial run:


So as to not be a total downer, I will balance this criticism with a president/CEO who was adorably capable of speaking for his company. Jim Perdue, of Perdue Chicken, has that Benjamin Button charm to him, and also is the spitting image of Shermie, the imaginary friend I had for the first three years of my life. What a rapscallion!




*Seriously, someone must have gotten the rights to this phrase by now. It is UNAVOIDABLE.

House 5x20: "Simple Explanation"

Don't read any further if you didn't watch yet and don't want to be spoiled. I say this as though there are tons of people reading this blog, ha!

The previews had me thinking that last night's House was going to be a Very Special Episode™, so I was only half paying attention during the first several minutes, which made Foreman and 13's discovery all the more abrupt and unsettling.

I certainly didn't expect Kutner to die, and upon learning he had, I certainly didn't expect it to be from a suicide. I think the most deft and sort of meta aspect of this episode was that viewers' reactions mirrored the characters': utter confusion and denial.

From reading some message boards at Television Without Pity, I found that many viewers were extremely angry and disgusted with the way Kutner's death was handled. There were many pronouncements of "Fuck you, show" and "I'm not watching anymore," which, that level of vitriol directed at a television show when there are all sorts of outrageous things happening out here in real life--kind of absurd. But others made the critique that Kutner's suicide was a contrived way to pull the heartstrings and make an Emmy bid.

I'm sure the spectre of a possible Emmy win is always looming over showrunners, but I disagree that this was a contrivance. This was possibly the biggest infusion of reality that an often bordering-on-sci-fi show has ever had, which is perhaps what made it so jarring: it's not just realistic, it is real. Can we ever really understand why someone has made a decision to end his or her life? Sometimes there are what we think of as "signs," sometimes there aren't, but it's always incomprehensible to those left behind.

13 mentioned that with 25% of suicides, there are no outward signs. House disagreed: for 25%, their so-called friends and loved ones were simply too self-absorbed to notice what was going on. House, of course, would say this: his reliance on rationality and logic has a near-religious intensity. The show has emphasized, over and over, that pretty much the one thing keeping House from succumbing to his own misery is his passion--and singular talent--for solving puzzles. Perhaps the saddest aspect of the episode for me was House's insistence that Kutner had been murdered, since there was no explanation for why he'd kill himself; this was a childlike denial of not only Kutner's tragic death, but the truth that we are all essentially mysteries to each other. Human beings ultimately can't be puzzled out. It will be interesting to see how this realization resonates for House throughout the rest of the season.

And if you're interested, check out this interview with actor Kal Penn: apparently his reason for leaving the show is that he's going to work for Obama! Kudos to him for leaving an extremely profitable job to dedicate himself to public service--seems like quite an unusual decision.

Guest Blog: Jonathan on The Bad Girls Club

Please give a warm welcome to Jonathan, my partner in aspiring writerdom (and in bed). -Alanna

Watching the Oxygen Network’s “Bad Girls Club” the other night I had a minor epiphany.

All season I’ve found myself wondering what Tiffany is doing in the house with the other girls––each of the rest of whom regularly (glibly, defiantly –– it would almost seem proudly) seizes upon pretty much every opportunity to manifest her own variety of Bad—while Tiffany comes across as sort of decent.

Granted, as advertised (and emphasized excessively in promotional spots), she does have a bit of a temper, and evinces a general disinclination to suffer fools gladly or otherwise. But the critical distinction seems to be that, unlike her housemates, when Tiffany gets angry it’s not simply because she isn’t getting what she momentarily happens to want. She doesn’t seem to be governed exclusively by her passions.

Or maybe what I mean to say—since I doubt she has any sort of superhuman control over the source of her emotions—is that her behaviors don’t fluctuate straightforwardly with her moods; her actions aren’t stark translations of whatever she happens to be feeling. She thinks before she acts.

And maybe even this rational component to her behavior isn’t what I’m really interested in (after all, most of the other girls use their solo interviews to develop strident rational justifications for the parts they’ve played in a given episode’s mayhem) so much as the way she appears to think things through—the ideological or moral framework within which she seems consistently willing to assess her own position.

Not only is Tiffany the sole resident of the Bad Girl house apparently able to conceive of herself as a single moving part in a whole interpersonal network of variously competing passions and wants (rather than as the imperial nexus at its center), but she’s one of very few people I can think of off the top of my head who seem to give a genuine shit about anyone other than themselves.

Tiffany has a capacity—or maybe it’s an ingrained mechanism she can’t escape; in practice, though, does this really make a difference?—for genuine other-orientedness. She’s somehow able to resist the ubiquitous initial impulse in the face of a thwarted desire to find somebody to blame, to convert the tension that will inevitably arise between people who happen to want different things into a melodramatic saga of Good vs. Evil, with the latter category stretching to encompass anyone who fails to see things precisely my way, or, worse, stands between me and whatever it is I happen to want.

I.e. she’s apparently the only Bad Girl willing to step outside of a moral framework that essentially amounts to “Fuck them other bitches”—even when it means taking honest stock of her own behaviors. Time and again I’ve watched Tiffany withdraw from a heated (typically profanity-laden and variously-shatter-prone-Household-article-flying) Bad Girl interchange to attempt a disinterested assessment of the internal forces that might be motivating her initial response. And if she doesn’t like what she sees, she attempts to change the way she’s behaving—sometimes going so far as to apologize for an action she’s come to regret.

Is this just manipulative editing intended to add an intriguingly incongruous ethical layer to an otherwise unrelenting parade of vapidity? Could be. And of course I’m aware that the moral feature I’ve kind of laboriously pointed out here is the sort of vintage Do-unto-others-as-you-would-&c. stuff of Sunday School sessions that everyone has had hammered repeatedly (albeit ineffectually) into him/her at some point, sure.

But how often do you see people genuinely trying to think about what someone else might be thinking/feeling/wishing/wanting/&c.—particularly if this honest accounting might lead to wounded pride or inconvenience or real discomfort or some other form of unpleasantness for them?

Probably my biggest problem as an aspiring human, or at least the one I’m thinking of as I write this, is that I’ve never really outgrown a childish yearning for a moral cosmos that’s pretty much directly antithetical to the way humans actually behave. I like to imagine a world in which at the very least a few scattered heroes can act in Atticus Finchian accordance with principles that reach farther than the borders of their immediate self-interest. And if I’m able to catch even a glimpse of such a world in the Grand Guignol of Post-Millennial American Reality TV, then, well, I don’t know:
maybe there’s cause for a little hope.

Vampire High!

Apparently it was necessary for officials at the Latin School in Boston to come forward and explain the fancy-pants school is not, in fact, experiencing a vampire infestation. As a Gawker commenter wisely observed, this is what happens when teenagers get their hands on all seven seasons of Buffy.

Next thing you know, students will be reporting classmates becoming invisible, devil dogs invading prom, and their graduation speaker turning into a giant snake. I can't wait to see the naysaying press release for each of those. The explanation will probably entail gangs on PCP.

Obama's Predix

I am rather tickled that Obama took the time to complete his own bracket for the NCAA tournament. Hey President Hope, how the whole economy thing going?

Lost 5x8: "LaFleur"

I found last night's episode of Lost particularly delicious because it was heavy on the Sawyer. But it was also an interesting experiment in several ways: a deviation from the show's recently action-y, time travel-y, format in which everyone is completely miserable and suffers from intermittent nose bleeds.

Brief recap: The episode begins with Locke disappearing into the well. There's a flash and a glimpse of a huge statue that some viewers think closely resembles Horus. That, coupled with the hieroglypics that would pop up back in the old button-pushing days, and Richard's apparent agelessness, makes me wonder if there's some kind of Egyptian mythology at work here.

There's one final flash, and our intrepid time travellers realize that that was the last one: Locke has succeeded. And where did the flash take them to? Why, the time of delightful muttonchop sideburns, giant collars, and groovy records: the 70s!

With Jack and Locke gone, Sawyer can finally run shit. He ably insinuates his crew in with the Dharma Initiative and even negotiates a difficult truce-breaking situation with Other Leader Richard, AKA Guyliner, AKA possibly the Egyptian god Ra. (My dumb theory.) Three years go by, in which Sawyer becomes Jim LaFleur, head of Dharma Security, all-around nice guy, and extremely schmoopy for Juliet, with whom he now lives. They seem like a really functional, happy couple, which means that as soon as they're reunited with the Oceanic 6 (which begins to happen at the episode's very end) Kate "Life Ruiner" Austen will promptly ruin their lives.

What intrigued me most about this episode was what it reveals about a philosophy that seems highlighted often on Lost: the power that comes with the possession of information; namely, the possession of MORE information than the other guy. Having hopped, skipped, and jumped through time, Sawyer & Co. have been privy to myriad aspects of the island's history that, to the folks comfortably settled in a linear time frame, they couldn't POSSIBLY know without some kind of amazing god-like abilities. Sawyer blows Richard's mind when he mentions the bomb they buried and Locke's appearance 20 years before, and by doing so diverts the Others and the Dharma Initiative from an all-out battle. It was a neat role reversal to see the Losties fucking with the Others' heads, instead of vice versa. And it also brings up interesting questions about where the Others got all their information that they used to torment the Losties with frequently throughout seasons 1-3.

Another nice touch: Sawyer names himself LaFleur, and the flower he gives Juliet after she successfully delivers a Dharma woman's baby seems emblematic of key personality changes: would he ever think to demonstrate respect and congratulations for something Kate did? No, they would just gripe at each other and be in a stupid love triangle with Jack. I don't think I will enjoy her return.

Oops, Racism! / T.I.

Happy President's Day! In honor of the holiday, I'm going to deviate briefly from the topic of television. (Really, more like, in honor of the hilarious racism I just noticed while reading the Times this morning.)

So, this article by Jonathan "Stereotypey" Miles is about a speakeasy-style bar that just opened in Harlem. The tiredness of speakeasy-style bars aside, Mr. Jones commits what I consider a major gaffe when he explains the type of cocktails made by the general manager, Kali Irwin:

In a neighborhood more inclined toward Hypnotiq and Hennessy drinks, Ms. Irwin has laid down a classical gauntlet: old-fashioneds, a Pisco Sour, a Sazerac and puckish riffs on other pre-Prohibition cocktails.

Phew! Thank God that this wondrous little bar, despite its awful location, has managed to resist the urge of hip hop culture in its drink concoctions!

Oy. I mean, really Miles: are we to believe you've even ventured inside most Harlem bars?

And while we're on the subject of hip hop culture, I just want to mention my complex feelings toward MTV's show T.I.'s Road to Redemption. How absurd that we're supposed to believe T.I. is truly seeking redemption for his purchase of illegal machine guns through filmed hours of community service. As though he's not like, "Hey, maybe I can avoid jail AND be on TV! Win-win!" No, he probably doesn't talk like that.

Anyway, the complexity comes in for me because I also find T.I. completely adorable:


WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA? T.I., do community service for me! Like, I'm sure if you volunteer to be my personal trainer at the gym or whatever, it totally counts.

What Could Have Been

I have known for some time now that, other than Paul, the best man for me would be my high school English teacher. He made no effort to hide his favoritism for me throughout senior year, and now that my opportunity to take advantage has come and gone, I sit here reading what he wrote in my yearbook. To me, it pretty much reads jump my bones. What do you think? Humor me.

Dear Satan Cake,

I enjoyed having you in class and reading better than any student. Some of them grew tired of your voice but what can I say about dopes. You are a wonderful person--intelligent, funny and talented. Hope you enjoy [insert name of college attended] and please return to the pit to visit me next year so we can make fun of your college professors.

Take care,
[insert name of most awesome man alive]

P.S. I'm also glad that you have strong ideas and you are not reluctant to slam people with them.

See?! Calls me a pet name (based on the fact that I read Milton's PARADISE LOST out loud to the class, at his request). And look at that P.S. He LOVES that I am a huge bitch.

I half want to post his name. I'm sure he googles himself, and I'm doubly sure that once he knows I LURVE him he will call. Or comment.

To keep things on topic, enjoy this hilarious parody of the NY Times weekender commercials, which he would love, brought to you by the genius minds of Stella:

Lack of Discipline Tubers

Well, ya got us, liveblogging. It was hard to keep up with background noise and masculine pheromones being emitted. We stopped once we saw that we were writing about things that had NOTHING to do with football or commercials. So what'd you miss? Someone actually used the word alacrity in football commentary, I ordered the Roethlis Burger at least once every twenty minutes, and one of those teams won.

In summation, this commercial was good:


This commercial was offensive:


And this commercial features character actor and buddy of mine, Joe Narciso, so let's give him the obvious career boost that exposing him to our readers will grant: