Monday, February 16, 2009

Oops, Racism! / T.I.

Happy President's Day! In honor of the holiday, I'm going to deviate briefly from the topic of television. (Really, more like, in honor of the hilarious racism I just noticed while reading the Times this morning.)

So, this article by Jonathan "Stereotypey" Miles is about a speakeasy-style bar that just opened in Harlem. The tiredness of speakeasy-style bars aside, Mr. Jones commits what I consider a major gaffe when he explains the type of cocktails made by the general manager, Kali Irwin:

In a neighborhood more inclined toward Hypnotiq and Hennessy drinks, Ms. Irwin has laid down a classical gauntlet: old-fashioneds, a Pisco Sour, a Sazerac and puckish riffs on other pre-Prohibition cocktails.

Phew! Thank God that this wondrous little bar, despite its awful location, has managed to resist the urge of hip hop culture in its drink concoctions!

Oy. I mean, really Miles: are we to believe you've even ventured inside most Harlem bars?

And while we're on the subject of hip hop culture, I just want to mention my complex feelings toward MTV's show T.I.'s Road to Redemption. How absurd that we're supposed to believe T.I. is truly seeking redemption for his purchase of illegal machine guns through filmed hours of community service. As though he's not like, "Hey, maybe I can avoid jail AND be on TV! Win-win!" No, he probably doesn't talk like that.

Anyway, the complexity comes in for me because I also find T.I. completely adorable:

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA? T.I., do community service for me! Like, I'm sure if you volunteer to be my personal trainer at the gym or whatever, it totally counts.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

What Could Have Been

I have known for some time now that, other than Paul, the best man for me would be my high school English teacher. He made no effort to hide his favoritism for me throughout senior year, and now that my opportunity to take advantage has come and gone, I sit here reading what he wrote in my yearbook. To me, it pretty much reads jump my bones. What do you think? Humor me.

Dear Satan Cake,

I enjoyed having you in class and reading better than any student. Some of them grew tired of your voice but what can I say about dopes. You are a wonderful person--intelligent, funny and talented. Hope you enjoy [insert name of college attended] and please return to the pit to visit me next year so we can make fun of your college professors.

Take care,
[insert name of most awesome man alive]

P.S. I'm also glad that you have strong ideas and you are not reluctant to slam people with them.

See?! Calls me a pet name (based on the fact that I read Milton's PARADISE LOST out loud to the class, at his request). And look at that P.S. He LOVES that I am a huge bitch.

I half want to post his name. I'm sure he googles himself, and I'm doubly sure that once he knows I LURVE him he will call. Or comment.

To keep things on topic, enjoy this hilarious parody of the NY Times weekender commercials, which he would love, brought to you by the genius minds of Stella:

Monday, February 02, 2009

Lack of Discipline Tubers

Well, ya got us, liveblogging. It was hard to keep up with background noise and masculine pheromones being emitted. We stopped once we saw that we were writing about things that had NOTHING to do with football or commercials. So what'd you miss? Someone actually used the word alacrity in football commentary, I ordered the Roethlis Burger at least once every twenty minutes, and one of those teams won.

In summation, this commercial was good:

This commercial was offensive:

And this commercial features character actor and buddy of mine, Joe Narciso, so let's give him the obvious career boost that exposing him to our readers will grant:

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Super Bowl Liveblogging

6:45 PM: Soooo I guess liveblogging is going to be difficult because there are dudes who actually care about sports here who are blocking the television right now. Also. please attribute the delay to our cooking of buffalo wings to feed said men. Yay feminism!!!

6:46 PM: (Jeanette) Whenever I see defensive football players with long hair or dreds running down the field, I think they look like orcs from Lord of the Rings. I hope that doesn't make me racists. since most of these guys are black.

6:51 PM: Wow this Conan Bud Light commercial looks really funny, but all we got out of it was what we could see, which is to drink responsibly. We can't hear ANYTHING!

6:53 PM: Maybe we would hear the commercials if the guys were not talking about how it is every girl's fantasy to be raped. Apparently it was in the NY Times magazine next week.

6:56 PM: I guess you don't need to be able to hear what's going on to wager on whether or not John Madden is going to have a coronary throughout the course of this game.

6:57 PM: Apparently when given the choice, one should use an Atlantic Monthly to roll a joint over Harper"s.

6:59: (Jeanette) Earlier, Josh posed the question of how many restaurants in the Pittsburgh area did we think would be offering Rothels Burgers on their menus. At least once every twenty minutes since, I have said, "I'll have the Rothels Burger, please."

7:01: (Alanna) I just asked Jeanette what Rothels is, so clearly I am vastly unqualified to write about football. I can vaguely hear commercials in the background, but mostly I am concerned with what's being rolled over the Atlantic Monthly.

7:02: Apparently it was a car commercial because now the guys are talking about how women can't drive. I DON'T LIKE BEING OUTNUMBERED BY PENISES. More vagina, less penis.

7:03: What would happened if we put the Puppy Bowl on RIGHT NOW?!

7:10 PM: Why horses for Budweiser commercials? According to Josh, horses like shitty beer.

7:12 PM: Damn, that unruly bearded Cardinals player looks like an animal. Again, according to Josh, this is product placement from Geico, where they are getting players that look like cavemen. Maybe Josh should be doing this blog.

7:19: NO ONE IS WATCHING FOOTBALL. Everyone is waiting to see if Catticus is going to eat her visitor, Tami and Marisa's 13 year old cat. THIS IS THE REAL COMPETITION.

7:23: Due to the fact that no one cares anyway and that it's too loud to hear anything, how about we just post commercials tomorrow. We'll be back for the kitten half time show. Maybe.