Oops, Racism! / T.I.

Happy President's Day! In honor of the holiday, I'm going to deviate briefly from the topic of television. (Really, more like, in honor of the hilarious racism I just noticed while reading the Times this morning.)

So, this article by Jonathan "Stereotypey" Miles is about a speakeasy-style bar that just opened in Harlem. The tiredness of speakeasy-style bars aside, Mr. Jones commits what I consider a major gaffe when he explains the type of cocktails made by the general manager, Kali Irwin:

In a neighborhood more inclined toward Hypnotiq and Hennessy drinks, Ms. Irwin has laid down a classical gauntlet: old-fashioneds, a Pisco Sour, a Sazerac and puckish riffs on other pre-Prohibition cocktails.

Phew! Thank God that this wondrous little bar, despite its awful location, has managed to resist the urge of hip hop culture in its drink concoctions!

Oy. I mean, really Miles: are we to believe you've even ventured inside most Harlem bars?

And while we're on the subject of hip hop culture, I just want to mention my complex feelings toward MTV's show T.I.'s Road to Redemption. How absurd that we're supposed to believe T.I. is truly seeking redemption for his purchase of illegal machine guns through filmed hours of community service. As though he's not like, "Hey, maybe I can avoid jail AND be on TV! Win-win!" No, he probably doesn't talk like that.

Anyway, the complexity comes in for me because I also find T.I. completely adorable:


WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA? T.I., do community service for me! Like, I'm sure if you volunteer to be my personal trainer at the gym or whatever, it totally counts.

What Could Have Been

I have known for some time now that, other than Paul, the best man for me would be my high school English teacher. He made no effort to hide his favoritism for me throughout senior year, and now that my opportunity to take advantage has come and gone, I sit here reading what he wrote in my yearbook. To me, it pretty much reads jump my bones. What do you think? Humor me.

Dear Satan Cake,

I enjoyed having you in class and reading better than any student. Some of them grew tired of your voice but what can I say about dopes. You are a wonderful person--intelligent, funny and talented. Hope you enjoy [insert name of college attended] and please return to the pit to visit me next year so we can make fun of your college professors.

Take care,
[insert name of most awesome man alive]

P.S. I'm also glad that you have strong ideas and you are not reluctant to slam people with them.

See?! Calls me a pet name (based on the fact that I read Milton's PARADISE LOST out loud to the class, at his request). And look at that P.S. He LOVES that I am a huge bitch.

I half want to post his name. I'm sure he googles himself, and I'm doubly sure that once he knows I LURVE him he will call. Or comment.

To keep things on topic, enjoy this hilarious parody of the NY Times weekender commercials, which he would love, brought to you by the genius minds of Stella:

Lack of Discipline Tubers

Well, ya got us, liveblogging. It was hard to keep up with background noise and masculine pheromones being emitted. We stopped once we saw that we were writing about things that had NOTHING to do with football or commercials. So what'd you miss? Someone actually used the word alacrity in football commentary, I ordered the Roethlis Burger at least once every twenty minutes, and one of those teams won.

In summation, this commercial was good:


This commercial was offensive:


And this commercial features character actor and buddy of mine, Joe Narciso, so let's give him the obvious career boost that exposing him to our readers will grant:

Super Bowl Liveblogging

6:45 PM: Soooo I guess liveblogging is going to be difficult because there are dudes who actually care about sports here who are blocking the television right now. Also. please attribute the delay to our cooking of buffalo wings to feed said men. Yay feminism!!!

6:46 PM: (Jeanette) Whenever I see defensive football players with long hair or dreds running down the field, I think they look like orcs from Lord of the Rings. I hope that doesn't make me racists. since most of these guys are black.

6:51 PM: Wow this Conan Bud Light commercial looks really funny, but all we got out of it was what we could see, which is to drink responsibly. We can't hear ANYTHING!

6:53 PM: Maybe we would hear the commercials if the guys were not talking about how it is every girl's fantasy to be raped. Apparently it was in the NY Times magazine next week.

6:56 PM: I guess you don't need to be able to hear what's going on to wager on whether or not John Madden is going to have a coronary throughout the course of this game.

6:57 PM: Apparently when given the choice, one should use an Atlantic Monthly to roll a joint over Harper"s.

6:59: (Jeanette) Earlier, Josh posed the question of how many restaurants in the Pittsburgh area did we think would be offering Rothels Burgers on their menus. At least once every twenty minutes since, I have said, "I'll have the Rothels Burger, please."

7:01: (Alanna) I just asked Jeanette what Rothels is, so clearly I am vastly unqualified to write about football. I can vaguely hear commercials in the background, but mostly I am concerned with what's being rolled over the Atlantic Monthly.

7:02: Apparently it was a car commercial because now the guys are talking about how women can't drive. I DON'T LIKE BEING OUTNUMBERED BY PENISES. More vagina, less penis.

7:03: What would happened if we put the Puppy Bowl on RIGHT NOW?!

7:10 PM: Why horses for Budweiser commercials? According to Josh, horses like shitty beer.

7:12 PM: Damn, that unruly bearded Cardinals player looks like an animal. Again, according to Josh, this is product placement from Geico, where they are getting players that look like cavemen. Maybe Josh should be doing this blog.

7:19: NO ONE IS WATCHING FOOTBALL. Everyone is waiting to see if Catticus is going to eat her visitor, Tami and Marisa's 13 year old cat. THIS IS THE REAL COMPETITION.

7:23: Due to the fact that no one cares anyway and that it's too loud to hear anything, how about we just post commercials tomorrow. We'll be back for the kitten half time show. Maybe.

VAGINA SHAPED GOAL POSTS

That is something that would make it a more feminine super bowl. Or...

How about Alanna and me liveblogging it!

Tune in this Sunday as we bring you a play by play of every...commercial.

We'll try to incorperate some of the sporting action, too, but sorry if we don't speak penis too well. Our frustration might make the coverage morph into full time coverage of the 5th annual PUPPY BOWL! on Animal Planet, complete with kitten half time show.

This advertisement brought to you by the enforcement of gender stereotypes.

Shitznit to Watch Tonight and a Fun Fact

At 9 PM EST on ABC, some of Sesame Street's finest muppets will be visiting the cast of SCRUBS. I wonder if they will be the ones to break it to Zack that he massacres the "Show, don't tell" rule of screenwriting with everything he does. I think Oscar has it in him.



Also at 9 PM EST on TLC, the Duggars embark on season two of 17 KIDS & COUNTING. I think if you taped baby lynching and put it on the air for an hour, it would come across more ethically than this family's appreciation for women. Those poor teen girls have no choices other than staying home and taking care of the shit ton of kids that their PARENTS chose to have. And did you HEAR Jim Bob's speech to Josh on his wedding day? Basically it was like, you're going to want to bone, but you're wife is going to want to be all like blah blah blah, so if you listen to her, you'll get to bone.

Stay tuned to TLC for the premiere of TODDLERS AND TIARAS. Why do these people who are into pageants agree to be on these shows? Don't they realize that people only watch to make fun of them? I can't wait to watch tonight and see a two year old get a spray tan. HAWT.

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Also, did anyone know that Frank Langella, 2008 Academy Award nominee for best actor after portraying Richard Nixon in FROST/NIXON also portrayed SKELETOR!?!?! in the 1987 film HE MAN: MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE?! That is so hilarious to me. I am about as shocked as when I found out that SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!

The Real World Gets Quasi Real

I know I am three episodes late on talking about this of THE REAL WORLD, which took place over the summer in Brooklyn. Some thoughts...

-How lovely to see MTV not just reaching into their sack of smoking hot drunks straight out of central casting. For the first time in a long time, we have a cast of diverse and somewhat subsitive characters. That being said...

-Watching the cast members' get-to-know-you antics was a sorry, sad reminder of how old I am. I witnessed them have forced conversations about sexuality and relationship statuses within MOMENTS of knowing each other and thought about how no mature adults ever do that. FLASHING LIGHTS! Such an observation makes me one of those mature adults. For the first year ever, I AM EVEN TOO OLD TO APPLY TO BE ON THE REAL WORLD! I remember watching the very first seasons of THE REAL WORLD, where cultural references went over my head, and I wondered if I would ever be like these grown-ups one day. But now, nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower.*

-I would like to highlight cast member Ryan. I like to refer to him as Catch 22, because either liking or hating this guy makes you a douche. You want to give him props. He was in the military and served in Iraq and is also a fairly talented musician. AWESOME. But then he does things like go on a gay witch hunt, trying to out all of his housemates as possible. I think he even implied the hot tub might be gay. NOT AWESOME. In the end I will like him for his hilarious pranks and faces, and criticize him for bringing along untalented friends who suggest that he play songs about tampons in what could be otherwise legitimate business meetings.

-I was pumped to see what bars would be lucky enough to land the sweet deal of being the housemates' local haunts. So far, they seem to have made return trips to Pete Wentz's east village douch factory Angels and Kings. But I squealed with glee** this week when they ventured into MY neighborhood and went to Matchless.

What's your favorite season of THE REAL WORLD. Mine is Boston. Below, please find a video montage set to some rockingly appropriate late 90s music that someone made to honor the Boston castmates. I really never got the mentality of people that took fandom to the level where they would do something like this, but I guess I shouldn't complain, as it has given me something to share with you all.





*Do I get bonus points for incorperating Wordsworth into a reality television blog?
**I probably didn't squeal with glee

Lost Realizations

Having watched a solid three hours of Lost last night (the hour-long recap show, and the two-hour season premiere), I've made some discoveries about the show on a sort of meta level. Here they are, in convenient bullet list form.

• Lost is now hardcore sci-fi, but probably always was. It seems now that the show is all about time travel, but I think there were consistent, strong hints throughout the previous four seasons that this is the case. Just the fact that four entire seasons only equaled 108 days never quite sat right with a lot of fans, and I think actually pointed to the fact that time functions differently on the island than in the rest of the world. And last season's introduction of quantum physicist Daniel Faraday (Jeremy Davies, who apparently has a contract with all of Hollywood to only play neurotic eggheads, a la Jeff Goldblum) was further confirmation. In TV land, quantum physics ALWAYS means freaky supernatural hijinks, as opposed to, like, the really dry study of physical systems.
  
• There are only "A MILLION UNANSWERED QUESTIONS" if you are completely idiotic about the way that TV storytelling works. That is, when there is heavy-handed foreshadowing, or ridiculously portentous dialogue, the savvy viewer knows how to make pretty good educated guesses. Like last night, in the first hour, producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse said something along the lines of, "Sun thinks Jin is dead because she saw him on the freighter that blew up." THIS MEANS JIN IS ALIVE. It should not be an "unanswered question." Same goes for Jack asking Ben if Locke is really dead, and Ben's non-answer. LOCKE IS NOT DEAD. So scratch those off your lists, annoying fans.
• There is too much Hurley. The producers called him "the heart of the show," which I guess is what you have to say about less-attractive but intermittently-amusing characters. But I really didn't need all that time in hour two of the premiere to be spent on Hurley and his father, Cheech, bumbling around trying to figure out what to do with comatose Sayid. It's annoying and does little to further the plot, which really is what interests me now. That and Sawyer's inability to find a shirt.
  
• The time travel thing is kind of unsustainable. It was cool for the first two hours, but if the rest of the season is spent sending the islanders hopping, skipping, and jumping through time, it's going to become kind of a headache. I suspect that a lot of plot lines will start getting tied up at a much faster pace this season than in seasons past.

Anyone else out there have a Lost breakthrough?? Share. That, or talk about how Benjamin Button really isn't that amazing and why did it get infinity Oscar nominations?!?

A Top Chef/Heroes Crossover?

Tom Colicchio is a hero! According to E! Online:

While most celebs were spending the days leading to the inauguration partying around Washington, D.C., Top Chef chieftain Tom Colicchio was busy saving lives.

The reality-show judge and all-star restaurateur came to the rescue of a fellow foodie Monday night at the Art. Food. Hope benefit. The event, which featured attendees like Bob Woodward, Carl Bernstein and Rachel Maddow, was hosted by cookbook author Joan Nathan (The New American Cooking).

As originally reported on the Internet Food Association blog, Colicchio was cornered by Top Chef fans peeved by last week's elimination, when another famed chef, Alice Waters, frantically began calling for help. Nathan was choking on a piece of chicken.

And that's when Colicchio sprang into action.

He deftly performed the Heimlich maneuver, dispatching the chicken and saving Nathan.

It's so awesome to see that with all the crazy, medical technology we have today (anyone hear if Obama has done anything about stem cells yet?) that the Heimlich, which sounds like something convicted to death at Nuremberg, is still relevant. One time, a chef from the Dublin restaurant Gallagher's Boxty House saved my little sister's life with the Heimlich. We feld kind of bad since his food really sucked.

Tune in tonight to congratulate the hero and watch TOP CHEF on Bravo. Perhaps more importantly, tune in to send Carla good vibes. Ariane was kicked off last week, so apparently it's time to get rid of the nice, older ladies. Carla is the main reason I watch, ever since Vivian pointed out weeks ago that she bears a striking resemblance in appearance and demeanor to Myrtle Urkel, Steve Urkel's cousin played by the incomparable Jaleel White in Drag. See for yourself...



Hoody!

I wonder if Alanna will finish jizzing in her pants in time to give everyone a LOST recap tomorrow. My money is on red...what?

Videos. You watch them. Very Nice

HEY watch this videos.

The first is Pat and Carolyn expertly trolling the red carpet at last night's event celebrating Oxygen now airing past cycles of AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. I think Jaslene might have taken some lessons with Henry Higgins or something; she sounds less Helen Keller and more Helen...a Bonham Carter? I think I stretched too far for symmetry there...


The second is a video of mine and Vivian's cats, who are REALLY excited for the pending release of the Notorious B.I.G biopic. Especially Teagan, because she's so gangsta.

SimulCATS in Simulcast: Episode 2 from Quailhead on Vimeo.

GG Chat!

Dan of As Little As Possible and I had a GChat for the duration of the Golden Globes last night. I was really cranky because I've been sick for about a gazillion days, too sick to move or bone my boyfriend, and the crankier I am the funnier, apparently. Actually, this makes sense: think about the most depressed person you know. Aren't they kind of hilar? Like, don't you kind of hope they never start taking anti-depressants, just so they can stay bitter and snarky? So yeah. Some highlights:

me: jeremy piven, shouldn't you be in bed with your MERCURY POISONING

Danny: HAHAHA

me: he's such a fake faker

word in NYC is that he just wanted out of his play

keep saying clever stuff so i can make this my golden globes blog post

Danny: he's a loser

i will

i just talked to wilkinson on the phone last week

he's a cool guy

me: did you ask him how the scenery tasted in "in the bedroom"?


re: Anna Paquin on True Blood

me: she is so terrible on a terrible show

Danny: is she really that bad?

me: yes

like she forgot how to act

the only good thing about that show is the theme song

Danny: i heard there's nudity, though

so i want to see it

me: its seriously unbearable

and i love vampires

that's how bad it is

Danny: i heard it was good

hmm

i want to see the sex

me:yeah so true blood, every episode is like "VAMPIRES ARE A METAPHOR FOR OPPRESSED MINORITIES JUST IN CASE YOU FORGOT"

and the southern accents are so so bad

and the writing

that show is like

alan ball forgot how to write, and anna paquin forgot how to act

Danny: ouch

me: more like TRUE AMNESIA

Danny: well i won't rush it to the netflix

or TRUE--*FALSE*

me: brad pitt looks like "i... don't... understand"

he's dumb as a wallDanny: is he?

me:

so i hear

come on, can't you imagine how easily angelina manipulates him

and he's just like, earnestly, "Yeah, that sounds super fun!"

then he has seven kids

Danny: ha!

me: what terrible timing for "confessions of a shopaholic"

Danny: i know right

me: haha i'm glad

i hate movies like that

sex and the city too

Danny: i just communicated your comment to the room and people laughed

i laughed

me: CONSUUUUUUUUUUUME

WOMEN LIKE TO CONSUMMMMMME

haha yah

Danny: i just consumed the shit out of some pasta

Danny: OH MY GOD JESSICA LANGE'S FACE?

Danny: did she come straight from a housefire??

me: this guy doesn't do it for me

gerard butler

Danny: weird voice

me: although i'm always impressed by scottish accents

because they seem hard to have

Danny: yeah

and baldwin's not funny in the speech?

how can that be

boring

me: yeah boo

be funny

you're all performing seals

award = fish

balance a ball on your nose at least

Danny:

what would you do if you won an award like that?

me: probably shove the award up my butt


re: Jeanette's attraction to Paul Giamatti:

Danny: like, does she want to bone him?

is she sexually attracted to him?

me: she really is

Danny: like she imagines herself having sex with him?

me: yes

Danny: how is that

how does that come to be

me: i think there's a last minute mutation in the womb


re: Clint Eastwood watching Steven Spielberg's speech:

me: clint's like, shut this guy up. i want to get back to work.

me: he's such a machine!

Danny: clint's like, "i have pieces of guys like him in my stool"

me: hahahahahahahhaa


More Clint:

me: spike lee was complaining that flags of our fathers should have had black characters

and basically accused him of racism

Danny: ah

me: and clint's response was, "a guy like that should shut his face"

Danny: seriously???

phenom

me: yeah i know

did you see gran torino

Danny: no but i want to

me: its so great, seriously

Danny: subtitle "Get off My Lawn"

Danny: well the show really picked up at the end

me: i guessssDanny: fleh

Dream Men

30 ROCK is back tonight on its quest to become more than a critic's and smart people audience's darling. HELP IT OUT, FOLKS, AND TUNE IN!

I, for one, am thrilled to see Peter Dinklage as Liz Lemon's love interest starting on tonight's episode. I once had a dream in which Peter Dinklage was hot in pursuit of me, actually. We were in a pony-riding ring when this happened, and I nicely turned him down. I think this dream occurred sometime after his season on NIP TUCK.

In honor of my little person lover's guest starring stint on a show that churns out guest starring Emmy nominees like an Amish girl does butter, I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, television celebrities I have also had (embarrassingly) intimate dreams about.

1. Kelsey Grammar- One of my first dreams of an intimate nature, this one was very straightforward. I was on top, looked down, and thought...gross. He didn't even make me tossed salad and scrambled eggs afterwards. Har har har.

2. Jack Osbourne- I am hard pressed to count this one because in my dream, I was actually somebody else. I have heard that if you are able to dream that you're somebody else, you're clinically insane.

3. Seth Rogen- This one was also straightforward and, in my dream, happened right after a birthday party for my sister. Seth and I ALMOST had a round two in dreamland recently. We were both high school exchange students studying in Japan. We were trying to get weed together and I saw where it was going and stopped it. In reality, though, I wouldn't turn Seth down.

4. Josh Radnor- In this dream, there was no intercourse. Actually, Josh Radnor just gave me a really strong and satisfying hug as he told me he would rather sleep with Charlize Theron. I get it, Josh. I would probably have made the same choice.

I THINK MY MOM WILL LOVE READING THIS ENTRY MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE.

Summer Heights High

What's that you ask, Alanna? What did I watch over the Holidays? I WILL TELL YOU.

I give an incredibly hearty endorsement to SUMMER HEIGHTS HIGH, and encourage all with HBO on demand to watch all 8 episodes. (You can do it in one day. It's like, the same amount of time as seeing BENJAMIN BUTTON.)

I had never seen any of Chris Lilley's work before, but am now itching to see it all. Chris writes and stars in SUMMER, playing 3 characters over the course of one term in an Australian public school. There is Jamie (pronounced Jah-MAY), a privileged private school "year 11" visiting for the term, Jonah, a behaviorally challenged "year 8" and "Poly" (Polynesian), and Mr. G., the school's stereotypical drama teacher.

Chris' portrayals are absurdly humorous in appearance, as he is an average sized thirty something SEAMLESSLY pulling off a 16 year old girl and 13 year old boy in school uniforms. But once you look past the wolf in obvious sheep's clothing aspect, what makes the show equal parts hilarious and poignant is the seemingly real people casting of the teachers and students surrounding the 3 main players. They make Jonah's plights with discipline in particular borderline tear jerking come the last episode.

Australia is the new Britain when it comes to comedy exports for sure. Chris Lilley and Tim Minchin are both national treasures of epic proportions.

Lost-ticipation

Apparently I'm so excited about the imminent season 5 premiere of Lost that last night I had a dream I was watching it, but to my dismay it was devoid of Sawyer. Fortunately, according to dorkfest blog io9, he will be around, AND shirtless, for the entire 47 minute first episode.

Other than that, I watched a lot of dumb shit over the holidays, including Storm of the Century, a 1999 miniseries written by Stephen King. It's quite possibly the slowest-moving thriller in the world but I enjoyed the Kingian Manichean ethics on display toward the end. That's right, I just busted out a reference to Gnosticism in a TV blog. And in other Stephen King news, there's going to be a made-for-TV Children of the Corn remake, because... we really need that? Yes, definitely.

What did you watch over your holiday break?

Watch out, honey! There's a metaphorical severe weather pattern approaching!

Pre-holiday Miscellany

First, I'd like to point you to Three Easy Payments, in which a former classmate of mine reviews commercials. This blog features both hilarity and the correct usage of the word "interrobang."

Second, could someone tell me whether Gail Simmons has left Top Chef for good? Last we saw her, she was being ridiculous at her bridal shower (i.e. blaming the chefs for ruining her upcoming marriage with sub-par sushi rolls). She was conspicuously absent from the last episode, and previews reveal a surly bald Brit in her place. AS IF ANYONE COULD REPLACE GAIL.

I think she's so awesome that I actually permitted my boyfriend to cheat on me with her, should the opportunity ever arise. Seriously, watch reruns and see how amazing Gail's life is. She says nothing of value and appears to be there just to go NOM NOM NOM on delicious food. Every now and then she makes a half-hearted attempt at criticism but mostly just walks around out-adorabling Padma in cutely ridiculous dresses. GAIL 4 LYFE.

Joy to the Television

Happy Holidays, Tubers. Here in no particular order are some television tidbits for the holiday season.

Firstly, if you haven't already been doing so, tune into ABC Family's 25 Days of Christmas. It's a great place to catch some claymation favorites and play a rousing round of Guess Which Drugs These Stop Motion Animators from the Sixties were on. Acid for the win. Just don't watch THE POLAR EXPRESS. CGI Tom Hanks haunts my dreams, always. Especially as that creepy Santa Claus. Whoever heard of a bitchy Santa in a Christmas movie.

Secondly, I love me some Christmas, but I also can't wait for it to be over so I don't have to see any more grossly anti-feminist diamond commercials, particularly this one from Kay Jewelers.



Really? You're sorry your signing still isn't very good? Maybe before you expect someone to be so head over heals for you, you should have a fluent language in common. Or did you already learn the sign for "Where's my dinner, bitch" and "Blow me," so you think you're good? If this isn't enough to prevent you from being a Kay customer, remember, they're so cheap because they're blood diamonds.

And finally, today's New York Post featured Christmas cards sent by celebrities. Please look below for the most scrumdiddlyumptiously appropriate card, sent by Boob Tuber favorite, James Lipton.



A Deja Gout of Leftovers?! Oh, you crack me up Jimmy.

It's Gilded Globe Time

The nominees are in, and since more Americans get their television news from boobtubers than from any other source, here are some thoughts, followed by the full list of TV Nominees (my preferences for winners in bold).

For once, my lady parts are giving me a hard time as to who should win best actor in a television series, drama. Usually my loins point me in a straight path towards Hugh Laurie, but now, Jon Hamm has been thrown in the mix, and his Don Draper is as dapper as they come. I'll let me you know when me and "ladytown" have made a final decision...

Of course, you all should know by now that my mind and genitals are made up when it comes to best actor in a miniseries or movie. Giamatti '09. Strike that, Giamatti 4-EVAH!


Hmm, are there any categories that are not determined by a lust factor for me? WHY YES! Best television series drama should go to MAD MEN. I turn my back on HOUSE only because I do have to admit that the writers are still working towards finding a gratifying balance between the old and new teams. I know the writer's strike is partially to blame for the underused Chase and Cameron in particular, but things still have been a bit Clunky in House-ville. Tuesday's Christmas episode was actually fantastic, with seamless plot movement between A - D storylines, so I think we're on the right track, thanks mostly to Peter Blake, but still, I will have to be throwing my support behind MAD MEN this year, mostly because I wish I could drink profusely at work.

Best television series drama
"Dexter"
"House"
"In Treatment"
"Mad Men"
"True Blood"

Best television musical or comedy
"Californication"
"Entourage"
"The Office"
"30 Rock"
"Weeds"

Best miniseries of made-for-television movie
"Bernard and Doris"
"Cranford"
"John Adams"
"A Raisin in the Sun"
"Recount"

Best actor in a television series, drama
Gabriel Byrne, "In Treatment"
Michael C. Hall, "Dexter"
Jon Hamm, "Mad Men"
Hugh Laurie, "House"
Jonathan Rhys Meyers, "The Tudors"

Best actress in a television series, drama
Sally Field, "Brothers & Sisters"
Mariska Hargitay, "Law & Order: SVU"
January Jones, "Mad Men"
Anna Paquin, "True Blood"
Kyra Sedgwick, "The Closer"

Best actor in a miniseries or movie
Ralph Fiennes, "Bernard and Doris"
Paul Giamatti, "John Adams"
Kevin Spacey, "Recount"
Kiefer Sutherland, "24: Redemption"
Tom Wilkinson, "Recount"

Best actress in a miniseries or movie
Judi Dench, "Cranford"
Catherine Keener, "An American Crime"
Laura Linney, "John Adams"
Shirley MacLaine, "Coco Chanel"
Susan Sarandon, "Bernard and Doris"

Best actor in a television series, musical or comedy
Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock"
Steve Carell, "The Office"
Kevin Connolly, "Entourage"
David Duchovny, "Californication"
Tony Shalhoub, "Monk"

Best actress in a television series, musical or comedy
Christina Applegate, "Samantha Who?"
America Ferrera, "Ugly Betty"
Tina Fey, "30 Rock"
Debra Messing, "The Starter Wife"
Mary-Louise Parker, "Weeds"

Best supporting actor in a series, miniseries or made-for-television movie
Neil Patrick Harris, "How I Met Your Mother"
Denis Leary, "Recount"
Jeremy Piven, "Entourage"
Blair Underwood, "In Treatment"
Tom Wilkinson, "John Adams"

Best supporting actress in a series, miniseries or made-for-television movie
Eileen Atkins, "Cranford"
Laura Dern, "Recount"
Melissa George, "In Treatment"
Rachel Griffiths, "Brothers & Sisters"
Dianne Wiest, "In Treatment"

See if I am right on January 11th.

In Honor of the 76th Annual Lighting of The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree TONIGHT on NBC

This morning, Harry Connick Jr. was on the Today show (for what seems like the 18th time this month) to promote his new Christmas album as well as his appearance at tonight's tree lighting. I get overly excited when usually stoic and artificial morning TV personalities do something real or funny. Usually I can rely on Matt Lauer to show such glimmers in otherwise painful banter. Today, Harry Connick Jr. played along and did not give into the always looming fear that midwestern housewives will be insulted by obvious sarcasm. HILARIOUS!



And in celebration of that big old tree getting lit, remember these...(Watch 'em all, they get better as they go. I also understand better is a relative term, but watch anyway.)

Vivian's take on The Hills

I TRIPLE DOG DARE PROMISE that I will be back ASAP with my assessment of holiday themed programming.

Until then, please enjoy guest tuber Vivian's take on THE HILLS, the show that no regular Boob Tuber can watch without experiencing a violent physical reaction...


Might as well call it "Over The Hills"! MTV's hit reality drama appears to take its cues from another sassy foursome--Dorothy, Sophia, Blanche, and Rose of The Golden Girls! Compelling photo documentation is worth a thousand words. I am not including Audrina because she is particularly useless.

Lauren/Dorothy: Both weathered their sex scandals with dignity, grace, and rage. They are the cuckqueaned protagonists who can't laugh at themselves.



Lo/Sophia: The sneering and snarky moms of the protagonist. Such bitches.



Heidi/Blanche: These one-armed vixens share a penchant for big busts and boys boys boys!



Whitney/Rose: Notably nicer than the other gals, these mildly dumb (yet charming) blondes purvey an endless supply of funny faces.



This concludes the most intellectually-challenging analysis of The Hills published on the Internet, or any other media, to date. I promise you.

TV News Roundup

Tina Fey's husband divulges the origins of her scar to Maureen Dowd, who spends the majority of her Vanity Fair article scrutinizing that and other sundry aspects of Fey's appearance, because that's what womenfolk are good for.

Britney Spears hosted her very own infomercial last night, the saddest in the world, sadder even than the Snuggie.

The Post and I agree that Colbert's Christmas special sucked. I think he has officially jumped the shark, even though the phrase "jumped the shark" jumped the shark a while ago, and therefore this blog has now jumped the shark.

If you love Poor Man's Version of that HBO Show with the Four Narcissistic Harpies Who Probably Helped Inspire the Economy's Downfall, AKA Lipstick Jungle, buy a Nielsen meter and start watching soon OR ELSE.