7:58: Full disclosure: We love Ryan Seacrest.
7:59: Alanna, how naive of you to think that that one simple statement can properly convey the strong feelings that have overcome me in my indepth watching of a full hour of Emmy pre-show. I started out on NBC's pre show, featuring the likes of Billy Bush and Nancy O'Dell, where journalistic improv resulted in the following interview:
Nancy O'Dell: So, John Voigt, since you played the late pope, do you think he will help you out with some divine intervention?
John Voigt: Nancy, that was inappropriate for television. And I know all about what is inappropriate for television what with my propensity to air all familial grievances on the air instead of say, picking up a telephone. I LOVE YOU ANGELINA! GIVE ME SOME MONEY!
RYAN SEACREST IS GOD!
Eagerly awaiting Conan's monologue any second now...-Jeanette
8:03: Opening TV medley spoof thing. Chloe is my FAVORITE character on 24. She's the most believable computer geek.
AH YES HOUSE. It's true, Conan is probably the strangest looking man ever. He has any range of birth defects, including albinism, giantism, and Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
To Catch a Predator... brilliant. Did you see the one where they busted a rabbi? Dude was all up in the Roman Catholics' territory.
Gibson on Al-Jazeera. Right on. As my friend Josh said after his "Melibu" fiasco, "What's he gonna do next, make a movie about how the Jews killed Jesus?"
Two and a Half Men is NBC's highest rated show? More like Two and a Half pieces of shit. Mmm now I want to get back to my fries. Emmys and McDonalds: What could be more American? Back to you, Jeanette. (AS)
As Conan instructs us on how to watch the Emmys, I will give a shout out to Conan's pants, featuring a ribbon down the side a la 1970s.
Ahhh a Music Man parody of NBC's ranking...nooooo comment from Jeanette...
In conclusion, thank you Conan, for an excellent start to an unnecessarily long evening...
8:15 BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY presented by Ellen "Poor Man's Renee Zellweger" Pompeo and Patrick "Dr. McDreamy" Dempsey present the award.
Winner: Megan Mulally
Analysis: Looks like it's going to be an evening awarding the sentimental favorites that are now gone. They'd better include Arrested Development.
Alanna taking the helm...
8:18 BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMApresented by Seah Hayes and a very nicely dressed Julia Louis Dreyfus
Winner: Alan Alda (The West Wing). I think West Wing is fucking boring, but I heart Alan Alda. He's a feminist. And I recently saw him in a Barnes and Noble, which was exciting because there had previously been a serious dearth in my NYC celebrity sightings.
8:24 Conan takes on the age old joke of how long award shows are. Usually, not funny. However, placing Bob Newhart in a tube with enough air for only three hours is definitely hilarious. But why Bob? Was Abe Vigoda busy?
8:26 It's nice to see Charlie Sheen out and about again, living normally, as if he wasn't a porn fiend of a delinquent father.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES presented by Papa Charlie and his papa, Martin Sheen
Winner: Blythe Danner for Huff
Analysis: Ever since Gwyneth Paltrow has given up the public eye in exchange for raising Apple and Mo, I have seen more of Blythe than the Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton combined. TALK ABOUT A STAGE MOM!
8:28 PM: Jamie Presley (fresh off a loss) and Jason Lee present the award for BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Winner: Jeremy Piven
Analysis: Should Will Arnett have won? Yes. But will it hurt to see Ari Gold on stage? No. At least we didn't have to see Sean Hayes ride the Will and Grace train any further. That thing is running out of steam! (JD)
Alanna here... While Arnett is quite hilarious, Piven works his ass off on Entourage. I also think he is so sexy. What can I say, sometimes I can't resist a good Jewish boy. Evidence:
Detective Stabler on a Segway! WTF? Love it.
BEST ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES: Wow, it's the tired old broad parade. And Kelly McDonald (Girl in the Cafe) wins! Lovely dress, nice natural makeup. Awesome Scots accent as well. I think I'd look hot in the dress, but would probably sound silly with the accent.
...We will not be watching the Barry Manilow performance. (AS)
Oh, Alanna, you and I are compatible in regards to most things, but you know how I work. Not only will I watch Barry Manilow's performance, but I will probably sing along.
WHEN IS HEIDI KLUM NOT PREGNANT!
BEST MUSIC OR COMEDY MINI SERIES/PERFORMANCE WHATEVER: The Daily Show takes it again! I'm sure him and Stephen Colbert will tuck it into bed in between them tonight, so it is like they both won.
Oh look, it's the fake celebrity parade, with your Grand Marshal Jennifer Love Hewitt.
8:48 Alanna just asked if Clorios Leachman was a Golden Girl. Honestly, her TV blogging license should be SUSPENDED!
Quoting Alanna on Mark Buckland's bar mitzfah reference: "See Mel, they're everywhere!"
8:51 Okay, My Name is Earl, you saved NBC's patoot for now, but best writing over Arrested Development and The Office? No. (JD)
8:57 Well Jeanette, I may not be familiar with Chloris Leachman's resume, but at least I know how to spell her first name! ZOUCH!
So I'm glad we're frantically trying to transcribe this entire ceremony, all to the tune of ZERO FRIGGIN COMMENTS. T-minus three minutes to the Deadwood finale. Sorry folks, but I will have to take an hourlong hiatus and leave the liveblogging to Jea- OH MY GOD WHAT IS SIMON COWELL WEARING? HIS SHIRT IS OPENED ALL THE WAY TO HIS PUPIK.
See you at 10 PM, cocksuckers. Give Hugh Laurie a kiss for me! (AS)
Jeanette is in charge for the next hour. MUAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHA.
Dick Clark, as a child voluntarily raised by television, you have been a huge part of my life. And as you get your lifetime achievement award, I can't help but think of how great and respectful Ryan Seacrest is with that full page he took out in Variety on Friday congratulating you.
9:03 And rounding off the old people appeal segment of the Emmys...Barry Manilow! Hey, is that Wayne Brady with dreds getting work as a backup singer behind Manilow?
9:10 Tina Fey and Tracy Morgan...the next Sonny and Cher for sure, presenting the award for BEST PERFORMER IN A VARIETY SHOW BLAH BLAH
Winner: Barry Manilow
Analysis: What did they count Aaron Spelling's vote 2,000 times, just because he died? This concludes tonight's old man of the Emmys...hopefully.
9:25 I like taking every opportunity possible to out Howie Mandel as a Germaphobe. And Vivian likes to take every opportunity possible to point out crappy boob jobs on Deal or No Deal girls. Way to have lopsided breasts, # 3.
9:29 Possibly my favorite part of the Emmys...seeing how the writing staffs of the shows nominated for Best Comedy/Variety Series Writing present themselves. The winner in this fake category...Late Night with Conan O'Brien's implication that their writing staff is an outsourced, Indian telemarketing center. Actual winner...Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
9:33 I STILL LOVE RYAN SEACREST!
9:38 HUGH LAURIE TIME! OH MY GOD HE IS SPEAKING FRENCH! HE IS MOST DEFINITELY A JACK OF ALL TRADES, ESPECIALLY IF BY ALL TRADES YOU MEAN HAVING SEX WITH ME!
9:42 Time for OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Winner: Tony Shaloub for Monk
Analysis: We get it. What should be viewed as a handicap results in an acute attention for detail. Tony himself just said, "There's been a terrible mistake..."
9:50 The atavisitic sounds of groaning and stomping coming from the TV viewing center in the upstairs of our East Village, mouse infested duplex can only mean one thing...our HBO cut out during the Deadwood finale. I wish I could relate, Alanna, but Reverend Camden is on the Emmys right now, so I am overcome by the uncontrollable urge to do good for others and to also be a really bad actor. See what I did there? Seventh Heaven has a REALLY HORRIBLE ensemble cast!
9:43 Tribute to Aaron Spelling. I know you were good at what you did, Mr. Spelling, but the only thing you did for me was make me look really uncool as I had to fake caring about what had happened on 90210, secretly knowing the only thing I had watched the night before was Britcoms.
Alanna back! Profane, yet eloquent rantings about HBO cutting the fuck out during the decisive fucking moment of the best goddamn show on TV's series finale to arrive tat some later fucking juncture.
James Woods, you sleaze. We all know you are dating someone young enough to be your granddaughter. BEST TV MOVIE IS The Girl in the Cafe. Uh, we don't watch TV movies. The lady making the speech is British british british.
Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart! A delightful duo of nerds I wouldn't throw out of bed. Colby is doing his wingnut schtick. He's hilarious, but his show may be a one-trick pony... time will tell. This is the best presentation I've seen yet, though. BEST REALITY SHOWS IS... The Amazing Race. I never watch this, but Jeanette says:
"It isn't amazing! Stop giving Emmys to the Amazing Fucking Race! Give an Emmy to the Mediocre Race!"
Yeah, I don't really get it either.
Omar Epps is one fiiiiiiiiiiiine man. Katherine Heigl just oozes charisma. ::Shakes head no:: BEST DIRECTOR FOR MOVIE OR MINI-SERIES... eh, not worth blogging. Go to Emmy.com or whatever if you really need to know. Tony and Carmela Soprano are introduced creatively... As L-train, our favorite commenter, notes, "soPRAAAAAAAAAAAHnos... who says that?"
There's a cutie patootie sitting beside Helen "Bag of Bones" Mirren that they keep cutting to... who is he
10:22 DEAD PEOPLE TIME, YEEHAW! We don't recognize a single person. Oh wait, Maxwell Smart! I'm down with that dude. Agent 99 was a hottie; think he ever hit that? Oh, Emmys. Writers and producers don't count as dead people worth memorializing. Let's reserve this segment for the Brandos and the Hepburns. Aww, but Pat Morita gets to stay.
Jeanette recognized 13 out of the 29 corpses, in case you were wondering. I had to listen to her count that off over and over. Good times.
10:31 Wow, Helen Mirren may be a "bag of bones" but she has managed to maintain her "bags of fun." Aww, now she's ackonwledging she's old. This is where we'd feel bad for making fun of her if we had souls.
10:33 You know how when Medium shot an episode in 3D last year, NBC gave out 3D glasses for home viewers. Well, NBC should have done the same thing keeping in mind that Colin Ferguson would be presenting. Except replace 3D glasses with wooden spikes, so viewers could have gouged out their eyes and ears.
10:34 Marishka Hartgitay won BEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA.
We're on commercial so here's a photo of 1966 Ian McShane:
Ooh, smoldering. Ian, we hardly knew ye... BECAUSE TIME WARNER CUT OUT DURING THE FUCKING FINALE. Anyways.
Oh hey it's Tyra Banks and her fivehead. BEST ACTRESS IN A SHITCOM, I MEAN SITCOM IS... Julia Louis-Dreyfus, yay! She's aged quite well. A little flutter of the 'Tox here and there perhaps, which her husband has OBVIOUSLY declined for himself.
Virginia Madsen, you's a ho, but she can rock that. Ray Liotta looks like a wax museum escapee. I loved him as Shoeless Joe in Field of Dreams. I don't even like baseball and that movie makes me weepie. OK, Chris Meloni won't win because he never cries on the show. KIEFER WINS BEST ACTOR! KIEFERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! OK, his 24 performance isn't exactly nuanced, but he's a likeable sort.
Viv steps in for a moment... 10:45 Ironically, Chris Meloni becomes the special victim of a television crime, when K. Sutherland plunders the much-coveted Emmy for Best Actor in a Dramatic Series. Just thinking of this, makes me cry...
Alanna's bbback. Oh, it's Bob "Withering Away" Newhart introducing BEST COMEDY SERIES... it's The Office! I knew an Arrested Development win was a pipe dream, but this is a more than acceptable alternative. Shut up Exec Producer, I want a Steve Carrell speech! Ah, props to Ricky Gervais and Steven Merchant. Nothing on television has made me feel as awkward as these guys since Halle Berry's screamtastic acceptance speech at the 2003 Oscars.
Annette "Adorably Over-the-Top" Bening presents BEST DRAMA SERIES... 24. Really? REALLY?!? I've watched every season and this last one was by far the weakest, so much so that I may have to cross it off my list for good. OK boring speech time. This was fun, though Carpal Tunnel-inducing. Hope y'all enjoyed.